Friday, September 25, 2009

I feel as if...

....I am walking around with a hard dick 24 hours a day... 7 days a week.  That is the best way I can describe this feeling. I can only imagine what a man feels like if he was in a constant state of arousal.  Now, as a rule, I AM a horny individual.  Maybe it is because I have never been in a relationship in which the sex was a constant everyday affair.  Well, there was one, the man I was engaged to, my first real and true love, we screwed like rabbits on the regular.  Every time we saw each other, we were either disrobing or were getting ready to disrobe. LOLOL  Everything we did led up to us getting it on. LOLOL

But I digress...

So although many would say that I am in a constant state of arousal is because I don't have regular sex, ummm no. I don't think that is the case.  I believe I am just a horny individual.  I really am starting to believe I am a closet nymph. LOLOL

I said I wasn't going to blog about this, because I am afraid to jinx it, but at this point, I need a different outlet. LOLOL I know he may be about sick of me at this point LOLOL, cuz I have to admit, I am kinda sprung. (I will never admit just how sprung I am. LOLOL)

There is this guy that I have been talking to for a couple of years online. I have kept him at bay all this time, I knew I liked him, but ummmm, I just kept him at bay. and that is all Imma say about that!

Anywhooo, the opportunity presented itself to finally meet. He came to Chicago for a function and I got my chance.  Time was sparce and definitely of the essence.  The attraction was instant as we locked eyes for the first time from across the street. If I believed in the foolish notion as love as first site, that is as close as I can describe it as.  He says.. it was the dress. LOLOL

But, he has liked me (according to him), for quite some time. I gotta admit, he gave one hell of a chase and was mighty damn patient for all of the no'ss that I gave him. LOLOL Poor thang.

I was so very nervous. Good grief. Nervous about what I knew I was about to do, nervous about meeting a perfect stranger and taking him to my house, my spooky behind was scared that he was not going to be who he portrayed online.  But he is. My comfort level was instant, which for me, is unheard of. Absolutely, unheard of. We embraced, he kissed me on the cheek and I know he was ready to pounce me right then and there downtown on State Street.  But, I can't put it all on him, I was too. I was just nervous as shit. Cuz this is not how I get down. LOLOL  Cannot say that I have been EVERRRR down this particular road before.

So we make it back to my place, he says I took a step towards him, I say he snatched me in his arms.. Well, it may have been a combination of both. LOLOL He kissed me one of those kind of kisses that makes a girl tingle down to her toes and got me instantly wettttt. Well, I already kinda was on the way to my place. shhhhhhhhh don't tell him that though. LOL

Needless to say, the deed was done, took two hours though. LOLOL Now before I proceed I must say that I have had some damn good dick in my day. I'm just sayin'. Cuz in a minute, ya'll gonna think I haven't. LMAOO

I will admit, that I have not had a man be so attentive in bed.
I mean, I have had attentiveness, but never, not once, on this level.  Every spot that needed to be kissed was. Every spot that needed to be licked was.  Every time my hands reached out to grab something out of sheer ecstasy, he grabbed my hands and held them and somehow, all the while, he never stopped kissing me.  He kept looking me in my eyes and I kept looking away. I felt as if his piercing gaze was trying to look into the center of my soul and shit, I was already naked, what more did he want? LOLOL  I found myself all of a sudden being attentive to his needs, kissing him wherever I could and found myself aggressively mounting him, something I never do. Not necessarily my favorite position but I rode him like my life depended on it.  I made the mistake and looked down into his eyes, looking at me with those piercing hazel eyes and next thing I know, the tears fell. I mean, I cried and he held me and wiped the tears from my face and asked if that was a reaction to an orgasm. yeah.. sure buddy, that is what it was. LMAO

I thought of doing things that I don't do. Had to stop myself from doing them (those of you who have followed me and seen comments on blogs and I even wrote a blog about it knows what it is I am speaking of) because doing so would be the equivalent of handing him my heart on a platter and the expectation that comes with that and ummm no, ain't quite ready for that. Me and those damn principles (or is it foolish notions?) of mine.

Now that the deed was done I am now wanting to know as much about him and remember as much about him as I could.  Did so by reading every archived message, reading everything he has ever posted on his pages, everything that I could find about him, I read it. See, for those two years, I kinda made myself ignore him cuz that was not something I was trying to get started. I mean, we talked on an almost daily basis, we were each other's confidants of sorts.  At one point, there was a hiatus of over a month, and when I thought really hard about it, i remember making myself invisible to him because I could not deal.(nope, he doesn't know that)  He has always, as a friend, been very positive, always telling me to keep my head up, always encouraging me to push it through school, that there are brighter days ahead,  always listening to my woes when everyone else was sick of hearing about them including myself. Why anyone would pursue someone who was the mess that I was at that time is beyond me. LOLOL

As he walked away from him that evening, I fought tears (he don't know that either LOL) as I kept trying in vain to convince myself that he was just a good screw. Period. End of discussion. He is like that with every woman he is with. I bet he has a dozen and two women out there tripping over themselves for him!!!! That I am nothing more but a good screw for him that he just made sure he would get the opportunity to do again if he did it right the first time.  Yeah, I can usually convince myself to turn feelings off and this time I have failed miserably.   And then the follow-up conversations began and he started to tell me everything that he like about me, including my goofyness (why i dont know LMAO) and that is what did me in and put me on this damn cloud. At one point, every time I talked to him, I would blush profusely and would subsequently walk around with this STUPID LOOK on my face. LOLOL Great Scots, my face got sore from smiling so much.  The kids at work looked at me in wonderment, because usually they fear me a little bit, cuz yanno, i gotta stay in those kids behinds on the regular, and they are like we are scared of you because you are smiling at us so damn much. LOLOL And I am like yeah, whatevah... do whatevah... lalalalala LOLOL They been getting away with bloody murder, time for me to pull in the reigns on them bad mofos, although I must admit, they haven't gotten like they were. LOLOL I have them trained well as to what to expect when I am on duty.

Right now, we are friends, for I am his friend first and will probably remain that way for quite some time as he makes some very difficult decisions in his life.  I do not know what will become of us, if there will ever be an "us". I have no expectations, I am keeping my hopes in check (barely),  nor am I waiting on him. I do not know why our paths crossed the way it has, maybe there is a lesson involved regarding the both of us. I know for me personally, I have been taught a very valuable lesson and if there is ever another behind him, the bar has been set very high.  I now know what I should feel when involved with someone. I know that there is quite possibly someone out there with the patience of Job who can deal with me.

I know what is getting to me the most, is the questioning of my own personal stability because the feelings have mounted so fast. I am not a fast kinda person. I am usually one of those grow to love someone kind of person cuz quite frankly, a few idiosyncrasies in a man will spook me and I will be OUT! I have always been one to slowly but surely get over myself of a man's faults. I am not saying that he is perfect, but at the same time I am like faults? schmaults? LOLOL They are of no consequence at this point, LOLOL, I mean, it would have to be pretty damn bad for me to be turned off. I am thinking, if he has any, it surely won't be a concern of mine and I will be more than willing to overlook them. LOLOL

I will see him again in 25 more days (don't be mad cuz i know how many days exactly LOLOL) and although I am as anxious as a sissy given a life sentence I have to admit I am terribly spooked behind it. What if what I saw of him the first time was nothing but a fallacy?  What if it is just a case of desires that are resurfacing that I deliberately buried in myself in my quest to be realistic of what may be my eternal singlehood and being happy about being single? What if he is an idiot and I was too blind in lust the first go round to realize it? I mean, wtf is wrong with me for catching feelings this damn fast? And furthermore, how are we attempting to plan the second trip when my first trip isn't completed???

arrrrrrrrrrghhhh, I know I am driving myself nuts unnecessarily. I am trying really hard to let go of many of these *principles* of mine and just go with the flow. REally I am. but it is hard when I am at the point of taking a second pair of underwear with me to work. LOLOL

Now that I have made the biggest and most complete fool of myself by putting pen to paper, maybe now I can rest a little bit better mentally.

All  I know is... we may not make it out of the airport parking lot.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

A Daily Inspiration and a Must Read ~This Spoke to My Heart and Mind~

The Only way to have peace in a relationship is to know how to butter your own bread. --- Ra-Ha

If you are in a relationship that causes you imbalance and anguish, get out. If you are in a relationship that does not support you or lowers your energy, leave it alone. If you are in a relationship where you give more than you get, where what you give is not respected, where the security you seek is costing you peace of mind, you've got nothing else to lose--- so leave.We come together in relationships to grow, not to live in misery. Our relationships should be sustaining, energizing and growth-supporting. When they are not, our growth is stunted, our energy is depleted and our personality is distorted. A solid, loving, supportive relationship is like a shot of life. It is a source of inspiration, it provides a spark of motivation to encourage you onto the highest evolution of your selfhood. If you are in a relationship in which are happy sometimes, sad most of the time, struggling to figure out what to do, and how to make it last, you are out of place.

I know when to quit.

Iyanla Vanzant


I remember I used to have Iyanla's Acts of Faith book. (guess what happened to it? LMAO) I used to read it daily for it is a daily inspiration book. I remember I gave one to everyone I knew a copy for Christmas. Today as I went to drop the MiniMe of at my mother's house for the evening.. I discovered she had the copy I gave her in 1998! WOWWWW Still looks new too! So I flipped through to today's message and this is what it said.

I know we have all been in relationships in which at the end of the day, this is how you felt. Be it work, friends, spouse.... sometimes relationships takes more out of you than you are receiving in return. I know many, if not most of the relationships I have been in that by the end of the day, they sucked the life out of me. The last one I think almost killed me, figuratively and literally speaking.
It should never be draining to love someone or one should never stick things out for the wrong reasons. sometimes, what we may feel is the right reasons can actually be wrong because without knowing it, we may be damaging those reasons. (got that? lolol)

For example, when i stayed with Misterrr for all that time, trying to keep two parents under one roof, thinking that at the end of the day, that is what would be best for her and it wasnt. Being with him drained me to the point i felt like I was slowly dying on the inside.. hating to get out of bed, not wanting to be bothered with my daughter, crying all the time. I had never suffered so much from sheer loneliness and I was supposedly in a relationship! I was stifled... suffocated.

Reading this, reminded me of how much I have been freed from feeling bad about being ME!

Recently, I have been given a "SHOT OF LIFE". I have a pep in my step, a glimmer in my eye, and a glow on my face. I never thought someone would genuinely appreciate me for being ME. it has been a loooong time since I have felt this way... since I have felt internally alive because I tried to let that part of me die. and even if it is not to be... I appreciate having the hope that their maybe someone who accepts me for ME.