Monday, November 8, 2010

Love the HELL Out of 'em.... AGAPE

I sought counseling yesterday in regards to my mother... It is something to have to confess with your mouth (or email) that your heart is hardening and you are having feelings of hatred towards your mother. But Ive learned that to confess that which you are ashamed of means that the devil can't hide... The devil loves and will hide in your shame and he will manifest that shame in you... However, I was nervous as virgin in a whore house!! smh LOLOL

So anywaysss....

I was told that it was alright if I chose to distance myself from my mother & protect my daughter from her toxicity.. I can still obey the 5th commandment and Honor & Respect her from a distance and that being a child of God includes loving those who are our adversaries. I have to find the strength thru the God that is in me to just keep loving her.. Praying for her... I am commanded to do so...

So the next time she comes with foolishness I have to find a way to tell my mother that she is sick and needs to get help. I have to find a way to tell her without being LISA and by using the Spirit of God that is within me to say I am going to pray for your deliverance. And to say I command your demons to leave you in the name of Jesus. I have to fully realize that she is sick.. realize with my spirit and not my flesh. My flesh tells me that crazy people play sane everyday and that in so many ways they make a conscious choice to be that way. I can no longer think that way, but I have to allow myself to be guided by my spirit. The spirit that is within me that contains my joy, love, peace, the love of God, gratitude, deliverance and all other things that are so good and lovely.

The joy of the Lord IS MY STRENGTH and I shall no longer be swayed.

I was given some versus that in less than 24 hours time has become my life line. I have to stop seeking a fleshly love and desire a love that nourishes my spirit.

God's Love & Ours 1 John 4:7-21 (NIV)

Beloved, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. this is how God showed his love among us: he sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we love God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Beloved, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us. We know that we live in him and he is us, because he has given us of his Spirit. And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, "I love God" yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen cannot love God, whom he has not seen. And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother.

Not only love her.. I also have to have faith in God that He is a miracle worker and will heal my mother and our relationship.. Still not holdin my breath.. but I still gotta have that faith and I gotta admit.. thats a hard one... but I have to be obedient.

Faith in the Son of God 1 John 5:1-12

Everyone who believes that Jesus is the Christ is born of God, and everyone who loves the father loves his child as well. This is how we know that we love the children of God: by loving God and carrying out his commands. This is love for God: to obey his commands. And his commands are not burdensome, for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith. Who is it that overcomes the world? Only he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God. Thisis the one who came by water and blood-- Jesus Christ. He did not come by water only, but by water and blood. And it is the Spirit who testifies, because the Spirit is the truth. For there are three that testify: The Spirit, the water and the blood and the three are in agreement. We accept man's testimony, but God's testimony is greater because it is the testimony of God which he has given about his Son. Anyone who believes in the Son of God has this testimony in his heart. Anyone who does not believe God has made him out to be a liar, because he has not believed the testimony God has given about His Son. And this is the testimony: God has given us eternal life, and this life is in his Son. He who has the Son has life, he who does not have the Son of God does not have life.

~Be Blessed~

Sunday, October 31, 2010

An Impending Sense of Doom

Ive been feeling a lil funny lately.. couldn't quite put my finger on it... it started when The MiniMe was left at school past her pick up time and the associated feelings that go along with that cuz Ive yet to find that prized Monday-Friday gig that will eliminate the evening and weekend deal... Which brought feelings of being trapped in this tiny apartment...

Then the situation of being disowned by my mother. Enuff said on that...

Now.. I got the call last night from Mister telling me that his mother (affectionately known as Ma Barker in my prior blogs) had an aneurysm on Friday, had surgery and is currently in a coma and its not looking too good at the moment... not good at all.. he was bawling on the phone.. literally bawling and all ill feelings were put aside for the moment as I felt very very bad for him.. although she was often times the source of Mister & I's dysfunction, cuz she is a rabblerouser, I know that he loves his mama very much... but then too there is that karma aspect of it all....

Be that as it may my daughter and her Grandma Dorthy are very close.. thick as thieves close... See.. MiniMe (Mister's first child as well) was the last grandchild to be born after all of her other grandchildren were already grown.. when her other grandchildren were born she was busy being free from her own six kids and her abusive husband and was running the streets... drinking & partying.. the whole bit...

Anyways.. cirrhosis of the liver and diabetes eventually put a halt to all of that and by time MiniMe came along she had settled down into her seniorhood... she took care of her every day while Mister & I both worked 2 jobs plus took care of her while we both were sleeping and trying to rest... As MiniMe got into toddlerhood.. she would abandon Mister & I for her grandma.. couldnt get that lil rascal to sleep in her own bed cuz she was snuggled up under her Grandma daring for either of us to say anything to her.. pfffft LOLOL

MiniMe had normalcy with Grandma Dorthy and for that I am eternally grateful.

I say all this to say I personally feel some kind of doom. This is happening at the worst time (not that death is ever timely) for me emotionally, due to my own mother, and financially because if I have to make a trip to Georgia due to her death, Im not gonna be able to move to that 3 bedroom apartment in December. I havent yet cried about the situation with my own mother.. I feel a certain coldness... a hardening of my heart if you will almost bordering on hatred and that is bothering me a great deal.. I am praying on it constantly and praying for a revelation in this matter. Cuz the only thing I feel is being revealed to me is to remove toxic people from my life and my mother surely is toxic. Her disowning me if you will is a feeling of relief to be honest. And that too is troubling me.

Also, I now have to be the bigger person, yet again, in regards to Mister. I know I am going to have to be there for him in some aspect as well as for my child... I know he doesn't have the money to send for her being as I haven't received child support in almost 3 months now. And I am not so cold as to demand that he be solely responsible for getting MiniMe there... It is going to be on me to put my ill feelings aside and be supportive when really my flesh wants to bash Mister upside his head with a brick whenever I see him.

*Edit* When I say be there for Mister.. I mean in regards to having my child there with him.. MiniMe needs to be with her father doing this time.. she needs and deserves to have closure in this matter.... I am not going to simply allow her to miss out on her Grandmother's funeral.. thats not even a possibility...

Worst yet... this is going to devastate my precious MiniMe... she hasn't had to deal with death yet and this is simply going to crush her... Please please please pray for my baby.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Im not complaining but...

...I will be soooo glad when my days of rushing are over... running out of the job half cocked to go allllll the way south to get MiniMe... actually made it out of work a couple of minutes early and OF COURSE the train is delayed...


calling when Im almost at her school for them to send her downstairs... of course she didn't have her coat on when I got there.. she is sitting there chillaxxing! Not a care in the world...


Get to the bus... he is late...

*taps foot*

get to the train station and runs down the stairs and the train pulls off...


Still gotta stop and get her something to eat and OF COURSE im gonna be late to class.


Of course.

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Wednesday, October 27, 2010

True to Form...

Another Love Letter from Moms and a pendant I gave her was given back. ANDDD she used my government name...

oh... and lets not forget that she told MiniMe when she dropped her off at school this morning to let her know when I find a normal mother. She sooooooo doesn't wanna go there with me.

The 5th Commandment...

For a long long long time.. I would not stand up to my mother or hold my ground with my mother for fear of disobeying the 5th Commandment.. "honor thy father and thy mother". I would not tell her how I felt or the truth as I saw it. I would not tell her the error of her ways against not only me but also against my daughter. I would not tell her how hurt I was over her abuse as I was growing up.

Ive realized that in my silence Ive allowed her to think that her brand of foolishness is alright.

Moms is a vengeful mom. Moms one time threw out $400 worth of blue topaz & gold jewelry I bought her for Christmas because she was upset with me because I had the nerve to be honest with her. How dare I.

Moms is one to take down pictures of me. throw away or give back gifts I have given her. moms will turn the tables in a heartbeat and tell me how Im wrong for being upset at her selfishness.

Moms will send me one way emails bawling me out & then blocking my email address so I cant respond.

I took it all in silence. Never uttered a word.

I am no longer that 10 year old little girl who is afraid to open her mouth. I am almost 37 years old now and it is time for this brand of fudgery to stop.

the cycle of dysfunction, lunacy and sheer madness stops right here. right now.

for years I stayed away from Christianity because while I was growing up.. Moms got *ahem* saved in the Catholic church. The only problem was that she was still a demon at home. She was still abusive, she never changed her ways with me... at any given day, moment or time I was a nasty little bitch. Her moods depended upon what man was messing up at that moment.. She was/is a hypocritical Christian as far as I am concerned and I stayed far far far away & removed from anything that started with Christ.. if that was what Christianity was I wanted no parts of it.

She never seems to realize or fully understand that she treats/treated me exactly as her mother treated her. But she says I should be grateful that I didn't suffer as badly as she did.

*blank stare*

I am praying really hard right now that anger doesn't not take centerfold in my life right now. I am praying really hard for the spirit of hatred to leave my heart, mind, spirit and soul.

My daughter will not know this brand of madness.. My daughter will only know love and happiness and joy and consistency and dependency and reliability. I pray my daughter will be attached and stay attached to me for all of the years of my life. My daughter will not know what the excuse of well "hurt people hurt people". I am hurt.. but I will not under any circumstances hurt her because of my hurt.

For once I stand up for myself and stand my ground and she says I was being disrespectful. and then wanted to know if thats what Im learning at my new church.


she heard the dial tone to that one.

When I was in Georgia fight Mister... My attorney, a man of God, met her.. having no knowledge of our dysfunction he turns to me and says that he would never put her on the witness stand.. that she is "pure evil" in her soul and said that he would pray for me to break the cycle. Imagine that.. a man who didn't know her from Adam was able to discern her evil spirit.

Well... this is the final straw for me.. Since she has disowned me.. Let her go in peace.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

The Cycle of Domestic Abuse...

...almost always start when the now woman was a child.. she is typically one who was raised in an abusive and unloving home.. where pain and suffering equates being loved....

I remember when I was in the throes of dealing with Mister. Moms calls out of the blue in tears apologizing for not showing me what love is.. she felt that i was with Mister cuz I didnt know what love should really feel like.. how love should not hurt.. she knew I didnt know what love should feel like because the only love that she showed was the kind of love that hurts...

and being the abused child that i was.. I didnt want her to feel bad for the abuse I suffered at her hands so I said noo thats not it.. thats not it.. just to make her feel better...

My mother disowned me today.. disowned me by proclaiming our so called mother/daughter relationship as being over..

One thing I can verily say that abusers have one thing in common: and thats the ability to turn the tables and make YOU feel bad for the abuse you suffered through at their hands...

How she gonna disown ME? Im not understanding.. Its downright hysterical when you get down to it...

Disowned because I wanted to go to my class at church on saturday before a planned outing.. and I stood my ground.. and how dare I do such...

Im not mad.

nor surprised.

nor disappointed.

nor hurt.

but simply in AWE of the unmitigated gall to disown ME after how she has treated me throughout my whole entire life.



A Love Letter From Moms

That is all.

Monday, October 25, 2010

The Mother...

I write this totally pissed.. moms moms momsssss boy I tell ya...

It is suppose to be that we are taking MiniMe and a friend of hers to the apple farm this Saturday.. and since it was Halloween eve.. there would be special halloween stuff going especially with the hayrides and corn maze...

We go every year.. and usually we go pretty early so The Mother can leave early and retreat to her *sanctuary* where it is she gets comatose on her prescription drugs.. cuz yanno.. after all.. it IS her only day off since she has church on Sunday..

Well this year.. I asked if we could go a little bit later so I can go to my class at church first before we head out.. that way we are not there all day waiting for it to get dark for the corn maze & hayride, she would get to sleep in.. blah blah blah.. i tried to show how it could benefit her as well as me wanting to go to class at church.. well.. a phone call today changed all of that.. silly me to think we can do things that isnt exactly her way for once.. and what was I possibly thinking that should would dare be out all out of the night (till 8pm) and the later it is the more people and whine whine whine moan moan moan... good grief give me a freaking break already... and then she has to get up earrrrrly in the morning to take her friend to church whose walker she has to lift and after being out alll day into the night her back is gonna be hurting and she isn't going to be able to lift the walker into the car...

I gotta admit.. the lady in the walker bit pissed me off... I mean this same lady in the walker was the reason she couldnt watch MiniMe for countless Sundays cuz MiniMe wouldnt have a place to sit cuz the walker is in the back seat... oh and the church ladies are riding with her and whatever shall she tell one of them that she cant pick them up for church because she would have the MiniMe in tow and lets not forget the countless Sunday Masses she missed when MiniMe read or performed during family mass at her school.. I dont think this is what God intends when He wants us to serve Him and the church.. yanno.. all my freaking life... yeah Im pissed and trying to stop cussing (bad combo) Ive had to deal with SO MANY OTHER people, places things and situations coming before me and now us.. first it was the married boyfriend who with us off and on for year whom she finally married.. then it was the many boyfriends in between and lets not forget the beer, lithium and sleep combination that I had to endure.. dammit

When can something be about somebody else besides her?

Ive done had enough of her.. really I have... and she wonders why I wanted to move out the state.. silly me for thinking she was going to change and we would have a relationship once I moved back here... silly me.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

All I Can do is keep Pushing AHEAD!!!!

Last time I wrote I was conquering my internal battle with loneliness...

Well all I can do is finish the story that started with this...

Halfway through the journey I was here...

and so it continues...

On March 30th, I was suppose to be traveling out of state to see The HIM.... a supposed to be a much anticipated trip considering we hadn't seen each other since October...

Let me start my saying that I had a funny feeling when I booked the trip, just a funny feeling. Somehow I knew I wasn't going to see him. A friend of mine who I was talking to about that can testify to that... things between us had gotten a little strange.. misunderstandings coupled with convos by text (never again), our daily convos got strained to say the least...

It could have been a self fulfilling prophecy.. I can always tell when people's behavior changes towards me that something is up.. it could be the smallest thing that I pick up on that later leads to bigger things.  So then on occasion, I would ask if everything is alright between us and that would seem to strain things more...

Soooo 6 days prior to me leaving I am told by him that he will not be able to see me that day. He said that his daughter got a letter from the college she would be attending in the fall saying that an informal parent/student meeting was to occur on the day of my trip. OK. I aint gonna lie, I was maddddd disappointed... my word, then I got to thinking about it, and being that I am fresh out of college and many of my friends have kids going off to school and one thing I would bet my last dollar on is that colleges do not send out *initial* letters 7 days prior to an event at their school, at minimum a letter of that nature will come at least a month in advance, a follow-up letter may come 7 days prior but most definitely not the initial letter. So I waited. One thing I knew for certain is that if he has a day off, or anything good happening about his daughter he is going to talk about it during his daily status update... 

As the day approaches I am making my mental plans. I had a plan B well in place prior to his news as to what I would do for the day and I started finalizing those plans. I said to myself that once I get off the plane, his update will have posted and I will see whats really up. if he says he is going out of town to the school for the day and happy he isn't at work then I know he was telling the truth, if not, Imma find out once and for all whats going on... Unfortunately that wasn't the case. i got off the plane and went and got my rental car. As i waited, I checked Facebook and low and behold a very neutral status update, Nothing about the job, nothing about being off, nothing about traveling out of town.  Soooo the first stop I made was to his job.. No worries, no scenes, thats sooo not my style but I had to follow my hunch and I needed to see if he was lying to me... Drove around the parking and immediately, like within 30 seconds I saw his car.  took a picture of it and sent it to him with the message saying that I was very disappointed in him, that if he didn't want to see me he should have just said so ,that not to worry I am not on some stalker tip, just followed a very strong hunch and ummmm I guess I negative thought my way into this scenario too!!

lemme backtrack for a sec...

After he told me that he would be able to see me I told him that I knew that, that i had a feeling that was going to happen and that I had already had other plans in mind in case this didnt happen. He got a little pissy with me and said that did I ever think that maybe I negative thought my way into this happening??? *blank stare*

Oh.. we on some mind game shit I see.

So of course this is the first thing that came to mind as I saw his car. his reply to my message was to of course say well yeah.. it seems kinda stalkerish... *rolls eyes* but I should know him well enough to know that if he didnt want to see me he would have told me, but he only went in to work to do his morning work and then his daughter came and got him and he left his car there cuz he had to work that night and it didnt make sense to go all the way home. blah blah blah....

ok... so I am marinating on this, i didnt reply and I figured at some point he is going to slip up on facebook. Just so happens, he comments on a friend's status update who was complaining about working a 12 hour day and he say yea I feel ya bruh.. just left my real job and on my way to my second job. 


he doesn't of course know that I know that.. I know he is on that well I haven't given her a reason to doubt me trip.. I am sure he feels that I have no proof therefore he didn't lie... I never did reply to his response and I haven't heard from him since. I know he lied, he knows I know he lied but doesn't feel like there is proof warranted for him to come clean about it.

At the end of the day what I am most hurt about is that the lie was unneccessary whatever the reason... and please believe I have evaluated every reason possible.. I know he had called off some days prior to this day and maybe couldn't afford to take the time off, or it could be .. it could be a myriad of reasons including his not wanting to see me for whatever reason, or maybe he got spooked once I finalized my plans to move in the same city as he, or maybe he thought I was going to come there expecting something or trying to push my way into his life, shit i dont know..  I had hoped I had stressed my point enough that I wasn't moving their for him because that would have been a dreadful mistake, but moving there because of the friendly suggestion HE MADE about how I may be better off financially there because the cost of living is cheaper, the schools are good and I wouldnt have to pay for a private education for MiniMe and would be able to afford a car.  People talk stuff all the time but when things come into fruition.....

I dont know and I am trying my best not to dwell on it too much. I am very hurt by it all, because at the end of the day I expected NOTHING from him, ESPECIALLY not a relationship. I did however expect friendship, honesty, integrity and to treat me with decency. Neither of us were in a position to be in a relationship and I was ok with that. I was happy in knowing that their was nothing wrong with me, that a man would find me desirable and embrace the things about me that I can't stand about myself. but now I have to wonder how much of this was a game for him... How much of it was he sincere about.. I guess what really chaps my hyde is that he knows my whole past and the people I am surrounded by and he turned out not to be much better. I opened myself up to him and gladly gave him parts of myself that I haven't given to any man in years, not even Mister and it wasn't appreciated enough to be told the truth. to know of my financial struggles and not so much as offer to help me recoup my traveling costs since now I had to rent a car as I traveled about the city looking at apartments.  Had he offered when he broke our plans, I would have never gotten suspicious. Thats the funny part about it. LOL

As someone said in a comment on facebook, people will do what they do because at that moment, they feel their actions are only makes sense to them... or something to that effect.. I guess he did what he had to do. *shrugs* I dunno. 

i still have plans to move there.. that has not change. My move wasn't about him, it was about me. One monkey doesn't stop a show. I hate that i will know no one now, but it is what it is.. I have survived worse and i will survive this too.

The tears have finally stopped, still trying to get back to my happy go lucky self. its bad when the customers can see my sadness, this was a friendship (or so I thought) that was over 2 years old. we talked almost daily for almost two years and I miss that. I will have to admit I miss him, or at least who I thought he was. The problem was is that I put too much stock in him I think, that is why I am sooo gravely disappointed. I forgot he was human, with his own selfish needs  and wants, like many of us. 

I guess I am not suppose to admit to any of this because that would mean he got me right? LOL and a man loves to know that he got you like that. I would hate if it came down to being about playin games cuz if he didn't know anything, he knows I am not a game player, Im just not good at it. LOL

I dont know if this is something that can ever be reconciled, only time can tell that.

IF I am wrong.. then it is pretty safe to say that I have made the biggest fool out of myself EVERRR!!! LOLOL

I am hoping that as I put fingers to keys, that I can finally lay this down and let it go... "releasing it thru the pen"

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Im Still Blessed....

Good Morning Fam. Long Time no See. Those of you who have been in my blogging circle for the last 3 years or so have never known me to be quiet. Despite it all, I always talk my way out of it. LOL Thanks all for your well wishes and concern, it was truly appreciated. Sometimes silence is golden. I remember a year ago this time, I was in school getting my paralegal certificate (8 classes in 16 weeks *whew),scraping by on $150/wk, depending on the kindness of strangers just to eat, MiniMe's principal allowed her to stay despite being woefully behind in her tuition and making rent was a MIRACLE. MiniMe didn't get her usual Easter garb (didnt even go to church cuz of allll the homework LOL) and she was satisfied with the colored hard boiled eggs, jelly beans and starbursts I scrapped my pennies together to get for her Easter basket and I realized how far I have come and although Ive yet to embark upon my new career I am still so very very very blessed. Ive come a looooonnnnnng way baby through God's Grace and Mercy! That being said, I don't like for someone to not appreciate the monetary struggles I have been through. I personally have to stop thinking that people will be as honest as I am, for I am honest to a dang fault. I for one would much rather be gravely disappointed by the HONEST TO GOODNESS TRUTH, than irreparably hurt and devastated by an unnecessary lie. I expected NOTHING but friendship, honesty, integrity and decency. Thats all. NOTHING ELSE. All else was a bonus. Despite my verbal blunders (which was brought on by nerves and sheer goofiness lol) my vulnerability DOES NOT equal stupid!! 

Enuff about that...

On vacation this week with MiniMe's spring break! YAY!! (i think lol) Still looking forward to my move, (to Columbus Oh for those of you who don't know) with or without help. Loving the warm weather but hating the violence brought on because of it... Makes me want to get the heck out of dodge just that much more!! SMH

You all have a WONNNNNNNNNNDERFUL week! I know I will be! Much Love to each of you realize you are blessed!!

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Obstacles truly are your blessings.....

First of all, I must say this is the first Valentines (Schmalentine LOL) that I have survived fully intact for the first time ever in my life. Every time that "I am lonely and don't have a husband" feeling came over me I would pray it away with the QUICKNESS!! I almost got caught off guard a time or two, the tears would sting my eyes quickly (cuz Satan moves QUICK doesn't he? LOL) and I would just pray it away!!!

So I went to church this morning very upbeat, joyful, happy, thankful... all that good stuff and once again my Pastor delivered a word I would swear twice on the Holy Bible was just for ME!!!! Pastor has a way of doing that to ya...

The word for today was simply titled "Obstacles" and I have to share it and pray it will be a blessing for someone else as it was for me!!!

Hebrews 12:1-2 (Amp)

1. Therefore then, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses [who have born testimony to the Truth], let us strip off and throw aside every encumbrance (unnecessary weight) and that sin which so readily (deftly and cleverly) clings to and entangles us, and let us run with patient endurance and steady and active persistence the appointed course of the race that is set before us.

2. Looking away [from all that will distract] to Jesus, Who is the Leader and the Source of our faith [giving the first incentive for our belief] and is also its Finisher [bringing it to maturity and perfection]. He, for the joy {of obtaining the prize] that was set before Him, endured the Cross, despising and ignoring the shame, and is now seated at the right hand of the throne of God.

The enemy is waiting to pick you apart, make you feel sorry for yourself, wait until you feel your worse and make you think there could not possibly be a positive outcome and he will stop at NOTHING to put obstacles in your way!!! when you put your trust and faith in God, He will direct your path and keep you safe from those obstacles...

You must look at your obstacles as blessings because it lets you know that you are on the right path and Satan is ALWAYS BUSY tying to keep you from being on the right path!

Pastor said to keep your eye ABOVE your obstacles and keep you eyes fixed up Jesus Christ, the Author and Finisher of our fate! 

So many times, we have our eyes on Christ while obstacles are being thrown on our way but we are still feeling down below with our hands because we are still lacking the faith that God is gonna FIX IT or while we are feeling around below something feels good to us and we are quickly knocked off course from going down the right path. 

Its always easier to do what feels good instead of doing what we know is right isn't it?

Every obstacle that Christ leads you to overcome makes you stronger for the next obstacle because Satan is never finished throwing obstacles in our path.

So the question that begs to be asked is If you had your way 20 years ago and got what you wanted then for yourself right now, would you be where you are right now spiritually?

I know for me the answer is a resounding HECKIE NAWWWW!!!!

For some, the obstacle itself can make us still for we get succumbed by it... We can't see past it in order to move forward towards our destiny. I believe that I would still be the same ungrateful, unthankful, mean person that I used to be and it took for those obstacles constantly being thrown in my path to beat me down and HUMBLE ME. If I had every thing I wanted when i wanted I wouldn't have learned how to be grateful, thankful, or have humility and patience, kindness, etc, etc... Once I put more of my faith in God and His Son and less on myself, my obstacles became made me stronger and stronger, day by day and has given me a clearer vision as to what my destiny is.

The more you trust in God our Father and His Son, the more He will give you. Life is the obstacle course for Eternity.

Amen??? AMEN!!!!!

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Fighting my Internal Warfare of Loneliness...

Whats up all in blog land? It has been a good minutes since I have last blogged! I have been doing pretty good... many things have been happening mostly good, some not. Well, not neccessarily not good, just fighting my own personal battles that I have been trying to conquer. I have been doing pretty good with fighting my internal warfare against fear, doubt, worry, anger, timidness, depression, feelings of worthlessness and feeling unloved. But that one warfare of loneliness is biting clean in the behind and will not let go!!! 

Let's start with this picture.  This is the flight back from seeing Him.  My God, it has never been soo hard for me to leave someone. I cried from the moment the ticket agent handed me my boarding pass, through the entire flight, on the bus, the train and the second bus.  Walking down the street bawling all the way up to my apartment. It really was a sight to see! As I put my key into the lock of my apartment, it came full circle and I knew what I was facing. Being alone again.  For that brief trip, I was able to forget my worries, my troubles and everything else that ailed me and was free to be me and not worry about what someone thinks of me. To be fully accepted for the craziness that is ME is a beautiful thing... too bad... well.. nevermind on that. 

Anywhoo... it took me a couple days.. well who am I kidding? It took me a couple of weeks to recover emotionally from that journey! LOLOL

Meanwhile, HE told me of a church I should try going to that he knew of here in Chicago. HE knew I have been looking for a church home for quite some time so I went. Now, if anyone knows anything about Chicago.. southsiders don't travel to the westside on a consistent basis (unless for a job), especially not to go to church!!! You are talking about a bus and two train rides away! But I went and realized I was thirsty for the Word that is coming from this church. I was instantly at ease (cuz many if not most churches spook me, i can tell that there is or about to be an uprising in the church and that the devil is present) and everyone appears to be so genuine and not full of themselves.  They seem to be so full of the spirit. Anywaysss, after my third visit there, I joined, the day after my birthday I believe. And since that time, I could do nothing but move up up UP!!!! Finally free of so many things that were ailing me. Free form so many burdens that I bare. Free from the constant internal fighting that I do with myself.

i was able to further free myself when a Sister in the church asked me to give my testimony for a women's service. And that I did and I have to say it was sooo very freeing!!! it is one thing to blog about it, quite another to speak about it....

But then there is that one thing that just will not go away: Loneliness.

I was alright through Christmas week. held up pretty well actually. My mother decided to take Christmas off this year and I decided NOT to spend Christmas with her. Long story short... since Me and MiniMe have arrived here almost 4 years ago, my mother chose to work every Thanksgiving and Christmas so that she doesn't feel the need or have to PLAY HOST to me and my daughter. So I am guesssing since the Minime was gone for Christmas, it would be safe just to have me over and I decided not to spend my Christmas with her! I kinda felt bad cuz I can tell she was hurt but heyyyy... that was of her own doing.

Anywaysss... (I feel myself getting winded here so bare with me LOL) New Year's Eve approached and I decided I am going to go to go have a date with God!! I woke up that morning and my status update on Facebook stated:

Good MurrrTing Fam! Happy new Years Eve to ya! Feeling a little reflective this murrnin, all I can do is sing "Thank you Lord for ALL YOU'VE DONE FOR ME!" Yanno Ive never had a New Year's Eve date or been out to celebrate the New Year coming in? Pretty pathetic huh? LOLOL Thats all right, I got a date with God tonight and Imma be goin to CHUUUCH tonight after closing at work!!!! Thank goodness we close at 6! cont...

And all was well in my world!! i was totally cool with my decision for New Year's Eve. No.. I have not ever been out on New Year's Eve, I am usually in the house alone and sleep before the New Year's Eve!! I figured if I brought in the New Year with the love I feel from the church, that love will carry me through this year and for many years to come!  and then someone makes the comment...
"the nye date should be special, someone you care about and want to spend the next year around. being with people I love that love me PRICELESS! :)"
Well... I know it wasn't her intention.... but that begun the downward spiral for me for the New Year! LOL it came full circle that I have NEVER had anyone to bring in the New Year with, Mister really didn't count because it might as well been as if I was alone.  it came full circle once again and I realized once again just how alone I am. So terribly alone. If I need help I have no one to call. If I am having a bad day, I can't just simply pick up a phone and tell somebody about it.  If ever I am in trouble, I am the only one to fend for myself.  I only have myself to rely on and at that moment I was sooo tired. Soo incredibly tired of fighting my battles and carrying my burdens by myself.  I had to force myself to get it together for work and went to work teary eyed, crying on the train and having a darn difficult time pulling myself together.  I had lunch with someone from church that day and it ended up being a blessing because she said to me, Lisa, no matter what you are going through, just stay in the feeling of gratitude.. be thankful for your sight, your health, your daughter, being able to walk, hear...etc... I had to ask her did my face really show my emotions cuz sistah had my number!! LOL Thankfully, as I said, the lunch was a blessing and I managed to get through the rest of my day a little bit better. I brought in the New Year prayerfully.. made my public altar call request of not allowing other people's actions or lack of inaction to disappoint me and how I have spent much of my life in a downtrodden state of mind because I allowed people to disappoint me. Pastor new exactly what I was saying for he said that it was time to follow God's Will to be done and to allow Him to keep me lifted instead of PEOPLE. Amen.
New Year's Day arrives and i find myself still fighting that warfare.  Trying my best to stay upbeat... My status for that day read... 

"GM fam! Happy New Yeara!No more sad tears year! Altar call resolution last nite is no more allowin people in my life 2 disappoint me! Workin 2day! YAY!"

For the day after New Year.. I realized something....

Lisa Roberta Matthews------ needs another distraction.

By Sunday evening... it comes full circle once again...

Sometimes I wonder what it is like to be first in someone's life. Not just being first but KNOWING that U are first N come before all others except God. I can say I have never really experienced that, not from anybody, not even the ones that are suppose 2 from the time you are born... if I do get a whiff of it... it isalways for a fleeting moment N leaves me wanting for more. Thats all for me fam! Good Night!

Monday Morning reads...

GM Fam.. thanks for the love on my status last night. I am presently conquering many of my internal warfare such as fear, doubt, worry, etc... but this loneliness one is really kicking my tail... staying prayed up... thats all I can do. Have a good one.

and by Monday evening.. I am starting to come out of it and realize part of my issue...

I have tried over and over.. I have tried to make it, I couldn't take it, I had to face it That there is no other way without Youuuu (God of course) I am trying my best to get a GRIP! I am determined to pray my way out of this. I am wondering if I am so used to being down that I dont know how to be UP!!! I said for NewYears NO MORE TEARS and I MEANT IT, but I've been crying everrr since! LMAOO

The love on my page was incredible I must say... As always, I was lifted up. But I am realizing what the problem is.. I have been in a downtrodden state for so long, that I have been having grave difficulty being and staying up!! and then i realized something else that I didnt speak about on facebook.. 

For the past couple of years I have been extremely busy. I have been busy dealing with school, work, my daughter, trying to survive, trying to pay her tuition and feed her, trying to keep a roof over our head... busy busy busy so although I was dealing in full circle with my other internal warfares, that loneliness one was kinda at bay. I would feel it on occasion but it was always momentary because I had soooo much to do and so much other stuff to deal with.. such as HOMEWORK!!! lololol

Then the Minime went away for the summer and I was FINISHED with school and was happy to see her go cuz I needed that alone time to sit in this house and look at these four walls in peace, enjoy the quiet and not HAVE to do ANYTHING but chill! LOLOL

Then the baby comes home, and a few days after that I meet the Him and I am fully involved in the whirlwind of having someone new in your life. The morning conversations and the evening chatting, the impromptu phone calls, etc, etc, etc and then slowly but surely, as always, the slow unintentional yet intentional withdrawal began. (I think I gave too much too soon but that is a whole 'nother story) Then all of a sudden.. I am fully aware of the dead space that now exists. I go from having constant distractions to having very few if none at all.  


Dont get me wrong.. I regret nothing concerning HIM. If nothing else, I have gained so much... he has helped me realize that my soul is indeed lit, there is nothing wrong with me, he has helped me find a church home. We have a solid friendship, albeit booty backwards.. he has given me much and i hope I have been able to give him something back besides JUST the pleasure of him knowing me. *wink*

But at the same time, I am left with all this love I have to give somebody and no one to give it too. At times it feels like it is suffocating me.  i buried that part of me for so long, tried to kill that part of me actually and yes I am quite glad to have that love restored in my heart, but it hurts to have it and have no where to go with it. Hurts really bad. 

But as always... I will be alright. i will pick myself back up, brush myself off and face another day with gratitude. I am still hopeful that there is indeed somebody out there for ME only, that i wont have to share. Who will put me first before all others except God.  Who will be more than willing to help me carry my burdens and ease my pain. Someone to come home to, to kiss at the door, and make dinner for. Someone I can love on as much as i possibly can. The only problem is, I hear my biological clock ticking and I feel like my time is running out. Trying really hard not to feel like it is the end of the world if I do not have another baby or two. 

i am trying and praying really hard to open myself up and allow God to reveal himself to me and help me realize what my destiny is.  My Pastor told me I should write a book about my experiences and I think I am going to do just that. She even named it "Lisa's Story". She says my testimony is and can be a blessing to many.. So that is my plan.. that will be my new distraction.. writing a book.
i have rambled on for way longer than I intended. LOL 

At the end of the day.. I want this glow back....

Ok.. I am not trying to whine about the bus scenario, but I just had the scare of my life!! MiniMe was trying to board the bus and for whatever reason the bus kept moving. I am trying to grab her cuz she every time she would try to step on the bus, the bus would move and i would lose my grip and then she would lose her balance. and then the doors almost closed on her! One wrong step and my baby could have been under that bus!! I know I have come a looooooooong way cuz I was so scared I got ANGRY and that kinda angry from the old me would have had that driver snatched out of his chair knowing full well it wasn't his fault. the bus malfunctioned! Thank goodness for God's favor, grace and mercy!