Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Spiritual Warfare: Fighting Old Demons

My birthday has never one that has garnered much celebration... typically, I usually hate to see them roll around, its usually a time for me to reflect that not much has changed since my last birthday...

This time, it hit me harder than I expected.

You see, last week I had to cut off someone who I held dear to me because he was too much in my spirit for him to not be my husband and it became a horrible distraction. The ties I felt to him Ive come to learn is an unGodly soul tie simply because I should not have my spirit affected by a man Im not married to and probably will not be with no time in the immediate future, if ever.

But thats a different blog for a different day if I should ever post that blog.

I thought when I cut the ties, I would finally be free, but the devil surely got busy.

I thought I was delivered from the feeling of loneliness, but it seems that I have not.

Birthdays always show just how alone I am in this world, with the exception of God. And I know in my heart , mind and soul it is He I should rely on for companionship, I would be a fool to say that Im content with that.

Although I had become content spiritually in my singlehood, or so I thought anyways, when I cut off the ONE person who I know doesn't judge me and accepts me for me, and finds my quirkiness endearing, someone whom I have had nearly everyday contact with for the last 4-5 years and now...


Not so much as a birthday wish, text, message, email, phone call.. nothing from him...

and Im soooo very hurt by that.

the fear of being alone for what seems like forever overwhelmed me..

The nightmares came first. Horrific dreams of me eternally alone. Dreams of my funeral and no one is in attendance. As if I never mattered or as if no one ever cared about me.

The devil is a liar.

Then childhood memories came flooding back, and those memories seem to replay themselves in my dreams as well... Two memories stand out the most...

The first being... when I was growing up, I lived in a 3 room apartment. it was long in length and ran in order of bedroom, short hallway, living room then kitchen. My room was the bedroom and my mother's room was the living room. My mother decided she needed to feel as if she was in the house by herself and so she put up a curtain across the short hallway and I was required to knock on the wall if I wanted to go to the kitchen and get something to eat. Never knowing what kind of mood she would be in, or how venomously she would reply to me when I knocked on the hallway, oftentimes I would be paralyzed in fear. Afraid to go into the kitchen for something to eat because I didn't know what her mood was going to be. So usually I would make sure I at before she came home or wait until she went to sleep, or sit in my room hungry hoping she would remember to bring me something to eat. God forbid if she was off the weekend and didn't go anywhere.  Sometimes, I wouldn't see her for weeks. Can you imagine being 10 years old, living in small quarters with your mother and not seeing her for weeks? I hated being alone. absolutely hate it now still to this day.  That feeling that no one cares about you is really something to reckon with. Im learning that people who have a host of siblings, cousins, family, friends and always have had a string of significant others if not married for years simply do not understand this kind of loneliness. They seem to think Im just taking myself through something unneccessarily, that God is my comforter and my friend and so on, and although He is, quite simply Im just tired. Tired of facing everything...


Being the only one to look out for me, care about me, love on me.

In the physical sense of course.

Only a fool can say, that despite how much they allow God is in their life, they don't have that physical desire of not being alone.

The second memory that is replaying is one surrounding my birthday itself. When I was growing up, report card pick up time was usually during my birthday week. Oh the sense of dread my birthday would bring me... For whatever reason, the first marking period of the school year was never my best one and that would be when I would get my worse grades. Although I would end the year with all As and Bs, the first quarter grades would almost always see a C or D.  Usually ending with me seeing my mother throw my left over birthday cake away and destroying whatever presents she may have bought me.

Psychological damage can last a lifetime. To all parents, please be careful of the seeds you are planting in your children.  Bruises heal and pain from beatings can be forgotten, but that psychological abuse is what is most damaging.

Make sure your child isn't living with the devil.

I could probably go on endlessly with the horror stories of childhood... but i will stop here cuz you get the point Im sure.

Im in a dark place right now. Fighting and praying my way back to light. Back to my joy. Im tired of waking up with my eyes nearly swollen shut. When the nightmares run rampant, I have a tendency to cry in my sleep.

My poor baby said to me on my birthday that it is sad that I have no one to celebrate my birthday with, that I only got one card for my birthday and that Ive only had one birthday party, and thats when I was 5. She says my birthdays are always sad, and she hopes that one day, they won't be sad anymore.

I can say... I with her on that one.

They say its all in what you make it. But my personal circumstances have not changed much since my last birthday, or the one before that, and the one before that and the one before that...  and I can't really afford to do much.

Im realizing that I need to see a Christian counselor of some sort. Someone who can help me weed through all of these memories that are flooding back and to finally lay my childhood to rest. I wonder so much whyyyy I had to endure what I endured growing up. I need someone to help me to understand why I am always just by myself, despite my best efforts, Im still the unintended loner. People are in my circle, but Im not in theirs and find myself always excluded. I wonder what is it about my personality, even when Im at my happiest that make people take pause. What kind of energy am I giving off? Ive grown sooo much spiritually in the last couple of years and yet here I still am...


In the physical sense of course.

My faith in God hasn't wavered and Im trying my best not to be doubtful, but I wish I could get an answer on how to deal with this constant being by myself. Help on getting over that Ive been mainly the only one, in the physical sense, looking out for ME since I was at least 10.  No one to share my burdens with and afraid to ask for anything for fear of being a burden. No one who has my back 100% and without recourse. Im wondering if there really is such a thing or if I am being too idealistic. I need real answers  on how to deal with this and not the cliches of on God's time, and when it comes it going to be wonderful and above your wildest dreams and expectations. but REAL ANSWERS.

This is that one thing, that ONE THING, that Ive consistently prayed to God about since I was a little girl and have yet been given. Companionship.  I really am trying my best to not mind waiting on God.

Prayerfully, now that Ive put pen to paper, I can get some peaceful sleep.

Monday, June 13, 2011

The Moment: Do You Remember the *Moment* You Realized Your Skin Color Mattered?

I was watching a video of Joel Freeman doing a synopsis of his book Return to Glory and he spoke of that MOMENT in your life in which you realized that you would be treated differently based on the color of your skin.

Sooo, I sat there and kinda had to think about it. I am of the white man can't keep me down and black folks should be more accountable mentality.. so it took me a moment to conjure up a memory...

For the most part, my childhood was racism free.. If there was racism, I certainly didn't experience it. I was fortunate enough to experience many integrated settings as I took private flute lessons at Sherwood Conservatory where I was exposed to all races and cultures as well as performed with Chicago's All City Band.  I had friends of all cultures and never thought twice about race being an issue.

Then in 1991, I went away to college at the University of Minnesota @ Morris. A small campus of 2,000 students (80 of whom were black) in west central Minnesota.. not too far from the Dakota's borders. Being a music major, I was required to sign up for a meeting with the band director. the sign up sheet was on his door. When my appointed time came, I knocked on the door to his studio, (music profs have studios) and the look on his face was classic. I can't say the color drained from his face, for he was a very pale white man, but I do remember he turned beet red, stumbled over his words profusely and kept asking me my name repeatedly to which in my 17 year old Chicago black girl attitude replied ROBERTA MATTHEWS AND I AM A MUSIC MAJOR!! Im not sure which floored him the most, me having the nerve to  be standing at his door or the fact that I was a music major, or perhaps it was a combination of both.

It came time for seating arrangements so all 20 of us had to perform a piece and we were seated by level of performance. Now when I was in All City Band, I was 2nd chair 1st row. I didn't figure to be in the first 5 chairs, but I definitely figured to be in the first row. Imagine my surprise when I was seated in the 2nd row, 8th chair. which is 3rd from the bottom. So I said, Ok, maybe since Im a freshman, maybe Im still too new to be up front. A couple of weeks go by and as I get to know my flute-mates I discover that a few in the front row were freshman, and not only were they freshmen, one asked me how to key an upper register note.

*blank stare*

So, you are in the front row, but you dont know how to key upper register notes? Really?

Did I mention I was the only black music major in the music department? The only black in the College Concert Band? I used to sit there during rehearsal and so many would stare at me so intently because they had never seen a black person before.

Anyflutes... 2nd year of college, I am placed 2nd row, 3rd seat. ok.

At the end of my 2nd year, music major were required to perform a jury, and thats when you go before the music faculty and perform a piece from each musical era... I passed, which I was surprised. So I figured by the 3rd year, I should at least be in the 1st row.

Nope. So this time,  my fellow flute mates (all white) were quite sure race played a part of me being seated so low, so they petitioned whoever they petitioned and got us all a re-audition. Which we did, and I moved up one seat. They were pissed. When I think back on it, those white girls had a lot of balls.. but thats another conversation...

During these years, I am struggling horribly in music theory. I do mean HORRIBLY. Although I had private lessons, I never took any classes in music theory in high school . First year theory was alright, but as the difficulty got greater, my grades got worse! I begged my professors for help cuz I didn't understand why I wasn't getting it. I was determined not to fail, for i NEVER failed at anything academic. Not one professor helped me, and believe me I asked for help.

my music adviser told me to change my major, that I would never be a good musician. WOW Talking about killling someone's dreams. Instead of helping me, he tells me to quit. I could see saying that to me if I was being tutored and still failing, but none of them would help me! This totally altered the course of my life.

needless to say, I ended up flunking out of college. and that is that.This is the momement in my life in which I realize the color of my skin played a part of how I will be treated.

The Moment by Countee Cullen (1903-1946)

Once riding in old Baltimore,
Heart-filled, head-filled with glee
I saw a Baltimorean
kept looking straight at me.

Now I was eight and very small,
and he was no whit bigger
And so I smiled, but he poked out
his tongue and called me "Nigger"
I saw the whole of Baltimore
from May until December:

Of all the things that happened there
Thats all I remember.

Soooo... what was your moment? Either you are black and realized racism or you are white, and realized your whiteness gives you privilege. Oh, the moment goes both ways, in my opinion.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

God Is Trying To Tell You Something, Are You Listening?

Another memory has once again come from nowhere...

I remember the first night when I moved in with Mister. I had a dream that shook me to my core... At this time I was 4 months pregnant and had not yet found out what the sex of my baby was going to be.

In the dream, I had a girl who looked just like me. And we were living in a 3 room apartment, walking to the bus stop and getting on a yellow and white bus. I couldn't see the clothes she had on but she had ponytails with blue and white barrettes. And of course, she was talking up a storm.

At the time I thought I was being fearful of living out my own childhood with my daughter. Repeating the pattern. Something I was/am very afraid of. I know now it was something entirely different.

So fast forward 3 years and MiniMe and are living in a 3 room apartment, and yes she looks just like me, and we walked that same route to the bus stop and we got on that yellow and white bus which is the Pace Suburban bus here in Chicago. Its her 1st day of me taking her to Pre-k3 school at a Catholic school from our new 3 room apartment, she has on a blue plaid jumper and blue and white barrettes. I remember being on the bus that day with the oddest sense of deja-vous...

It took a couple of days to pull the memory of that dream to the forefront of my brain, and once the remembrance of that dream came full circle, I sat there in horror in realization that my worse nightmare has indeed come true... I am having my daughter live out my own childhood, 3 room apt, on the bus and no money...

I now realize, some 4 years after that deja-vu moment the dream meant something entirely different. I realize now that God speaks to me in my dreams (because Im too stubborn to listen while Im awake). Here I thought in my fleshly mind that I had dreams that told the future when in fact my dreams was God warning me about a course of action that I have taken or He is guiding me in a manner about my life in which I need clarity.

At that time, I was greatly concerned about shacking up with Mister... everyone has those certain sins that we simply will not cross the line on, and for me living with a man I wasn't married to was up there with murder, stealing & adultery... something I never thought I would do.

Im not going into all the details with Mister. Those of you who have followed me over the years know the story, but at that very moment in time Mister had yet to fully shed his sheep clothing and expose himself as the wolf he is. However, when reflecting back on that particular dream God was telling me...

"Pack yo stuff up gal and go now while the getting is good for this is where you will end up!!!"

When God speaks to you, there is a certain amount of conviction you feel, you know for certain what you are suppose to do. When I woke up from that dream I looked at Mister with horror, knowing I should pack my stuff back up at that very moment and haul tail outta there! However, I came to what I thought was my senses (my allowing the enemy to deceive me) and figured this was me having a moment about my fear of living my childhood over as an adult.

If only I had listened.... but at the very least I learned some very important and good lessons. So I suppose it wasn't a complete waste.
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Sunday, June 5, 2011

The Art of Story Telling: The $175 Lesson

Disclaimer: Im writing this on my phone, so bear with me thru any typos and weird spacing...

Although, Im not telling a make believe story, Im oftentimes amazed at how vividly I remember some of the darkest days of my life...

This past Friday I was suppose to go on a women's retreat with the women in my church. I couldn't wait to go, a mere hour away, to take me away to serene beautiful location away from the city and madness to a place filled with prayer and deliverance... oh... I was fully ready and expecting being delivered of some stuff as well as maintaining the deliverance I've already received...

Back when I paid my $175 for this trip, for whatever reason I thought MiniMe was getting out of school on this past Friday and the plan was for her father to pick her up from school that day as I made my way out of town. Well those plans fell thru last week when I found out MiniMe doesn't get out of school for another week. For a week, I desperately searched for someone to watch her... everyone had plans or simply said no... finally a break when 2 girls whom she loves said they would do it... but that too fell thru... then my brother in Christ asked his Mom and she said yes... this is almost at the final hour of me leaving... Soooo I tell MiniMe of the new plans and she had a fit...

Right there at the train station...

She didn't want to go with my friend's mom... she really didn't know her that well... and she was like noooooo Mommy... I don't wanna go!! this is my last weekend home before i leave for 3 WHOLE months and I want to spend it with you! So Im like u wasn't concerned with this being your last weekend when u thought u were going with the girls so what gives??? She said at least I know I was going to have fun! But how can u leave me with someone I don't know my last weekend home? And she just cried her lil heart out... and at that moment I felt sooooo selfish and guilty... I was putting my wants before hers just so I can go on this lil trip... I was filled with guilt, feeling self centered and selfish, and most importantly... empathy... and at that time I couldn't place where the feelings of empathy were coming from...

So I called the person I was riding with and told them to go ahead without me... Im not going...

This disappoint I felt was horrific... just soooooo mad at myself... mad for mixing up the dates, mad for wanting to push her off on someone just so I can go... the feeling was indescribable... more like a deep sense of loss... couple with this severe sense of empathy... i just wanted to go away if only for a weekend...that really wasnt alot to ask for yanno??

So I kept looking for the answer to that empathy feeling and that led me to a long forgotten memory...

When I was 9... my aunt committed suicide... my mother shut down for years after that. A few months to a year or so after my aunt's death.... I was home with my mother and she had an incredible sense of calm in her face... she told me very calmly that she was going out for beer and cigarettes and she will be right back. Nothing unusual, but something definitely felt odd... an hour passed... and then another... and then another... sometime during that time my mother's boyfriend came home... inquired to where she was, I told him and that was that...

Hours passed and I went to him and said she has been gone a mighty long time so he went to look for her...

He found her in her car passed out. Apparently she had gotten her beer and cigarettes. She had also planned out her suicide by placing a towel in the exhaust, starting the car and drank till she passed out hoping and expecting the carbon monoxide would fill the car and she would die quietly in her sleep. Little did she know that when she started the car, the power engine to the old green Plymouth Duster would blow the towel clean out of the exhaust pipe.

She was ever so thoughtful to have written a suicide letter to which she proclaimed her love for her boyfriend and her aunt and for someone to please take care of her 2 cats. No mention of me anywhere in that letter.

Suicide is an extremely selfish act. The destruction it leaves within a family is indescribable. I shudder in remembrance of just how selfish she was and still sometimes is...

I remember feeling worthless... I wasn't worthy enough to be mentioned in a suicide letter. I remember feeling incredibly unloved... that she didn't love me enough to ask someone to look out for me... she loved those 2 blasted cats enough, but not me. She took for granted that someone would feel obligated enough to burden themselves with me... not because they may have wanted to but because they would've felt obligated.. and although their (whoever they would have been) intentions may have been good... chances are I would've felt the burden I wouldve been to that person.

As I remembered this bit of horrific history... I thought of the look of horrow and sense of urgency in my daughter's face. She wanted to know did I love her enough and did I think she was worth me cancelling my trip for and the answer is yes Daughter, you are worth way more than my trip, I love u more than enough to not go for your sake...

Im often very hard on myself concerning how Im raising MiniMe.. always very fearful and mindful of being like my mother. My mother would've packed me up and sent me off despite my protest. She was just that selfish for every and anything always came before me. Its never the physical abuse I remember from my mother, but always the psychological and emotional abuse. Thats what stays with me. Thats what haunts me, even now. Although I have long forgiven her from my heart, and oftentimes yearn to forget those painful memories, sometimes I need the reminder of what not to be.

we had our weekend together and she enjoyed herself immensely... for which im glad... she will have this memor for a lifetime.

Sometimes, i want something that is just about me. I dont have birthday celebrations, Im not married nor in a relatonship and Im fine with that. i just wanted this simple lil getaway... but that too is ok. One day, it wont mean everything to me to go away and have a little time just for myself because it will one day be the rule and not the exception.

I oftentimes am envious when i see mothers & dabughters who have close relationships cuz I so wish I had that with my mother. but instead of being upset, i know without a doubt that i make sure my relationship with MiniMe never turns south. for all of u who have loving relationships with your mother, be forever thankful.

"We can make our plans but the Lord will determine our steps." Proverbs 16:9

It costed me $175 to learn that No, Im not like my mother... not even a little bit.
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Thursday, March 24, 2011

Day 5, 6, 7, & 8.. (I know Im cheating but Ive been busy this week)

Sorry... Im a little behind on the blogging a day deal but Ive had a pretty busy week....

So here we go...

Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life...

DOUBLE HEADER: Pray in public AND allow God's Perfect Will be done in my life. That Im able to allow the Spirit of God to work in me or through me.


Yess... that is what I pray about the most and knowing what His purpose is what for my life... Ive got to get this praying/testifying/preaching/teaching thing together... I know its coming...

Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do...

Its simply unspeakable and since words have power, whether written or spoken.... I dare not speak on it. PERIOD. This particular thing use to haunt me terribly, I would dream about it, ,wake up in the middle of the night with the shakes but praise God the dreams finally stopped! ..

Day 7: Someone who has made your life worth living for...

GOD. I praise God, so thankful, overjoyed, gleeful, happy, excited to see the miracles He has worked in my life! OMG!!! I never thought I could get to this point of sheer happiness.. Just happy in God. There is this song that Ive been listening to, "My Worship is For Real" and one of the lyrics is "I should have been dead, sleeping in my grave, but he made my enemies behave" and OMG that just resonated with me! I should have been dead! Car rolled over 4 times and I climbed out the window with nothing but a scratch on me... I should have been dead, sleeping in my grave... I was with a man who strangled me for sport... 4 months pregnant and I saw my death in his eyes and thought.. thats it.. this is how Im going out... I should have been dead sleeping in my grave!!! This same man unknowingly exposed me to HIV repeatedly until we found out! God spared me with His Mercy while I was living in all kinds of sin. MERCY! Just thank you God for mercy! My worship would be different but God saw another purpose for my life that I couldn't even see myself... I COULDVE BEEN DEAD... SLEEPING IN MY GRAVE!!! For years.. I walked around on earth.. dead.. walking dead.... Just Dead.. sleepin in my grave as I mindlessly walked through life. Dead cuz I couldnt see past being victimized. Dead because I stayed in a constant state of pity parties. Dead because I was always depressed. Dead because i was mean and hateful and didnt have friends cuz no one wanted to be around me and my negativity and foul mood. Dead in my spirit. dead in my soul.



My darkest moment came when I considered sending my daughter to my ex-abuser to live so I could end it for myself. But thank you God! Joy came in the morning! And now my joy lasts from morning until night.... Thank you God! For keeping me alive and for your mercy! And as I actively choose not to sin by the ways of my flesh and God keeps pouring His Grace on my life! Thank you God for your Grace! Thank you God for thinking of me when I couldnt think for myself. Thank you God for seeing and knowing the purpose for my life when I couldn't see anything but darkness! Just Thank you God!! Thats Why My Worship is FOR REAL!!

Day 8: Someone who has made your life hell or treated you really bad...

Mister. or My mother.. sometimes I used to think there was a competition between the two. LOL SMH But thank you God for deliverance and for teaching me and getting me to understand the power of FORGIVENESS and letting it go! Just thank you!! Not even worth typing what they did cuz it doesn't even matter anymore!

Be Blessed!!

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Day 4: What I need to Forgive Someone Else For.. NADA

I can honestly say.. I have forgiven all those who've done wrong to me so I can't really blog on this topic in that manner.. What I can do is give you a lesson on forgiveness..

Christ instructs us to forgive others from our heart... 77 times 7 if necessary. EVERYDAY. even for the same offense. The thing is.. and I can testify to this.. is that when you truly have forgiven someone from your heart nothing they do to you, no matter how badly they may slight you, it will not bother you in any way, shape or form! FOR REAL FOR REAL!!

I learned I had truly forgiven my mother when I found out she didn't tell me my aunt had passed and I found out thru facebook. I was shocked, which was a human reaction, but I wasn't hurt or devastated like I normally would be. I no longer carry the burden of hurt and disappointment over what has transpired in the past, what she may do and what she might not do. It's done. Im finished with it. The burden of unforgiveness does not bother the person you are not forgiving cuz they are still carrying on about their business as if nothing is wrong. The only person who is hurt by not forgiving is the person who isn't forgiving others. Hatred, anger, disappointment, bitterness, regret, fear, doubt... all feelings associated with unforgivness is not of God but a trick of the enemy to keep your mind off of God. Yes. it really is that simple.

Soooo Im going to share a lesson from my discipleship class.. it is a rather long read but here it goes...

By Don Krow

Today we‘re going to look at the subject of forgiveness from Matthew 18:21-22: “Then came
Peter to him [Jesus], and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven” (brackets mine). I think Peter thought he was being very generous to ask how many times he should forgive someone who sinned against him, ―seven times in a day, do you think?‖
Jesus said, ―Peter, not seven but seventy times seven.‖ That‘s 490 times, but it doesn‘t mean that after 490 times you don‘t have to forgive. What Jesus said was an impossible number of offenses that would happen to an individual in a day. He was saying forgiveness should be continual, that it should go on and on. Forgiveness should be the real attitude of a Christian. Jesus said in Luke 23:34, “Father forgive them; for they know not what they do.” And also Stephen the martyr, in Acts 7:60 said, “Lay not this sin to their charge.” Not all people will receive forgiveness, but the attitude in the heart of a Christian should be always to offer it.

Jesus tells a parable about forgiveness when He continues in verse 23 of Matthew 18, “Therefore is the kingdom of heaven likened unto a certain king, which would take account of [make a reckoning with] his servants, And when he had begun to reckon, one was brought unto him, which owed him ten thousand talents. [The Living Bible says that is like ten million dollars.] But forasmuch as he had not to pay, his lord commanded him to be sold, and his wife, and children, and all that he had, and payment to be made. The servant therefore fell down, and worshipped him, saying, Lord, have patience with me, and I will pay thee all” (brackets mine).

Now, here‘s the situation:
There is a man who actually owes ten million dollars to his master. There is no way he can pay
it—he knows he can‘t and the master knows he can‘t. In those days, you couldn‘t claim
bankruptcy like you can in the United States—they‘d sell you, your wife, your children, and
everything you had, and you‘d go into slavery. You would be sent to prison until everything was
paid, and if it never was, you‘d stay in prison all your life. This man did the only thing he knew
to do: He got down on his knees and cried for mercy, ―O master, please be patient with me!
Please, I beg you. I‘ll repay you everything. Just be patient!‖ Notice what happened in verse 27.
It says the master was moved with compassion for him, and he forgave him his debt. We had a
debt we could not pay. The Bible says that the wages of sin was death (Rom. 6:23)—separation
from God for eternity—all the silver and gold in the world couldn‘t redeem us. Then God in His
compassion and in His grace sent His Son Jesus Christ to earth to pay the debt we couldn‘t pay.
God looked upon us in His compassion and mercy and said, ―I forgive you that debt.‖ This man
who had just been forgiven ten million dollars was owed something like twenty dollars by a
fellow servant. He found him and said, ―I‘ve just been forgiven ten 2 owest. And his fellowservant fell down at his feet, and besought him, saying, Have patience with
me, and I will pay thee all. And he would not: but went and cast him into prison, till he should
pay the debt. So when his fellowservants saw what was done, they were very sorry, and came and told unto their lord all that was done.” He threw that man into prison for twenty dollars after he‘d just been forgiven ten million dollars! Can you imagine that?

Verses 32-34 say, “Then his lord, after he had called him, said unto him, O thou wicked servant, I forgave thee all that debt, because thou desiredst me: Shouldest not thou also have had compassion on thy fellowservant, even as I had pity on thee? And his lord was wroth and
delivered him to the tormentors, till he should pay all that was due unto him.” This man was then thrown into prison because of the way he treated his fellow servant, and thus forfeited his
original forgiveness. Jesus said in verse 35, “So likewise shall my heavenly Father do also unto
you, if ye from your hearts forgive not every one his brother their trespasses.” Isn‘t it foolish,
having been forgiven all our sin— the wages of which are death and separation from God for
eternity—to refuse to forgive? We beseech God, saying ―Forgive me and have mercy on me
through Jesus Christ,‖ receive forgiveness, and then turn and refuse to forgive someone else for a little thing we think is so big—after having received forgiveness for all the things we‘ve done.
God‘s says that‘s wickedness.

I pastored a church awhile back, and there was a young woman in the congregation who was able to see things in the future. She came to me one day and said, ―Is it the Holy Spirit telling me things to come and showing me things in the future? I know when people are going to die and when someone is going to have a car wreck, and things like that.‖ I said, ―You won‘t like my answer, but I don‘t believe that‘s the Holy Spirit. I think it‘s a spirit of divination, the same spirit that followed the Apostle Paul around in Acts 16. He finally rebuked it and commanded it to come out of that girl and she lost her ability to tell fortunes.‖ I went on to tell her that I wasn‘t God, and said, ―I want you to go to Jesus and ask Him, ‗Lord, what is telling me things and giving me information, even before I was saved? Is it your Holy Spirit, or is it something else?‘‖

She came back to me one day and said, ―I talked to the Lord about it, and I think it‘s all right.‖ I said, ―Whatever the Lord says is all right—I‘m not the Great Shepherd.‖

This was in early 1986, and do you know what happened in 1986? We had a space shuttle called
the Challenger, and eight people went up in it. One of them was a woman schoolteacher. As this
young lady was watching television, she saw the woman saying, ―Tomorrow I‘m going up in the Challenger,‖ and talking about it. A spirit spoke to her and said, ―She‘s going to die, she‘s going to die. The next day when the Challenger was launched, it blew up as the whole world watched, and all of the crew perished. The young lady came back to me and said, ―Brother Don, I think what‘s talking to me and giving me information may not be the Holy Spirit. Would you pray for me?‖ Following the service that night, after everyone left, I took her by the hand and said, ―You unclean spirit of divination, come out of her!‖ Nothing happened. Jesus‘ disciples tried to cast an unclean spirit out of a young man once and couldn‘t do it. Jesus said, ―Bring the young man to me.‖ So I said, ―Lord, I thought I knew what was going on here, 3
but I bring this lady to you. Show us what‘s going on.‖ My wife was praying with us and God
gave her a word of knowledge. She said, ―It has something to do with her mother.‖ I said to the
woman, ―Will you forgive your mother?‖ The moment I said that, a voice screamed out of her,
―NO! She gave me away!‖ Then I said ―I bind you, you unclean spirit‖ and asked the woman
again if she would forgive her mother. She then forgave and released her mother and let her go
by the grace and help of God. She was able to let go by making the decision to forgive, and then
she received her deliverance and freedom. to me and giving me information may not be the Holy Spirit. Would you pray for me?‖ Following the service that night, after everyone left, I took her by the hand and said, ―You unclean spirit of divination, come out of her!‖ Nothing happened.

Jesus‘ disciples tried to cast an unclean spirit out of a young man once and couldn‘t do it. Jesus
said, ―Bring the young man to me.‖ So I said, ―Lord, I thought I knew what was going on here,
Just like Jesus said in the parable in Matthew 18, I‘m saying that if we do not forgive from our
hearts after we‘ve been forgiven such a great debt by our heavenly Father, we will be delivered
into the hands of the tormenters. What are the tormenters? They can be all kinds of things––
demonic strongholds, oppression, sickness, depression, disease, and many other things. The root is unforgiveness. Not forgiving after we have been forgiven allows Satan a foothold in our lives. The Bible says we have to make the decision to forgive. In the Lord‘s prayer (Matt. 6:9-11), Jesus said to forgive as we‘ve been forgiven.

Mark 11:25-26 says that when we pray, if we have anything against anyone, we‘re to forgive.
What does that mean? Unforgiveness should stay in our hearts how long? Only as long as it takes us to go to the Lord and pray. And if we have the slightest bit of unforgiveness against anyone, we should release them and say, ―God, I‘m letting them go today. I‘m forgiving them. I‘m making a choice because You forgave me such a great debt.‖

Lord, I pray for anyone reading this lesson that has unforgiveness in their life, that they make a
decision right this moment to let that person go, to forgive them whether they are living or dead. I pray they will let it go and let that hurt be healed by your power and your grace today, Lord. I thank You, in Jesus‘ name. Amen.

Day 3: What I need to Forgive Myself For: My Pride


My pride has always been a major source of contention with me. I've found out recently that not being able to ask for help is a form of self-centered behavior. Im almost in tears writing this because this is one of those subjects that I keep near to my heart.

Today I once again found myself without a sitter so I can go to work... so I had planned on taking MiniMe to work with me. No biggie. I've done it many times before and I will do it again... well today, MiniMe had other ideas... she came up to me while we were at church and asked if she can go with her 2 favorite people from church for the day... and then I asked... well... were u invited?? And she says well they aren't doing anything Mommy! But still were u invited?? And boy did she maneuver herself right where she wanted to be. LOL SMH It worked out in her favor... but Im always drilling the point in to her of not inviting yourself places with people, if people want u to come along they will invite you, u don't want to wear out your welcome nor do u want to be burdensome. I really sometimes despise when MiniMe bounces up to people begging or asking for something. Im always worried that people are going to think Im putting her up to it.

Ive been willing to compromise what I know isn't right as a mother to keep from asking for a sitter. How awful is that? Each time I get to that point God saves me.

I guess a the problem has always been with me, but I was always able to work out my own issues and handle me and mine since I had two jobs. Im not able to do that anymore now that Im a single parent.... I guess it wouldn't be so bad if people were a little bit less obvious about hiding their disdain... when you can see someone trying to figure out how not to help while trying to figure out how not have it come across that they dont want to be bothered.

then to00... i could just be paranoid...

Ohhhh can't wait for this segment of begging to be OVER WITH..

Friday, March 18, 2011

Day 2: What I Love About Myself

I thought about so many things that I love about myself as I was thinking about what to blog about... Superficial things such as my hair and looks, more personal stuff like my ability to change and my humor, something spiritual such as my growth as a Christian. Then when I really thought about it and the events that have taken place recently, what I have discovered that I love most about myself is that I always honestly try to do the right thing no matter the circumstances.. Even if I have stand alone in righteousness I will stand alone if necessary.

For many of you that have followed me over the years, you know the story about Mister and I. To narrow it down a smidgen, he owed me a great deal of money in child support arrears. Child support has been intermittent and I consider myself blessed when I get a payment! Ive gone as long as 6 mos and although I do realize that some custodial parents do not see a dime in payments, but my financial struggles are in fact my own. Being that I work, I never qualified for any kind of governmental assistance, not even a dollar in food stamps and rent and my daughter's tuition is literally ALL of my take home income. Paying bills is a juggling act.

I say all of this to say.. that thru the whole custodial mess, I tried my best to be fair because it was the right thing to do. I could have been ugly about it, I could have tried to keep my daughter from him, but that wasn't my place. I could have done a whole laundry list of things to harm him like he had done me but I didn't simply because it wasn't the right thing to do. The right thing to do was to make sure I did my part that my daughter had a relationship with her father. The whole issue of child support reared its ugly head one day in court when he wanted a reduction and I told him he didn't have to pay anything if he didn't wanna and that it was between him, God and our daughter. It was at that moment that I was finally free from being his victim. We finally agree upon a reduction amount and this man had the unmitigated gall to then go before the judge with our agreement and asked not to have pay for the summer months since she was with him. The judge said UNH UNH what you pay for your other child you will pay the same amount for THIS CHILD. LOLOL I had to laugh cuz I do whole heartedly believe the judge was positively FLOORED by his audacity. Here I agree to a $150/month reduction and he still goes and asks to pay even less.. LOLOL SMH

People and family talked about me so bad. Called me stupid. Said he had a hold on me. Nobody seemed to understand my need to not rock the boat nor my need to try and do the right thing. But God understood.

*AGAIN*.. LOLOL I say all of this to say is that my child support arrears were wrapped up in Mister's Chapter 13 bankruptcy case and his taxes were suppose to be garnished to go toward his bankruptcy and I wasn't suppose to receive payment until his lawyers decided to pay the state of Illinois. Well.. apparently, Illinois put a lien on his taxes and garnished them before the Bankruptcy Court or his lawyers could get their fingers on a dime.

Child Support Arrears will be PAID IN FULL. In Jesus' Name.

You can't mess with a child of God. What God has for me is FOR ME!! Not anyone else. It is rightfully MY MONEY. I chose to do the right thing in my dealings with him, despite his abuse towards me, despite all of the horrible and hideous things he has done to me, despite him not being a willing participant in financially taking care of our daughter, God once again poured His Grace into my life. It wasn't for me to take revenge against Mister for our God is a JUST GOD and only He alone can serve justice.

Thank you God. Just Thank You in Advance for Your Constant Grace & Favor.


Thursday, March 17, 2011

30 Days of Blogging Day 1: What I Hate About Myself

Sooo Ive decided to partake in this Daily Blog for 30 days on writing 30 different pre-chosen truths about myself. Although Ive given up Facebook & Twitter until Easter, I will be posting links via blogger to my page... I dunno why I am having such a difficult time this year with my total fast... but here we go...

Day 1: What I Hate About Myself

I really do despise my inability to be disciplined in all aspects of my life... Not praying like I should, Studying the bible like I should, staying on top of my homework like I should, keeping my household intact, not being able to focus, sometimes unable to keep my trap shut because I have that ever elusive point to prove. This particular inability of keeping my trap shut has caused me much strife in my life and in some cases has ruined friendships and I am steadily working on and praying for me to discipline my tongue.. Anyhoo, I cant even do this 40 day fast I put upon myself, still smoking, still drinking coffee.. just big ol *sigh*... I lasted 6 whole days... SMH I am keeping off of Facebook and Twitter, well for the most part... I am discovering that not being able to post my daily thoughts is worrying me beyond belief... Im trying to keep a journal, but I seem unable to do even that on a consistent basis. But the one thing that I seem to be disciplined about is getting my sleep. It use to be that sleep was an escape from darkness and depression, and PRAISE GOD that is no longer the case, but now I just seem tired all of the time. And thats driving me to distraction because I am feeling like Im being lazy. Someone told me to get some vitamins, B12 & prenatal. Ive done so today and Im praying this works. I do know that for most of my life Ive always felt tired. Just tired. Dont know if it is me, if Ive been conditioned or have conditioned myself to be sleepy. But what I do know is that beating myself up about it is not going to solve this problem.

30 Days of Blogging

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Sooo What's New With Me???

Not a whole lot...

Well.. maybe more than that...

I am moving soon! HOOORAAAAAY

*jumps up and down for joy!!*

I am just tooo excited for words.. I have been in this too small 3 room apartment now for 5 years.






I don't think you understand. When I first moved in it seemed nice and cute for MiniMe and I's first apartment by ourselves. But somewhere down the road I, scratch that.. WE outgrew it tremendously!! For someone who complains about money woes.. I surely have accumualated alot of JUNK. Starting first with MiniMe's corner of the living room that is her play area...

Long time ago.. it looked like this....

And then it started looking like this..

Don't look at me in that tone.. See.. what had happened was.. I started going to school full time while working full time and somehow or 'nother it all got away from me. I am a particular cleaner.. and like thing just and so.. and as my available time got less and less the more I let stuff go. I am the type of person that if I don't have the time to clean it how I want it cleaned with all the bells and whistles that are peculiar to me.. I won't attempt to tackle it, then soon or later.. what you see above is the end result. Not to mention that I simply ran out of space, out of ideas to accommodate the foolishness, out of wherewithal to fix it and simply out of energy to even make an attempt. I would get overwhelmed just looking at it and then would simply disassociate myself from it and pretend as if it didnt exist!!

and being that my child is a natural born slob.. *big ole sigh* But thats alright.. Ive fixed her... she is left with only this...

What didn't make it got tossed. 6 bags worth of foolishness is sitting in the alley. I REFUSE to carry this mess to a new 3 bedroom apartment. REFUSE I SAY!! By time I am done packing and purging.. scratch that.. PURGING AND PACKING.. in that order thank you very much.. Im not going to have much left!! FOR REAL FOR REAL!!

In other news... I had the biggest AHA moment of my life... satan is the FATHER OF ALL LIES. his trick is to deceive you.. he can't MAKE you do anything but if you allow him you can be deceived and I am naturally a person who cannot stand and absolutely ABHORS being lied to! I was like UN UNHHHH the heck you say! I am a child of the Most High God! I am VICTORIOUS! I am MORE THAN A CONQUEROR!! You needsssss to get back under my feet where you belong! so TAKE THAT!!! and just like that.. IT'S GONE.







Fear, doubt, worry??

Yep.. thats GONE too!!

Cigarette smoking??


Sleepiness, lethargy and tiredness..


If I thought I was delivered before I am really DELIVERED now!

Boooyaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Somebody queue the shouting music!!



...now.. about that bedroom... smh

Monday, January 3, 2011

Green, Red, & Black: Seeking Deliverance AGAIN.

Sooo MiniMe came bouncing off the plane and the first thing she says is guess what Mommy? Daddy is getting married next month and now Imma have 2 Mommies!!!!! And guess what Mommy? Im going to call her *MOM*

*blank stare*

Now... that was a lot to digest within the first 5 minutes from picking her up from the gate..

Just when I think its all good.. that Ive got my issues under my feet here we go...

Lets just start with me saying and admitting that Im green with envy. yep. surely am. Envious because I want to be married SO BAD. Sooo tired of being BY MYSELF. Being the only one LOOKING OUT FOR ME (in the flesh I mean) Not understanding how it is soooo easy for men to just find another one, hook up and be married while we women just dangle on endlessly in singlehood..

RED with jealousy.. yes.. Im jealous.. My daughter will be calling another woman MOM and I can do nothing about it but be the bigger woman & put my own personal issues aside and tell her to make sure she loves her, treats her nicely and be obedient and in so many words not to be the evil step child. But danggit.. that doesn't mean I have to like it. But I guess Imma have to get use to it.

BLACK with anger. just soooooooooooooo much ANGER. Incomprehensible how ANGRY I am. Not because I want him, or mad that he is moving on... but just angry at myself for feeling like this. Angry because I thought I was past this and I knew it was gonna happen but I feel as if someone suckered punched me my knees. Angry that he gets to be blessed with marriage, and has had new children and yet has continued to do wrong towards me. I am pushing on 6 months without child support and he is going to be married? Really? He has continued to try and be a thorn in my side. Keep in mind.. this man is HIV positive and so my understanding is befuddled at the moment cuz I am simply just not understanding. ANY OF IT.


You ever notice how people who perpetually do wrong and hurt others continue to live a blessed life? Everything always works out for them. ALL THE TIME! Liars, cheats and thieves seem to live a blessed life.

Lets see... he lives in a 4 Bedroom house, me.. a 3 room tiny apartment. I'm on the bus, He has 5 cars to his disposal. He just started going to school and already has a job in his field. Me? been in school got my bachelors, post bachelors certificate and working on my masters and still cant find a job in my field? When does this end? Ive worked my behind off and Ive yet to see a payoff.. and I'm not understanding ANY OF IT!! Its pissing me off to no end.

I know I'm not suppose to question God. I know I'm not suppose to compare my blessings to another's. I know God has a perfect plan for our lives but my flesh wants to see him SUFFER! I want to see justice be served on him because his character is reprehensible. A liar, cheat, thief, manipulative, conning, mean... just doggone mean... and I'm not understanding ANY OF IT?

I found this out Sunday morning before church after I picked up MiniMe from the airport. The closer I got to church.. the angrier I became. MiniMe is just chit chatting away about her *new* family... wishing she could live in Ga.. blah blah blah and Im like nooooooooooo this can't be happening. Im always afraid that she is going to tell me one day that she wants to live with her father. I honestly feel he is quietly manipulating her to that. He isn't going to come right out and say don't you want to live with Daddy? but he is very under-handed in that regards.

Lets think about this.. if you were a child where would you want to be? Living in a cramped up apartment, on the bus in the cold, no siblings or cousins to play with at your leisure? Or inside of a nice home, with her own bedroom, never having to run for a bus again, or sit in class with Mommy, or being left at school till forever before being picked up , not having to feel the rejection of a grandmother who would rather be holed up in her room than be bothered with you, not having a host of relatives and being able to always have some kind of company to keep you entertained??

I sat in church and could feel my heart hardening again. I couldn't praise. I couldn't worship. Pastor spoke a sermon that talked directly to my spirit and all I could do was cry. Cry cry cry cry... couldn't remember what he said exactly, but I know he was speaking to me...

Have I said Im not understanding? So at this moment, on top of praying for my heart and emotions to line up with my spirit, I'm praying for divine revelation in this matter because again...


And then.. I can't help but wonder if he has some new tricks up his sleeve.. that whole play on the southern notion that a 2 parent family is better, I can give her this,that and the other and she can't... Dear God.. He better not go there, please and thank you. But he is very capable, manipulative and mean enough to do just that.