This time, it hit me harder than I expected.
You see, last week I had to cut off someone who I held dear to me because he was too much in my spirit for him to not be my husband and it became a horrible distraction. The ties I felt to him Ive come to learn is an unGodly soul tie simply because I should not have my spirit affected by a man Im not married to and probably will not be with no time in the immediate future, if ever.
But thats a different blog for a different day if I should ever post that blog.
I thought when I cut the ties, I would finally be free, but the devil surely got busy.
I thought I was delivered from the feeling of loneliness, but it seems that I have not.
Birthdays always show just how alone I am in this world, with the exception of God. And I know in my heart , mind and soul it is He I should rely on for companionship, I would be a fool to say that Im content with that.
Although I had become content spiritually in my singlehood, or so I thought anyways, when I cut off the ONE person who I know doesn't judge me and accepts me for me, and finds my quirkiness endearing, someone whom I have had nearly everyday contact with for the last 4-5 years and now...
nothing.
Not so much as a birthday wish, text, message, email, phone call.. nothing from him...
and Im soooo very hurt by that.
the fear of being alone for what seems like forever overwhelmed me..
The nightmares came first. Horrific dreams of me eternally alone. Dreams of my funeral and no one is in attendance. As if I never mattered or as if no one ever cared about me.
The devil is a liar.
Then childhood memories came flooding back, and those memories seem to replay themselves in my dreams as well... Two memories stand out the most...
The first being... when I was growing up, I lived in a 3 room apartment. it was long in length and ran in order of bedroom, short hallway, living room then kitchen. My room was the bedroom and my mother's room was the living room. My mother decided she needed to feel as if she was in the house by herself and so she put up a curtain across the short hallway and I was required to knock on the wall if I wanted to go to the kitchen and get something to eat. Never knowing what kind of mood she would be in, or how venomously she would reply to me when I knocked on the hallway, oftentimes I would be paralyzed in fear. Afraid to go into the kitchen for something to eat because I didn't know what her mood was going to be. So usually I would make sure I at before she came home or wait until she went to sleep, or sit in my room hungry hoping she would remember to bring me something to eat. God forbid if she was off the weekend and didn't go anywhere. Sometimes, I wouldn't see her for weeks. Can you imagine being 10 years old, living in small quarters with your mother and not seeing her for weeks? I hated being alone. absolutely hate it now still to this day. That feeling that no one cares about you is really something to reckon with. Im learning that people who have a host of siblings, cousins, family, friends and always have had a string of significant others if not married for years simply do not understand this kind of loneliness. They seem to think Im just taking myself through something unneccessarily, that God is my comforter and my friend and so on, and although He is, quite simply Im just tired. Tired of facing everything...
ALONE.
Being the only one to look out for me, care about me, love on me.
In the physical sense of course.
Only a fool can say, that despite how much they allow God is in their life, they don't have that physical desire of not being alone.
The second memory that is replaying is one surrounding my birthday itself. When I was growing up, report card pick up time was usually during my birthday week. Oh the sense of dread my birthday would bring me... For whatever reason, the first marking period of the school year was never my best one and that would be when I would get my worse grades. Although I would end the year with all As and Bs, the first quarter grades would almost always see a C or D. Usually ending with me seeing my mother throw my left over birthday cake away and destroying whatever presents she may have bought me.
Psychological damage can last a lifetime. To all parents, please be careful of the seeds you are planting in your children. Bruises heal and pain from beatings can be forgotten, but that psychological abuse is what is most damaging.
Make sure your child isn't living with the devil.
I could probably go on endlessly with the horror stories of childhood... but i will stop here cuz you get the point Im sure.
Im in a dark place right now. Fighting and praying my way back to light. Back to my joy. Im tired of waking up with my eyes nearly swollen shut. When the nightmares run rampant, I have a tendency to cry in my sleep.
My poor baby said to me on my birthday that it is sad that I have no one to celebrate my birthday with, that I only got one card for my birthday and that Ive only had one birthday party, and thats when I was 5. She says my birthdays are always sad, and she hopes that one day, they won't be sad anymore.
I can say... I with her on that one.
They say its all in what you make it. But my personal circumstances have not changed much since my last birthday, or the one before that, and the one before that and the one before that... and I can't really afford to do much.
Im realizing that I need to see a Christian counselor of some sort. Someone who can help me weed through all of these memories that are flooding back and to finally lay my childhood to rest. I wonder so much whyyyy I had to endure what I endured growing up. I need someone to help me to understand why I am always just by myself, despite my best efforts, Im still the unintended loner. People are in my circle, but Im not in theirs and find myself always excluded. I wonder what is it about my personality, even when Im at my happiest that make people take pause. What kind of energy am I giving off? Ive grown sooo much spiritually in the last couple of years and yet here I still am...
ALONE.
In the physical sense of course.
My faith in God hasn't wavered and Im trying my best not to be doubtful, but I wish I could get an answer on how to deal with this constant being by myself. Help on getting over that Ive been mainly the only one, in the physical sense, looking out for ME since I was at least 10. No one to share my burdens with and afraid to ask for anything for fear of being a burden. No one who has my back 100% and without recourse. Im wondering if there really is such a thing or if I am being too idealistic. I need real answers on how to deal with this and not the cliches of on God's time, and when it comes it going to be wonderful and above your wildest dreams and expectations. but REAL ANSWERS.
This is that one thing, that ONE THING, that Ive consistently prayed to God about since I was a little girl and have yet been given. Companionship. I really am trying my best to not mind waiting on God.
Prayerfully, now that Ive put pen to paper, I can get some peaceful sleep.
