Thursday, March 24, 2011

Day 5, 6, 7, & 8.. (I know Im cheating but Ive been busy this week)

Sorry... Im a little behind on the blogging a day deal but Ive had a pretty busy week....

So here we go...

Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life...

DOUBLE HEADER: Pray in public AND allow God's Perfect Will be done in my life. That Im able to allow the Spirit of God to work in me or through me.


Yess... that is what I pray about the most and knowing what His purpose is what for my life... Ive got to get this praying/testifying/preaching/teaching thing together... I know its coming...

Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do...

Its simply unspeakable and since words have power, whether written or spoken.... I dare not speak on it. PERIOD. This particular thing use to haunt me terribly, I would dream about it, ,wake up in the middle of the night with the shakes but praise God the dreams finally stopped! ..

Day 7: Someone who has made your life worth living for...

GOD. I praise God, so thankful, overjoyed, gleeful, happy, excited to see the miracles He has worked in my life! OMG!!! I never thought I could get to this point of sheer happiness.. Just happy in God. There is this song that Ive been listening to, "My Worship is For Real" and one of the lyrics is "I should have been dead, sleeping in my grave, but he made my enemies behave" and OMG that just resonated with me! I should have been dead! Car rolled over 4 times and I climbed out the window with nothing but a scratch on me... I should have been dead, sleeping in my grave... I was with a man who strangled me for sport... 4 months pregnant and I saw my death in his eyes and thought.. thats it.. this is how Im going out... I should have been dead sleeping in my grave!!! This same man unknowingly exposed me to HIV repeatedly until we found out! God spared me with His Mercy while I was living in all kinds of sin. MERCY! Just thank you God for mercy! My worship would be different but God saw another purpose for my life that I couldn't even see myself... I COULDVE BEEN DEAD... SLEEPING IN MY GRAVE!!! For years.. I walked around on earth.. dead.. walking dead.... Just Dead.. sleepin in my grave as I mindlessly walked through life. Dead cuz I couldnt see past being victimized. Dead because I stayed in a constant state of pity parties. Dead because I was always depressed. Dead because i was mean and hateful and didnt have friends cuz no one wanted to be around me and my negativity and foul mood. Dead in my spirit. dead in my soul.



My darkest moment came when I considered sending my daughter to my ex-abuser to live so I could end it for myself. But thank you God! Joy came in the morning! And now my joy lasts from morning until night.... Thank you God! For keeping me alive and for your mercy! And as I actively choose not to sin by the ways of my flesh and God keeps pouring His Grace on my life! Thank you God for your Grace! Thank you God for thinking of me when I couldnt think for myself. Thank you God for seeing and knowing the purpose for my life when I couldn't see anything but darkness! Just Thank you God!! Thats Why My Worship is FOR REAL!!

Day 8: Someone who has made your life hell or treated you really bad...

Mister. or My mother.. sometimes I used to think there was a competition between the two. LOL SMH But thank you God for deliverance and for teaching me and getting me to understand the power of FORGIVENESS and letting it go! Just thank you!! Not even worth typing what they did cuz it doesn't even matter anymore!

Be Blessed!!

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Day 4: What I need to Forgive Someone Else For.. NADA

I can honestly say.. I have forgiven all those who've done wrong to me so I can't really blog on this topic in that manner.. What I can do is give you a lesson on forgiveness..

Christ instructs us to forgive others from our heart... 77 times 7 if necessary. EVERYDAY. even for the same offense. The thing is.. and I can testify to this.. is that when you truly have forgiven someone from your heart nothing they do to you, no matter how badly they may slight you, it will not bother you in any way, shape or form! FOR REAL FOR REAL!!

I learned I had truly forgiven my mother when I found out she didn't tell me my aunt had passed and I found out thru facebook. I was shocked, which was a human reaction, but I wasn't hurt or devastated like I normally would be. I no longer carry the burden of hurt and disappointment over what has transpired in the past, what she may do and what she might not do. It's done. Im finished with it. The burden of unforgiveness does not bother the person you are not forgiving cuz they are still carrying on about their business as if nothing is wrong. The only person who is hurt by not forgiving is the person who isn't forgiving others. Hatred, anger, disappointment, bitterness, regret, fear, doubt... all feelings associated with unforgivness is not of God but a trick of the enemy to keep your mind off of God. Yes. it really is that simple.

Soooo Im going to share a lesson from my discipleship class.. it is a rather long read but here it goes...

By Don Krow

Today we‘re going to look at the subject of forgiveness from Matthew 18:21-22: “Then came
Peter to him [Jesus], and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven” (brackets mine). I think Peter thought he was being very generous to ask how many times he should forgive someone who sinned against him, ―seven times in a day, do you think?‖
Jesus said, ―Peter, not seven but seventy times seven.‖ That‘s 490 times, but it doesn‘t mean that after 490 times you don‘t have to forgive. What Jesus said was an impossible number of offenses that would happen to an individual in a day. He was saying forgiveness should be continual, that it should go on and on. Forgiveness should be the real attitude of a Christian. Jesus said in Luke 23:34, “Father forgive them; for they know not what they do.” And also Stephen the martyr, in Acts 7:60 said, “Lay not this sin to their charge.” Not all people will receive forgiveness, but the attitude in the heart of a Christian should be always to offer it.

Jesus tells a parable about forgiveness when He continues in verse 23 of Matthew 18, “Therefore is the kingdom of heaven likened unto a certain king, which would take account of [make a reckoning with] his servants, And when he had begun to reckon, one was brought unto him, which owed him ten thousand talents. [The Living Bible says that is like ten million dollars.] But forasmuch as he had not to pay, his lord commanded him to be sold, and his wife, and children, and all that he had, and payment to be made. The servant therefore fell down, and worshipped him, saying, Lord, have patience with me, and I will pay thee all” (brackets mine).

Now, here‘s the situation:
There is a man who actually owes ten million dollars to his master. There is no way he can pay
it—he knows he can‘t and the master knows he can‘t. In those days, you couldn‘t claim
bankruptcy like you can in the United States—they‘d sell you, your wife, your children, and
everything you had, and you‘d go into slavery. You would be sent to prison until everything was
paid, and if it never was, you‘d stay in prison all your life. This man did the only thing he knew
to do: He got down on his knees and cried for mercy, ―O master, please be patient with me!
Please, I beg you. I‘ll repay you everything. Just be patient!‖ Notice what happened in verse 27.
It says the master was moved with compassion for him, and he forgave him his debt. We had a
debt we could not pay. The Bible says that the wages of sin was death (Rom. 6:23)—separation
from God for eternity—all the silver and gold in the world couldn‘t redeem us. Then God in His
compassion and in His grace sent His Son Jesus Christ to earth to pay the debt we couldn‘t pay.
God looked upon us in His compassion and mercy and said, ―I forgive you that debt.‖ This man
who had just been forgiven ten million dollars was owed something like twenty dollars by a
fellow servant. He found him and said, ―I‘ve just been forgiven ten 2 owest. And his fellowservant fell down at his feet, and besought him, saying, Have patience with
me, and I will pay thee all. And he would not: but went and cast him into prison, till he should
pay the debt. So when his fellowservants saw what was done, they were very sorry, and came and told unto their lord all that was done.” He threw that man into prison for twenty dollars after he‘d just been forgiven ten million dollars! Can you imagine that?

Verses 32-34 say, “Then his lord, after he had called him, said unto him, O thou wicked servant, I forgave thee all that debt, because thou desiredst me: Shouldest not thou also have had compassion on thy fellowservant, even as I had pity on thee? And his lord was wroth and
delivered him to the tormentors, till he should pay all that was due unto him.” This man was then thrown into prison because of the way he treated his fellow servant, and thus forfeited his
original forgiveness. Jesus said in verse 35, “So likewise shall my heavenly Father do also unto
you, if ye from your hearts forgive not every one his brother their trespasses.” Isn‘t it foolish,
having been forgiven all our sin— the wages of which are death and separation from God for
eternity—to refuse to forgive? We beseech God, saying ―Forgive me and have mercy on me
through Jesus Christ,‖ receive forgiveness, and then turn and refuse to forgive someone else for a little thing we think is so big—after having received forgiveness for all the things we‘ve done.
God‘s says that‘s wickedness.

I pastored a church awhile back, and there was a young woman in the congregation who was able to see things in the future. She came to me one day and said, ―Is it the Holy Spirit telling me things to come and showing me things in the future? I know when people are going to die and when someone is going to have a car wreck, and things like that.‖ I said, ―You won‘t like my answer, but I don‘t believe that‘s the Holy Spirit. I think it‘s a spirit of divination, the same spirit that followed the Apostle Paul around in Acts 16. He finally rebuked it and commanded it to come out of that girl and she lost her ability to tell fortunes.‖ I went on to tell her that I wasn‘t God, and said, ―I want you to go to Jesus and ask Him, ‗Lord, what is telling me things and giving me information, even before I was saved? Is it your Holy Spirit, or is it something else?‘‖

She came back to me one day and said, ―I talked to the Lord about it, and I think it‘s all right.‖ I said, ―Whatever the Lord says is all right—I‘m not the Great Shepherd.‖

This was in early 1986, and do you know what happened in 1986? We had a space shuttle called
the Challenger, and eight people went up in it. One of them was a woman schoolteacher. As this
young lady was watching television, she saw the woman saying, ―Tomorrow I‘m going up in the Challenger,‖ and talking about it. A spirit spoke to her and said, ―She‘s going to die, she‘s going to die. The next day when the Challenger was launched, it blew up as the whole world watched, and all of the crew perished. The young lady came back to me and said, ―Brother Don, I think what‘s talking to me and giving me information may not be the Holy Spirit. Would you pray for me?‖ Following the service that night, after everyone left, I took her by the hand and said, ―You unclean spirit of divination, come out of her!‖ Nothing happened. Jesus‘ disciples tried to cast an unclean spirit out of a young man once and couldn‘t do it. Jesus said, ―Bring the young man to me.‖ So I said, ―Lord, I thought I knew what was going on here, 3
but I bring this lady to you. Show us what‘s going on.‖ My wife was praying with us and God
gave her a word of knowledge. She said, ―It has something to do with her mother.‖ I said to the
woman, ―Will you forgive your mother?‖ The moment I said that, a voice screamed out of her,
―NO! She gave me away!‖ Then I said ―I bind you, you unclean spirit‖ and asked the woman
again if she would forgive her mother. She then forgave and released her mother and let her go
by the grace and help of God. She was able to let go by making the decision to forgive, and then
she received her deliverance and freedom. to me and giving me information may not be the Holy Spirit. Would you pray for me?‖ Following the service that night, after everyone left, I took her by the hand and said, ―You unclean spirit of divination, come out of her!‖ Nothing happened.

Jesus‘ disciples tried to cast an unclean spirit out of a young man once and couldn‘t do it. Jesus
said, ―Bring the young man to me.‖ So I said, ―Lord, I thought I knew what was going on here,
Just like Jesus said in the parable in Matthew 18, I‘m saying that if we do not forgive from our
hearts after we‘ve been forgiven such a great debt by our heavenly Father, we will be delivered
into the hands of the tormenters. What are the tormenters? They can be all kinds of things––
demonic strongholds, oppression, sickness, depression, disease, and many other things. The root is unforgiveness. Not forgiving after we have been forgiven allows Satan a foothold in our lives. The Bible says we have to make the decision to forgive. In the Lord‘s prayer (Matt. 6:9-11), Jesus said to forgive as we‘ve been forgiven.

Mark 11:25-26 says that when we pray, if we have anything against anyone, we‘re to forgive.
What does that mean? Unforgiveness should stay in our hearts how long? Only as long as it takes us to go to the Lord and pray. And if we have the slightest bit of unforgiveness against anyone, we should release them and say, ―God, I‘m letting them go today. I‘m forgiving them. I‘m making a choice because You forgave me such a great debt.‖

Lord, I pray for anyone reading this lesson that has unforgiveness in their life, that they make a
decision right this moment to let that person go, to forgive them whether they are living or dead. I pray they will let it go and let that hurt be healed by your power and your grace today, Lord. I thank You, in Jesus‘ name. Amen.

Day 3: What I need to Forgive Myself For: My Pride


My pride has always been a major source of contention with me. I've found out recently that not being able to ask for help is a form of self-centered behavior. Im almost in tears writing this because this is one of those subjects that I keep near to my heart.

Today I once again found myself without a sitter so I can go to work... so I had planned on taking MiniMe to work with me. No biggie. I've done it many times before and I will do it again... well today, MiniMe had other ideas... she came up to me while we were at church and asked if she can go with her 2 favorite people from church for the day... and then I asked... well... were u invited?? And she says well they aren't doing anything Mommy! But still were u invited?? And boy did she maneuver herself right where she wanted to be. LOL SMH It worked out in her favor... but Im always drilling the point in to her of not inviting yourself places with people, if people want u to come along they will invite you, u don't want to wear out your welcome nor do u want to be burdensome. I really sometimes despise when MiniMe bounces up to people begging or asking for something. Im always worried that people are going to think Im putting her up to it.

Ive been willing to compromise what I know isn't right as a mother to keep from asking for a sitter. How awful is that? Each time I get to that point God saves me.

I guess a the problem has always been with me, but I was always able to work out my own issues and handle me and mine since I had two jobs. Im not able to do that anymore now that Im a single parent.... I guess it wouldn't be so bad if people were a little bit less obvious about hiding their disdain... when you can see someone trying to figure out how not to help while trying to figure out how not have it come across that they dont want to be bothered.

then to00... i could just be paranoid...

Ohhhh can't wait for this segment of begging to be OVER WITH..

Friday, March 18, 2011

Day 2: What I Love About Myself

I thought about so many things that I love about myself as I was thinking about what to blog about... Superficial things such as my hair and looks, more personal stuff like my ability to change and my humor, something spiritual such as my growth as a Christian. Then when I really thought about it and the events that have taken place recently, what I have discovered that I love most about myself is that I always honestly try to do the right thing no matter the circumstances.. Even if I have stand alone in righteousness I will stand alone if necessary.

For many of you that have followed me over the years, you know the story about Mister and I. To narrow it down a smidgen, he owed me a great deal of money in child support arrears. Child support has been intermittent and I consider myself blessed when I get a payment! Ive gone as long as 6 mos and although I do realize that some custodial parents do not see a dime in payments, but my financial struggles are in fact my own. Being that I work, I never qualified for any kind of governmental assistance, not even a dollar in food stamps and rent and my daughter's tuition is literally ALL of my take home income. Paying bills is a juggling act.

I say all of this to say.. that thru the whole custodial mess, I tried my best to be fair because it was the right thing to do. I could have been ugly about it, I could have tried to keep my daughter from him, but that wasn't my place. I could have done a whole laundry list of things to harm him like he had done me but I didn't simply because it wasn't the right thing to do. The right thing to do was to make sure I did my part that my daughter had a relationship with her father. The whole issue of child support reared its ugly head one day in court when he wanted a reduction and I told him he didn't have to pay anything if he didn't wanna and that it was between him, God and our daughter. It was at that moment that I was finally free from being his victim. We finally agree upon a reduction amount and this man had the unmitigated gall to then go before the judge with our agreement and asked not to have pay for the summer months since she was with him. The judge said UNH UNH what you pay for your other child you will pay the same amount for THIS CHILD. LOLOL I had to laugh cuz I do whole heartedly believe the judge was positively FLOORED by his audacity. Here I agree to a $150/month reduction and he still goes and asks to pay even less.. LOLOL SMH

People and family talked about me so bad. Called me stupid. Said he had a hold on me. Nobody seemed to understand my need to not rock the boat nor my need to try and do the right thing. But God understood.

*AGAIN*.. LOLOL I say all of this to say is that my child support arrears were wrapped up in Mister's Chapter 13 bankruptcy case and his taxes were suppose to be garnished to go toward his bankruptcy and I wasn't suppose to receive payment until his lawyers decided to pay the state of Illinois. Well.. apparently, Illinois put a lien on his taxes and garnished them before the Bankruptcy Court or his lawyers could get their fingers on a dime.

Child Support Arrears will be PAID IN FULL. In Jesus' Name.

You can't mess with a child of God. What God has for me is FOR ME!! Not anyone else. It is rightfully MY MONEY. I chose to do the right thing in my dealings with him, despite his abuse towards me, despite all of the horrible and hideous things he has done to me, despite him not being a willing participant in financially taking care of our daughter, God once again poured His Grace into my life. It wasn't for me to take revenge against Mister for our God is a JUST GOD and only He alone can serve justice.

Thank you God. Just Thank You in Advance for Your Constant Grace & Favor.


Thursday, March 17, 2011

30 Days of Blogging Day 1: What I Hate About Myself

Sooo Ive decided to partake in this Daily Blog for 30 days on writing 30 different pre-chosen truths about myself. Although Ive given up Facebook & Twitter until Easter, I will be posting links via blogger to my page... I dunno why I am having such a difficult time this year with my total fast... but here we go...

Day 1: What I Hate About Myself

I really do despise my inability to be disciplined in all aspects of my life... Not praying like I should, Studying the bible like I should, staying on top of my homework like I should, keeping my household intact, not being able to focus, sometimes unable to keep my trap shut because I have that ever elusive point to prove. This particular inability of keeping my trap shut has caused me much strife in my life and in some cases has ruined friendships and I am steadily working on and praying for me to discipline my tongue.. Anyhoo, I cant even do this 40 day fast I put upon myself, still smoking, still drinking coffee.. just big ol *sigh*... I lasted 6 whole days... SMH I am keeping off of Facebook and Twitter, well for the most part... I am discovering that not being able to post my daily thoughts is worrying me beyond belief... Im trying to keep a journal, but I seem unable to do even that on a consistent basis. But the one thing that I seem to be disciplined about is getting my sleep. It use to be that sleep was an escape from darkness and depression, and PRAISE GOD that is no longer the case, but now I just seem tired all of the time. And thats driving me to distraction because I am feeling like Im being lazy. Someone told me to get some vitamins, B12 & prenatal. Ive done so today and Im praying this works. I do know that for most of my life Ive always felt tired. Just tired. Dont know if it is me, if Ive been conditioned or have conditioned myself to be sleepy. But what I do know is that beating myself up about it is not going to solve this problem.

30 Days of Blogging