Loneliness is contagious right????

Translucence Eddie had  blog up about how people dont want to deal with you, because the dispare and loneliness that a person shows may be feared to be contagious.

Great Scots, that struck a nerve with me...

I am soo ever fearful, that this loneliness, dis-associative, asocial personality that seems to run through my familyb will afflict my daughter....

I try my best to make sure that Taylor is exposed to other people so she dont get whatever it is that i missed growing up...

I spent most of my childhood, virtually locked up in my bedroom.... Not literally, but we lived in  a 3 room apartment and i had the bedroom, my mother had the living room, and she had up a curtain dividing the area that goes from my bedroom leading to the living room. since i had to go through the living room to get to the kitchen, i was made to knock on the the wall, and wait for my mother to tell me I can come through...

My point in all of this, somewhere in this very isolated environment, i didnt learn how to be around people. how to act. how to show i am appreciative. I grew up in survival mode and it seems like, i can't seem to get out of survival mode.  and when you are constantly in survival mode....


i dont know how to describe it....

i went to my godparents for the weekend...

and damn, if i didnt get my ass chewed, because i didnt 'bring' anything  a dish or whatever or do anything to help.

Hmmmm, lets evaluate this. I asked, twice, if they needed me to bring anything both time they said no.


No means no right???

these are old time southern folks who one can never achieve that ever elusive ability to be clean enough to cook for them....

so, i do what i always do for the holidays and clean up, make all the take home plates and put all the food away. but because they decided to use paper plates this year, that didn't mean shit.

i stayed at my godparents house (the baby was at the godsisters) and again, offered to help to with something to which i was told there was nothing to do, cuz i have been down this i should do something anywaysss... so i mopped the kitchen floor and cleaned the bathroom, my godparents are in their 80s and my other godsister wont do it.

but, they jumped down my throat cuz i left the ice cream lid somewhere it wasnt suppose to be and now  i dont ever pick up behind myself.

now, i am a user. i dont listen. i will step on who i need to step on and hurt who needs to be hurt to get what i need to get done.  i should have done things like they said i should. what was my hurry with completing school? i need to find somebody else to pay to watch the baby on the evening and weekends. even if it means leaving her at a strangers house.

i am sorry, this goes back to dont recommend me to do soemthing that isn't good enough for you to do. if you would not have dared to take your grands to a strangers house to be watched, dont be mad at me because i am trying to avoid that at all costs.

I am sorry, i need friends, family, siblings, cousins SOMEBODY!!!!

I am tired of being by myself. doing it all by myself. trying to figure it out by myself. i am tired of being in survival mode.

are my people skills that fucked up???

doesnt no mean no????

why say no if that is not what you mean????

I am thinking about Mister right now. I am revisiting that possibility.

I am tired of crying. my eyes hurt. my head hurts. my voice wont come back. my baby keeps asking me what is wrong. i dont have an answer besides it is not her fault.

but i dont what her to miss whatever it is that i missed in terms of relationships with people.

i dont want to miss whatever it is i missed and not have friends, or a husband.

I don't want her to catch whatever I caught that makes me an unintended loner.

thats what i know.