Monday, December 29, 2008

The Queen of Getting One's Panties in a bunch.... smh @ myself LOL

Sooooooo, today was the day of reckoning.  I went to the financial aid office to find out how on earth they overpaid me by 1500 big ones.  Sooo, i was seen by some Asian chick (the race will be relevant later lol) who kept trying to explain to me that THEY didn't make a mistake.  Since I graduated in December my financial aid award changed. ok. i get that. but uhhhhh yall have known that since August soooo, how isn't it your fault again??? So then she got frustrated with me (cuz I wasn't letting up) and said lets talk about the paralegal in the spring and money for that and then i said. Can't talk about something I can't register for now can we????  I then said, I already know from my visit here in September about my reward for spring and I also know I will have a balance that I have to pay of a grand, HOWEVER, I can't pay for that grand plus the 1500 you guys over paid me so what else is there for us to talk about unless you about to tell me something different. So then this chick had the nerrrrve to say....

"well you did just received x amount of dollars"

and???????????? what in the shit does that have to do with the price of tea in China??? I used that money to pay bills since I only worked 2.5 days a week!!!

So then she got a little stoic. more like non-flipping-chalant and I don't remember what she said but I know I was ready to knock her slant eyes straight (i told you lol and yes that was my actual thought) when I said yanno what? stop pacifying me and get me somebody who is over you who can FIX THIS.
and I got up and stormed off...

Soooo, after i got an appointment (sucks teeth) to see the director next week (*sighs) I went to the bursar and told them what happened and the lady said that no, I wouldnt be able to register until the bill is paid.  But she was nice enough to give me the number to the person in collections to see if I could work something out. 

So then I went to the lounge and got on the puter for a sec.  then I left and went to the 7/11.  As I was walking to the store, I was really really REALLY distraugt. I am like what am i gonna do? I am gonna be stuck at this store for another damn Christmas!!! And the thought of that is enough to send me over the edge by itself!!!!  This meant I would have to sit this semester out, try and pay off the bill and then enroll in the fall. Something I didnt want to do because first, I want to be in a new job by fall, second, i vowed that minime wasn't going to be dealing with me in school during her first grade year and prolly not until high school will i attempt my masters, and third, I aint gonna be able to move out of this place (chicago, to hell with moving out the apartment LOL)!!!!  So all of this is going through my mind. all while I am walking. All while I am picking out my junk food for the night.  I mean I was in despair and on the verge of tears! To the point of doubting what my purpose is suppose to be in life.

As I go to pay for my goods, I realize that both of my debit cards are missing.


So i retrace my steps and go back to the school. Ask the lady at the receptionist desk and she said she had seen nada.

So I prayerfully went back to the financial aid office hoping and praying that they are still there for it is now after hours.  I look through the glass and see the VP and was like yessss!!!!

So he comes to the door and i ask if anyone had seen my debit cards and he says yes come on in.

Soo as I am waiting and he is searching trying to figure out what the secretary had done with them all the while he is busy fussing at me. He goes and finds someone else to help look and never stops fussing and was like why isnt it in your wallet? And I reply I was just kinda distraught as to why and how you guys overpaid me. So the lady says are you RLM and i am like yesssss and she says dont worry about it I took care of it.
  Whaaaa?? HOw so? So then she started telling me about how she how I  stormed out of that chick's cubicle and that I kinda scared her and the students back there (yeah I remember the looks on their faces in hindsight lol) and she inquired as to what happened and pulled my file.  Well, it was their mistake. Actually hers. And she said she was sorry. that yes, the university knew when I was graduating and yes it was on my fafsa report and that it was actually HER mistake and for that she apologizes.

I was just like thank you and the tears flowed and I attempted to explain how I am trying to do everything right and how I keep getting obstacle after obstacle and how I really just couldnt take another thing and to tell the Chinese girl that I was sorry. LOLOLOL And I gave the lady a hug and just said thank you sooo much, cuz you dont know what I have been through.

First, it pays to be a dingbat. *whistling*
Second, I gotta stop reacting in such a manner that I go from one emotional extreme to another. Shoot, that is too much like bi-polarism and there is one to many of them in my immediate circle.
Third, the most important thing ever, I have got to learn to let go and let God. I am HORRIBLE about it. I just can't trust for Him or anybody else to have my back and it took for me to realize how losing my debit cards led me right back to that financial aid office to find out that problem had been resovled let me know just how powerful and how much in control God is. Everytime I get myself all in a state about something he always comes and fixes things. Most times, I dont even realize it until days later.

and what is even more amazing? LOLOLOL

I didnt think about it until after I was on the train home and I was like DAMMIT, I hope she didnt take money from next semester's aid to pay for it just to release my records!!!  Well sure nuff, after I got home and was sharing my testimony on the phone, I looked online and saw she used the university's money to fix it! *whew*  Hadn't made it half way home before I doubted God's power, mercy and his will be done. I know my purpose in life. It took 35 years and a lot of near heart failure, but I finally got it.

Sunday, December 28, 2008


Mister done lost his damn mind. Now, I am not one to rip on what he gets her for Christmas, ESPECIALLY since her gifts (except for clothes) stay down there with him.  Soo, he gets her some kinda cupcake maker. Which was fine. The Queen's Mother told me that MiniMe asked Santa for one of these when she saw one. and i was like WHATEVAHHH. That shit aint coming up in here! LMAO  So I was talking to Misterrr today and DAMNED if he didnt say he was sending it up here with me! I was like


Do I really look like I got that kinda room????

100_0045 100_0046

So he was like, I didn;t know I was gonna have to be fooling with her helping her make the cupcakes!


He made ONE and was through!

When he asked me what was a cupcake maker i was like I don't know, I don't plan on getting one it some kinda EasyBake oven kinda deal that ain't happening in my house!!!!

He betttssss keep that shit down there with him, thats all i gotta say. LMAO

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Graduation proofs

I will post the bigger ones once I am emailed my actual proofs.

I fell and busted my ass...

This was good shit. I swear. I wish I had my camera with me yesterday. lmaooo

As I walked out of the apartment yesterday morning, the ground was looking awfully shiny. lmaooo

So I step my foot out to test the waters to see if that was really ice and off i went.


down on my ass. shit. i couldnt even brace myself for impact cuz I wasn't expecting to go down quite so suddenly. lmaoo I was grasping for what nothing?  there was nothing around for me to hold on to! lmaooo

So then, I then i manage to halfway get up and...


down I went again. lmaooo

tried again and


This shit was getting ridiculous.  Here I wasn't even 10 feet from the door and I have fallen 3 times down the porch that consists of 2 concrete steps.

Sooo, I rolled my big ass over on the icy ground and made it to the snow.  To which I finally was able to stand up.

then i face a dilemma.

more fucking ice.

soooo, i attempted to jump across the sidewalk to another bank of snow (really the grass covered with snow) and...


down I went again.

So then I kinda sat there and looked and considered my options.

Attempt to go back to the apartment and try to go back up two icy ass steps with nothing to hold on to....

or go fiend my way to the bus stop. so I jumped snow banks rather successfully and approached the street. the street looked like a sheet of glass. NO JOKE. lmaoo

somehow, i made it across making small, iddy bitty steps. made it all the way to the bus stop without further incident. waited an 1.5 hour for the bus.  the only reason why I didn't call off cuz i wouldn't have gotten my holiday pay for yesterday.

shit on them! lmao

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

woooooooo hooooooooooooo!!!!!!

I got unexpected good news. Cuzzz, I wasn't expecting to get my grades because thanks to financial aid, my records and degree is on hold.

But I got 2A's and a B++++!!!!!

The graduation ceremony didn't mean shit! well it did, but it is NOW official!


Multiply gonna make me lose my flippin mind...

....and Lord knows I need what little I got left.

But uhhhhhhhhhh..........

somebody tell me sumffin. whats this new deal with the comments??? why are they staggered? why is it when i click on the new comments I am not taken to the bottom of the blog????

How in the shitty fuck am I suppose to keep up with the latest replies if I gotta look through all the comments?

Whats this shit about????

Is there a way to change the settings???? Laaaaaawd knows I have looked.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Putting my pen down for a while...

Soooooo, today I graduated. and that felt good.

I get back to my mother's house and checked my email and Mister done emailed me that he isn't coming tonight to get MiniMe, he will be in tomorrow evening.

I am suppose to work tomorrow and I gotta call in YET again. I couldn't wait to get through with classes so I could go back to work fulltime and what has happened in the last 3 weeks? I have had to call of on what is about to be my 3rd occassion in 3 weeks. my 3rd occassion of not getting a full paycheck like I anticipated. I had to call my job tonight, bawling in frustration cuz I can't come in tomorrow in the height of retail's busiest season. Somehow or 'nother, he does this shit in some way, shape form or fashion EVERY year.

to add insult to injury, today while sitting my mother's house, I was looking at MiniMe's recent school pic and asked my mother what happened to my school pics when I was 5. She then told me that she got rid of them when I sent her a dirty email during the custody battle with Mister.


I then asked is that what happened to the jewelry I bought her for Christmas back in 1996 (it was a blue topaz set in 14k gold crucifix necklace with matching earrings and bracelet that ran me about $400) and she said yes. she threw that out too.

the email in question was about how all she could do for me in my custody battle with Mister was pray for me and in a very wordy, queenlike email, I told her she could keep her damn prayers. it was gonna take more than prayers for me to get MiniMe back. there is a whole lot more to this story, but that would require you to read the first blog because I can't begin to tell that story again all I can say is I would never disrespect my mother, however, I am not and wasn't then going to continue to be my mother's punching bag.

I am absolutely stunned that she threw out 400 bucks worth of jewelry. i mean, she has gotten mad before and thrown out smaller gifts but I would never imagine in a million years that she would do that with the jewelry.

I will never buy her anything else for as long as I shall live.

I remember when I was a card, i gave her a mother's day card. Two days later when I got my report card and received two C's she tore the card in half and wrote me a note signing it with just her first name.

So I should have known.

What kind of mother does that? I am asking you????

A year ago, I wrote a blog about my moms, it was a releasing it through the pen moment, in which I said some pretty unfavorable things about her. not disrespectful, so much as venting my frustrations about our relationship.

and in return I got a blog written about me, talking about me like I was the lowest of the low because I vented my frustrations.

Well, if you are gonna sit in judgment of me, then hit the delete button. do me the favor. Until you have walked 10 steps in the abusive relationship that is me and moms, then you have NO idea what I am going through.

It is the holiday time. and I am going to be alone. I gave up my turn for Christmas with my daughter cuz I don't have a babysitter up until Christmas Day.

My relationship with my godparents/family at this point is irrevocable. I sooo want to know what I have done so wrong that they got sooo mad at me.  Most of this has to do with the fact that they think I am using them. That i only ask them and not my mother and that I am lying on my mother.  That is their old-fashioned way of thinking I guess, because they can't fathom a mother who doesn't help their only child with their only child. They said they weren't going to help me with babysitting unless my mother does what they consider to be her fair share.  They do have a point. They are afterall, in their late 70s. Alot of what is going on over there is fueled by the younger Godsister, and that is a whole ;'nother blog right there.

But they ought to know my mother by now, they have known her longer than I have been alive.

I have been through different blogs, reading people's favorite and memorable Christmas's and it is making me sad. Sad because I don't really have those kind of memories. And good Christmas's I had was usually followed by my mother destroying my gifts because of a poor grade or for leaving a fork in the sink.

I am tired of feeling like the party pooper, so I aint been saying much on blogs. My sense of humor has taken a nose dive.

I have been crying for the last 4 hours or so, since I last talked to Misterrr. My poor, sweet baby, keeps saying to me to not cry, don't cry Mommy, it's YOUR graduation day. She keeps coming up to me and hugging me, looking sad and trying to cover me with her blankie so that I feel better.

Although I am thrilled to death about my degree, it too has come with an unexpected price.  Come to find out, the financial aid department overpaid me by 2K. This is gonna really severely impede my ability to get my paralegal certification. I was already gonna owe a grand after the loans paid out, but that will put me up to 3K.

I most certainly understand about Holiday blues. I understand why suicides go up. this is a very depressing time of year for those of us who don't have anyone to share the holidays with. I keep holding out, hoping I will meet someone or make some new friends. Hoping year by year, the holidays will get better for me.  Yeah, they say that it is all about making the best of the situation, I have done that now for quite a while and it seems like every year it is getting worse.

Nobody wants to keep clicking on a person's page and keep seeing the same depressing shit being talked about.  So, I have decided, I am going to put down my pen for now and not blog until things get better and I have more happier things to write about. 

I need to find me somebody to talk to. I know I am not the only one to go through things, but sometimes, it most certainly feels that way.

I know one thing, I HAVE to leave Chicago, for the good of the last bit of sanity I got left.


Thursday, December 18, 2008

This chile of minessss... I swearsss...

First, she lost her sweater on Monday.

Then she turned around and lost another sweater on Tuesday.

Somehow or 'nother, she managed to make it through Wednesday and not  lose anything.

Sooo, today, as the Christmas program at her school was drawing to a close...

Her teacher assistant came and found me in the audience and wanted to know if I had any of Taylor's belongings, to which I replied, what did she lose now???

The assistant hesitantly told me with a combination look on her face between laughter and concern for Taylor's safety quietly informed me that Her Grace lost ONE boot.

How in the shitty fuck does one lose ONE boot???

So I said, I am watching the show. I will be in there to deal with Her Grace.

I had to let her little ass STEW for a minute. and STEW she did cuz honaaaaaaaay, when I said the look on her face was one of sheer horror....


I know I ought not be laffing, but I got to cuz I am PISSED!!!!

I know she is five,

I know she is five.

I know she is five.

I have to keep saying this until I believe it.

I know she is five.

I know she is five.

But fuckin AAAAA!!!!! I just bought them boots!!! 30 friggin bucks dude!!! and that is a SHIT LOAD OF MONEY for ME to spend on some mickey fickey shoes for a 5 year old, but guess what?

That is the cheapest I have found them! And that is flippin PAYLESS!!!!!


I aint got money for no friggin BOOTS!!!!!

And it is not like i can make her go without, we in  Chicago on the bus!!!

I know she is five.

I know she is five.

I know she is five.

I know she is five.

Sooooooooo, we had to come home with her wearing a shoe and a boot, cuz the OTHER shoe, the sole partially came off today and that bitch is just-a flappin. So she couldn't very well go home with THAT  on now could she???

I know she is five.

I know she is five.

Queen, it doesn't matter that she is a SMART five.

I know she is ONLY five.

Fortunately, we got a ride.

I know she is five.

I know she is five.

I know she is five.

I know she is five....

oh, and in all the confusion of looking for her boot, I left my purse.



Monday, December 15, 2008


is anybody else having problems with Mozilla???

I lost my bookmark tabs and cant click a button without it going to non responding mode.

Can anybody help me on this???

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Shoes Thrown at Bush in Iraq during News Conference

oh Godddddddddd, help me Jesus! *howwwwwwwling

First of all, that journalist got one hell of an aim.

Second, Bush sure does know how to duck!

Third, how many times they gonna show it in one clip????????????






I swear I can't make this shit up! I just CAN'T!!!!!

 Angry Typing

What galls me. what really galls me is this fucker really thinks I am gonna sit by and go down.

Everytime I turn around, this fucker got a new trick up his ass.

I am tired of being nice. I have more than bent over backwards for his ass.

All in the name of trying to prove that I wasn't trying to keep his daughter from him.

Well fuck me then.

I just got more bankruptcy papers from his ass.

he is trying to sabatoge me. thats all I can think of. WTF???

Soooo, let me have any kind of repercussions on this. and I will be calling whoever it is I got to call to tell him how Misterrr illegally changed his SSN and birthday so he can get his Ga license. the last one was suspended and revoked beyond repair. he still owes the state of GA THOUSANDS of dollars.

Lets not talk about the years and years  he used somebody else's kids to file his taxes with.

he bets quit fucking with me.


Friday, December 12, 2008

easy come....

another one bites the dust....

that will be the last time i get excited about somebody. i dont understand game. i dont have the mental faculties or capacity to understand it. dont present yourself as one way and turn out to be another and then when I say something about it, tell me that i assumed or misunderstood.


no more. i am done. thats bout all i can handle.

I gave it a shot only because I wasnt looking for it and it was unexpected.

i am gonna keep rejoicing my singlehood.

Shit like this, makes   me feel worthless and unlovable. 

i know rejection is a normal part of life but how much is too much?  is there such a thing as too much??

No more hope, cuz it always leads to disappointment.

And I am gonna stick with what I know.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

an open heart.....

You ever have that funny feeling come over you???

you feel it in your heart....

I can never describe it, the best word I can come up with is...


almost a hurting, breathless kinda yearning....

that yearning that one has, when one has when an unexpected yet flaming desire takes over one's heart...

my heart feels open, which is rare... I am one who is usually rigid, one who has their guard up.

One who puts three bricks up for every brick that one tries and takes down...

patience is what is lacking in most men these days...

It will take a God fearing man, with the patience of Job...

and the persistence of God to deal with me...

a little about me, I am loyal and believe in my role as a woman...

i believe in the man taking the lead and if necessary I will step up to the plate in your down times....

but I have the greatest fear that someone will take my submission as me being a fool...

and a fool I am not...

sometimes you feel something that you don't expect...

from someone you haven't met...

and that is enough to spook my scary behind far away...

and make me run for those ever lovin hills...

it is rare that a man won't wig me out in one conversation...

and that is a man I find worth getting to know...

I wasn't looking for this...

you kinda snuck up on me...

so, consider yourself lucky. LOLOL

you have my curiousity and interest peaked...

Thursday, December 4, 2008

well, ya'll were right about ONE thing!!!

this damn semester went by quick!!!!!

I just did my last Thursday night traveling out to no man's land!!!


But, I still got 4 papers to write. and a final to take! But he is letting me take it downtown Chicago with a proctor and thank God for email so I can just send my assignments in!!!

Monday, December 1, 2008

Doug's Campaign Celebration HeadQuarters - Crazy Christmas Shoppers Should Be Shot...
the situation behind this is not funny, but the delivery, have mercy!

Welcome to Cy's WonderWorld!     - What are you afraid of? Get your butt up!

Loneliness is contagious right????

Translucence Eddie had  blog up about how people dont want to deal with you, because the dispare and loneliness that a person shows may be feared to be contagious.

Great Scots, that struck a nerve with me...

I am soo ever fearful, that this loneliness, dis-associative, asocial personality that seems to run through my familyb will afflict my daughter....

I try my best to make sure that Taylor is exposed to other people so she dont get whatever it is that i missed growing up...

I spent most of my childhood, virtually locked up in my bedroom.... Not literally, but we lived in  a 3 room apartment and i had the bedroom, my mother had the living room, and she had up a curtain dividing the area that goes from my bedroom leading to the living room. since i had to go through the living room to get to the kitchen, i was made to knock on the the wall, and wait for my mother to tell me I can come through...

My point in all of this, somewhere in this very isolated environment, i didnt learn how to be around people. how to act. how to show i am appreciative. I grew up in survival mode and it seems like, i can't seem to get out of survival mode.  and when you are constantly in survival mode....

i dont know how to describe it....

i went to my godparents for the weekend...

and damn, if i didnt get my ass chewed, because i didnt 'bring' anything  a dish or whatever or do anything to help.

Hmmmm, lets evaluate this. I asked, twice, if they needed me to bring anything both time they said no.

No means no right???

these are old time southern folks who one can never achieve that ever elusive ability to be clean enough to cook for them....

so, i do what i always do for the holidays and clean up, make all the take home plates and put all the food away. but because they decided to use paper plates this year, that didn't mean shit.

i stayed at my godparents house (the baby was at the godsisters) and again, offered to help to with something to which i was told there was nothing to do, cuz i have been down this i should do something anywaysss... so i mopped the kitchen floor and cleaned the bathroom, my godparents are in their 80s and my other godsister wont do it.

but, they jumped down my throat cuz i left the ice cream lid somewhere it wasnt suppose to be and now  i dont ever pick up behind myself.

now, i am a user. i dont listen. i will step on who i need to step on and hurt who needs to be hurt to get what i need to get done.  i should have done things like they said i should. what was my hurry with completing school? i need to find somebody else to pay to watch the baby on the evening and weekends. even if it means leaving her at a strangers house.

i am sorry, this goes back to dont recommend me to do soemthing that isn't good enough for you to do. if you would not have dared to take your grands to a strangers house to be watched, dont be mad at me because i am trying to avoid that at all costs.

I am sorry, i need friends, family, siblings, cousins SOMEBODY!!!!

I am tired of being by myself. doing it all by myself. trying to figure it out by myself. i am tired of being in survival mode.

are my people skills that fucked up???

doesnt no mean no????

why say no if that is not what you mean????

I am thinking about Mister right now. I am revisiting that possibility.

I am tired of crying. my eyes hurt. my head hurts. my voice wont come back. my baby keeps asking me what is wrong. i dont have an answer besides it is not her fault.

but i dont what her to miss whatever it is that i missed in terms of relationships with people.

i dont want to miss whatever it is i missed and not have friends, or a husband.

I don't want her to catch whatever I caught that makes me an unintended loner.

thats what i know.