Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Lisa's Story: Part 1

I look at this picture now.. and just wow.. those who have no ability to discern will not see it, but a few discerning spirits have told be they see nothing but darkness in me in this picture. I would have to agree with them. I am posting this blog for a final time on what I hope is to be my final blog page. I am gathering many blogs into one location because God has commanded me to write a book about what happened to me and I must be obedient. However first, I need to gather everything into ONE location! 

This is something that I originally wrote in a blog 4-5 years ago... many of you may remember it.. for many of you this will be your first time reading it... I can finally read this in appreciation.. without crying or being upset, just in appreciation AND awe of the awesome presence and favor of God in my life.. I am SOOO not the person who wrote this anymore... sooo not the person who is filled with such despair.. I post this because this is something that many people may be going thru right now.. in all aspects and it is a teaching tool to recognize that whoever it is that is going thru it can also come out with their head up...

There may be cursing in this blog here in there... my foul mouth had yet been delivered... also.. Mister was previously known as The FOOL.>>

This is a story that was part of a 3 blog trilogy that I had posted on my old page that got deleted. I remember the day I typed part 3 to the trilogy, I went to post and it did the infamous yahoo thing and disappeared. *POOF* it was gone, so I went and rewrote it and saved it on word and decided to repost it today and tell the rest of the story. Someone very close to me said that I come off as moaning and groaning and that I appear that way because they don’t understand like she does because she knows more of the story, or so I thought. Well I am going to finish it now, and it is very long, 11 pages on word.

Let me preface this with saying that by the point that this story picks up... I had found out Mister was HIV+, found out he may have been on the down low..Found out that I WAS NOT HIV+.had several domestic violence incidents with Mister and one with Ma Barker (his mother) and by this point had left 3 times already...

So during this two month waiting period...

Gotta pause this for a second... the time frame in this two month waiting period is the time between when I found his lab results from applying for home owners insurance to the time he went to the doctor and found out himself... He initially denied being HIV+ despite the fact I had his paperwork in my hand...

... we tip toed around each other. He brought out his charm, the same charm he used to snag me with in the first place, but he never said one word about IT. And no, he didn’t lay a finger on me, sexually or otherwise. It was a strange existence and with passing day I grew internally angrier and angrier. I knew that it was time for me to make my move.

After the results he was distraught. I can only imagine the inner turmoil he was going through. This abruptly halted any plans of ours to have another child and then it was the matter of life insurance. Me being me, I started searching for ways that HIV positive men could have children without infecting the mother. I searched for companies that would actually give him insurance. There are 5 insurance companies in the U.S. that will insure him and there were ways to have a kid without actually getting infected. So then he started to resent me. His resentment grew with each passing day to the point that it became intolerable.

I asked him how he got it and he couldn’t come up with any answers. I asked him point blank if her ever slept with a man,
he said no. I then questioned him on everything that I found of his (found some stuff suggesting he had been with a man) and his answer?


Then whose is it exactly?

No answer.


To this day, I still haven’t been given any answers. You see, I would have stayed with him if it was an actual case of him getting it from a female years before me.


So if that was truly indeed the case, I wouldn’t have left him. Who am I to judge? We all have had our moments when we have slipped up and didn’t use protection. It could have happened to anyone of us. I wouldn’t have left him if he had cancer, so I wasn’t going to leave him because of this. I truly felt bad, as much of an asshole he is, I KNOW in the bottom of my heart he didn’t intend for this to happen. I had no PROOF that he was actually on the DL, so we resumed as normal.

But now, he is unbearable to deal with. Here I am trying to give him hope and he is nothing but ANGRY. He was already mean, then he just became downright cruel.. I was at the point that I couldn’t sleep when he was in the house with me. As soon as I heard the key in the door, I was up. I was always on edge and nervous. Never knew what he was gonna fly off the handle about next.

The final straw for me, it may not seem like much to you, came when we were on a weekend trip to Florida and I couldn’t find my purse. I have always been a little dingy and forgetful, it is just who I am, and I couldn’t figure out what I did with my purse. So I had to keep running back and forth to the car to get a different hotel room key to figure out which room I had left my purse in. With each trip back to the car, I am getting frantic cause I know he is gonna blow. I am nervous, apologetic, almost in tears and he says


And I cried. I cried silently all the way to the beach. Cried and cried and cried. In my tears, I had a plan. What was the point of staying? I am trying my best to accommodate him and this news of his and for what? To never get anything right? Oh HELL no! If we had a normal relationship, I would have never considered leaving him. I would have understood that he was just going through a thang right now, but we didn’t have a normal relationship. There was no love, no joy, no intimacy(not talking just sex either) no romance, no compromise, no affection, no nothing. I couldn’t put up with his illness and his shitty disposition too. Plus, we were having too many knock down drag out fights, I was through.

I can’t live in fear. I lived in fear my whole childhood and I wasn’t about to live in fear as an adult. He knew that too.

Soooo, I started packing shit up and sending it back up North. I told him that I was going on vacation. Those thirty days before it was time to go was the most frightful and edgy time of my life at that point. The day before I was scheduled to leave, I broke out in hives. I am very good of internalizing feelings and that was my body’s way of letting some of it go. The ride to the airport was dreadful. I just knew he was gonna figure me out! He kept looking at me funny and my heart was beating faster and faster. Finally, we made it to the airport and he asked me when I will be back. I told him, 10 days from today, I will call you with the flight info. We get out the car and he helped me get my luggage and stuff together. I then give him a hug and with tears in my eyes said


I grabbed MiniMe and turned around and left.
To be con’t in a new series titled: THE COURT BATTLE
I never did finish the complete story. I am doing so now so that people close to me will have a better understanding.

I landed in Chicago and boy was I grateful to have made it there. He found out that I was gone the second day I was gone by calling my old story in Atlanta and being told that I no longer worked there. Yeah that was a pretty fucked up way for him to find out, I really did intend to tell him myself, but I was too scared. I know his temper is very volatile and I didn't want to catch a drift of it, even 700 miles away.

Now before anyone get all up in arms about me taking his child without his knowledge, know this, if you are unwed and in the south particularly, regardless to whether or not his name is on the birth certificate, MiniMe was not legally his child because she had not been legitimated. Legitimating (and I believe I discussed this in a prior blog) is when the parents go before the judge and declare under oath that he is the father of the child. So no, me leaving the way I did may have been unfair, but it sure as hell wasn’t illegal.

My original plan was to vacation in Chicago for a while and then move on to Michigan where my best friend of 17 years lived. I had my job was transferred to Michigan, so after spending time in Chicago I went on to Michigan. I returned to work, found an apartment and attempted to move forward with my life.

After about two months of arguments so bad between me and him I was near stir crazy, I agreed for him to come and get MiniMe in an attempt to work out a visitation schedule amongst ourselves. Since she was only one year old at the time we figured 3 months with me and two with him to be a schedule that would benefit her and us best. So he came up and got her and we signed a letter (because I know how conniving he could be) saying that he was getting MiniMe for a visitation and that he was to bring her back on December 15? (I can’t remember the exact day, but in that general vicinity), 2004, and that I was not abandoning her and we were doing this in an attempt to work out a schedule without court involvement. Well the day came and went and no word from him, I am calling frantically and get no answer. When I finally reach him, he said he wasn’t coming because of a storm that rocked the Midwest (look it up if you don’t believe me) but they were going to leave by the 23rd to make sure she made it back in time for Christmas. Well the 23rd goes by, then the 24th, and then Christmas Day he finally calls and says and I never forgot the words: “Merry Christmas you stupid ass bitch, I ain’t bringing her back, I put a stay (he filed in the wrong county so it was worthless) on her and she can’t leave the state of Ga, did you really think I was bringing her back to your stupid ass?”

Lord have mercy I almost died, that was the worse thing I could have ever heard him say. Not having my MiniMe back? Potentially never?
I gotta pause here for a second, the reason I never went into the Court Series blogs because it is was just too painful, and still is. What happens next is something I could never forgive him for, no matter how hard I try.

So, mind you, I work retail, I had logistics to work out to figure out how and when to get back to Georgia, what to do and how to do it. The next 3 weeks had to be the worse weeks of my life, ever in my memory. I cried everyday, all day. Could never stop crying. My friend and I drove down to Ga, an attorney told me to file a writ of something, can’t remember which one, but basically says to turn the minor child over now. I would be able to do so because I was the sole legal custodian guardian. So I go down to the courthouse and file for one in the judges chambers and I am granted an emergency hearing within 48 hours, the sheriffs deputy was already dispatched to serve the warrant and we go back to the hotel room and wait.

Before I continue, I have to go into another dissertation; I had a warrant out for my arrest in Georgia. I was on an unsupervised probation for driving on suspended license; I racked up 3 citations in a 7 day period which led to a $3,000 fine. I paid on time for a year and upon my move, I could no longer afford to pay the fine so I let it go temporarily till I could get financially stable. So keep this in mind as you read on.
We get back to the hotel, change clothes and take a nap. We are awakened by a loud knocking at the door. Who else is standing there besides Dekalb County’s finest? No one knew we were there, but I found out later that he took a lucky shot and called his cousin who worked for Marriott to see if I was at any of Marriott’s hotel and guess where we were staying? At the Courtyard. How he even knew the warrant was out I still don’t know, he never told me that secret, but he knew. So I am arrested, I am crying out of control, we show the deputies the court papers and the document I had him sign and you can tell they were feeling kind of bad. They take me outside and guess who we see sitting outside in his car waving and smiling at me? You guess it, THE FOOL. When I pointed them out to him, I went bezerk and they were pissed, both the white and black officers alike (btw, there were a dozen squad cars outside like I was a felony fugitive wanted for murder LMBOO) were highly pissed and told him he had to leave, that yeah I had a warrant out but that was a foul move to make to have me arrested to keep me from taking our child back out of state. They then ordered him off the property before they arrested him for loitering and trespassing. (Yeah, they will do that in the south).
This is on a Wednesday, I am transported to Dekalb County Jail and then transferred to Gwinnett County Jail and dressed in and don’t you know I started my period? So upon being showered in I asked for underwear for which I was denied and was given a maxi pad and was told to shove it between my legs and to hold it there with my thighs. (This will make sense to you later) And then I wait, I have no idea what is going on, I called my mother who told me what did I want her to do about it and that I shouldn’t have let her go with him in the first place. I then called my godparents and they were livid and distraught, I gave them my friend’s number and then proceeded to wait. And wait. And wait. I am calling my godparents off the hook trying to find out what is going on and learn that they are trying to get the money up so I can get out. They talked with the probation officer and he said that he would drop the charges upon payment so that I could get my daughter. And I am still waiting. Jail waiting is the worse! Friday, the day of the hearing, arrives and I am distraught. I mean, I have cried for 2 days straight and here it was the day of the hearing and I hadn’t heard anything regarding the hearing. Next thing I know I am called out of my cell and upon going down to the temporary holding area I am told I am being transported to Rockdale County. I didn’t know whether or not to be happy or sad. The Rockdale County Sheriff’deputy tells me that the Judge was PISSED that I was not there (he remembered who I was from when I was in his chambers crying and begging for an emergency hearing) and found out from THE FOOLs lawyer that I was in jail and immediately suspended the hearing and had me picked up. On the long ride from Gwinnett to Rockdale County, I told the deputy what happened and he was like damn that is a dirtiest trick he had ever heard of. He then OFFERED me his phone to use to call whoever I needed to call and I called my friend, who was still in Georgia (hadn’t left me here thank God for her) and she came to the courthouse with all of my paperwork. So then I arrive and the hearing is restarted. I will never forget it, I am brought into the courtroom, with my hair matted to my head, shackled at my feet and blood running down my legs. My jumpsuit is stained from blood, I still had on no underwear and was still trying to hold a pad up there with my thighs, I never felt at that moment, so humiliated in my life. And the judge is like WTF???? So his lawyer starts off by saying that I abandoned MiniMe and that I told the FOOL that I didn’t want her anymore and told him to come and get her. So when it is my turn to talk, I proceeded to tell the judge what happened, how I got behind on my probation payments and the warrant was out, how I got arrested at the hotel, don’t know how he found out where I was at but when I got outside he was out there waving and smiling at me and then I showed him that document that he and I signed back when he came and got her.

The judge is furious.
He can’t say why he is mad because it wouldn’t legally hold up in court I am sure, so he proceeded to ask me if he was the legal father and I said well his name is on the birth certificate and he is like nooo, has the minor child been legitimized and went on to explain what that was and I said no and he says that he is putting MiniMe into protective custody (foster care) until this whole thing is settled, DNA is ordered and I say noooo, wait a minute, she can stay where she is at, pleeese don’t put her in foster care! Please don’t, she can stay there until I get out and we come back to court! The judge says no, there is no way he was going to allow a girl child (his words not mine) stay with a man who was not legally the father, court adjourned, hearing set for two weeks. He asks when I will be out of jail and I said hopefully by that evening, that the money was being raised and the judge did stipulate that if I was able to get out by that Monday, he would allow me to pick her up immediately upon my release provided I stay in Georgia with her. He orders him to bring MiniMe up to the courthouse so that she can be turned over to child services and I beg the judge to let me see her, I hadn’t seen her by that time for 3 months. He had one hour to get there, because I had to leave before shift change. Well of course he doesn’t get there for two hours, right before the judge is ready to send the deputies to his house. Fortunately, the judge delayed my departure and meanwhile I am discussing with a child case worker my life in THE FOOLs house. MiniMe finally gets there and she looked as me as if she didn’t know who the hell I was. I don’t think there couldn’t be anything worse, besides the death of a child, to have your baby not know who the hell you are. I am sure I looked a sight to her, and me crying didn’t help matters, but there was no recognition.

Now I am really tripping, I mean I didn’t think it was possible to cry so many tears. I couldn’t figure out which was worse at the moment my baby in foster care or her not knowing who I was? Oh heck no! As mad as I was, as hurt as I was that my baby was in foster care, I couldn’t help but feel that it served that fool right, you shoulda seen the look on his face. You do dirty, dirty happens to you right? Now don’t get me wrong, I do take part of this blame if not almost all, because I should have kept up with my payments, had I done so this wouldn’t have happened.

So meanwhile, my friend and my godparents are working to get up the money, I had $600 in my account, my godparents came up with a grand and my friend came up with the other $200. When my friend went to get my money out of the bank, my pin number wouldn’t work anymore. After I got out I found out that my pin numbers had been changed via online, while I was in jail mind you, so when I got out I had to go to the credit union, thankfully I never changed banks to a Michigan bank, and had to have my account closed and reopened. I had the kind of bank that you can set your own pin number via online or over the phone and I learned that I had to block that kind of access. There was only one person who had that kind of info to be able to do that, I wonder who it was?
So then, my godparents and friend had to get up more money and my friend went and paid the probation officer that Monday morning. Well the probation officer didn’t make it to court till that Wednesday to have the charges dropped and by time I got out on Wednesday, it was too late to get my baby. She was stuck in foster care for at least two weeks.

I was in jail for 7 days, the worse 7 days I ever had in my life at that point, but little did I know, it was about to get even worse.

We leave Georgia, go back to Michigan, waited a few days and turned around and came back. I went to see my cousin who was stationed in Ga ( the one I mentioned in the troops blog) and despite his distance from Rockdale County (3 hours) he agreed to let me stay at his house if after the hearing I still can’t leave Georgia with MiniMe and he also loaned me the $1500 for a retainer for a lawyer.

What happens next blows my mind. We go to court, he has his whole family there and of course there is no one there but me and my friend. Court starts and boy did he ever pull a powerful punch, I proceed to hear from the judge that I am being accused of child abuse, his lawyer proceeds to tell him that I was abused as a child and that I was never a good mother and that he be allowed to retain immediate and permanent custody. *WOW* Me? Abuse MiniMe? I remember when MiniMe was first born and I was bawling my eyes out because I was afraid that I was going to abuse her because I just knew that I would have those same abuse traits and he was comforting me telling me that I would never be that kind of mother. The one compliment that I ever got from his was what a good mother he thought I was and these charges was from the same person who used to tell me jokingly that I would let MiniMe get away with murder because I would be too afraid to discipline her. For me, it was the lowest of blows. I could only equate it to being stripped naked, being beat till I bled then leaving me to stand naked in salt water rain. I would rather spend an eternity in jail for the most horrendous crime than to EVER be accused of child abuse to my precious MiniMe. That is something that I take seriously, to heart. She is my baby, I love my baby way too much to ever make her EVER endure even a fraction of what I lived through as a child. Sometimes, even to this day, I am still lenient on her for fear of her feeling how I felt. Unwanted. Unloved. Abandoned. Broken. Unlovable. This was my worse nightmare come true. I didn’t know which part was worse, being accused of abuse and neglect or being accused of being an unfit mother because of what my mother did to me therefore rendering me unable to be a mother.

So the judge ordered an investigation and another hearing is scheduled for 30 days. I am left with no other choice but to move back to Georgia. So I go back to Michigan, sell my stuff out of my apartment, pack up, get my job to transfer me back (take a pay cut mind you) and flew back south. I stayed with my girlfriend that I had in Ga and wait for the hearing. During this time, I go and see MiniMe while she is in state custody, she was still looking at me like I was nuts and that drives me to more tears. I swear I never cried so much. I go see her as much as the case worker has allowed me and there was a funny thing that I was noticing, the case worker was starting to change her attitude against me. At first she was all on my side, but once he started telling her how abusive I supposedly am, she really starts acting nasty towards me. To hell with me and his illness, and the domestic violence and his temper and his dirty tricks, you mention child abuse and without any just cause I am automatically convicted in her eyes. 30 days, turns into 60. Apparently the hold up was her write up on me. We finally get another hearing set, Good Friday of 2005. The judge decides to be more formal this time and discloses the results of the *investigation* and I am called to the stand as the first and what turns out to be the only witness. I get up there and through a series of my lawyer’s questions I begin to finally tell my story. Of the abuse. The strangling. The shoving matches while I was pregnant. About how he said he wouldn’t ever hit me because I was light skinned and I would I bruise easily therefore leaving evidence. About me leaving 4 times, one time going to a shelter because I had no where else to go. Then the judge stops and asks me why I left the shelter and went back to him and rightfully balked at my answer of how my roommate’s daughter had pneumonia and I didn’t want my 5 month old baby to catch it. The other shelters were too far away and they couldn’t move me to another room because the shelter was full. And finally about his illness and how his temper worsened upon him finding out about his illness. Now the judge is THROUGH. He halts to the proceeding and tells his lawyer that there was no way in hell (his words not mind) that he was going to even consider allowing an HIV positive man have custody of a child and if his lawyer wants to, he could take him up on appeals. Well alrighty then. Then he asks me about the report and why MiniMe wasn’t respondent to me and I tearfully said that it was because I hadn’t seen her in 4 months and she didn’t know me anymore. He then tells us that we would have joint custody with me being the custodial parent after a readjustment period of 6 months (the first 3 months with him and I have weekends and the second 3 months with me and he have weekends), after the 6 months was completed I would be allowed to leave the state provided I give a 30 day notice and then orders the child support amount and tells us to go into conference and hammer out a visitation arrangement.

You would think the story ends there right?

Well the first 3 months goes as scheduled. It worked out pretty good, we were both civil then friendly to one another, I think we were just both relieved at this point that she was finally out of foster care after more than 2 months in there. He gives me my car back and I start going to his house for the weekend because there was too much drama (her and her man drama) at my friend’s house. We went to counseling at his church. We had MiniMe’s birthday party at his house, she really was something to see when me and him were around her together, she was soooo happy and that really made me feel bad about leaving. I never wanted her to not go without her father under the same roof, I didn’t have my dad and I always wanted her to have hers. So right when it is time for me to take custody, he starts asking me to move back in with him and give him another chance. He says he wanted his family back together. And I believe him, even now I do. Only because like me, more than anything he desired a family unit. I didn’t give in to that until my friend that I was staying with decided to move her boyfriend in with her, me and her two kids and I was like oh hell no. The last thing I need for him or the judge to find out was that her drug dealing boyfriend was living under the same roof as me. Oh hell no. I don’t know about anywhere else, but I know for a fact that in Georgia, if the police decide to raid your house and they find something, all of the adults are going to jail and the kids are going to foster care. PERIOD. You can iron the rest out after the smoke clears. Well hell no! There was no way in HELL I was going to even CHANCE her going back to state custody, so I said to myself well maybe, this is a sign from God for me to give him another chance. So I did and I moved back yet again.

So I move back and everything is fine for a while. And slowly but surely, the issues start to mount. It starts with arguments over money. He was pissed that I was trying to pay back people that I owed instead of helping him get out of HIS debt. That led to arguments about money. Arguments about what his role in the court battle. ( I couldn’t help myself, the wounds were still fresh.) Arguments about me telling the judge about his status, sorry buddy, after all of your dirty tricks, I decided not to play fair anymore, I used the only dirty trick I knew I had, I believe it is called CHECKMATE? That is one man that doesn’t like to be outdone. So then shit starts to escalate and my fear of him is coming back BIG TIME and the straw that broke the camels back was when his mother (yes she lived with us) threw my perfume away because I left it on the kitchen counter. Well we had a heated argument and I went to my bedroom and slammed the door. Then sat on the bed and waited. One thing you don’t ever do in HIS house is slam a door and in a matter of seconds and I found my out. Next thing I know he kicks the door in and comes in after me. Jumps on top of me on the bed and starts with the strangling. Drags me to the bathroom and throws me up against the wall and starts choking the shit out of me. Almost thought I wasn’t going to make it that time, but I knew I had to take this one to get out without any problems this time, provided he didn’t kill me. MiniMe runs in and says Daddy stoppit! Daddy stoppit! Over and over and over again and he finally stops and he leaves the bedroom. I am sitting there in a daze, planning my next move. I get dressed, get MiniMe dressed, I go downstairs and he is sitting there crying. He starts searching the house high and low looking for my perfume. I mean, I almost felt sorry for him because he and I both knew that this was it. He had his TRUE second chance and he blew it to high hell. He starts telling me how sorry he is. How he doesn’t know how to keep a family together. How sometimes he wants to just drive in to a wall and kill himself because it is all too much for him. And I quietly tell him that I was sorry too, but this is my thirty day notice and I leave the house with him having his head in his hands.

I leave and go get a restraining order. The detective told me to go to the hospital, I could barely turn my head and my neck was red and he told me that any evidence of strangulation would get him an attempted murder charge. Holy mackerel!! Attempted murder? So I go to the hospital and I sit and wait. It is late at this point and the wait is rather long. MiniMe is cranky and I am pondering my next move. What I am going to say next may shock or offend you, but as I was sitting there thinking, I remember thinking that I didn’t want him to go to jail. Him going to jail would serve me no purpose, NONE, well maybe safety, but I was more concerned at that moment about being able to feed and house MiniMe and him going to jail would mean no child support. Yeah it sounds stupid now, but I was in a panic and could honestly say there wasn’t a rational bone in my body at that moment, I just wanted out as quickly and as painlessly as possible. To finally make a long story short, I got my restraining order and he was later charges, arrested and convicted of simple battery, sentenced to 2 years probation, fines and anger management.

Before I got to leave Georgia, I was served on my last day of work and had to go back down there 2 weeks after I arrived. He wanted for me to pay for his travels back and forth to Ga. Well, his lawyer and I hammered out an agreement saying that I would pay half of MiniMe’s traveling expenses if he chose a common mode transportation, meaning plane, bus or train, and the judge agreed to it with the stipulation that if he flies, he is to purchase a ticket 30 days in advance and I was to reimburse him upon being given a receipt and if I didn’t he would have to take it out of child support. Well I got the papers in the mail, read them over and didn’t thing anything else of it. You ever read something and you think it says what it is you heard? Does that make sense?

When I went to court this past summer, I had to go back because I didn’t reimburse him. Hell he wasn’t paying child support during the time so I figured he could just deduct it from his child support that he wasn’t paying right? How wrong I was. Apparently what his lawyer typed up and what I agreed to was two different things. Apparently I have to pay for half of anyway he travels, no matter if he chooses the most expensive way to travel and he doesn’t have to purchase his tickets in advance. The judge claimed he didn’t remember the advance purchase stipulation and in so many words called me illiterate. OK And I am like he wasn’t paying child support, how was I suppose to pay him? He said that that was my problem, that if he wasn’t paying then I needed to come back down to Georgia and file him in contempt and I am thinking to myself if I don’t have money to reimburse him how in the world am I suppose to come up with money to file for a contempt of court charge? Not to mention the cost of the trip to Georgia. So he drives his big gas guzzling EXPEDITION here and expects me to pay him $300 per round trip. OK I get that.

I left with the state with his child, no matter the circumstances and I must pay for that.

I laid down and got pregnant with a man in a state where I had no one to count on and I must pay for that too. I get that, really I do.

It was after I left this time, that he threw my stuff out. All of it, clothes, music, my beloved African Art collection, all my pictures (that’s what I miss the most), everything that was me before him is gone. But I understand I should have planned better and not be so rash so it is my fault my stuff is gone. All mine, I blame no one but myself.
I am realizing that I should not have expected anything from him, not even being civil, because in his eyes, I did him dirty wrong.
I must also say that I am ever grateful to every body who helped me out while I was really going through it. The probation officer who tried, the judge (sometimes), my godparents, my friends, my mother, the deputy officer who let me use his phone, my lawyer, my cousin, I know this could have turned out much worse, I could have spent 3 years in jail if my probation officer wasn't the understanding type. So many people that I have profusely thanked personally and thanked God for.

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