Thursday, December 20, 2012

I Remember When...

Originally posted on December 3, 2010

I found out Mister was HIV+... It came in the mail.. his lab results from the insurance company that was going to insure our 4500 square feet, 5 bedroom, 3 bathroom house.. dunno why I need to share how big the house was... Im feeling a little cramped at the moment in our 3 room apartment.

Anyhooo... The letter was to inform him that he was not eligible to be insured and they sent his lab results. The lab results showed a bunch of numbers and at the bottom it said "HIV+ according to CDC standards." I remember seeing them on a Saturday and it was a holiday weekend and I was praying the docs office was going to be open on that holiday Monday... that weekend was sheer torture because I feared the very worse about myself and my daughter.. MiniMe at the time was about 10 months old. Didnt know at that moment how long he had it or if I had gotten it and passed it to MiniMe during my pregnancy...

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Lisa's Story: Part 1

I look at this picture now.. and just wow.. those who have no ability to discern will not see it, but a few discerning spirits have told be they see nothing but darkness in me in this picture. I would have to agree with them. I am posting this blog for a final time on what I hope is to be my final blog page. I am gathering many blogs into one location because God has commanded me to write a book about what happened to me and I must be obedient. However first, I need to gather everything into ONE location! 

This is something that I originally wrote in a blog 4-5 years ago... many of you may remember it.. for many of you this will be your first time reading it... I can finally read this in appreciation.. without crying or being upset, just in appreciation AND awe of the awesome presence and favor of God in my life.. I am SOOO not the person who wrote this anymore... sooo not the person who is filled with such despair.. I post this because this is something that many people may be going thru right now.. in all aspects and it is a teaching tool to recognize that whoever it is that is going thru it can also come out with their head up...

There may be cursing in this blog here in there... my foul mouth had yet been delivered... also.. Mister was previously known as The FOOL.>>

This is a story that was part of a 3 blog trilogy that I had posted on my old page that got deleted. I remember the day I typed part 3 to the trilogy, I went to post and it did the infamous yahoo thing and disappeared. *POOF* it was gone, so I went and rewrote it and saved it on word and decided to repost it today and tell the rest of the story. Someone very close to me said that I come off as moaning and groaning and that I appear that way because they don’t understand like she does because she knows more of the story, or so I thought. Well I am going to finish it now, and it is very long, 11 pages on word.

Let me preface this with saying that by the point that this story picks up... I had found out Mister was HIV+, found out he may have been on the down low..Found out that I WAS NOT HIV+.had several domestic violence incidents with Mister and one with Ma Barker (his mother) and by this point had left 3 times already...

So during this two month waiting period...

Gotta pause this for a second... the time frame in this two month waiting period is the time between when I found his lab results from applying for home owners insurance to the time he went to the doctor and found out himself... He initially denied being HIV+ despite the fact I had his paperwork in my hand...

... we tip toed around each other. He brought out his charm, the same charm he used to snag me with in the first place, but he never said one word about IT. And no, he didn’t lay a finger on me, sexually or otherwise. It was a strange existence and with passing day I grew internally angrier and angrier. I knew that it was time for me to make my move.

After the results he was distraught. I can only imagine the inner turmoil he was going through. This abruptly halted any plans of ours to have another child and then it was the matter of life insurance. Me being me, I started searching for ways that HIV positive men could have children without infecting the mother. I searched for companies that would actually give him insurance. There are 5 insurance companies in the U.S. that will insure him and there were ways to have a kid without actually getting infected. So then he started to resent me. His resentment grew with each passing day to the point that it became intolerable.

I asked him how he got it and he couldn’t come up with any answers. I asked him point blank if her ever slept with a man,

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Oh, So it's YOUR Birthday Now, Mommy??

For God so loved the World that He gave His only begotten son that whosoever believeth in him should 
not perish, but have everlasting life. John 3:16

I remember one time... I was preparing for MiniMe's 7th birthday party I believe it was. *I* was busy making sure her Princess and the Frog birthday Party was going to be PERFECT. *I* was running around getting hard to find decorations of t
he first black Disney princess, getting equally as hard to find Princess Tiana purses as treat bags, goodies to put in these purses, making sure everything matched, that there would be enough treat bags...etc.... *I* was nervous about how many or if anyone would show up, *I* didn't want to her to be disappointed about anything on HER special day. So then it came down to picking out the cake. *I* couldn't decided on which Princess cake to get so I tell my friend on the way to the store that day.. how *I* couldn't make up my mind about the 
cake and then MiniMe chimed in from the back seat..

"That's ok Mommy, I will pick out the cake"

And in the most typical of a fussy mother's fashion I said.. What do you mean you are PICKING OUT THE CAKE??? You aren't picking out anything!! You have some money in your pockets? You have a way to pay for the cake??? *I* am the one paying for this shindig of yours and *I* will be the one to pick out the cake!! 

to which she replied in typical MiniMe fashion... 

"Oh, so its YOUR birthday now Mommy?"


                                                                                                                                                                                            I was reminded of this story when I saw this verse. I honestly have NO IDEA about what Im going to "do about 
Christmas" this year. I mean seriously? NO CLUE!!! Currently, I have "bigger" fish to fry as to what to do with any money I have or may get and I have been trying not to worry about it... You see how many times I said *I* in my  story above?? As parents, in our own self-centeredness, we tend to forget about the "bigger picture" in trying to make sure we are finding our kids the perfect gifts for Christmas. Running around trying to find their little Christmas requests.. Standing in long lines.. dealing with crowds.. doing the Black Friday thing.. not wanting them or anyone else to be disappointed on Christmas morning with our gifts.. 

"Oh, so its YOUR birthday now Mommy?"

My daughter told me, in that very moment, this is not YOUR day Mommy, but MINE!!

Ive got news for you, its not your birthday you are celebrating either, but Christ's!!  

For God so loved the World that He gave His only begotten son that whosoever believeth in him should 
not perish, but have everlasting life.

For God so loved the World.. all of us.. the good and the bad.. the believers and non-believers.. (thank you homiletics for that one LOL).

Oh, So it's YOUR birthday now, Mommy?

HE GAVE US His only begotten son, we didn't give Him anything but our sins.. we didn't deserve it, but He did it for us anyway!! 

Oh, So it's YOUR birthday now, Mommy?

I am not going to perish for not having gifts under the tree, however ,I will perish for not believing in him, for not teaching MiniMe about God's love for us and about what Christ did for us and for not teaching her how important it is to believe in Christ in her heart, to have his love for everyone in her heart. Yes, I will be accountable for my teaching her about Christ and giving her an example of being Christlike. That is the best and only perfect gift I can ever give her!

Oh, So it's YOUR birthday now, Mommy?

Ever lasting life will not come by buying the perfect Christmas presents or filling the Christmas tree up to capacity with presents. Everlasting life will come through my belief in Christ. My walk with Christ. The love of Christ in my heart will show in me through me to my daughter. Everlasting life will come through teaching my daughter about Christ and about being Christlike and what that really means. Everlasting life will come through my faith that is THROUGH my belief in Christ, God will supply my needs and maybe.. just maybe.. if Im lucky.. some of my wants.. 

Oh, So it's YOUR birthday now, Mommy?

Christmas is not about me nor what I can put under the tree. Its not about some toys that will be forgotten about or broken within a few days. It is not about how much money I have to spend nor is it about getting someone the "perfect gift". It is about God's love for us and the perfect gift He gave us because of His love for us. His Son. Salvation. Love. Everlasting life. There is only ONE perfect gift.

And guess what?? Princess Tiana ended up laying on her side in the frosting of the cake. MiniMe didn't even notice.