Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Fighting my Internal Warfare of Loneliness...

Whats up all in blog land? It has been a good minutes since I have last blogged! I have been doing pretty good... many things have been happening mostly good, some not. Well, not neccessarily not good, just fighting my own personal battles that I have been trying to conquer. I have been doing pretty good with fighting my internal warfare against fear, doubt, worry, anger, timidness, depression, feelings of worthlessness and feeling unloved. But that one warfare of loneliness is biting clean in the behind and will not let go!!! 

Let's start with this picture.  This is the flight back from seeing Him.  My God, it has never been soo hard for me to leave someone. I cried from the moment the ticket agent handed me my boarding pass, through the entire flight, on the bus, the train and the second bus.  Walking down the street bawling all the way up to my apartment. It really was a sight to see! As I put my key into the lock of my apartment, it came full circle and I knew what I was facing. Being alone again.  For that brief trip, I was able to forget my worries, my troubles and everything else that ailed me and was free to be me and not worry about what someone thinks of me. To be fully accepted for the craziness that is ME is a beautiful thing... too bad... well.. nevermind on that. 

Anywhoo... it took me a couple days.. well who am I kidding? It took me a couple of weeks to recover emotionally from that journey! LOLOL

Meanwhile, HE told me of a church I should try going to that he knew of here in Chicago. HE knew I have been looking for a church home for quite some time so I went. Now, if anyone knows anything about Chicago.. southsiders don't travel to the westside on a consistent basis (unless for a job), especially not to go to church!!! You are talking about a bus and two train rides away! But I went and realized I was thirsty for the Word that is coming from this church. I was instantly at ease (cuz many if not most churches spook me, i can tell that there is or about to be an uprising in the church and that the devil is present) and everyone appears to be so genuine and not full of themselves.  They seem to be so full of the spirit. Anywaysss, after my third visit there, I joined, the day after my birthday I believe. And since that time, I could do nothing but move up up UP!!!! Finally free of so many things that were ailing me. Free form so many burdens that I bare. Free from the constant internal fighting that I do with myself.

i was able to further free myself when a Sister in the church asked me to give my testimony for a women's service. And that I did and I have to say it was sooo very freeing!!! it is one thing to blog about it, quite another to speak about it....

But then there is that one thing that just will not go away: Loneliness.

I was alright through Christmas week. held up pretty well actually. My mother decided to take Christmas off this year and I decided NOT to spend Christmas with her. Long story short... since Me and MiniMe have arrived here almost 4 years ago, my mother chose to work every Thanksgiving and Christmas so that she doesn't feel the need or have to PLAY HOST to me and my daughter. So I am guesssing since the Minime was gone for Christmas, it would be safe just to have me over and I decided not to spend my Christmas with her! I kinda felt bad cuz I can tell she was hurt but heyyyy... that was of her own doing.

Anywaysss... (I feel myself getting winded here so bare with me LOL) New Year's Eve approached and I decided I am going to go to go have a date with God!! I woke up that morning and my status update on Facebook stated:

Good MurrrTing Fam! Happy new Years Eve to ya! Feeling a little reflective this murrnin, all I can do is sing "Thank you Lord for ALL YOU'VE DONE FOR ME!" Yanno Ive never had a New Year's Eve date or been out to celebrate the New Year coming in? Pretty pathetic huh? LOLOL Thats all right, I got a date with God tonight and Imma be goin to CHUUUCH tonight after closing at work!!!! Thank goodness we close at 6! cont...

And all was well in my world!! i was totally cool with my decision for New Year's Eve. No.. I have not ever been out on New Year's Eve, I am usually in the house alone and sleep before the New Year's Eve!! I figured if I brought in the New Year with the love I feel from the church, that love will carry me through this year and for many years to come!  and then someone makes the comment...
"the nye date should be special, someone you care about and want to spend the next year around. ..so being with people I love that love me PRICELESS! :)"
Well... I know it wasn't her intention.... but that begun the downward spiral for me for the New Year! LOL it came full circle that I have NEVER had anyone to bring in the New Year with, Mister really didn't count because it might as well been as if I was alone.  it came full circle once again and I realized once again just how alone I am. So terribly alone. If I need help I have no one to call. If I am having a bad day, I can't just simply pick up a phone and tell somebody about it.  If ever I am in trouble, I am the only one to fend for myself.  I only have myself to rely on and at that moment I was sooo tired. Soo incredibly tired of fighting my battles and carrying my burdens by myself.  I had to force myself to get it together for work and went to work teary eyed, crying on the train and having a darn difficult time pulling myself together.  I had lunch with someone from church that day and it ended up being a blessing because she said to me, Lisa, no matter what you are going through, just stay in the feeling of gratitude.. be thankful for your sight, your health, your daughter, being able to walk, hear...etc... I had to ask her did my face really show my emotions cuz sistah had my number!! LOL Thankfully, as I said, the lunch was a blessing and I managed to get through the rest of my day a little bit better. I brought in the New Year prayerfully.. made my public altar call request of not allowing other people's actions or lack of inaction to disappoint me and how I have spent much of my life in a downtrodden state of mind because I allowed people to disappoint me. Pastor new exactly what I was saying for he said that it was time to follow God's Will to be done and to allow Him to keep me lifted instead of PEOPLE. Amen.
New Year's Day arrives and i find myself still fighting that warfare.  Trying my best to stay upbeat... My status for that day read... 

"GM fam! Happy New Yeara!No more sad tears year! Altar call resolution last nite is no more allowin people in my life 2 disappoint me! Workin 2day! YAY!"

For the day after New Year.. I realized something....

Lisa Roberta Matthews------ needs another distraction.

By Sunday evening... it comes full circle once again...

Sometimes I wonder what it is like to be first in someone's life. Not just being first but KNOWING that U are first N come before all others except God. I can say I have never really experienced that, not from anybody, not even the ones that are suppose 2 from the time you are born... if I do get a whiff of it... it isalways for a fleeting moment N leaves me wanting for more. Thats all for me fam! Good Night!

Monday Morning reads...

GM Fam.. thanks for the love on my status last night. I am presently conquering many of my internal warfare such as fear, doubt, worry, etc... but this loneliness one is really kicking my tail... staying prayed up... thats all I can do. Have a good one.

and by Monday evening.. I am starting to come out of it and realize part of my issue...

I have tried over and over.. I have tried to make it, I couldn't take it, I had to face it That there is no other way without Youuuu (God of course) I am trying my best to get a GRIP! I am determined to pray my way out of this. I am wondering if I am so used to being down that I dont know how to be UP!!! I said for NewYears NO MORE TEARS and I MEANT IT, but I've been crying everrr since! LMAOO

The love on my page was incredible I must say... As always, I was lifted up. But I am realizing what the problem is.. I have been in a downtrodden state for so long, that I have been having grave difficulty being and staying up!! and then i realized something else that I didnt speak about on facebook.. 

For the past couple of years I have been extremely busy. I have been busy dealing with school, work, my daughter, trying to survive, trying to pay her tuition and feed her, trying to keep a roof over our head... busy busy busy so although I was dealing in full circle with my other internal warfares, that loneliness one was kinda at bay. I would feel it on occasion but it was always momentary because I had soooo much to do and so much other stuff to deal with.. such as HOMEWORK!!! lololol

Then the Minime went away for the summer and I was FINISHED with school and was happy to see her go cuz I needed that alone time to sit in this house and look at these four walls in peace, enjoy the quiet and not HAVE to do ANYTHING but chill! LOLOL

Then the baby comes home, and a few days after that I meet the Him and I am fully involved in the whirlwind of having someone new in your life. The morning conversations and the evening chatting, the impromptu phone calls, etc, etc, etc and then slowly but surely, as always, the slow unintentional yet intentional withdrawal began. (I think I gave too much too soon but that is a whole 'nother story) Then all of a sudden.. I am fully aware of the dead space that now exists. I go from having constant distractions to having very few if none at all.  


Dont get me wrong.. I regret nothing concerning HIM. If nothing else, I have gained so much... he has helped me realize that my soul is indeed lit, there is nothing wrong with me, he has helped me find a church home. We have a solid friendship, albeit booty backwards.. he has given me much and i hope I have been able to give him something back besides JUST the pleasure of him knowing me. *wink*

But at the same time, I am left with all this love I have to give somebody and no one to give it too. At times it feels like it is suffocating me.  i buried that part of me for so long, tried to kill that part of me actually and yes I am quite glad to have that love restored in my heart, but it hurts to have it and have no where to go with it. Hurts really bad. 

But as always... I will be alright. i will pick myself back up, brush myself off and face another day with gratitude. I am still hopeful that there is indeed somebody out there for ME only, that i wont have to share. Who will put me first before all others except God.  Who will be more than willing to help me carry my burdens and ease my pain. Someone to come home to, to kiss at the door, and make dinner for. Someone I can love on as much as i possibly can. The only problem is, I hear my biological clock ticking and I feel like my time is running out. Trying really hard not to feel like it is the end of the world if I do not have another baby or two. 

i am trying and praying really hard to open myself up and allow God to reveal himself to me and help me realize what my destiny is.  My Pastor told me I should write a book about my experiences and I think I am going to do just that. She even named it "Lisa's Story". She says my testimony is and can be a blessing to many.. So that is my plan.. that will be my new distraction.. writing a book.
i have rambled on for way longer than I intended. LOL 

At the end of the day.. I want this glow back....

Ok.. I am not trying to whine about the bus scenario, but I just had the scare of my life!! MiniMe was trying to board the bus and for whatever reason the bus kept moving. I am trying to grab her cuz she every time she would try to step on the bus, the bus would move and i would lose my grip and then she would lose her balance. and then the doors almost closed on her! One wrong step and my baby could have been under that bus!! I know I have come a looooooooong way cuz I was so scared I got ANGRY and that kinda angry from the old me would have had that driver snatched out of his chair knowing full well it wasn't his fault. the bus malfunctioned! Thank goodness for God's favor, grace and mercy!