Thursday, December 20, 2012

I Remember When...

Originally posted on December 3, 2010

I found out Mister was HIV+... It came in the mail.. his lab results from the insurance company that was going to insure our 4500 square feet, 5 bedroom, 3 bathroom house.. dunno why I need to share how big the house was... Im feeling a little cramped at the moment in our 3 room apartment.

Anyhooo... The letter was to inform him that he was not eligible to be insured and they sent his lab results. The lab results showed a bunch of numbers and at the bottom it said "HIV+ according to CDC standards." I remember seeing them on a Saturday and it was a holiday weekend and I was praying the docs office was going to be open on that holiday Monday... that weekend was sheer torture because I feared the very worse about myself and my daughter.. MiniMe at the time was about 10 months old. Didnt know at that moment how long he had it or if I had gotten it and passed it to MiniMe during my pregnancy...

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Lisa's Story: Part 1

I look at this picture now.. and just wow.. those who have no ability to discern will not see it, but a few discerning spirits have told be they see nothing but darkness in me in this picture. I would have to agree with them. I am posting this blog for a final time on what I hope is to be my final blog page. I am gathering many blogs into one location because God has commanded me to write a book about what happened to me and I must be obedient. However first, I need to gather everything into ONE location! 

This is something that I originally wrote in a blog 4-5 years ago... many of you may remember it.. for many of you this will be your first time reading it... I can finally read this in appreciation.. without crying or being upset, just in appreciation AND awe of the awesome presence and favor of God in my life.. I am SOOO not the person who wrote this anymore... sooo not the person who is filled with such despair.. I post this because this is something that many people may be going thru right now.. in all aspects and it is a teaching tool to recognize that whoever it is that is going thru it can also come out with their head up...

There may be cursing in this blog here in there... my foul mouth had yet been delivered... also.. Mister was previously known as The FOOL.>>

This is a story that was part of a 3 blog trilogy that I had posted on my old page that got deleted. I remember the day I typed part 3 to the trilogy, I went to post and it did the infamous yahoo thing and disappeared. *POOF* it was gone, so I went and rewrote it and saved it on word and decided to repost it today and tell the rest of the story. Someone very close to me said that I come off as moaning and groaning and that I appear that way because they don’t understand like she does because she knows more of the story, or so I thought. Well I am going to finish it now, and it is very long, 11 pages on word.

Let me preface this with saying that by the point that this story picks up... I had found out Mister was HIV+, found out he may have been on the down low..Found out that I WAS NOT HIV+.had several domestic violence incidents with Mister and one with Ma Barker (his mother) and by this point had left 3 times already...

So during this two month waiting period...

Gotta pause this for a second... the time frame in this two month waiting period is the time between when I found his lab results from applying for home owners insurance to the time he went to the doctor and found out himself... He initially denied being HIV+ despite the fact I had his paperwork in my hand...

... we tip toed around each other. He brought out his charm, the same charm he used to snag me with in the first place, but he never said one word about IT. And no, he didn’t lay a finger on me, sexually or otherwise. It was a strange existence and with passing day I grew internally angrier and angrier. I knew that it was time for me to make my move.

After the results he was distraught. I can only imagine the inner turmoil he was going through. This abruptly halted any plans of ours to have another child and then it was the matter of life insurance. Me being me, I started searching for ways that HIV positive men could have children without infecting the mother. I searched for companies that would actually give him insurance. There are 5 insurance companies in the U.S. that will insure him and there were ways to have a kid without actually getting infected. So then he started to resent me. His resentment grew with each passing day to the point that it became intolerable.

I asked him how he got it and he couldn’t come up with any answers. I asked him point blank if her ever slept with a man,

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Oh, So it's YOUR Birthday Now, Mommy??

For God so loved the World that He gave His only begotten son that whosoever believeth in him should 
not perish, but have everlasting life. John 3:16

I remember one time... I was preparing for MiniMe's 7th birthday party I believe it was. *I* was busy making sure her Princess and the Frog birthday Party was going to be PERFECT. *I* was running around getting hard to find decorations of t
he first black Disney princess, getting equally as hard to find Princess Tiana purses as treat bags, goodies to put in these purses, making sure everything matched, that there would be enough treat bags...etc.... *I* was nervous about how many or if anyone would show up, *I* didn't want to her to be disappointed about anything on HER special day. So then it came down to picking out the cake. *I* couldn't decided on which Princess cake to get so I tell my friend on the way to the store that day.. how *I* couldn't make up my mind about the 
cake and then MiniMe chimed in from the back seat..

"That's ok Mommy, I will pick out the cake"

And in the most typical of a fussy mother's fashion I said.. What do you mean you are PICKING OUT THE CAKE??? You aren't picking out anything!! You have some money in your pockets? You have a way to pay for the cake??? *I* am the one paying for this shindig of yours and *I* will be the one to pick out the cake!! 

to which she replied in typical MiniMe fashion... 

"Oh, so its YOUR birthday now Mommy?"


                                                                                                                                                                                            I was reminded of this story when I saw this verse. I honestly have NO IDEA about what Im going to "do about 
Christmas" this year. I mean seriously? NO CLUE!!! Currently, I have "bigger" fish to fry as to what to do with any money I have or may get and I have been trying not to worry about it... You see how many times I said *I* in my  story above?? As parents, in our own self-centeredness, we tend to forget about the "bigger picture" in trying to make sure we are finding our kids the perfect gifts for Christmas. Running around trying to find their little Christmas requests.. Standing in long lines.. dealing with crowds.. doing the Black Friday thing.. not wanting them or anyone else to be disappointed on Christmas morning with our gifts.. 

"Oh, so its YOUR birthday now Mommy?"

My daughter told me, in that very moment, this is not YOUR day Mommy, but MINE!!

Ive got news for you, its not your birthday you are celebrating either, but Christ's!!  

For God so loved the World that He gave His only begotten son that whosoever believeth in him should 
not perish, but have everlasting life.

For God so loved the World.. all of us.. the good and the bad.. the believers and non-believers.. (thank you homiletics for that one LOL).

Oh, So it's YOUR birthday now, Mommy?

HE GAVE US His only begotten son, we didn't give Him anything but our sins.. we didn't deserve it, but He did it for us anyway!! 

Oh, So it's YOUR birthday now, Mommy?

I am not going to perish for not having gifts under the tree, however ,I will perish for not believing in him, for not teaching MiniMe about God's love for us and about what Christ did for us and for not teaching her how important it is to believe in Christ in her heart, to have his love for everyone in her heart. Yes, I will be accountable for my teaching her about Christ and giving her an example of being Christlike. That is the best and only perfect gift I can ever give her!

Oh, So it's YOUR birthday now, Mommy?

Ever lasting life will not come by buying the perfect Christmas presents or filling the Christmas tree up to capacity with presents. Everlasting life will come through my belief in Christ. My walk with Christ. The love of Christ in my heart will show in me through me to my daughter. Everlasting life will come through teaching my daughter about Christ and about being Christlike and what that really means. Everlasting life will come through my faith that is THROUGH my belief in Christ, God will supply my needs and maybe.. just maybe.. if Im lucky.. some of my wants.. 

Oh, So it's YOUR birthday now, Mommy?

Christmas is not about me nor what I can put under the tree. Its not about some toys that will be forgotten about or broken within a few days. It is not about how much money I have to spend nor is it about getting someone the "perfect gift". It is about God's love for us and the perfect gift He gave us because of His love for us. His Son. Salvation. Love. Everlasting life. There is only ONE perfect gift.

And guess what?? Princess Tiana ended up laying on her side in the frosting of the cake. MiniMe didn't even notice.  

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Day 10 of 30 Days of Thanksgiving: Learning Something Else About Myself

I absolutely hate being misunderstood.. I mean.. it hurts me to my core when someone misunderstands my intentions. or my words. or my feelings. Especially if it is someone I genuinely care about.

I always find myself trying to explain myself even more.  Which ends up to more misunderstanding.. which always ends disastrously..

And now Im sitting here even more shocked. Hurt. Stunned. And just WOWWWW..

How did it get here??

Ive got to learn to stop. Ive got to learn that no matter how much I try and explain myself, sometimes, people are going to continue to misunderstand you no matter how much you try to explain yourself. And I have got to learn to let it go. No matter how much it hurts to lose a friendship. No matter how much it hurts to be misunderstood. No matter how much it hurts to be accused of something that wasn't in my heart to do. I still have to let it go.

And I am thankful for that lesson on today. People will misunderstand you and there is absolutely nothing you can say and do to get them to think or believe otherwise. You have to pray and let it go.

Day 9 of 30 Days of Thanksgiving: Admitting Im Wrong & Apologizing

Proverbs 12:1 
1 Whoever loves instruction loves knowledge, but he who hates correction is stupid.

That's something isn't it? If you hate to be corrected and do not like to learn more about your flaws concerning yourself, means you are stupid. Stupid is a strong yet offensive word and something no one ever wants to admit about themselves. Especially when it comes to...

Admitting When You Are Wrong. 

You cannot even begin to apologize when you cannot admit you may have done, failed to do or said something to someone which may have hurt their feelings or offended them. 

Working in customer service has taught me this very important lesson, people appreciate when you can admit you are wrong and then set about a course of action to correct the wrong which satisfies your customer and will likely bring them back into your store. It has taught me people value and appreciate integrity and character that people give forth. 

I have learned through the course of the last few years to be quick to apologize and admit when Im wrong. Ive always hated to offend people, but would never apologize because apologizing would mean admitting some flaw about myself that I am not ready accept. 

At work, if I have made a mistake, I would quickly own up to my mistake and allow myself to be taught how not to make the mistake again. If I misspoke or accuse someone of not doing something I thought I told them to do, once Ive realize I was wrong about it, I will quick apologize and say hey, yanno what you are right, that was my fault. When supervising subordinates, being able to admit you made a mistake goes FAR in trying to motivate workers to move with a sense of urgency and do a good job. One time, I was in the office with my boss for giving an associate a scream job of a lifetime in front of customers, after he finished his speech, I said, you know what? I was wrong for my actions. No matter what this person said or have done, only I have control of my behavior and nothing she should have done should have made me react like that. 

The relief on his face was priceless. Maybe because he didn't have to write me up? Maybe it was because I made it easier for him to discipline me without it getting ugly? I don't know.  I do know it   was at that moment I was able to be taught by him and learn something about myself that caused me to react so poorly in the first place.  

There are so many benefits to being able to admit when you are wrong. People tend to believe you in other areas when you are able to admit you are wrong in the areas where you are wrong! No big science behind this statement. While being wrong is human, being wrong and lying or being dishonest about it makes you unethical and questionable in all other areas of your life. You will be looked at as a person of good character and integrity. Character is what you are in the inner core of our soul. Character is the management of your own imperfections and the world around you.  How can one say they are truly walking with Christ and say they have changed all these other issues but are not willing learn, accept and change other issues about themselves they need to be delivered from? This alone will make nonbelievers turn away from Christ and have Christians question your validity of your acceptance of Christ. Stupid much?

Being wrong allows us to make adjustments to our thinking.

Being wrong does not mean you are less of a person. 

Being wrong will create opportunities for people to accept us as a person. 

Being wrong allows us to have a clean slate. 

Being wrong allows us to reflect.

Being wrong offers an opportunity for change (repentance). 

Being wrong shows us we’re human.

Being wrong shows everyone else we’re human.

Being wrong allows us to learn from our mistakes

Being wrong offers us valuable feedback.

Being wrong gives us a chance to make amends.

I have learned to be quick to admit I am wrong and then apologize for them. If I have offended someone, I will apologize even if I know without a shadow of a doubt, I wasn't wrong but my delivery of what I said may have been wrong, or I may say it wasn't my intention to offend, or do whatever it is necessary to right that situation with that person. 

Ive encountered those who view this stance as some kind of weakness on my part. Or that Im desperate for their friendship. Or this makes me some kind of doormat. Or an easy target. Or a people pleaser. Or I am weak. Or I am not strong. 

I am none of those things. 

There is nothing that shows more strength and humility in a person than for them to freely and unashamedly admit when they are wrong. Admitting being wrong is very spiritually freeing and frees you from so much spiritual bondage and strongholds. Admitting you are wrong can even lessen your punishment. Think about those who have made the news who went court denying everything under the sun then have the book thrown at them. Think also about those very few, who admitted they were wrong and their punishment was lessened.

Have you ever been in an argument with someone who will defend their position to the death even when their is credible proof their position or their way of thinking is just FLAWED?? There is this thing in management called, perception is reality. If a person perceives you have offended them, more than likely you have. It could have been your delivery, your body language, the curtness of your voice, your abrupt words, etc.. Nothing chaps my hyde more than for you to tell someone how they have offended you and instead of accepting responsibility or trying recognize what it is they have said or done that was offensive; they try to JUSTIFY them (defending their position to the DEATH) their offense by pointing out what it is you did to make them offend you in the first place. 

This is when I started living by and adhering to the following verse: 

Proverbs 26:4-5
Do not answer a fool according to his folly, or you yourself will be just like him. Answer a fool according to his folly, or he will be wise in his own eyes. 

This is when I stop talking. This is when I walk away and leave them with their falsely perceived self-righteous thoughts. This is when I can see in them, how I used to be, in not being able to recognize my own flaws nor be willing to accept how I was wrong, learn from it, and then apologize. 

Here is the thing about this admitting you are wrong thing, you do not get to pick and choose what it is you are actually wrong about. That's the equivalent to picking out which commandments you are going to choose to follow. It doesn't work that way. Sin is sin. 

And finally, being wrong allows us the opportunity to be right. 

And so on this Day 9 of gratitude, I am thankful for allowing the love of Christ to flow in me and through me by being quick to admit when I know I am wrong, to be able to learn from my wrong, sincerely apologize from it and apologize even if I unintentionally offended someone .

Sometimes, eating crow, isn't half bad. 

‎"And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God." - Romans 12:2

Friday, November 9, 2012

Day 8 of 30 Days of Thanksgiving: The Faith Behind Prayers

I remember when I thought my Grandfather would never change how he is. We love him, but he can be a bit of a trip!! He is usually  a bit self-absorbed, can have very selfish tendencies, a bit self-centered and a knack for saying what doesn't need to be said despite however truthful it may be. It's usually the delivery of it that will have you like WOW!! 

Since I have been here, he really didn't take much interest in me or MiniMe for that matter. I don't think there was any malicious intent, he just didn't. 

Up until today, I simply chose not to deal with him too much. I didn't avoid him, but I didn't seek him out either. 
However, a looong time ago, I prayed for him. Prayed for him without the thought in the very back of my mind "well he is never going to change." I prayed for him to come to peace about whatever it is that is haunting him, that he develops some form of Faith, and that he becomes more loving towards us, his family as a whole. 

Sooo on Tuesday, the day before my birthday, upon realizing I will be off from work this week, he invited me to lunch. Im not going to lie, I was trying to figure out if I should decline, then knowing I don't have a poker face, hoping that my saying yes didn't show the "no" on my face. But there was something in his eye, a pleading if you will.. so I accepted and we set a time for this afternoon. 

This grandfather of mine, is punctual to a FLAW. As I stated earlier, he is of the type, when it is time for a family gathering of sorts to go out to dinner, he will proclaim, "out the door time is 6:00pm!!!!" Then next think we know, its 5:45 and he is sitting in his car looking nervous and looking at his watch and we find ourselves scrambling like idiots busting out the door all at once!! LOLOL 

Sooo today, despite my best efforts to get up and out the house..ehhhh.. I too found myself, once again, scrambling like an idiot trying to bust out the door!! And running late.. and Im afraid Im going to see *the face*, but instead, he calls and I hear *the voice* LOLOL and immediately I say, Im 2 stops away.. and he says its ok.. but you told me the wrong restaurant, its Rudy's not Ruby's!! ehhh ok.. LOL

So I get there.. expecting to see the *face* but he is all good sitting at the bar, having his first adult beverage. Soo again, filled with dread, we sit at our tables and Im expecting that forcefully *polite* elephant in the room kind of conversation.. yanno the kind that is awkward at best. Amazingly enough, it wasn't. We talked about a variety of topics, shared some laughs, had a pretty doggone good time if I must say so myself. 

Previously, I have posted how my prayers for others, such as my daughter, were always answered, but never for myself. As I stated earlier, I prayed for him without the small seed planted in my head that he will never change (doubt). For me, Ive realized that even that small seed of doubt planted into the back of my brain will invalidate my prayers. For myself, I did not yet fully believe that God loved me and that He will take care of me and give me the desires of my heart. So when I prayed for it, that seed of doubt would be planted into the back of my brain, invalidating my prayers for a change to occur in my life. 

Simply put - the prayer of faith: is a prayer seeking help from God on any given subject. In other words - "Asking for Something" - and then (this is the important part) BELIEVING that God will give it to us or has given it to us and thereby receiving it by faith.  In other words, we believe that God heard, and answered our prayer when we prayed.

So check this out.. 

As we are leaving, he says, we should do this again sometimes. Im serious. We really need to do this again. The look in his eyes, told me a different story from what Ive known of him, it was a longing mixed with a little fear if you will. A longing to do something he has never done with me and thats establish a relationship and fearful I would reject his invitation. I happily accepted and said ABSOLUTELY! 

Now, he did say to me during lunch that he was glad I had lost the weight cuz I look soo much better and really needed to get that weight off of me. LMBO O_O

I can't say he has completely changed or that he will ever completely change, but I can say he has made a start. 

That little thought in the back of your brain you have while you are praying? Get rid of it. 

And on Day 8, for that I am grateful for. The start of change and the benefit of my now REALLY knowing and understanding the concept of Faith behind my Prayers. 

He is pretty sharp for 81 years of age now isn't he?

If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.  That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord.
 (James 1:5-7)

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Day 7 of 30 Days of Thanksgiving: Another Year, Unexpected Gifts, Gifts & Old Friendships

Here I am writing my Thankful Blog 23 minutes before the conclusion of my 39th Birthday. 

39 huh Lisa? Just WOW!! 

The Unexpected Gift

Since I was about 33, I would say no more babies after 35, then 37, then 39, thennn well, I at least gotta be married by time Im 40 and have the baby in my first year of marriage!! LOL

During the fall of 2008 when I was finishing my undergrad degree, I just KNEW that was going to be my last holiday season in retail!!! 

In June 2009 when I finished my post grad paralegal certificate, I just KNEW that would be THE last year PERIOD in retail and couldn't anyone tell me that the holiday season was not gonna catch me DEAD still in retail. 

I have prayed, literally for 4 years to PLEASE GOD!! LET THIS BE MY LAST HOLIDAY SEASON IN RETAIL!!! 

Well today, I got an unexpected birthday gift from God. Well, kinda.. LOL I went to the doctor and concerned because Im not responding very well to the new meds, he told me to stay off work until the first week of December!! 


What??? First Black Friday & Saturday in at least 15 years that I don't have to work??


And whyyyy would I be happy to be receiving 60% of my current pay when I currently have $2.00 to my name, rent isn't paid, bank account is overdrawn due to them not paying me my sick time nor telling me they failed to do so nor did my manager submit my short term disability papers into corporate and I do not know the next time Im going to see a check??

Cuzzz, thinking about going to back to work on Monday would instantly put me to sleep!! The madness that is currently going on, they decided to train all 100 employees on doing returns (many of whom cant give back change for a $20 without shorting the register), we are short staffed on service desk supervisors and the expectation would all fall ALL on me to make sure we are preventing shrink in the return process (cash, proper ticketing, fraud returns, sensoring, etc) AND provide good customer service?? Unh Unhhhh couldn't do it!! I ain't ready and God knows Im not ready and Im thanking Him for this break and leaning on him to provide my needs and ensuring I do not get evicted and thanking Him while I am IN it!!! 

The Gift

MiniMe being ever so frantic over me never having a "celebration" if you will for my birthday, "planned" my birthday celebration by insisting my mother (we are still trying to figure out when did she get a job to make such plans? LOLOL SMH) takes me out for dinner on yesterday evening. Soooo sweet that child of mine is! And the bonus? Moms gave me a $100 gift card to Ashley Stewart! Yesssss!! Said I needed to buy more clothes since my clothes are literally falling off of me! LOL Said she didn't give me cash cuz she knew I wasn't going to spend it on myself (which I wasn't cuz Im thinking about how my bills are lining up) sooo on tomorrow.. Im going to go get me an outfit or three.. and Im thankful for it. 

Another Year
Usually on my birthdays, Im always depressed, always thinking about how nothing has changed, Im still not married, Im still robbing Peter, John, Bartholomew and the rest of the disciples to pay Paul, still living in the hood, still do not have a car, Im still not having an all out birthday celebration party on my behalf, still by myself, feeling all isolated and what not.. and although nothing Ive listed has actually changed this year, Im just genuinely, whole-heartedly, purely, and sincerely thankful to see another year. This year, Im taking all time conditions off of myself for perceived measures of success... its not on my time.. this is not my life Im living.. but His. and it is only when and if He decides for the innermost desires of my heart to be filled or changes my desires. Until then, I must relearn contentment and not continue to feel cheated, short changed or as if Im settling. aka discontentment and be thankful for simply being blessed enough to see another year filled with promises, hope and faith that THIS will be better and there is more to life than what is tangible. 

and finally,

Old Friendships
As I was going through thanking everyone who wished me a Happy Birthday on Facebook, Thank you, by the way, many people I have not seen since yesteryearsssss, have never met, etc.. then I came across some of my oldest and dearest friends, and realize how much I miss them. We are all in different states right now, and I moved to Chicago not having any friends, and on tonight as I thought about it, I really got to appreciate who they are in my life. the laughs. good times. goodwill. phone conversations. going places. visiting each other. shopping. One of whom Ive only met once and upon meeting me took me where I needed to go despite I kept falling asleep on her! LMBOO But what I do remember about them the most, they loved me for me despite my issues and quirkiness, there was never any keeping track of who did what for who and I did this for you so why can't you do the same, they would have offered before I was able to get the words out of my mouth to ask, I would have never been asked to pay for their help, charged for their gas, and they knew I would have never asked anything from them if they needed help from me. I also know my post-Mister life would have been a heck of a lot EASIER if at least ONE of them were in the same city with me. I miss you & love you guys sooo much and I Thank God for you, despite the distance!! Im sorry I seldom call, not because I don't want to, but mostly because I forget (which y'all already know about me LOL) and seldom call folks these days (or previously actually) cuz long conversation will have me sleep on you guys!! LOL SMH

Sooo, today has been remarkably uneventful. No tears. No sadness. No beating myself up. No depression. Some reflection. Many prayers of Thanksgiving. Bummed around North Michigan avenue window shopping, talking with God and doing a whole lot of nothing.

And for once, Im thankful for that. And content. Cuz really? It doesn't get much better than that! 

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Days 4 & 5 of 30 Days of Thanksgiving: Thankful for a Diagnosis

*record scratch*

Say what?? Did she just say she is THANKFUL for a medical diagnosis?

Why YES!! YESSS I am!! 

For YEARSSSSS I have battled this problem of mine. This problem of excessively sleeping. This problem of not being able to hear the alarm clocks. This problem of always walking around chronically tired and exhausted and feeling lazy or unmotivated as if I just did not have the will to keep going. I mean I LITERALLY got out of the bed almost EACH morning counting the hours until I can rush and get back into bed!! Sleep ruled my life and was my idol for a LONNNNGGG TIME! And lets not talk about the 5-10 alarms to get me out of the bed!! 

1st Thessalonians 5:17-18, “Pray without ceasing. In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.”

I Had to Keep On Start Praying... again.

Yes again.  I had gotten to a point in my life that I had stopped praying because I didn't see visible results. If I didn't see something change, then I would quit praying. I had become Saved. I had became a born again believer. I was even Baptized in the Holy Spirit that resides inside of me, but I was still an immature believer. The immature believer is the one who still thinks they need to *SEE* the physical manifestation of their prayers & the power of God working in their life. I didn't see that new job Ive been begging for going on 4 years now. I did not see the financial blessings a new job would provide. I did not see how Im gonna be able to pay 100K in student loans if I did not get the job I desire. I did not get the car Ive been praying God for. I did not get the husband Ive been praying (begging really lol) to God for. All I saw was this life of hard knocks & what I did not have and then I had to realize that God really does work in mysterious ways, and it's not MY place to quit praying just because I didn't think God was listening. 

Focus on the Promise and not the problem so the Provision can be released. 

I had to start back with that. I had to relearn this lesson repeatedly. I had to keep beating this thought upon my head until I *got it*.  
I had to force myself to stand firm upon the PROMISES of God. I had to learn to pray even when I don't see results, because I have God's PROMISE of blessing, provision, protection and guidance. God tells us that He cares in 1st Peter 5:7 and thus wants us to cast our burdens upon His shoulders in prayer. If I believe the Bible, and have that small mustard seed of faith of the Power and Might of God, it is then and only then by faith that I can do what God asks and trust Him.

I  had to REALLY learn that God loves me. That God cares for me. One day, a few years ago, God got me out of bed in the middle of the night and told me to Google

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Day 3 of 30 Days of Thanksgiving: Thanking God for His Mercy

O give thanks unto the Lord; for he is good: for his mercy endureth for ever. Psalm 136:1

Mercy is defined as the discretionary power of a judge to pardon someone or to mitigate punishment, especially to send to prison rather than invoke the death penalty.

For those of us who are Christian, the definition of Mercy would be the discretionary power of God to withhold punishment despite the fact you may deserve it. 

To not allow you to die in your natural, sinful state. 

To put His loving arms of protection around you despite the fact you actually deserve to deal with the consequences of your actions. 

Never to be confused with Grace, but Mercy is to not get what you deserve. To withhold punishment. 

So, I got thinking about the many many MANY  times God extended His Mercy upon me..

The time I was going a little bit too fast down a dark and curvy road in the country, listening to some crazy rap music and I didn't see the curve in the road until I was in it. Flipped my car 5, 6, 7 times.. As I was rolling over, I saw headlights pass by going in the opposite direction, which means I avoided hitting and possibly killing someone else. Last thing I remembered was saying Lord Have Mercy on me. And the car stopped. I climbed through the drivers window and walked with just a scratch on me knee. 
And Im not going to tell you that the driver's side of the roof was completely smashed down. They wondered how I got out the car.

And His Mercy endureth forever. 

Or being strangled five times by the hands of a man I was shacking up with when God told me in my dreams to leave. 

And His Mercy Endureth Forever. 

OR the time I was up late at some ungodly hour, putting posters up on my wall, I smelled smoke, looked out the window and saw flames shooting up the side of the building. I was the first one to call 911, and when I made it out the building, the very spot I was sitting at was ablaze. 

And His Mercy Endureth Forever. 

Or finding out about my ex being HIV+ (the same man who strangled me) only to find out that I had been spared from being infected. 

And His Mercy Endureth Forever. 

Or when I turned my back on Jesus being the Son of God and became Muslim and he didn't allow me die in such a state.

And His Mercy Endureth Forever. 

I could probably go on endlessly about such scenarios. The problem with being headstrong and stubborn is God had to give me situations that will jolt my head around as He screams at me...

Daughter, don't you realize how much I love you? 

How dare I say, I feel unworthy and unloved by God when He has shown me His Love for me repeatedly? How dare I say he had turned His back on me? How dare I say He doesn't answer my prayers? Heal my hurting heart? That he hasn't delivered me from darkness?? How dare I say that about MY GOD!! 

Father God, I repent of all feelings of not being loved, not being worthy, as IF you did not have me in the loving protection of Your arms while I was in the midst of my sins.. 


"Don’t you see how wonderfully kind, tolerant, and patient God is with you? Does this mean nothing to you? Can’t you see that his kindness is intended to turn you from your sin?" (Romans 2:4 NLT)

Friday, November 2, 2012

Day 2 of 30 Days of Thanksgiving: The Simplicity of a Child's Faith

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." (Heb. 11:1 NKJV)

On All Saints Eve (Halloween), I got sooo annoyed. My neighbor invited us to her Mom's house for a Costume kind of party, where the kids get together, play, go trick or treating for a few blocks, etc...

It started going downhill when I found out the neighbor got off late from work and would not be able to come and get us. So we had to get on the bus and go a bit of a way to get to her mom's house. I get over to that side of town, an area Im not at all familiar with, and cannot seem to find the location because one of the other people who lived in the building I first went to said she didn't know who I was talking about! So we walked a little bit, hoping to see her car sitting outside and then my phone died and I did not have her phone number committed to memory. So I used MiniMe's phone to message her through Facebook, hoping she would get the alert on her cell phone. 

At this point,  I am beyond tired because I wasn't expecting to have to take MiniMe over there. The agreement was she was suppose to come back to the house to get her, busy she got off work late and she didn't get a chance to tell me until the time she was suppose to pick her up that she wasn't going to be able to come this way so now I've got to get myself together to go after getting MiniMe together. I just wasn't up for it I tell ya!! I finally get out of the door, the buses are taking a long time and are crowded with other trick or treaters, just to get over there and not be able to find the exact location. So then Im wishing that I had just taken her to our church for All Saint's Eve, but I had already told MiniMe that her costume would not be exactly appropriate for church plus she wanted to go trick or treating, something she would not have been able to do had we gone to the church.

So then I see the bus that would take us right over to the church door and I say if she doesn't respond back by time the next bus come.. we are going to the church!!!

MiniMe, of course, is crushed. Then on what was probably MiniMe's prayer, the neighbor called MiniMe's phone and gave us the directions to go back to the house we first went to 30 minutes earlier. By time we got back over there after an hour and half of traveling, they had already taken the kids trick or treating and so then my baby just sat down and just looked sooooo sad and my heart broke. 

Then my neighbor said to take her this was and that way for a couple of blocks, but its almost 7 and trick or treating over here is suppose to stop at 6 and they are pretty strict about not giving out candy after 6pm. 

"2 Then Jesus called a little child to Him, set him in the midst of them, 3 and said, “Assuredly, I say to you, unless you are converted and become as little children, you will by no means enter the kingdom of heaven. 4 Therefore whoever humbles himself as this little child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven." (Matt 18:2-4)

But away we went, and my baby, with her sunshiney disposition says with the positive conviction that a 9 year old child can muster up, "thats ok Mommy, I bet SOMEBODY is going to give me some candy." She was ever so thrilled to go skipping and running down the block looking for lights that were still on, looking at the various decorations, and even more happy that 2 or 3 houses did in fact, still have their lights on, still had candy and she was able to get some. She was able to still enjoy the thrill of Homeowners attempting to scare the children. LOL

She had faith.

She refused to be disappointed.

She refused to give up hope.

All was well in her world. She was good. Satisfied. Content.

I am feeling kind of blessed, that in this ONE instance, she did as I said, and not as I do. Somehow, or another, I had planted that mustard seed of faith in her and it was strong enough to withstand my negative attitude. 

All I could think about was my own frustrations.. cold.. wishing I had a car.. wishing we had went to the church... never trying to make the best out of the situation at hand and here she was having a sunny disposition on ALL  of it.

SOMEBODY is going to give me some candy Mommy. 

In that moment, I learned sooo much from my own kid. About Faith. About being content. About really being satisfied with being content and relearned the lesson about how being satisfied with contentment does not mean we are settling. 

For many of us, we would have never gotten beyond our own frustrations, that we would have never had the faith that it would work out for the best. We would have never made the best of it anyway despite the circumstances. We would not have been satisfied. Nor content. And we most certainly would have probably felt CHEATED. Whatever we may have managed to get, we may have had feelings of discontentment, as if it wasn't enough. Succumbing to darkness and never for moment thinking to use the Power and Spirit of God within us to speak LIGHT into the situation at hand. Never having that mustard seed of faith. 

We can learn a lot from a Child's Faith. 

So on Day 2 of 30 Days of Thanksgiving, I am thankful for being able to learn the simplicity of a Child's Faith. I am thankful for being able to see MiniMe put into action, "speaking as if it already were". Im thankful my daughter did not succumb to my negative attitude.I am thankful she was able to keep a positive disposition. To piggyback off of yesterday's message, Im thankful my child, my precious MiniMe, for being able to use the Power and Spirit of God in her to speak LIGHT into existence. Finally, I am thankful to God for granting me His Mercy, and allowing me to see MiniMe's faith in action. 

People brought babies to Jesus, hoping he might touch them. When the disciples saw it, they shooed them off. Jesus called them back. “Let these children alone. Don’t get between them and me. These children are the kingdom’s pride and joy. Mark this: Unless you accept God’s kingdom in the simplicity of a child, you’ll never get in.” (Luke 18:15-17 Message)

She had faith. 

She spoke her candy (LIGHT) into existence. 

And it was good. 

Sooo very good. 

Now, about that dentist bill... ehhhhhh LOL

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Day 1 of 30 Days of Thanksgiving: LIGHT!!

This is the month of Thanksgiving.. and each day, Im going to make a valued effort of posting what I am thankful for. Sooo for today..

Genesis 1:3-5 3 And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light. 4 God saw that the light was good, and he separated the light from the darkness. 5 God called the light “day,” and the darkness he called “night.” And there was evening, and there was morning—the first day.

When I first joined my church and started attending women's prayer EVERY Saturday, this was probably one of my very first lessons.. my AHA moment.. and epiphany if you will..

Light is that thing that separates us from darkness. Light being everything that is...

8 Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things. Philippians 4:8

And let us not forget those things such as holiness, salvation, heaven, peace, love, joy, kindness, understanding, compassion, empathy, truth, goodwill, charity, faith, overcoming, conqueror good health, a sound mind and SALVATION... meditate on these things too.. for they represent LIGHT. 

Darkness being: sin, guilt, shame, idolatry, wickedness, deceit, evilness, ignorance, defeat, greed, death, lust, pride, poverty and hell.

And the beauty of that is... God SPOKE Light into existence. And WHO is the Light? The Light of the City? The Light of the World? The Light of Mankind? The True Light? The Light Who came into the World? The Sun of Righteousness? The one Whose Light Shines sooo Brightly he is the ONLY one to drive out darkness?

Jesus Christ. Our Bright and Morning Star shining ever over the Heavens and the Earth lives inside of us. We have the Power and Spirit of God living inside of us THROUGH Jesus Christ to speak life, LIGHT, into our lives.. into existence provided we have that tiny mustard seed of faith. The Power of the tongue is life or death. Just like when God said on that first day, let there
be LIGHT, and then there was. And it was good. Very Good.

4 But you, brethren, are not in darkness, so that this Day should overtake you as a thief. 5 You are all sons of light and sons of the day. We are not of the night nor of darkness. 6 Therefore let us not sleep, as others do, but let us watch and be sober. 7 For those who sleep, sleep at night, and those who get drunk are drunk at night. 8 But let us who are of the day be sober, putting on the breastplate of faith and love, and as a helmet the hope of salvation.  (1 Thess 5:4-8)

Today, I am thankful for LIFE. 


The only thing that can drive out darkness. 

And it is so. 

When People Don't Understand Something...

...they have no compassion. NONE.

I have a feeling this will be one of those blogs in which everyone reads and no one responds, Im guessing because, people just feel unfomfortable?? SMH

So, I am in a support group on Facebook for those of us with Idiopathic Hypersomnia. And a young college student posted below:

"Need help please. I cannot wake up on my own, I fear losing my job @ this point, Ive already been through the EEO process and have a reasonable accommodation that says I need to call or report to duty within 1 hour of scheduled time. The problem is my Mom is frustrated with waking me up & today she just left me in bed & I missed a whole ay of work (again)....and I cannot find any way to get up on my own... I have 7 alarms including 2 sonic boom with bed shakers and the 220 dB screaming meanie... I would do anything, Ive thought about a dog shock collar, but cannot figure out how to set it off at a certain time. I am currently on Nuvigil & Ritalin. My doctor says Xyrem wont help. I need some sort of help... I'm desperate" 

I read this, and tears burned my eyes and I felt sooo bad for her because I understand. I understand how it feels when people "don't get it" about needing help waking up. Or they don't understand why you cant just pop up like they do. People's lack of understanding and not getting it or maybe not even wanting to get it, leads them to be COMPASSIONLESS. It may actually take some coaxing, shaking, SOMETHING (except pouring water on my face) to pull you out of sleep paralysis or sleep drunkeness.. or that you may need that room to sleep without hearing the following:

Well, if you don't get up, you will get left. (Oh, stress about getting left will INCREASE the likelihood of not being able to awaken.)

 Im not helping you get up because I can get up just fine.

The whispers, I would hear from the other room,

"man, she is just lazy, she isn't trying to take care of her kid, I dont understand why she is always sleep or trying to sleep"

Funny thing about this thing called sleep paralysis.. Most times, you can still HEAR.. Sleep paralysis for many is usually the inability to move or speak, your brain is technically sleep, but you may still have the ability to HEAR.

'Well, Im sleepy and tired too and I get up just fine."

Nawwww, this aint where its at either. The biggest issues for those with Idiopathic Hypersomnia is, you can sleep that 8-10 hours and still feel as if you have been awake for 48 hours and then took some Benadryl and feel like this... EVERYDAY of your life.

 "Well, she must be depressed." 

Nope. Usually I wasn't. Although depression and hypersomnia are linked for some, people are usually misdiagnosed with depression. From what I have discovered, sufferers will become depressed because of the effects of hypersomnia and the inability to get stuff accomplished. Which also makes you feel like what people are saying about you are true. That you are lazy, unmotivated, lack will power, etc... and this type of depression that is caused by the effects of having hypersomnia, will cause stress and further the need for sleep. Also, the more you are not able to get done, the more you become overwhelmed by ALL of it, the more likely you are to crash to a sleep attack. A vicious little cycle it is..

"Well, when the alarm clock goes off, just get up." 

 Well, if we actually HEARD the alarm clock in the first place, I probably wouldn't be writing this blog right now. IJS And ummmm no... IF we hit the snooze button, chances are, we aren't aware that we have done so.

The onset for this is usually in the teenage years and is usually not diagnosed until it has become life altering and usually unbearable sometime in the late 20s-30s. Imagine that. A lifetime of feeling like a lazy savant only to not have it discovered until it is UNBEARABLE. Im learning that many people take advantage of having the ability to wake up. Be extremely thankful if you have an internal alarm clock to wake you up early every morning ,or you can get up the first time you hear the alarm clock and better yet, be thankful you can actually HEAR the alarm clock.

I've been a little quiet lately. Quiet about myself. Sooo here is what's going on..

I had to take an emergency medical leave of absence from work because I was not able to wake up and was consistently sleeping past my scheduled start time and would either be a couple of hours late, or so drunk with sleep and having a severe case of sleep paralysis, that I couldn't get out the bed and was calling off sick PAST the time I was due in for work. They got mad at me due to this scenario because they (understandably) were unable to rely on what time I would be able to show up to work. On the last occasion of not being able to get up and called off past the start of my shift, once I was able to get up, went to the doc and he agreed, I needed to sit out for a few weeks while the meds kick in. And now the job is mad at me for abruptly leaving and are making claims of not holding my positions. Yea. OK.

And yes, these are the same meds I was having a devil of a time getting because of the hard time Express Scripts was giving me for approval. I sat there and watch the doc wrestle the approval from them over the phone.

Once I saw the cost of the meds, I then understood why they were giving me such a hard time.

Soooo, I say all this to say, I don't want your pity, or for you to feel sorry for me, BUT if you can't pray for me, have compassion, understanding and can't be of any assistance or help, then please, stay away from me. Right now, I am forced to allow some stuff to go on that I would rather not be in the position to HAVE to allow and Im not too inclined to continue to witness people's "dismissal" attitudes about this thing that finally has a name.

 And yes, I am going to beat this thing!!

"Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has NO ONE to help them up." -Ecclesiastes 4:8-10

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Normalcy? Is There REALLY Such a Thing??

Sometimes I crave normalcy. No scratch that. I desire, wish and want with everything that is Holy in me and on the earth, I want normalcy!!!

I wish my life went that "normal" route. Yanno the one. Where you grew up normal, had a big circle of friends. You went away to college. Finished. Started your career. Went to grad school while working. Finished. You meet The One. The One proposes to you in the most magnificent of ways. You accept the proposal. Have the ability to plan the most fantastic wedding.  Get married. THEN. Start having kids. Your life is filled with fun, laughter and an awesome circle of friends and family. Everyone just LOVES you to pieces. People seem to go out of their way to WOW you. Your life is filled with love and happiness and joy. Surprise parties are frequently given in your honor. You are never left out. Most certainly are never on the  outside looking in. A problem arises and people go out of their way to help you. Life may get difficult at times, but you get through it because of your wide support system. They always have that unblinding faith in God being in their lives cuz almost EVERYTHING works out for them in their favor, for they have never experienced real problems, as in the kind, people tend to shy away from cuz they really don't know how to deal with your brand of issues. Yanno, their life is... for lack of a better word, CHARMED.

I do not begrudge anyone their CHARMED life, but I often wonder why my life had to start the way it did. Continue the way it has. What purpose does it really serve?

This may seem like a fallacy of some sort. However, I do know actual people whose lives are exactly like the one I described. In fact, I know of a GREAT many people like that. And sometimes, it leaves me so very sad about my own life. Especially if I think about it too hard.

And NO, Im not depressed!!! Im not having a pity party. I just want to know WHY? And what was or IS the PURPOSE???

Sooo, let me give you my list of WISHES.

I wish I did not know first hand what it feels like to feel unwanted, unloved, bothersome, worthless and isolated. These are the first feelings Ive ever remember feeling as a child.

Sometimes, if I am really in that special place, I wish she would have just given me up for adoption once she really realized she couldn't handle being a mother. I know my life would have definitely been different, especially if I had gone to the family who was willing to take me in.

I wish I was allowed to have a social life growing up. To actually know what my home phone number was. To not have a lock on the rotary phone. Or the mouthpiece removed from the handset. I was never really allowed to hangout with kids my age. And after awhile, I was known as the kid with problems. And you know how kids act around kids with problems? If not teasing, taunting and bullied, then always left out. Who really wants to be bothered with that kid with all the problems??

I wish that by time I had gotten to college, I had learned how to be social. That I was that person everyone wanted to be around. Instead, whatever I had on me earlier that said "problem" was still there and I really didn't fair too much better socially in college. No lifetime friends made there either.

I wish I had a normal family. In which socializing, visiting each other, shopping, going out to dinner etc... was a normal part of family life. Where talking and laughing was easy going, instead of forced politeness because of that elephant that is always in the room that everyone ignores and no one talks about. Instead of, when going to visit and you are left by yourself in one room, while they are upstairs in their room watching some show they have probably seen hundreds of times. And God forbid, you dare bring up that elephant in the room.. then you find yourself ostracized.

I wish I had been diagnosed EARLIER with 2 sleep disorders that didn't have a name for years. It would have saved me so much grief from feeling lazy, depressed, unmotivated, and a loser and like I will never amount to much in life because I couldn't push myself enough. Well, upon finding out I just wasn't able to simply push myself, but trying not to accept a form of preconceived defeat that it is here, this is what this really is, and there really is not much to be done about it.

I wish people didn't give me funny and/or disbelieving looks when I tell them of this disorder.  I keep telling myself, well maybe its cuz they don't understand it. For we are quick to dismiss what we don't understand because a person doesn't LOOK like they have a problem.

I really wish people would quit telling me that I am depressed as to why Im sleeping so much!!

I wish people would understand that I do not wish nor want this upon myself. If it seems as if I keep talking about it, it is because that it has only had a name for about 6 months. Im still learning how to deal with it.. how to try and avoid it... how to not succumb to it...

I wish people could understand that this simply is not a mind over matter thing. I cannot simply put my mind over this matter at hand IF my brain decides to shut off and go to sleep.

I wish people wouldn't say.. that they are tired too.. for they really wouldn't know tired... imagine being awake for 48 hours, taking some Benadryl or Nyquil, and then forcing oneself to stay awake for 24 more hours... if you can actually grasp that concept.. then you can  actually begin to TRY to understand and gain a true understanding as to the sheer exhaustion I feel on a daily basis.

I wish I didn't feel uncomfortable in the ONE place I never thought I would feel uncomfortable.

I wish that it isn't JUST ME dealing with everything BY MYSELF, all the time, no help, no support. No nothing. The guilt behind leaving my daughter to fend for herself when my body involuntarily shuts down to sleep really is unimaginable.

I wish people wouldn't offer to be an ear if I need someone to talk to. Only for me to see the sheer dread on their face when I approach them. Cuz they are never quite sure exactly what the problem is going to be. This. Time.

I wish I didn't have that ability to read or sense the dread in people. But after a lifetime of always being in need, or always needing some help, or help in figuring something out, you are able to see it, sense it, & feel it.. in the inner core of your soul. And believe me when I say, it is a HORRIBLE feeling. I always end up giving them an out, so they don't feel bad for dreading me approaching them nor having to come up with an excuse as to why they cant give me that ear they offered.

I wish people wouldn't ask me how I am doing, when REALLY? They know they really don't want to know. And I know, they really don't want to know. Whenever someone asks me how Im doing, I cringe and manage or try very hard..  to avoid the question.

I wish my smile could easily return to my face. But my forced smile is one which hides many unshed tears.

I wish I knew what is really going on in my unseen world. For there is always something going on to unearth my foundation. I mean, I know and fully understand EVERYBODY goes through stuff... but the stuff I go through is stuff that turns my world completely and utterly UPSIDE DOWN. And it never seems to STOP!

And then, I learned about generational curses. And I REALLY wished I never learned about that. You ever known a family where bad things continually happen to them and they can NEVER seem to make it, despite how HARD they try? Everything they try ends up failing. And now, I FULLY am starting to understand how my life is the way it is. It is by some kind of design that Im paying for, for whatever my ancestors did.

I wish I could ask for help. But again, after a lifetime of always having to ask.. always having to be in need of something, I simply cannot stand or bare.. to ask.. for ONE MO THANG!  I will accept if offered, not that I am waiting for people to offer, because when they do offer, I feel extremely uncomfortable.. as if.. why haven't I managed to get myself together YET?  I now find myself, ducking, dodging and hiding.. trying to avoid people offering. hoping they don't seek me out.. because when they offer, it brings painful tears to my eyes.

I wish ONE thing in my lfe could be handed to be. Instead of fighting to the death, uphill, with one shoe on in 3 feet of snow... fighting with everything that is within me... for ONE small THING
I wish my daughter wouldn't say things like, it makes me sad you never have anyone to celebrate your birthday with you and your last party was when you were 5. OR it's not fair that Daddy has a wife and you are still by yourself. Well kiddo, I really wish, you didn't have that kind of understanding regarding the person that is your mother.

I wish my daughter never knows what it is like to be excluded. Only to see the fleeting hint of disappointment in her face, once she realized she was in fact, excluded. It pained me to see her shrug it off, as if it was no big deal. It pained me even further to know she was excluded, because her mother is ALWAYS excluded.

I wish I wasn't the one who is always on the outside looking in. Always the last one to join the group. to not know what has happened. I wish it wasn't so hard to penetrate those established circles of friendships in which I always find myself excluded from.. despite my best efforts.

I wish and pray.. this curse that seems to be upon me.. never touches her.

I wish I could join some kind of sisterhood of some sort. When Ive inquired in the past about how to join one I was interested in.. I was greeted with an odd lock.. almost one of disdain. I was ready to chalk it up as to me being paranoid, until she said those fateful words.. ummmm you have to be INVITED in.. oh thats right.. silly me... exclusionary rules are always in play.

I wish my relationship with God did not coincide with the then flourishing relationship with him. For I was able to relate the intangible love of God with the perceived tangible love from him and it literally had me floating on air.. for 2 years..  Or so I thought. When I realized a year ago, I needed to put the brakes on him, I spiritually bottomed out.. and Ive not yet.. bounced completely back. Most people are able to recall that one person that gives them a partial clue as to what God's Agape love feels like, either through a parent, loved one, spouse.. somebody.. I can honestly say.. I really don't know what that feels like. And its especially difficult to realize that this person.. will probably never go above and beyond.. to put that action behind that verb that is love.. and *show me* that I am in fact, the best thing since sliced bread. I am at the point in my life that anything that isn't *showing* me.. is mere lip service. I remember all the times in my life... especially recently..when I put the action behind that particular verb.. and now I feel a fool for it wasn't reciprocated... nor will it ever be.

I wish I never discovered what God's purpose is for my life... for it seems like Ive been going through hell ever since I finally gained the courage to reveal that.. and my life has literally been hell ever since.

I wish and pray and wish a pray some more... that God will send me that husband I so desire that He knows will be suited just for me... I desperately need some HELP... someone who will understand and not judge me. Someone who is willing to accept me for who I am, who willing to remember what it is I forget.. who is willing to wake me up when I sleep past 5 alarm clocks.. someone who really "gets it" without me having to do a bunch of explaining.

And finally, I wish more than anything.. that prayers for myself are answered. I am grateful that ALL of my prayers for my daughter are ALWAYS answered.. but for myself.. not so much. I pray I can one day understand the reasoning as to why.

but as they say.. Wish in one hand... ________ in the other.. and see which ones fills up quicker.

My 39th Birthday is fast approaching. I am not depressed. I am not filled with dread. I am not throwing a pity party. I am not insecure about who I am and whose and Whom I belong to.  I am facing some pretty hard cold facts about myself and my life for I have realized that as each year passes by.. nothing has really gotten any better for myself..  facing the reality that things regarding me has in fact gotten worse as each year passes by.

So now it is time for me to really, truly and completely withdraw, reflect, pray, and seek a divine revelation as to HOW to make my life completely turn around. For Good!

Until then.. ~Be Blessed~