Lisa's Story: Part 1

I look at this picture now.. and just wow.. those who have no ability to discern will not see it, but a few discerning spirits have told be they see nothing but darkness in me in this picture. I would have to agree with them. I am posting this blog for a final time on what I hope is to be my final blog page. I am gathering many blogs into one location because God has commanded me to write a book about what happened to me and I must be obedient. However first, I need to gather everything into ONE location! 

This is something that I originally wrote in a blog 4-5 years ago... many of you may remember it.. for many of you this will be your first time reading it... I can finally read this in appreciation.. without crying or being upset, just in appreciation AND awe of the awesome presence and favor of God in my life.. I am SOOO not the person who wrote this anymore... sooo not the person who is filled with such despair.. I post this because this is something that many people may be going thru right now.. in all aspects and it is a teaching tool to recognize that whoever it is that is going thru it can also come out with their head up...

There may be cursing in this blog here in there... my foul mouth had yet been delivered... also.. Mister was previously known as The FOOL.>>

This is a story that was part of a 3 blog trilogy that I had posted on my old page that got deleted. I remember the day I typed part 3 to the trilogy, I went to post and it did the infamous yahoo thing and disappeared. *POOF* it was gone, so I went and rewrote it and saved it on word and decided to repost it today and tell the rest of the story. Someone very close to me said that I come off as moaning and groaning and that I appear that way because they don’t understand like she does because she knows more of the story, or so I thought. Well I am going to finish it now, and it is very long, 11 pages on word.

Let me preface this with saying that by the point that this story picks up... I had found out Mister was HIV+, found out he may have been on the down low..Found out that I WAS NOT HIV+.had several domestic violence incidents with Mister and one with Ma Barker (his mother) and by this point had left 3 times already...


So during this two month waiting period...

Gotta pause this for a second... the time frame in this two month waiting period is the time between when I found his lab results from applying for home owners insurance to the time he went to the doctor and found out himself... He initially denied being HIV+ despite the fact I had his paperwork in my hand...

... we tip toed around each other. He brought out his charm, the same charm he used to snag me with in the first place, but he never said one word about IT. And no, he didn’t lay a finger on me, sexually or otherwise. It was a strange existence and with passing day I grew internally angrier and angrier. I knew that it was time for me to make my move.


After the results he was distraught. I can only imagine the inner turmoil he was going through. This abruptly halted any plans of ours to have another child and then it was the matter of life insurance. Me being me, I started searching for ways that HIV positive men could have children without infecting the mother. I searched for companies that would actually give him insurance. There are 5 insurance companies in the U.S. that will insure him and there were ways to have a kid without actually getting infected. So then he started to resent me. His resentment grew with each passing day to the point that it became intolerable.


I asked him how he got it and he couldn’t come up with any answers. I asked him point blank if her ever slept with a man,

Oh, So it's YOUR Birthday Now, Mommy??

For God so loved the World that He gave His only begotten son that whosoever believeth in him should 

not perish, but have everlasting life. John 3:16

I remember one time... I was preparing for MiniMe's 7th birthday party I believe it was. *I* was busy making sure her Princess and the Frog birthday Party was going to be PERFECT. *I* was running around getting hard to find decorations of t

he first black Disney princess, getting equally as hard to find Princess Tiana purses as treat bags, goodies to put in these purses, making sure everything matched, that there would be enough treat bags...etc.... *I* was nervous about how many or if anyone would show up, *I* didn't want to her to be disappointed about anything on HER special day. So then it came down to picking out the cake. *I* couldn't decided on which Princess cake to get so I tell my friend on the way to the store that day.. how *I* couldn't make up my mind about the 

cake and then MiniMe chimed in from the back seat..

"That's ok Mommy, I will pick out the cake"

And in the most typical of a fussy mother's fashion I said.. What do you mean you are PICKING OUT THE CAKE??? You aren't picking out anything!! You have some money in your pockets? You have a way to pay for the cake??? *I* am the one paying for this shindig of yours and *I* will be the one to pick out the cake!! 

to which she replied in typical MiniMe fashion... 

"Oh, so its YOUR birthday now Mommy?"

*crickets*

                                                                                                                                                                                            I was reminded of this story when I saw this verse. I honestly have NO IDEA about what Im going to "do about 

Christmas" this year. I mean seriously? NO CLUE!!! Currently, I have "bigger" fish to fry as to what to do with any money I have or may get and I have been trying not to worry about it... You see how many times I said *I* in my  story above?? As parents, in our own self-centeredness, we tend to forget about the "bigger picture" in trying to make sure we are finding our kids the perfect gifts for Christmas. Running around trying to find their little Christmas requests.. Standing in long lines.. dealing with crowds.. doing the Black Friday thing.. not wanting them or anyone else to be disappointed on Christmas morning with our gifts.. 

"Oh, so its YOUR birthday now Mommy?"

My daughter told me, in that very moment, this is not YOUR day Mommy, but MINE!!

Ive got news for you, its not your birthday you are celebrating either, but Christ's!!  

For God so loved the World that He gave His only begotten son that whosoever believeth in him should 

not perish, but have everlasting life.

For God so loved the World.. all of us.. the good and the bad.. the believers and non-believers.. (thank you homiletics for that one LOL).

Oh, So it's YOUR birthday now, Mommy?

HE GAVE US His only begotten son, we didn't give Him anything but our sins.. we didn't deserve it, but He did it for us anyway!! 

Oh, So it's YOUR birthday now, Mommy?

I am not going to perish for not having gifts under the tree, however ,I will perish for not believing in him, for not teaching MiniMe about God's love for us and about what Christ did for us and for not teaching her how important it is to believe in Christ in her heart, to have his love for everyone in her heart. Yes, I will be accountable for my teaching her about Christ and giving her an example of being Christlike. That is the best and only perfect gift I can ever give her!

Oh, So it's YOUR birthday now, Mommy?

Ever lasting life will not come by buying the perfect Christmas presents or filling the Christmas tree up to capacity with presents. Everlasting life will come through my belief in Christ. My walk with Christ. The love of Christ in my heart will show in me through me to my daughter. Everlasting life will come through teaching my daughter about Christ and about being Christlike and what that really means. Everlasting life will come through my faith that is THROUGH my belief in Christ, God will supply my needs and maybe.. just maybe.. if Im lucky.. some of my wants.. 

Oh, So it's YOUR birthday now, Mommy?

Christmas is not about me nor what I can put under the tree. Its not about some toys that will be forgotten about or broken within a few days. It is not about how much money I have to spend nor is it about getting someone the "perfect gift". It is about God's love for us and the perfect gift He gave us because of His love for us. His Son. Salvation. Love. Everlasting life. There is only ONE perfect gift.

And guess what?? Princess Tiana ended up laying on her side in the frosting of the cake. MiniMe didn't even notice.  

Day 10 of 30 Days of Thanksgiving: Learning Something Else About Myself

I absolutely hate being misunderstood.. I mean.. it hurts me to my core when someone misunderstands my intentions. or my words. or my feelings. Especially if it is someone I genuinely care about.

I always find myself trying to explain myself even more.  Which ends up to more misunderstanding.. which always ends disastrously..

And now Im sitting here even more shocked. Hurt. Stunned. And just WOWWWW..

How did it get here??

Ive got to learn to stop. Ive got to learn that no matter how much I try and explain myself, sometimes, people are going to continue to misunderstand you no matter how much you try to explain yourself. And I have got to learn to let it go. No matter how much it hurts to lose a friendship. No matter how much it hurts to be misunderstood. No matter how much it hurts to be accused of something that wasn't in my heart to do. I still have to let it go.

And I am thankful for that lesson on today. People will misunderstand you and there is absolutely nothing you can say and do to get them to think or believe otherwise. You have to pray and let it go.

Day 9 of 30 Days of Thanksgiving: Admitting Im Wrong & Apologizing

Proverbs 12:1 

1 Whoever loves instruction loves knowledge, but he who hates correction is stupid.

That's something isn't it? If you hate to be corrected and do not like to learn more about your flaws concerning yourself, means you are stupid. Stupid is a strong yet offensive word and something no one ever wants to admit about themselves. Especially when it comes to...

Admitting When You Are Wrong. 

You cannot even begin to apologize when you cannot admit you may have done, failed to do or said something to someone which may have hurt their feelings or offended them. 

Working in customer service has taught me this very important lesson, people appreciate when you can admit you are wrong and then set about a course of action to correct the wrong which satisfies your customer and will likely bring them back into your store. It has taught me people value and appreciate integrity and character that people give forth. 

I have learned through the course of the last few years to be quick to apologize and admit when Im wrong. Ive always hated to offend people, but would never apologize because apologizing would mean admitting some flaw about myself that I am not ready accept. 

At work, if I have made a mistake, I would quickly own up to my mistake and allow myself to be taught how not to make the mistake again. If I misspoke or accuse someone of not doing something I thought I told them to do, once Ive realize I was wrong about it, I will quick apologize and say hey, yanno what you are right, that was my fault. When supervising subordinates, being able to admit you made a mistake goes FAR in trying to motivate workers to move with a sense of urgency and do a good job. One time, I was in the office with my boss for giving an associate a scream job of a lifetime in front of customers, after he finished his speech, I said, you know what? I was wrong for my actions. No matter what this person said or have done, only I have control of my behavior and nothing she should have done should have made me react like that. 

The relief on his face was priceless. Maybe because he didn't have to write me up? Maybe it was because I made it easier for him to discipline me without it getting ugly? I don't know.  I do know it   was at that moment I was able to be taught by him and learn something about myself that caused me to react so poorly in the first place.  

There are so many benefits to being able to admit when you are wrong. People tend to believe you in other areas when you are able to admit you are wrong in the areas where you are wrong! No big science behind this statement. While being wrong is human, being wrong and lying or being dishonest about it makes you unethical and questionable in all other areas of your life. You will be looked at as a person of good character and integrity. Character is what you are in the inner core of our soul. Character is the management of your own imperfections and the world around you.  How can one say they are truly walking with Christ and say they have changed all these other issues but are not willing learn, accept and change other issues about themselves they need to be delivered from? This alone will make nonbelievers turn away from Christ and have Christians question your validity of your acceptance of Christ. Stupid much?

Being wrong allows us to make adjustments to our thinking.

Being wrong does not mean you are less of a person. 

Being wrong will create opportunities for people to accept us as a person. 

Being wrong allows us to have a clean slate. 

Being wrong allows us to reflect.

Being wrong offers an opportunity for change (repentance). 

Being wrong shows us we’re human.

Being wrong shows everyone else we’re human.

Being wrong allows us to learn from our mistakes

Being wrong offers us valuable feedback.

Being wrong gives us a chance to make amends.

I have learned to be quick to admit I am wrong and then apologize for them. If I have offended someone, I will apologize even if I know without a shadow of a doubt, I wasn't wrong but my delivery of what I said may have been wrong, or I may say it wasn't my intention to offend, or do whatever it is necessary to right that situation with that person. 

Ive encountered those who view this stance as some kind of weakness on my part. Or that Im desperate for their friendship. Or this makes me some kind of doormat. Or an easy target. Or a people pleaser. Or I am weak. Or I am not strong. 

I am none of those things. 

There is nothing that shows more strength and humility in a person than for them to freely and unashamedly admit when they are wrong. Admitting being wrong is very spiritually freeing and frees you from so much spiritual bondage and strongholds. Admitting you are wrong can even lessen your punishment. Think about those who have made the news who went court denying everything under the sun then have the book thrown at them. Think also about those very few, who admitted they were wrong and their punishment was lessened.

Have you ever been in an argument with someone who will defend their position to the death even when their is credible proof their position or their way of thinking is just FLAWED?? There is this thing in management called, perception is reality. If a person perceives you have offended them, more than likely you have. It could have been your delivery, your body language, the curtness of your voice, your abrupt words, etc.. Nothing chaps my hyde more than for you to tell someone how they have offended you and instead of accepting responsibility or trying recognize what it is they have said or done that was offensive; they try to JUSTIFY them (defending their position to the DEATH) their offense by pointing out what it is you did to make them offend you in the first place. 

This is when I started living by and adhering to the following verse: 

Proverbs 26:4-5

Do not answer a fool according to his folly, or you yourself will be just like him. Answer a fool according to his folly, or he will be wise in his own eyes. 

This is when I stop talking. This is when I walk away and leave them with their falsely perceived self-righteous thoughts. This is when I can see in them, how I used to be, in not being able to recognize my own flaws nor be willing to accept how I was wrong, learn from it, and then apologize. 

Here is the thing about this admitting you are wrong thing, you do not get to pick and choose what it is you are actually wrong about. That's the equivalent to picking out which commandments you are going to choose to follow. It doesn't work that way. Sin is sin. 

And finally, being wrong allows us the opportunity to be right. 

And so on this Day 9 of gratitude, I am thankful for allowing the love of Christ to flow in me and through me by being quick to admit when I know I am wrong, to be able to learn from my wrong, sincerely apologize from it and apologize even if I unintentionally offended someone .

Sometimes, eating crow, isn't half bad. 

‎"And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God." - Romans 12:2

Day 8 of 30 Days of Thanksgiving: The Faith Behind Prayers

I remember when I thought my Grandfather would never change how he is. We love him, but he can be a bit of a trip!! He is usually  a bit self-absorbed, can have very selfish tendencies, a bit self-centered and a knack for saying what doesn't need to be said despite however truthful it may be. It's usually the delivery of it that will have you like WOW!! 

Since I have been here, he really didn't take much interest in me or MiniMe for that matter. I don't think there was any malicious intent, he just didn't. 

Up until today, I simply chose not to deal with him too much. I didn't avoid him, but I didn't seek him out either. 

However, a looong time ago, I prayed for him. Prayed for him without the thought in the very back of my mind "well he is never going to change." I prayed for him to come to peace about whatever it is that is haunting him, that he develops some form of Faith, and that he becomes more loving towards us, his family as a whole. 

Sooo on Tuesday, the day before my birthday, upon realizing I will be off from work this week, he invited me to lunch. Im not going to lie, I was trying to figure out if I should decline, then knowing I don't have a poker face, hoping that my saying yes didn't show the "no" on my face. But there was something in his eye, a pleading if you will.. so I accepted and we set a time for this afternoon. 

This grandfather of mine, is punctual to a FLAW. As I stated earlier, he is of the type, when it is time for a family gathering of sorts to go out to dinner, he will proclaim, "out the door time is 6:00pm!!!!" Then next think we know, its 5:45 and he is sitting in his car looking nervous and looking at his watch and we find ourselves scrambling like idiots busting out the door all at once!! LOLOL 

Sooo today, despite my best efforts to get up and out the house..ehhhh.. I too found myself, once again, scrambling like an idiot trying to bust out the door!! And running late.. and Im afraid Im going to see *the face*, but instead, he calls and I hear *the voice* LOLOL and immediately I say, Im 2 stops away.. and he says its ok.. but you told me the wrong restaurant, its Rudy's not Ruby's!! ehhh ok.. LOL

So I get there.. expecting to see the *face* but he is all good sitting at the bar, having his first adult beverage. Soo again, filled with dread, we sit at our tables and Im expecting that forcefully *polite* elephant in the room kind of conversation.. yanno the kind that is awkward at best. Amazingly enough, it wasn't. We talked about a variety of topics, shared some laughs, had a pretty doggone good time if I must say so myself. 

Previously, I have posted how my prayers for others, such as my daughter, were always answered, but never for myself. As I stated earlier, I prayed for him without the small seed planted in my head that he will never change (doubt). For me, Ive realized that even that small seed of doubt planted into the back of my brain will invalidate my prayers. For myself, I did not yet fully believe that God loved me and that He will take care of me and give me the desires of my heart. So when I prayed for it, that seed of doubt would be planted into the back of my brain, invalidating my prayers for a change to occur in my life. 

Simply put - the prayer of faith: is a prayer seeking help from God on any given subject. In other words - "Asking for Something" - and then (this is the important part) BELIEVING that God will give it to us or has given it to us and thereby receiving it by faith.  In other words, we believe that God heard, and answered our prayer when we prayed.

So check this out.. 

As we are leaving, he says, we should do this again sometimes. Im serious. We really need to do this again. The look in his eyes, told me a different story from what Ive known of him, it was a longing mixed with a little fear if you will. A longing to do something he has never done with me and thats establish a relationship and fearful I would reject his invitation. I happily accepted and said ABSOLUTELY! 

Now, he did say to me during lunch that he was glad I had lost the weight cuz I look soo much better and really needed to get that weight off of me. LMBO O_O

I can't say he has completely changed or that he will ever completely change, but I can say he has made a start. 

That little thought in the back of your brain you have while you are praying? Get rid of it. 

And on Day 8, for that I am grateful for. The start of change and the benefit of my now REALLY knowing and understanding the concept of Faith behind my Prayers. 

He is pretty sharp for 81 years of age now isn't he?

If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.  That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord.

 (James 1:5-7)

Day 7 of 30 Days of Thanksgiving: Another Year, Unexpected Gifts, Gifts & Old Friendships

Here I am writing my Thankful Blog 23 minutes before the conclusion of my 39th Birthday. 

39 huh Lisa? Just WOW!! 

The Unexpected Gift

Since I was about 33, I would say no more babies after 35, then 37, then 39, thennn well, I at least gotta be married by time Im 40 and have the baby in my first year of marriage!! LOL

During the fall of 2008 when I was finishing my undergrad degree, I just KNEW that was going to be my last holiday season in retail!!! 

In June 2009 when I finished my post grad paralegal certificate, I just KNEW that would be THE last year PERIOD in retail and couldn't anyone tell me that the holiday season was not gonna catch me DEAD still in retail. 

I have prayed, literally for 4 years to PLEASE GOD!! LET THIS BE MY LAST HOLIDAY SEASON IN RETAIL!!! 

Well today, I got an unexpected birthday gift from God. Well, kinda.. LOL I went to the doctor and concerned because Im not responding very well to the new meds, he told me to stay off work until the first week of December!! 

SOMEBODY SHOUT GLOORRRAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYY!!!! 

What??? First Black Friday & Saturday in at least 15 years that I don't have to work??

SOMEBODY SLAM THE DOOR IN THE devil's FACE!! 

And whyyyy would I be happy to be receiving 60% of my current pay when I currently have $2.00 to my name, rent isn't paid, bank account is overdrawn due to them not paying me my sick time nor telling me they failed to do so nor did my manager submit my short term disability papers into corporate and I do not know the next time Im going to see a check??

Cuzzz, thinking about going to back to work on Monday would instantly put me to sleep!! The madness that is currently going on, they decided to train all 100 employees on doing returns (many of whom cant give back change for a $20 without shorting the register), we are short staffed on service desk supervisors and the expectation would all fall ALL on me to make sure we are preventing shrink in the return process (cash, proper ticketing, fraud returns, sensoring, etc) AND provide good customer service?? Unh Unhhhh couldn't do it!! I ain't ready and God knows Im not ready and Im thanking Him for this break and leaning on him to provide my needs and ensuring I do not get evicted and thanking Him while I am IN it!!! 

The Gift
MiniMe being ever so frantic over me never having a "celebration" if you will for my birthday, "planned" my birthday celebration by insisting my mother (we are still trying to figure out when did she get a job to make such plans? LOLOL SMH) takes me out for dinner on yesterday evening. Soooo sweet that child of mine is! And the bonus? Moms gave me a $100 gift card to Ashley Stewart! Yesssss!! Said I needed to buy more clothes since my clothes are literally falling off of me! LOL Said she didn't give me cash cuz she knew I wasn't going to spend it on myself (which I wasn't cuz Im thinking about how my bills are lining up) sooo on tomorrow.. Im going to go get me an outfit or three.. and Im thankful for it. 

Another Year
Usually on my birthdays, Im always depressed, always thinking about how nothing has changed, Im still not married, Im still robbing Peter, John, Bartholomew and the rest of the disciples to pay Paul, still living in the hood, still do not have a car, Im still not having an all out birthday celebration party on my behalf, still by myself, feeling all isolated and what not.. and although nothing Ive listed has actually changed this year, Im just genuinely, whole-heartedly, purely, and sincerely thankful to see another year. This year, Im taking all time conditions off of myself for perceived measures of success... its not on my time.. this is not my life Im living.. but His. and it is only when and if He decides for the innermost desires of my heart to be filled or changes my desires. Until then, I must relearn contentment and not continue to feel cheated, short changed or as if Im settling. aka discontentment and be thankful for simply being blessed enough to see another year filled with promises, hope and faith that THIS will be better and there is more to life than what is tangible. 

and finally,

Old Friendships
As I was going through thanking everyone who wished me a Happy Birthday on Facebook, Thank you, by the way, many people I have not seen since yesteryearsssss, have never met, etc.. then I came across some of my oldest and dearest friends, and realize how much I miss them. We are all in different states right now, and I moved to Chicago not having any friends, and on tonight as I thought about it, I really got to appreciate who they are in my life. the laughs. good times. goodwill. phone conversations. going places. visiting each other. shopping. One of whom Ive only met once and upon meeting me took me where I needed to go despite I kept falling asleep on her! LMBOO But what I do remember about them the most, they loved me for me despite my issues and quirkiness, there was never any keeping track of who did what for who and I did this for you so why can't you do the same, they would have offered before I was able to get the words out of my mouth to ask, I would have never been asked to pay for their help, charged for their gas, and they knew I would have never asked anything from them if they needed help from me. I also know my post-Mister life would have been a heck of a lot EASIER if at least ONE of them were in the same city with me. I miss you & love you guys sooo much and I Thank God for you, despite the distance!! Im sorry I seldom call, not because I don't want to, but mostly because I forget (which y'all already know about me LOL) and seldom call folks these days (or previously actually) cuz long conversation will have me sleep on you guys!! LOL SMH

Sooo, today has been remarkably uneventful. No tears. No sadness. No beating myself up. No depression. Some reflection. Many prayers of Thanksgiving. Bummed around North Michigan avenue window shopping, talking with God and doing a whole lot of nothing.

And for once, Im thankful for that. And content. Cuz really? It doesn't get much better than that! 

Days 4 & 5 of 30 Days of Thanksgiving: Thankful for a Diagnosis

*record scratch*

Say what?? Did she just say she is THANKFUL for a medical diagnosis?

Why YES!! YESSS I am!! 

For YEARSSSSS I have battled this problem of mine. This problem of excessively sleeping. This problem of not being able to hear the alarm clocks. This problem of always walking around chronically tired and exhausted and feeling lazy or unmotivated as if I just did not have the will to keep going. I mean I LITERALLY got out of the bed almost EACH morning counting the hours until I can rush and get back into bed!! Sleep ruled my life and was my idol for a LONNNNGGG TIME! And lets not talk about the 5-10 alarms to get me out of the bed!! 


1st Thessalonians 5:17-18, “Pray without ceasing. In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.”

I Had to Keep On Start Praying... again.

Yes again.  I had gotten to a point in my life that I had stopped praying because I didn't see visible results. If I didn't see something change, then I would quit praying. I had become Saved. I had became a born again believer. I was even Baptized in the Holy Spirit that resides inside of me, but I was still an immature believer. The immature believer is the one who still thinks they need to *SEE* the physical manifestation of their prayers & the power of God working in their life. I didn't see that new job Ive been begging for going on 4 years now. I did not see the financial blessings a new job would provide. I did not see how Im gonna be able to pay 100K in student loans if I did not get the job I desire. I did not get the car Ive been praying God for. I did not get the husband Ive been praying (begging really lol) to God for. All I saw was this life of hard knocks & what I did not have and then I had to realize that God really does work in mysterious ways, and it's not MY place to quit praying just because I didn't think God was listening. 

Focus on the Promise and not the problem so the Provision can be released. 

I had to start back with that. I had to relearn this lesson repeatedly. I had to keep beating this thought upon my head until I *got it*.  I had to force myself to stand firm upon the PROMISES of God. I had to learn to pray even when I don't see results, because I have God's PROMISE of blessing, provision, protection and guidance. God tells us that He cares in 1st Peter 5:7 and thus wants us to cast our burdens upon His shoulders in prayer. If I believe the Bible, and have that small mustard seed of faith of the Power and Might of God, it is then and only then by faith that I can do what God asks and trust Him.



I  had to REALLY learn that God loves me. That God cares for me. One day, a few years ago, God got me out of bed in the middle of the night and told me to Google