All I Can do is keep Pushing AHEAD!!!!

Last time I wrote I was conquering my internal battle with loneliness...

Well all I can do is finish the story that started with this...

http://sistahgurl.multiply.com/journal/item/217/I_feel_as_if...

Halfway through the journey I was here...

http://sistahgurl.multiply.com/journal/item/221/Fighting_my_Internal_Warfare_of_Loneliness...

and so it continues...

On March 30th, I was suppose to be traveling out of state to see The HIM.... a supposed to be a much anticipated trip considering we hadn't seen each other since October...

Let me start my saying that I had a funny feeling when I booked the trip, just a funny feeling. Somehow I knew I wasn't going to see him. A friend of mine who I was talking to about that can testify to that... things between us had gotten a little strange.. misunderstandings coupled with convos by text (never again), our daily convos got strained to say the least...

It could have been a self fulfilling prophecy.. I can always tell when people's behavior changes towards me that something is up.. it could be the smallest thing that I pick up on that later leads to bigger things.  So then on occasion, I would ask if everything is alright between us and that would seem to strain things more...

Soooo 6 days prior to me leaving I am told by him that he will not be able to see me that day. He said that his daughter got a letter from the college she would be attending in the fall saying that an informal parent/student meeting was to occur on the day of my trip. OK. I aint gonna lie, I was maddddd disappointed... my word, then I got to thinking about it, and being that I am fresh out of college and many of my friends have kids going off to school and one thing I would bet my last dollar on is that colleges do not send out *initial* letters 7 days prior to an event at their school, at minimum a letter of that nature will come at least a month in advance, a follow-up letter may come 7 days prior but most definitely not the initial letter. So I waited. One thing I knew for certain is that if he has a day off, or anything good happening about his daughter he is going to talk about it during his daily status update... 

As the day approaches I am making my mental plans. I had a plan B well in place prior to his news as to what I would do for the day and I started finalizing those plans. I said to myself that once I get off the plane, his update will have posted and I will see whats really up. if he says he is going out of town to the school for the day and happy he isn't at work then I know he was telling the truth, if not, Imma find out once and for all whats going on... Unfortunately that wasn't the case. i got off the plane and went and got my rental car. As i waited, I checked Facebook and low and behold a very neutral status update, Nothing about the job, nothing about being off, nothing about traveling out of town.  Soooo the first stop I made was to his job.. No worries, no scenes, thats sooo not my style but I had to follow my hunch and I needed to see if he was lying to me... Drove around the parking and immediately, like within 30 seconds I saw his car.  took a picture of it and sent it to him with the message saying that I was very disappointed in him, that if he didn't want to see me he should have just said so ,that not to worry I am not on some stalker tip, just followed a very strong hunch and ummmm I guess I negative thought my way into this scenario too!!

lemme backtrack for a sec...

After he told me that he would be able to see me I told him that I knew that, that i had a feeling that was going to happen and that I had already had other plans in mind in case this didnt happen. He got a little pissy with me and said that did I ever think that maybe I negative thought my way into this happening??? *blank stare*

Oh.. we on some mind game shit I see.

So of course this is the first thing that came to mind as I saw his car. his reply to my message was to of course say well yeah.. it seems kinda stalkerish... *rolls eyes* but I should know him well enough to know that if he didnt want to see me he would have told me, but he only went in to work to do his morning work and then his daughter came and got him and he left his car there cuz he had to work that night and it didnt make sense to go all the way home. blah blah blah....

ok... so I am marinating on this, i didnt reply and I figured at some point he is going to slip up on facebook. Just so happens, he comments on a friend's status update who was complaining about working a 12 hour day and he say yea I feel ya bruh.. just left my real job and on my way to my second job. 

BINGO.

he doesn't of course know that I know that.. I know he is on that well I haven't given her a reason to doubt me trip.. I am sure he feels that I have no proof therefore he didn't lie... I never did reply to his response and I haven't heard from him since. I know he lied, he knows I know he lied but doesn't feel like there is proof warranted for him to come clean about it.

At the end of the day what I am most hurt about is that the lie was unneccessary whatever the reason... and please believe I have evaluated every reason possible.. I know he had called off some days prior to this day and maybe couldn't afford to take the time off, or it could be .. it could be a myriad of reasons including his not wanting to see me for whatever reason, or maybe he got spooked once I finalized my plans to move in the same city as he, or maybe he thought I was going to come there expecting something or trying to push my way into his life, shit i dont know..  I had hoped I had stressed my point enough that I wasn't moving their for him because that would have been a dreadful mistake, but moving there because of the friendly suggestion HE MADE about how I may be better off financially there because the cost of living is cheaper, the schools are good and I wouldnt have to pay for a private education for MiniMe and would be able to afford a car.  People talk stuff all the time but when things come into fruition.....

I dont know and I am trying my best not to dwell on it too much. I am very hurt by it all, because at the end of the day I expected NOTHING from him, ESPECIALLY not a relationship. I did however expect friendship, honesty, integrity and to treat me with decency. Neither of us were in a position to be in a relationship and I was ok with that. I was happy in knowing that their was nothing wrong with me, that a man would find me desirable and embrace the things about me that I can't stand about myself. but now I have to wonder how much of this was a game for him... How much of it was he sincere about.. I guess what really chaps my hyde is that he knows my whole past and the people I am surrounded by and he turned out not to be much better. I opened myself up to him and gladly gave him parts of myself that I haven't given to any man in years, not even Mister and it wasn't appreciated enough to be told the truth. to know of my financial struggles and not so much as offer to help me recoup my traveling costs since now I had to rent a car as I traveled about the city looking at apartments.  Had he offered when he broke our plans, I would have never gotten suspicious. Thats the funny part about it. LOL

As someone said in a comment on facebook, people will do what they do because at that moment, they feel their actions are justified...it only makes sense to them... or something to that effect.. I guess he did what he had to do. *shrugs* I dunno. 

i still have plans to move there.. that has not change. My move wasn't about him, it was about me. One monkey doesn't stop a show. I hate that i will know no one now, but it is what it is.. I have survived worse and i will survive this too.

The tears have finally stopped, still trying to get back to my happy go lucky self. its bad when the customers can see my sadness, this was a friendship (or so I thought) that was over 2 years old. we talked almost daily for almost two years and I miss that. I will have to admit I miss him, or at least who I thought he was. The problem was is that I put too much stock in him I think, that is why I am sooo gravely disappointed. I forgot he was human, with his own selfish needs  and wants, like many of us. 

I guess I am not suppose to admit to any of this because that would mean he got me right? LOL and a man loves to know that he got you like that. I would hate if it came down to being about playin games cuz if he didn't know anything, he knows I am not a game player, Im just not good at it. LOL

I dont know if this is something that can ever be reconciled, only time can tell that.

IF I am wrong.. then it is pretty safe to say that I have made the biggest fool out of myself EVERRR!!! LOLOL

I am hoping that as I put fingers to keys, that I can finally lay this down and let it go... "releasing it thru the pen"

screenshot

ok... who likes this double screen business on ur home page and more importantly.. how do you get rid of it? i cant remember how I enabled it in the first place! SMH

A Package Deal

Im Still Blessed....

Good Morning Fam. Long Time no See. Those of you who have been in my blogging circle for the last 3 years or so have never known me to be quiet. Despite it all, I always talk my way out of it. LOL Thanks all for your well wishes and concern, it was truly appreciated. Sometimes silence is golden. I remember a year ago this time, I was in school getting my paralegal certificate (8 classes in 16 weeks *whew),scraping by on $150/wk, depending on the kindness of strangers just to eat, MiniMe's principal allowed her to stay despite being woefully behind in her tuition and making rent was a MIRACLE. MiniMe didn't get her usual Easter garb (didnt even go to church cuz of allll the homework LOL) and she was satisfied with the colored hard boiled eggs, jelly beans and starbursts I scrapped my pennies together to get for her Easter basket and I realized how far I have come and although Ive yet to embark upon my new career I am still so very very very blessed. Ive come a looooonnnnnng way baby through God's Grace and Mercy! That being said, I don't like for someone to not appreciate the monetary struggles I have been through. I personally have to stop thinking that people will be as honest as I am, for I am honest to a dang fault. I for one would much rather be gravely disappointed by the HONEST TO GOODNESS TRUTH, than irreparably hurt and devastated by an unnecessary lie. I expected NOTHING but friendship, honesty, integrity and decency. Thats all. NOTHING ELSE. All else was a bonus. Despite my verbal blunders (which was brought on by nerves and sheer goofiness lol) my vulnerability DOES NOT equal stupid!! 

Enuff about that...

On vacation this week with MiniMe's spring break! YAY!! (i think lol) Still looking forward to my move, (to Columbus Oh for those of you who don't know) with or without help. Loving the warm weather but hating the violence brought on because of it... Makes me want to get the heck out of dodge just that much more!! SMH

You all have a WONNNNNNNNNNDERFUL week! I know I will be! Much Love to each of you realize you are blessed!!

*waves* wowwwwwwwww its been soooooo long since i posted... hows everyone??

Obstacles truly are your blessings.....

First of all, I must say this is the first Valentines (Schmalentine LOL) that I have survived fully intact for the first time ever in my life. Every time that "I am lonely and don't have a husband" feeling came over me I would pray it away with the QUICKNESS!! I almost got caught off guard a time or two, the tears would sting my eyes quickly (cuz Satan moves QUICK doesn't he? LOL) and I would just pray it away!!!

So I went to church this morning very upbeat, joyful, happy, thankful... all that good stuff and once again my Pastor delivered a word I would swear twice on the Holy Bible was just for ME!!!! Pastor has a way of doing that to ya...

The word for today was simply titled "Obstacles" and I have to share it and pray it will be a blessing for someone else as it was for me!!!

Hebrews 12:1-2 (Amp)

1. Therefore then, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses [who have born testimony to the Truth], let us strip off and throw aside every encumbrance (unnecessary weight) and that sin which so readily (deftly and cleverly) clings to and entangles us, and let us run with patient endurance and steady and active persistence the appointed course of the race that is set before us.

2. Looking away [from all that will distract] to Jesus, Who is the Leader and the Source of our faith [giving the first incentive for our belief] and is also its Finisher [bringing it to maturity and perfection]. He, for the joy {of obtaining the prize] that was set before Him, endured the Cross, despising and ignoring the shame, and is now seated at the right hand of the throne of God.

The enemy is waiting to pick you apart, make you feel sorry for yourself, wait until you feel your worse and make you think there could not possibly be a positive outcome and he will stop at NOTHING to put obstacles in your way!!! when you put your trust and faith in God, He will direct your path and keep you safe from those obstacles...

You must look at your obstacles as blessings because it lets you know that you are on the right path and Satan is ALWAYS BUSY tying to keep you from being on the right path!

Pastor said to keep your eye ABOVE your obstacles and keep you eyes fixed up Jesus Christ, the Author and Finisher of our fate! 

So many times, we have our eyes on Christ while obstacles are being thrown on our way but we are still feeling down below with our hands because we are still lacking the faith that God is gonna FIX IT or while we are feeling around below something feels good to us and we are quickly knocked off course from going down the right path. 

Its always easier to do what feels good instead of doing what we know is right isn't it?

Every obstacle that Christ leads you to overcome makes you stronger for the next obstacle because Satan is never finished throwing obstacles in our path.

So the question that begs to be asked is If you had your way 20 years ago and got what you wanted then for yourself right now, would you be where you are right now spiritually?

I know for me the answer is a resounding HECKIE NAWWWW!!!!

For some, the obstacle itself can make us still for we get succumbed by it... We can't see past it in order to move forward towards our destiny. I believe that I would still be the same ungrateful, unthankful, mean person that I used to be and it took for those obstacles constantly being thrown in my path to beat me down and HUMBLE ME. If I had every thing I wanted when i wanted I wouldn't have learned how to be grateful, thankful, or have humility and patience, kindness, etc, etc... Once I put more of my faith in God and His Son and less on myself, my obstacles became made me stronger and stronger, day by day and has given me a clearer vision as to what my destiny is.

The more you trust in God our Father and His Son, the more He will give you. Life is the obstacle course for Eternity.

Amen??? AMEN!!!!!