Monday, December 1, 2008

Loneliness is contagious right????

Translucence Eddie had  blog up about how people dont want to deal with you, because the dispare and loneliness that a person shows may be feared to be contagious.

Great Scots, that struck a nerve with me...

I am soo ever fearful, that this loneliness, dis-associative, asocial personality that seems to run through my familyb will afflict my daughter....

I try my best to make sure that Taylor is exposed to other people so she dont get whatever it is that i missed growing up...

I spent most of my childhood, virtually locked up in my bedroom.... Not literally, but we lived in  a 3 room apartment and i had the bedroom, my mother had the living room, and she had up a curtain dividing the area that goes from my bedroom leading to the living room. since i had to go through the living room to get to the kitchen, i was made to knock on the the wall, and wait for my mother to tell me I can come through...

My point in all of this, somewhere in this very isolated environment, i didnt learn how to be around people. how to act. how to show i am appreciative. I grew up in survival mode and it seems like, i can't seem to get out of survival mode.  and when you are constantly in survival mode....


i dont know how to describe it....

i went to my godparents for the weekend...

and damn, if i didnt get my ass chewed, because i didnt 'bring' anything  a dish or whatever or do anything to help.

Hmmmm, lets evaluate this. I asked, twice, if they needed me to bring anything both time they said no.


No means no right???

these are old time southern folks who one can never achieve that ever elusive ability to be clean enough to cook for them....

so, i do what i always do for the holidays and clean up, make all the take home plates and put all the food away. but because they decided to use paper plates this year, that didn't mean shit.

i stayed at my godparents house (the baby was at the godsisters) and again, offered to help to with something to which i was told there was nothing to do, cuz i have been down this i should do something anywaysss... so i mopped the kitchen floor and cleaned the bathroom, my godparents are in their 80s and my other godsister wont do it.

but, they jumped down my throat cuz i left the ice cream lid somewhere it wasnt suppose to be and now  i dont ever pick up behind myself.

now, i am a user. i dont listen. i will step on who i need to step on and hurt who needs to be hurt to get what i need to get done.  i should have done things like they said i should. what was my hurry with completing school? i need to find somebody else to pay to watch the baby on the evening and weekends. even if it means leaving her at a strangers house.

i am sorry, this goes back to dont recommend me to do soemthing that isn't good enough for you to do. if you would not have dared to take your grands to a strangers house to be watched, dont be mad at me because i am trying to avoid that at all costs.

I am sorry, i need friends, family, siblings, cousins SOMEBODY!!!!

I am tired of being by myself. doing it all by myself. trying to figure it out by myself. i am tired of being in survival mode.

are my people skills that fucked up???

doesnt no mean no????

why say no if that is not what you mean????

I am thinking about Mister right now. I am revisiting that possibility.

I am tired of crying. my eyes hurt. my head hurts. my voice wont come back. my baby keeps asking me what is wrong. i dont have an answer besides it is not her fault.

but i dont what her to miss whatever it is that i missed in terms of relationships with people.

i dont want to miss whatever it is i missed and not have friends, or a husband.

I don't want her to catch whatever I caught that makes me an unintended loner.

thats what i know.

44 comments:

  1. There's nothing wrong with you Lisa. And Taylor will be ok cuz she has you.

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  2. IT TO SHALL PASS......I HAVE SOMEONE IN MY LIFE THAT NO MATTER HOW U DO IT...IT'S NEVER GOOD ENOUGH FOR HER.....AND SHE ALWAYS WANTS THINGS DONE IN HER TIME.....WTF?.....SO JUST CONTINUE DOIN SHYT THE WAY U FEEL IS RIGHT.....JUST REMEMBER SOME FOLKS JUST CANT BE PLEASED...NO MATTER HOW HARD U TRY.....

    AND TAYLOR IS GONNA B JUST FINE.....

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  3. Sweetie: You will do fine because you're aware of the issue. I agree with a previous poster in that it isn't YOU with the problem. We can't live up to other ppl's expectations it will only kill us inside.

    I do believe in a good support group and I'm fortunate in that I have that, but that took work and effort. I don't know if you're active in a church or community program, but that's a good place to start. Me, I'm lucky in that most of my support group comes from the meetings of Na/ AA.

    Much Love,

    Eddie

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  4. Let me just add that, no, loneliness isn't contagious, some people just act as it is, and sweetie? WE'RE ALL lonely at some point or another.

    :;smooches::

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  5. my family sucks ass
    totally sucks ass
    and one of my greatest achievments as an adult was to decide, pretty much at 18 that I would NEVER be like my mother
    and i cried to my shrink- "but how do I KNOW I wont be like her"
    she said
    "because you dont want to be"
    and i broke the cycle
    you cant control other people, but you can choose to be around healthy supportive people
    my friends are all awesome, though i have only ONE local friend

    as far as your family, fuck em. no, really. fuck em. love em, but they will never approve. so give up trying and be FREEEEEEEEEE. then find people who will love you as is.

    and if u have to pay for a babysitter, pay
    LOL
    but regardless, fuck what they think because they are FUCKED UP PEOPLE. would you listen to the insane homeless guy on the street? naw, cuz he's nuts. would you take advice from the prisoners who clean the street? NAW, cuz they are bonkers
    so 1. you cant get your family to approve. it ait who they are. 2. why would you want to do what the disfunctional think is right?

    *hug* just sharing based on MY insane family who bitched all weekend. my 13 year old got dogged for HELPING OUT.*sigh*

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  6. from my 360 posting-

    Maybe we can talk a little off 360. I don't really know all the details and don't want to say the wrong thing because of that. I do know this though...

    "I am sorry, i need friends, family, siblings, cousins SOMEBODY!!!!"

    No, you don't need anyone else to run your life. You WANT other connections, but maybe not NEED them. It's okay to want those connections, but know that your life will go on without guidance, attention, or affection from anyone else. It's not the best way to go through life, but you can do it.

    Rely on YOU for all the things you need so that you can better appreciate others for the extras that you want. Let Taylor see that.

    I would love to see you give yourself more credit for being the intelligent, strong, caring, thoughtful, and beautiful woman that you are. You ARE all those things. For some reason I see you focus more on your mistakes. Stop that. We all make mistakes. One mistake don't stop no show girl.

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  7. i would if i had it. i am trapped in a vicious circle. miss work for no babysitter, no money for a future babysitter. lolol

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  8. thank you for that. really, thank you.

    i know i am bad about that. really, i am. although i am grateful for my mistakes for it shows me which way not to go, i really do beat myself up for them.

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  9. a lonely lifestyle can be learned... be careful and open up.. pain is pleasure baby girl...

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  10. If I beat me up for every mistake I made, I would have stopped opening the drapes 10-15 years ago. Seriously.

    You're an intelligent woman, grab a psych book sometimes and read up on folks who don't have 1/2 the strength you do. Or just watch the news girl.

    Ain't nothing wrong with you that ain't more wrong with millions more folk. Fix what you can, but the rest, shoot chile, stop thinking about the rest. lol

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  11. THANKS FOR TELLING HER THAT......

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  12. You need to listen to E. She is truly wise.

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  13. same
    trust me
    but i do pay for daycare, but for YEARS i was trapped at home. YEARS, beacuse my eldest is autistic

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  14. I PAY for daycare too, and i dont have money for the nights and weekends portion of my job. thats the killer.

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  15. yup. same. i can barely afford daycare. cant afford extra for sick kids or anything like that.

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  16. shit, aint nobody perfect. and who says that the path you thought you should take was the right one, maybe what you thought was a wrong turn was the RIGHT one but just to a new desination!

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  17. your godparents are insane though...

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  18. they are old. there isnt much you can do with old folks but stay respectful and tap dance around them. they aint gonna change.

    this is why i blog.

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  19. I'm a loner too, so i can understand trying to figure out how to raise kids that aren't.

    your thanksgiving sounds a little frustrating like mine.

    does no mean no? no can mean that is a stupid question you should know the answer to.

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  20. I'mma need you to get a grip - i'll talk with ya lata!

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  21. I heard once that forgiveness is no longer wishing that the past had been different.

    Forgive Sis...yourself, your mom, your godparents, Mister. It was what it was, now make the rest of your life something else.

    Do you know how many people don't have college degrees, let alone Masters? Smile when you think about that accomplishment.

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  22. yanno, that is funny...

    i really try to forgive, really i do.

    and when i think i am over it, KABLAM ,they bring that shit right back to me and I am like damn, here i am again!! LMAO

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  23. Hello my name is TNP and I'm CEO and President of the I have no issues with being ALONE club. LOL

    Now granted I'm single, but I'm far from LONELY. I don't have children, but what my Mom did with us was she would say "get out!!!" LOL She had us go outside, and I made friends. I'm the biggest introvert, not that you would know it, but I'm shy and an introvert. Now my sister? She is Ms Social butterfly. She will walk up to folks say Hi, and instantly has a new friend. LOL

    My niece seems to be a lot like her Mom. She has her friends and her activities, but she also enjoys being by herself.

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  24. yes. it is what it is, it was what it was. they are who they are.
    accept i, even if you hate it.
    and uh," god grand me the serenity....."
    :D
    lawd knows i have to remind myself hourly, sometimes

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  25. sometimes in forgiving others who constantly take you there to the same place like a summer vacation home, you know you going there, you sometimes have to either
    1) REMOVE yourself from that situation or
    2) CHANGE how you allow it to affect you.

    Granted, BOTH of those are easier said than done...but ultimately the only thing that may give you sanity in the midst of INsanity.

    and I got plenty mo hugs for you, babygirl

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  26. definitely doing number 1, number 2 gonna take me a minute. been working on that one for a minute.

    *sneaks another hug*

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  27. I totally agree with JT.

    Anyone who is what I like to say a disruption to my spirit will find themselves out of my life QUICK!! I don't look back either. I don't feel sadness or anything. It's relief they are no longer in my life.

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  28. least your mama didnt set u up with a 68 year old
    least u didnt call him

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  29. noooo, but your mama didnt tell you she couldnt watch the kids cuz she had to go feed the hungry!!!! shit, i keep missing work, i am gonna be hungry! lmaooo

    but damn, you didnt call him did you??? lmaoo

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  30. I am a bit of an introvert too. I have forced myself over the past few years to be more outgoing and less apprehensive of people I don't know well. I don't have to know them well to appreciate them.

    But I have learned a lot about ME in my alone time. I am truly the person that I want to be, influenced by few others. I don't feel like I have to be more like anyone else, and it doesn't bother me that someone isn't like me.

    I know what I like, and I know what I want. That is what alone time can give you, if you don't make it something ugly.

    Lisa, use that alone time to be a better you so when the time is right you present the best you to people who are important (everybody isn't important though, lol).

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  31. I can't reply the way I want via phone...but I will say that from what I know...you are agreat mother, and a good woman. Don't let otherfolks issuescontaminate ur spirit. You know that its not you...just remind urselfthat mini queen already has it 1000xbetter than you...you can be alone without being lonely...but uits something you have to kinda learn. Just maintain ur focus and don't lose ur faith *huggin u with teary eyes*

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  32. Looks like you have gotten some really good advice already. Been where you are and got over it. If it helps you to blog about it, then cool. I found it to be cheap therapy and it helped me to see ME in what I was dealing with and how to get past it all. Sometimes we put the world on our shoulders when that job wasn't even assigned to us. I hope you take some of the advice already given and that you find the closure you need in this situation.

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  33. when my 13 year old was 2 she fell and hit her teeth on concrete stairs
    i had no car
    i called my mother to take me to the ER
    mom came, saw kid, left to go to her dentist apt saying "call a cab or 911"

    2 years ago, bladder infction. called mom to watch kids- NO. i'm pissing blood. so i call bf to take me to ER
    mom calls later to see if i was gonna make the 6 hour trip to see my son

    so u know

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  34. he isnt looking for a woman
    widowed, no kids, only child
    just needs a friend

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  35. Girl family will do this to you. Before you know it you'll be doubting everything about yourself foolin with family. It sounds like you just had a GOOD dose of family this holiday. Get around your positive friends and call the family to say you love them every so often.

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  36. "Lord...Forgive Them...Even If They Don't Ask You To...Forgive Them"...I say that all the time it seems. Family...one of the few things that we can't choose for ourselves...if we could...both our last names would probably be Gates. My Thanksgiving ended with me having a high fever...and when I woke up this morning...fever gone...I said to myself..."Maybe the blue lights were just a dream". They weren't.

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  37. ^5 ERB I've learned a lot about myself as well. Honestly I say it's a time to truly learn who you are, and to take stock. During the times I've been on my own, I did a lot of self reflection, reading of some good books (self-help) and to be honest I feel because of the way I am it's one of the reasons I don't settle, and just let anyone share my time, space, and body!! Call it picky, but dang it I won't settle and end up all miserable like some of the other ladies I know.

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