Day 3 of 30 Days of Thanksgiving: Thanking God for His Mercy

O give thanks unto the Lord; for he is good: for his mercy endureth for ever. Psalm 136:1

Mercy is defined as the discretionary power of a judge to pardon someone or to mitigate punishment, especially to send to prison rather than invoke the death penalty.

For those of us who are Christian, the definition of Mercy would be the discretionary power of God to withhold punishment despite the fact you may deserve it. 

To not allow you to die in your natural, sinful state. 

To put His loving arms of protection around you despite the fact you actually deserve to deal with the consequences of your actions. 

Never to be confused with Grace, but Mercy is to not get what you deserve. To withhold punishment. 

So, I got thinking about the many many MANY  times God extended His Mercy upon me..

The time I was going a little bit too fast down a dark and curvy road in the country, listening to some crazy rap music and I didn't see the curve in the road until I was in it. Flipped my car 5, 6, 7 times.. As I was rolling over, I saw headlights pass by going in the opposite direction, which means I avoided hitting and possibly killing someone else. Last thing I remembered was saying Lord Have Mercy on me. And the car stopped. I climbed through the drivers window and walked with just a scratch on me knee. 

And Im not going to tell you that the driver's side of the roof was completely smashed down. They wondered how I got out the car.

And His Mercy endureth forever. 

Or being strangled five times by the hands of a man I was shacking up with when God told me in my dreams to leave. 

And His Mercy Endureth Forever. 

OR the time I was up late at some ungodly hour, putting posters up on my wall, I smelled smoke, looked out the window and saw flames shooting up the side of the building. I was the first one to call 911, and when I made it out the building, the very spot I was sitting at was ablaze. 

And His Mercy Endureth Forever. 

Or finding out about my ex being HIV+ (the same man who strangled me) only to find out that I had been spared from being infected. 

And His Mercy Endureth Forever. 

Or when I turned my back on Jesus being the Son of God and became Muslim and he didn't allow me die in such a state.

And His Mercy Endureth Forever. 

I could probably go on endlessly about such scenarios. The problem with being headstrong and stubborn is God had to give me situations that will jolt my head around as He screams at me...

Daughter, don't you realize how much I love you? 

How dare I say, I feel unworthy and unloved by God when He has shown me His Love for me repeatedly? How dare I say he had turned His back on me? How dare I say He doesn't answer my prayers? Heal my hurting heart? That he hasn't delivered me from darkness?? How dare I say that about MY GOD!! 

Father God, I repent of all feelings of not being loved, not being worthy, as IF you did not have me in the loving protection of Your arms while I was in the midst of my sins.. 

Amen. 

"Don’t you see how wonderfully kind, tolerant, and patient God is with you? Does this mean nothing to you? Can’t you see that his kindness is intended to turn you from your sin?" (Romans 2:4 NLT)

Day 2 of 30 Days of Thanksgiving: The Simplicity of a Child's Faith

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." (Heb. 11:1 NKJV)

On All Saints Eve (Halloween), I got sooo annoyed. My neighbor invited us to her Mom's house for a Costume kind of party, where the kids get together, play, go trick or treating for a few blocks, etc...

It started going downhill when I found out the neighbor got off late from work and would not be able to come and get us. So we had to get on the bus and go a bit of a way to get to her mom's house. I get over to that side of town, an area Im not at all familiar with, and cannot seem to find the location because one of the other people who lived in the building I first went to said she didn't know who I was talking about! So we walked a little bit, hoping to see her car sitting outside and then my phone died and I did not have her phone number committed to memory. So I used MiniMe's phone to message her through Facebook, hoping she would get the alert on her cell phone. 

At this point,  I am beyond tired because I wasn't expecting to have to take MiniMe over there. The agreement was she was suppose to come back to the house to get her, busy she got off work late and she didn't get a chance to tell me until the time she was suppose to pick her up that she wasn't going to be able to come this way so now I've got to get myself together to go after getting MiniMe together. I just wasn't up for it I tell ya!! I finally get out of the door, the buses are taking a long time and are crowded with other trick or treaters, just to get over there and not be able to find the exact location. So then Im wishing that I had just taken her to our church for All Saint's Eve, but I had already told MiniMe that her costume would not be exactly appropriate for church plus she wanted to go trick or treating, something she would not have been able to do had we gone to the church.

So then I see the bus that would take us right over to the church door and I say if she doesn't respond back by time the next bus come.. we are going to the church!!!

MiniMe, of course, is crushed. Then on what was probably MiniMe's prayer, the neighbor called MiniMe's phone and gave us the directions to go back to the house we first went to 30 minutes earlier. By time we got back over there after an hour and half of traveling, they had already taken the kids trick or treating and so then my baby just sat down and just looked sooooo sad and my heart broke. 

Then my neighbor said to take her this was and that way for a couple of blocks, but its almost 7 and trick or treating over here is suppose to stop at 6 and they are pretty strict about not giving out candy after 6pm. 

"2 Then Jesus called a little child to Him, set him in the midst of them, 3 and said, “Assuredly, I say to you, unless you are converted and become as little children, you will by no means enter the kingdom of heaven. 4 Therefore whoever humbles himself as this little child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven." (Matt 18:2-4)

But away we went, and my baby, with her sunshiney disposition says with the positive conviction that a 9 year old child can muster up, "thats ok Mommy, I bet SOMEBODY is going to give me some candy." She was ever so thrilled to go skipping and running down the block looking for lights that were still on, looking at the various decorations, and even more happy that 2 or 3 houses did in fact, still have their lights on, still had candy and she was able to get some. She was able to still enjoy the thrill of Homeowners attempting to scare the children. LOL

She had faith.

She refused to be disappointed.

She refused to give up hope.

All was well in her world. She was good. Satisfied. Content.

I am feeling kind of blessed, that in this ONE instance, she did as I said, and not as I do. Somehow, or another, I had planted that mustard seed of faith in her and it was strong enough to withstand my negative attitude. 

All I could think about was my own frustrations.. cold.. wishing I had a car.. wishing we had went to the church... never trying to make the best out of the situation at hand and here she was having a sunny disposition on ALL  of it.

SOMEBODY is going to give me some candy Mommy. 

In that moment, I learned sooo much from my own kid. About Faith. About being content. About really being satisfied with being content and relearned the lesson about how being satisfied with contentment does not mean we are settling. 

For many of us, we would have never gotten beyond our own frustrations, that we would have never had the faith that it would work out for the best. We would have never made the best of it anyway despite the circumstances. We would not have been satisfied. Nor content. And we most certainly would have probably felt CHEATED. Whatever we may have managed to get, we may have had feelings of discontentment, as if it wasn't enough. Succumbing to darkness and never for moment thinking to use the Power and Spirit of God within us to speak LIGHT into the situation at hand. Never having that mustard seed of faith. 

We can learn a lot from a Child's Faith. 

So on Day 2 of 30 Days of Thanksgiving, I am thankful for being able to learn the simplicity of a Child's Faith. I am thankful for being able to see MiniMe put into action, "speaking as if it already were". Im thankful my daughter did not succumb to my negative attitude.I am thankful she was able to keep a positive disposition. To piggyback off of yesterday's message, Im thankful my child, my precious MiniMe, for being able to use the Power and Spirit of God in her to speak LIGHT into existence. Finally, I am thankful to God for granting me His Mercy, and allowing me to see MiniMe's faith in action. 

People brought babies to Jesus, hoping he might touch them. When the disciples saw it, they shooed them off. Jesus called them back. “Let these children alone. Don’t get between them and me. These children are the kingdom’s pride and joy. Mark this: Unless you accept God’s kingdom in the simplicity of a child, you’ll never get in.” (Luke 18:15-17 Message)

She had faith. 

She spoke her candy (LIGHT) into existence. 

And it was good. 

Sooo very good. 

Now, about that dentist bill... ehhhhhh LOL

Day 1 of 30 Days of Thanksgiving: LIGHT!!

This is the month of Thanksgiving.. and each day, Im going to make a valued effort of posting what I am thankful for. Sooo for today..

Genesis 1:3-5 3 And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light. 4 God saw that the light was good, and he separated the light from the darkness. 5 God called the light “day,” and the darkness he called “night.” And there was evening, and there was morning—the first day.

When I first joined my church and started attending women's prayer EVERY Saturday, this was probably one of my very first lessons.. my AHA moment.. and epiphany if you will..

Light is that thing that separates us from darkness. Light being everything that is...

8 Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things. Philippians 4:8

And let us not forget those things such as holiness, salvation, heaven, peace, love, joy, kindness, understanding, compassion, empathy, truth, goodwill, charity, faith, overcoming, conqueror good health, a sound mind and SALVATION... meditate on these things too.. for they represent LIGHT. 

Darkness being: sin, guilt, shame, idolatry, wickedness, deceit, evilness, ignorance, defeat, greed, death, lust, pride, poverty and hell.

And the beauty of that is... God SPOKE Light into existence. And WHO is the Light? The Light of the City? The Light of the World? The Light of Mankind? The True Light? The Light Who came into the World? The Sun of Righteousness? The one Whose Light Shines sooo Brightly he is the ONLY one to drive out darkness?

Jesus Christ. Our Bright and Morning Star shining ever over the Heavens and the Earth lives inside of us. We have the Power and Spirit of God living inside of us THROUGH Jesus Christ to speak life, LIGHT, into our lives.. into existence provided we have that tiny mustard seed of faith. The Power of the tongue is life or death. Just like when God said on that first day, let there
be LIGHT, and then there was. And it was good. Very Good.

4 But you, brethren, are not in darkness, so that this Day should overtake you as a thief. 5 You are all sons of light and sons of the day. We are not of the night nor of darkness. 6 Therefore let us not sleep, as others do, but let us watch and be sober. 7 For those who sleep, sleep at night, and those who get drunk are drunk at night. 8 But let us who are of the day be sober, putting on the breastplate of faith and love, and as a helmet the hope of salvation.  (1 Thess 5:4-8)

Today, I am thankful for LIFE. 

LIGHT. 

The only thing that can drive out darkness. 

And it is so. 

When People Don't Understand Something...

...they have no compassion. NONE.

I have a feeling this will be one of those blogs in which everyone reads and no one responds, Im guessing because, people just feel unfomfortable?? SMH

So, I am in a support group on Facebook for those of us with Idiopathic Hypersomnia. And a young college student posted below:

"Need help please. I cannot wake up on my own, I fear losing my job @ this point, Ive already been through the EEO process and have a reasonable accommodation that says I need to call or report to duty within 1 hour of scheduled time. The problem is my Mom is frustrated with waking me up & today she just left me in bed & I missed a whole ay of work (again)....and I cannot find any way to get up on my own... I have 7 alarms including 2 sonic boom with bed shakers and the 220 dB screaming meanie... I would do anything, Ive thought about a dog shock collar, but cannot figure out how to set it off at a certain time. I am currently on Nuvigil & Ritalin. My doctor says Xyrem wont help. I need some sort of help... I'm desperate" 

I read this, and tears burned my eyes and I felt sooo bad for her because I understand. I understand how it feels when people "don't get it" about needing help waking up. Or they don't understand why you cant just pop up like they do. People's lack of understanding and not getting it or maybe not even wanting to get it, leads them to be COMPASSIONLESS. It may actually take some coaxing, shaking, SOMETHING (except pouring water on my face) to pull you out of sleep paralysis or sleep drunkeness.. or that you may need that room to sleep without hearing the following:

Well, if you don't get up, you will get left. (Oh, stress about getting left will INCREASE the likelihood of not being able to awaken.)

 Im not helping you get up because I can get up just fine.

The whispers, I would hear from the other room,

"man, she is just lazy, she isn't trying to take care of her kid, I dont understand why she is always sleep or trying to sleep"

Funny thing about this thing called sleep paralysis.. Most times, you can still HEAR.. Sleep paralysis for many is usually the inability to move or speak, your brain is technically sleep, but you may still have the ability to HEAR.

'Well, Im sleepy and tired too and I get up just fine."

Nawwww, this aint where its at either. The biggest issues for those with Idiopathic Hypersomnia is, you can sleep that 8-10 hours and still feel as if you have been awake for 48 hours and then took some Benadryl and feel like this... EVERYDAY of your life.

 "Well, she must be depressed." 

Nope. Usually I wasn't. Although depression and hypersomnia are linked for some, people are usually misdiagnosed with depression. From what I have discovered, sufferers will become depressed because of the effects of hypersomnia and the inability to get stuff accomplished. Which also makes you feel like what people are saying about you are true. That you are lazy, unmotivated, lack will power, etc... and this type of depression that is caused by the effects of having hypersomnia, will cause stress and further the need for sleep. Also, the more you are not able to get done, the more you become overwhelmed by ALL of it, the more likely you are to crash to a sleep attack. A vicious little cycle it is..

"Well, when the alarm clock goes off, just get up." 

 Well, if we actually HEARD the alarm clock in the first place, I probably wouldn't be writing this blog right now. IJS And ummmm no... IF we hit the snooze button, chances are, we aren't aware that we have done so.

The onset for this is usually in the teenage years and is usually not diagnosed until it has become life altering and usually unbearable sometime in the late 20s-30s. Imagine that. A lifetime of feeling like a lazy savant only to not have it discovered until it is UNBEARABLE. Im learning that many people take advantage of having the ability to wake up. Be extremely thankful if you have an internal alarm clock to wake you up early every morning ,or you can get up the first time you hear the alarm clock and better yet, be thankful you can actually HEAR the alarm clock.

I've been a little quiet lately. Quiet about myself. Sooo here is what's going on..

I had to take an emergency medical leave of absence from work because I was not able to wake up and was consistently sleeping past my scheduled start time and would either be a couple of hours late, or so drunk with sleep and having a severe case of sleep paralysis, that I couldn't get out the bed and was calling off sick PAST the time I was due in for work. They got mad at me due to this scenario because they (understandably) were unable to rely on what time I would be able to show up to work. On the last occasion of not being able to get up and called off past the start of my shift, once I was able to get up, went to the doc and he agreed, I needed to sit out for a few weeks while the meds kick in. And now the job is mad at me for abruptly leaving and are making claims of not holding my positions. Yea. OK.

And yes, these are the same meds I was having a devil of a time getting because of the hard time Express Scripts was giving me for approval. I sat there and watch the doc wrestle the approval from them over the phone.

Once I saw the cost of the meds, I then understood why they were giving me such a hard time.



Soooo, I say all this to say, I don't want your pity, or for you to feel sorry for me, BUT if you can't pray for me, have compassion, understanding and can't be of any assistance or help, then please, stay away from me. Right now, I am forced to allow some stuff to go on that I would rather not be in the position to HAVE to allow and Im not too inclined to continue to witness people's "dismissal" attitudes about this thing that finally has a name.

 And yes, I am going to beat this thing!!

"Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has NO ONE to help them up." -Ecclesiastes 4:8-10

Normalcy? Is There REALLY Such a Thing??

Sometimes I crave normalcy. No scratch that. I desire, wish and want with everything that is Holy in me and on the earth, I want normalcy!!!

I wish my life went that "normal" route. Yanno the one. Where you grew up normal, had a big circle of friends. You went away to college. Finished. Started your career. Went to grad school while working. Finished. You meet The One. The One proposes to you in the most magnificent of ways. You accept the proposal. Have the ability to plan the most fantastic wedding.  Get married. THEN. Start having kids. Your life is filled with fun, laughter and an awesome circle of friends and family. Everyone just LOVES you to pieces. People seem to go out of their way to WOW you. Your life is filled with love and happiness and joy. Surprise parties are frequently given in your honor. You are never left out. Most certainly are never on the  outside looking in. A problem arises and people go out of their way to help you. Life may get difficult at times, but you get through it because of your wide support system. They always have that unblinding faith in God being in their lives cuz almost EVERYTHING works out for them in their favor, for they have never experienced real problems, as in the kind, people tend to shy away from cuz they really don't know how to deal with your brand of issues. Yanno, their life is... for lack of a better word, CHARMED.

I do not begrudge anyone their CHARMED life, but I often wonder why my life had to start the way it did. Continue the way it has. What purpose does it really serve?

This may seem like a fallacy of some sort. However, I do know actual people whose lives are exactly like the one I described. In fact, I know of a GREAT many people like that. And sometimes, it leaves me so very sad about my own life. Especially if I think about it too hard.

And NO, Im not depressed!!! Im not having a pity party. I just want to know WHY? And what was or IS the PURPOSE???

Sooo, let me give you my list of WISHES.

I wish I did not know first hand what it feels like to feel unwanted, unloved, bothersome, worthless and isolated. These are the first feelings Ive ever remember feeling as a child.

Sometimes, if I am really in that special place, I wish she would have just given me up for adoption once she really realized she couldn't handle being a mother. I know my life would have definitely been different, especially if I had gone to the family who was willing to take me in.

I wish I was allowed to have a social life growing up. To actually know what my home phone number was. To not have a lock on the rotary phone. Or the mouthpiece removed from the handset. I was never really allowed to hangout with kids my age. And after awhile, I was known as the kid with problems. And you know how kids act around kids with problems? If not teasing, taunting and bullied, then always left out. Who really wants to be bothered with that kid with all the problems??

I wish that by time I had gotten to college, I had learned how to be social. That I was that person everyone wanted to be around. Instead, whatever I had on me earlier that said "problem" was still there and I really didn't fair too much better socially in college. No lifetime friends made there either.

I wish I had a normal family. In which socializing, visiting each other, shopping, going out to dinner etc... was a normal part of family life. Where talking and laughing was easy going, instead of forced politeness because of that elephant that is always in the room that everyone ignores and no one talks about. Instead of, when going to visit and you are left by yourself in one room, while they are upstairs in their room watching some show they have probably seen hundreds of times. And God forbid, you dare bring up that elephant in the room.. then you find yourself ostracized.

I wish I had been diagnosed EARLIER with 2 sleep disorders that didn't have a name for years. It would have saved me so much grief from feeling lazy, depressed, unmotivated, and a loser and like I will never amount to much in life because I couldn't push myself enough. Well, upon finding out I just wasn't able to simply push myself, but trying not to accept a form of preconceived defeat that it is here, this is what this really is, and there really is not much to be done about it.


I wish people didn't give me funny and/or disbelieving looks when I tell them of this disorder.  I keep telling myself, well maybe its cuz they don't understand it. For we are quick to dismiss what we don't understand because a person doesn't LOOK like they have a problem.

I really wish people would quit telling me that I am depressed as to why Im sleeping so much!!

I wish people would understand that I do not wish nor want this upon myself. If it seems as if I keep talking about it, it is because that it has only had a name for about 6 months. Im still learning how to deal with it.. how to try and avoid it... how to not succumb to it...

I wish people could understand that this simply is not a mind over matter thing. I cannot simply put my mind over this matter at hand IF my brain decides to shut off and go to sleep.

I wish people wouldn't say.. that they are tired too.. for they really wouldn't know tired... imagine being awake for 48 hours, taking some Benadryl or Nyquil, and then forcing oneself to stay awake for 24 more hours... if you can actually grasp that concept.. then you can  actually begin to TRY to understand and gain a true understanding as to the sheer exhaustion I feel on a daily basis.


I wish I didn't feel uncomfortable in the ONE place I never thought I would feel uncomfortable.

I wish that it isn't JUST ME dealing with everything BY MYSELF, all the time, no help, no support. No nothing. The guilt behind leaving my daughter to fend for herself when my body involuntarily shuts down to sleep really is unimaginable.

I wish people wouldn't offer to be an ear if I need someone to talk to. Only for me to see the sheer dread on their face when I approach them. Cuz they are never quite sure exactly what the problem is going to be. This. Time.

I wish I didn't have that ability to read or sense the dread in people. But after a lifetime of always being in need, or always needing some help, or help in figuring something out, you are able to see it, sense it, & feel it.. in the inner core of your soul. And believe me when I say, it is a HORRIBLE feeling. I always end up giving them an out, so they don't feel bad for dreading me approaching them nor having to come up with an excuse as to why they cant give me that ear they offered.

I wish people wouldn't ask me how I am doing, when REALLY? They know they really don't want to know. And I know, they really don't want to know. Whenever someone asks me how Im doing, I cringe and manage or try very hard..  to avoid the question.

I wish my smile could easily return to my face. But my forced smile is one which hides many unshed tears.

I wish I knew what is really going on in my unseen world. For there is always something going on to unearth my foundation. I mean, I know and fully understand EVERYBODY goes through stuff... but the stuff I go through is stuff that turns my world completely and utterly UPSIDE DOWN. And it never seems to STOP!

And then, I learned about generational curses. And I REALLY wished I never learned about that. You ever known a family where bad things continually happen to them and they can NEVER seem to make it, despite how HARD they try? Everything they try ends up failing. And now, I FULLY am starting to understand how my life is the way it is. It is by some kind of design that Im paying for, for whatever my ancestors did.

I wish I could ask for help. But again, after a lifetime of always having to ask.. always having to be in need of something, I simply cannot stand or bare.. to ask.. for ONE MO THANG!  I will accept if offered, not that I am waiting for people to offer, because when they do offer, I feel extremely uncomfortable.. as if.. why haven't I managed to get myself together YET?  I now find myself, ducking, dodging and hiding.. trying to avoid people offering. hoping they don't seek me out.. because when they offer, it brings painful tears to my eyes.

I wish ONE thing in my lfe could be handed to be. Instead of fighting to the death, uphill, with one shoe on in 3 feet of snow... fighting with everything that is within me... for ONE small THING
.
I wish my daughter wouldn't say things like, it makes me sad you never have anyone to celebrate your birthday with you and your last party was when you were 5. OR it's not fair that Daddy has a wife and you are still by yourself. Well kiddo, I really wish, you didn't have that kind of understanding regarding the person that is your mother.

I wish my daughter never knows what it is like to be excluded. Only to see the fleeting hint of disappointment in her face, once she realized she was in fact, excluded. It pained me to see her shrug it off, as if it was no big deal. It pained me even further to know she was excluded, because her mother is ALWAYS excluded.

I wish I wasn't the one who is always on the outside looking in. Always the last one to join the group. to not know what has happened. I wish it wasn't so hard to penetrate those established circles of friendships in which I always find myself excluded from.. despite my best efforts.

I wish and pray.. this curse that seems to be upon me.. never touches her.

I wish I could join some kind of sisterhood of some sort. When Ive inquired in the past about how to join one I was interested in.. I was greeted with an odd lock.. almost one of disdain. I was ready to chalk it up as to me being paranoid, until she said those fateful words.. ummmm you have to be INVITED in.. oh thats right.. silly me... exclusionary rules are always in play.

I wish my relationship with God did not coincide with the then flourishing relationship with him. For I was able to relate the intangible love of God with the perceived tangible love from him and it literally had me floating on air.. for 2 years..  Or so I thought. When I realized a year ago, I needed to put the brakes on him, I spiritually bottomed out.. and Ive not yet.. bounced completely back. Most people are able to recall that one person that gives them a partial clue as to what God's Agape love feels like, either through a parent, loved one, spouse.. somebody.. I can honestly say.. I really don't know what that feels like. And its especially difficult to realize that this person.. will probably never go above and beyond.. to put that action behind that verb that is love.. and *show me* that I am in fact, the best thing since sliced bread. I am at the point in my life that anything that isn't *showing* me.. is mere lip service. I remember all the times in my life... especially recently..when I put the action behind that particular verb.. and now I feel a fool for it wasn't reciprocated... nor will it ever be.

I wish I never discovered what God's purpose is for my life... for it seems like Ive been going through hell ever since I finally gained the courage to reveal that.. and my life has literally been hell ever since.

I wish and pray and wish a pray some more... that God will send me that husband I so desire that He knows will be suited just for me... I desperately need some HELP... someone who will understand and not judge me. Someone who is willing to accept me for who I am, who willing to remember what it is I forget.. who is willing to wake me up when I sleep past 5 alarm clocks.. someone who really "gets it" without me having to do a bunch of explaining.

And finally, I wish more than anything.. that prayers for myself are answered. I am grateful that ALL of my prayers for my daughter are ALWAYS answered.. but for myself.. not so much. I pray I can one day understand the reasoning as to why.

but as they say.. Wish in one hand... ________ in the other.. and see which ones fills up quicker.

My 39th Birthday is fast approaching. I am not depressed. I am not filled with dread. I am not throwing a pity party. I am not insecure about who I am and whose and Whom I belong to.  I am facing some pretty hard cold facts about myself and my life for I have realized that as each year passes by.. nothing has really gotten any better for myself..  facing the reality that things regarding me has in fact gotten worse as each year passes by.

So now it is time for me to really, truly and completely withdraw, reflect, pray, and seek a divine revelation as to HOW to make my life completely turn around. For Good!

Until then.. ~Be Blessed~

TypeCasted

Ive decided to finally seek a licensed professional Christian psychiatrist. Im tired of fighting this thing on my own. Sometimes I feel as if Im in a daily fight for my sanity. I would turn to my church, but Im afraid if they would know some of my issues, I would be typecasted as that crazy one. I remember one time long ago.. i went to a medical doctor for depression, he wrote that in my file and every time i went to the doctor for something as simple as a bad cold he would always look at my chart and ask...

Well, ARE YOU DEPRESSED???

*sighs*

Ive figured out I need to be able to talk each and every issue out without being looked at as being crazy. or delusional. or paranoid. or self centered. or better yet.. narcissistic. I need to figure out how to deal with every issue and talk everything out and renew my mind continuously.

The thing about depression, people are very quick to say well just pray it out. get into your Word. you are just wanting and seeking attention. blah blah blahhhh..... None of that is ever the case and yes those are the solutions only AFTER you figure out the REAL issue and what that issue is coupled with.

And Im figuring out the issue always goes back to the feelings of abandonment.

I dont wish to take psychotherapy drugs. or the bring the fam in and have the big discussion on how much they have screwed my psyche up thing cuz I know neither of those will work.

I just need to be able to talk about each issue.

One at a time.

Without being typecasted. or.

Pigeonholed.

#ThatIsAll

Spiritual Warfare: Fighting Old Demons

My birthday has never one that has garnered much celebration... typically, I usually hate to see them roll around, its usually a time for me to reflect that not much has changed since my last birthday...

This time, it hit me harder than I expected.

You see, last week I had to cut off someone who I held dear to me because he was too much in my spirit for him to not be my husband and it became a horrible distraction. The ties I felt to him Ive come to learn is an unGodly soul tie simply because I should not have my spirit affected by a man Im not married to and probably will not be with no time in the immediate future, if ever.

But thats a different blog for a different day if I should ever post that blog.

I thought when I cut the ties, I would finally be free, but the devil surely got busy.

I thought I was delivered from the feeling of loneliness, but it seems that I have not.

Birthdays always show just how alone I am in this world, with the exception of God. And I know in my heart , mind and soul it is He I should rely on for companionship, I would be a fool to say that Im content with that.

Although I had become content spiritually in my singlehood, or so I thought anyways, when I cut off the ONE person who I know doesn't judge me and accepts me for me, and finds my quirkiness endearing, someone whom I have had nearly everyday contact with for the last 4-5 years and now...

nothing.

Not so much as a birthday wish, text, message, email, phone call.. nothing from him...

and Im soooo very hurt by that.

the fear of being alone for what seems like forever overwhelmed me..

The nightmares came first. Horrific dreams of me eternally alone. Dreams of my funeral and no one is in attendance. As if I never mattered or as if no one ever cared about me.

The devil is a liar.

Then childhood memories came flooding back, and those memories seem to replay themselves in my dreams as well... Two memories stand out the most...

The first being... when I was growing up, I lived in a 3 room apartment. it was long in length and ran in order of bedroom, short hallway, living room then kitchen. My room was the bedroom and my mother's room was the living room. My mother decided she needed to feel as if she was in the house by herself and so she put up a curtain across the short hallway and I was required to knock on the wall if I wanted to go to the kitchen and get something to eat. Never knowing what kind of mood she would be in, or how venomously she would reply to me when I knocked on the hallway, oftentimes I would be paralyzed in fear. Afraid to go into the kitchen for something to eat because I didn't know what her mood was going to be. So usually I would make sure I at before she came home or wait until she went to sleep, or sit in my room hungry hoping she would remember to bring me something to eat. God forbid if she was off the weekend and didn't go anywhere.  Sometimes, I wouldn't see her for weeks. Can you imagine being 10 years old, living in small quarters with your mother and not seeing her for weeks? I hated being alone. absolutely hate it now still to this day.  That feeling that no one cares about you is really something to reckon with. Im learning that people who have a host of siblings, cousins, family, friends and always have had a string of significant others if not married for years simply do not understand this kind of loneliness. They seem to think Im just taking myself through something unneccessarily, that God is my comforter and my friend and so on, and although He is, quite simply Im just tired. Tired of facing everything...

ALONE.

Being the only one to look out for me, care about me, love on me.

In the physical sense of course.

Only a fool can say, that despite how much they allow God is in their life, they don't have that physical desire of not being alone.

The second memory that is replaying is one surrounding my birthday itself. When I was growing up, report card pick up time was usually during my birthday week. Oh the sense of dread my birthday would bring me... For whatever reason, the first marking period of the school year was never my best one and that would be when I would get my worse grades. Although I would end the year with all As and Bs, the first quarter grades would almost always see a C or D.  Usually ending with me seeing my mother throw my left over birthday cake away and destroying whatever presents she may have bought me.

Psychological damage can last a lifetime. To all parents, please be careful of the seeds you are planting in your children.  Bruises heal and pain from beatings can be forgotten, but that psychological abuse is what is most damaging.

Make sure your child isn't living with the devil.

I could probably go on endlessly with the horror stories of childhood... but i will stop here cuz you get the point Im sure.

Im in a dark place right now. Fighting and praying my way back to light. Back to my joy. Im tired of waking up with my eyes nearly swollen shut. When the nightmares run rampant, I have a tendency to cry in my sleep.

My poor baby said to me on my birthday that it is sad that I have no one to celebrate my birthday with, that I only got one card for my birthday and that Ive only had one birthday party, and thats when I was 5. She says my birthdays are always sad, and she hopes that one day, they won't be sad anymore.

I can say... I with her on that one.

They say its all in what you make it. But my personal circumstances have not changed much since my last birthday, or the one before that, and the one before that and the one before that...  and I can't really afford to do much.

Im realizing that I need to see a Christian counselor of some sort. Someone who can help me weed through all of these memories that are flooding back and to finally lay my childhood to rest. I wonder so much whyyyy I had to endure what I endured growing up. I need someone to help me to understand why I am always just by myself, despite my best efforts, Im still the unintended loner. People are in my circle, but Im not in theirs and find myself always excluded. I wonder what is it about my personality, even when Im at my happiest that make people take pause. What kind of energy am I giving off? Ive grown sooo much spiritually in the last couple of years and yet here I still am...

ALONE.

In the physical sense of course.

My faith in God hasn't wavered and Im trying my best not to be doubtful, but I wish I could get an answer on how to deal with this constant being by myself. Help on getting over that Ive been mainly the only one, in the physical sense, looking out for ME since I was at least 10.  No one to share my burdens with and afraid to ask for anything for fear of being a burden. No one who has my back 100% and without recourse. Im wondering if there really is such a thing or if I am being too idealistic. I need real answers  on how to deal with this and not the cliches of on God's time, and when it comes it going to be wonderful and above your wildest dreams and expectations. but REAL ANSWERS.

This is that one thing, that ONE THING, that Ive consistently prayed to God about since I was a little girl and have yet been given. Companionship.  I really am trying my best to not mind waiting on God.

Prayerfully, now that Ive put pen to paper, I can get some peaceful sleep.