Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Normalcy? Is There REALLY Such a Thing??

Sometimes I crave normalcy. No scratch that. I desire, wish and want with everything that is Holy in me and on the earth, I want normalcy!!!

I wish my life went that "normal" route. Yanno the one. Where you grew up normal, had a big circle of friends. You went away to college. Finished. Started your career. Went to grad school while working. Finished. You meet The One. The One proposes to you in the most magnificent of ways. You accept the proposal. Have the ability to plan the most fantastic wedding.  Get married. THEN. Start having kids. Your life is filled with fun, laughter and an awesome circle of friends and family. Everyone just LOVES you to pieces. People seem to go out of their way to WOW you. Your life is filled with love and happiness and joy. Surprise parties are frequently given in your honor. You are never left out. Most certainly are never on the  outside looking in. A problem arises and people go out of their way to help you. Life may get difficult at times, but you get through it because of your wide support system. They always have that unblinding faith in God being in their lives cuz almost EVERYTHING works out for them in their favor, for they have never experienced real problems, as in the kind, people tend to shy away from cuz they really don't know how to deal with your brand of issues. Yanno, their life is... for lack of a better word, CHARMED.

I do not begrudge anyone their CHARMED life, but I often wonder why my life had to start the way it did. Continue the way it has. What purpose does it really serve?

This may seem like a fallacy of some sort. However, I do know actual people whose lives are exactly like the one I described. In fact, I know of a GREAT many people like that. And sometimes, it leaves me so very sad about my own life. Especially if I think about it too hard.

And NO, Im not depressed!!! Im not having a pity party. I just want to know WHY? And what was or IS the PURPOSE???

Sooo, let me give you my list of WISHES.

I wish I did not know first hand what it feels like to feel unwanted, unloved, bothersome, worthless and isolated. These are the first feelings Ive ever remember feeling as a child.

Sometimes, if I am really in that special place, I wish she would have just given me up for adoption once she really realized she couldn't handle being a mother. I know my life would have definitely been different, especially if I had gone to the family who was willing to take me in.

I wish I was allowed to have a social life growing up. To actually know what my home phone number was. To not have a lock on the rotary phone. Or the mouthpiece removed from the handset. I was never really allowed to hangout with kids my age. And after awhile, I was known as the kid with problems. And you know how kids act around kids with problems? If not teasing, taunting and bullied, then always left out. Who really wants to be bothered with that kid with all the problems??

I wish that by time I had gotten to college, I had learned how to be social. That I was that person everyone wanted to be around. Instead, whatever I had on me earlier that said "problem" was still there and I really didn't fair too much better socially in college. No lifetime friends made there either.

I wish I had a normal family. In which socializing, visiting each other, shopping, going out to dinner etc... was a normal part of family life. Where talking and laughing was easy going, instead of forced politeness because of that elephant that is always in the room that everyone ignores and no one talks about. Instead of, when going to visit and you are left by yourself in one room, while they are upstairs in their room watching some show they have probably seen hundreds of times. And God forbid, you dare bring up that elephant in the room.. then you find yourself ostracized.

I wish I had been diagnosed EARLIER with 2 sleep disorders that didn't have a name for years. It would have saved me so much grief from feeling lazy, depressed, unmotivated, and a loser and like I will never amount to much in life because I couldn't push myself enough. Well, upon finding out I just wasn't able to simply push myself, but trying not to accept a form of preconceived defeat that it is here, this is what this really is, and there really is not much to be done about it.

I wish people didn't give me funny and/or disbelieving looks when I tell them of this disorder.  I keep telling myself, well maybe its cuz they don't understand it. For we are quick to dismiss what we don't understand because a person doesn't LOOK like they have a problem.

I really wish people would quit telling me that I am depressed as to why Im sleeping so much!!

I wish people would understand that I do not wish nor want this upon myself. If it seems as if I keep talking about it, it is because that it has only had a name for about 6 months. Im still learning how to deal with it.. how to try and avoid it... how to not succumb to it...

I wish people could understand that this simply is not a mind over matter thing. I cannot simply put my mind over this matter at hand IF my brain decides to shut off and go to sleep.

I wish people wouldn't say.. that they are tired too.. for they really wouldn't know tired... imagine being awake for 48 hours, taking some Benadryl or Nyquil, and then forcing oneself to stay awake for 24 more hours... if you can actually grasp that concept.. then you can  actually begin to TRY to understand and gain a true understanding as to the sheer exhaustion I feel on a daily basis.

I wish I didn't feel uncomfortable in the ONE place I never thought I would feel uncomfortable.

I wish that it isn't JUST ME dealing with everything BY MYSELF, all the time, no help, no support. No nothing. The guilt behind leaving my daughter to fend for herself when my body involuntarily shuts down to sleep really is unimaginable.

I wish people wouldn't offer to be an ear if I need someone to talk to. Only for me to see the sheer dread on their face when I approach them. Cuz they are never quite sure exactly what the problem is going to be. This. Time.

I wish I didn't have that ability to read or sense the dread in people. But after a lifetime of always being in need, or always needing some help, or help in figuring something out, you are able to see it, sense it, & feel it.. in the inner core of your soul. And believe me when I say, it is a HORRIBLE feeling. I always end up giving them an out, so they don't feel bad for dreading me approaching them nor having to come up with an excuse as to why they cant give me that ear they offered.

I wish people wouldn't ask me how I am doing, when REALLY? They know they really don't want to know. And I know, they really don't want to know. Whenever someone asks me how Im doing, I cringe and manage or try very hard..  to avoid the question.

I wish my smile could easily return to my face. But my forced smile is one which hides many unshed tears.

I wish I knew what is really going on in my unseen world. For there is always something going on to unearth my foundation. I mean, I know and fully understand EVERYBODY goes through stuff... but the stuff I go through is stuff that turns my world completely and utterly UPSIDE DOWN. And it never seems to STOP!

And then, I learned about generational curses. And I REALLY wished I never learned about that. You ever known a family where bad things continually happen to them and they can NEVER seem to make it, despite how HARD they try? Everything they try ends up failing. And now, I FULLY am starting to understand how my life is the way it is. It is by some kind of design that Im paying for, for whatever my ancestors did.

I wish I could ask for help. But again, after a lifetime of always having to ask.. always having to be in need of something, I simply cannot stand or bare.. to ask.. for ONE MO THANG!  I will accept if offered, not that I am waiting for people to offer, because when they do offer, I feel extremely uncomfortable.. as if.. why haven't I managed to get myself together YET?  I now find myself, ducking, dodging and hiding.. trying to avoid people offering. hoping they don't seek me out.. because when they offer, it brings painful tears to my eyes.

I wish ONE thing in my lfe could be handed to be. Instead of fighting to the death, uphill, with one shoe on in 3 feet of snow... fighting with everything that is within me... for ONE small THING
I wish my daughter wouldn't say things like, it makes me sad you never have anyone to celebrate your birthday with you and your last party was when you were 5. OR it's not fair that Daddy has a wife and you are still by yourself. Well kiddo, I really wish, you didn't have that kind of understanding regarding the person that is your mother.

I wish my daughter never knows what it is like to be excluded. Only to see the fleeting hint of disappointment in her face, once she realized she was in fact, excluded. It pained me to see her shrug it off, as if it was no big deal. It pained me even further to know she was excluded, because her mother is ALWAYS excluded.

I wish I wasn't the one who is always on the outside looking in. Always the last one to join the group. to not know what has happened. I wish it wasn't so hard to penetrate those established circles of friendships in which I always find myself excluded from.. despite my best efforts.

I wish and pray.. this curse that seems to be upon me.. never touches her.

I wish I could join some kind of sisterhood of some sort. When Ive inquired in the past about how to join one I was interested in.. I was greeted with an odd lock.. almost one of disdain. I was ready to chalk it up as to me being paranoid, until she said those fateful words.. ummmm you have to be INVITED in.. oh thats right.. silly me... exclusionary rules are always in play.

I wish my relationship with God did not coincide with the then flourishing relationship with him. For I was able to relate the intangible love of God with the perceived tangible love from him and it literally had me floating on air.. for 2 years..  Or so I thought. When I realized a year ago, I needed to put the brakes on him, I spiritually bottomed out.. and Ive not yet.. bounced completely back. Most people are able to recall that one person that gives them a partial clue as to what God's Agape love feels like, either through a parent, loved one, spouse.. somebody.. I can honestly say.. I really don't know what that feels like. And its especially difficult to realize that this person.. will probably never go above and beyond.. to put that action behind that verb that is love.. and *show me* that I am in fact, the best thing since sliced bread. I am at the point in my life that anything that isn't *showing* me.. is mere lip service. I remember all the times in my life... especially recently..when I put the action behind that particular verb.. and now I feel a fool for it wasn't reciprocated... nor will it ever be.

I wish I never discovered what God's purpose is for my life... for it seems like Ive been going through hell ever since I finally gained the courage to reveal that.. and my life has literally been hell ever since.

I wish and pray and wish a pray some more... that God will send me that husband I so desire that He knows will be suited just for me... I desperately need some HELP... someone who will understand and not judge me. Someone who is willing to accept me for who I am, who willing to remember what it is I forget.. who is willing to wake me up when I sleep past 5 alarm clocks.. someone who really "gets it" without me having to do a bunch of explaining.

And finally, I wish more than anything.. that prayers for myself are answered. I am grateful that ALL of my prayers for my daughter are ALWAYS answered.. but for myself.. not so much. I pray I can one day understand the reasoning as to why.

but as they say.. Wish in one hand... ________ in the other.. and see which ones fills up quicker.

My 39th Birthday is fast approaching. I am not depressed. I am not filled with dread. I am not throwing a pity party. I am not insecure about who I am and whose and Whom I belong to.  I am facing some pretty hard cold facts about myself and my life for I have realized that as each year passes by.. nothing has really gotten any better for myself..  facing the reality that things regarding me has in fact gotten worse as each year passes by.

So now it is time for me to really, truly and completely withdraw, reflect, pray, and seek a divine revelation as to HOW to make my life completely turn around. For Good!

Until then.. ~Be Blessed~