Tuesday, April 20, 2010

All I Can do is keep Pushing AHEAD!!!!

Last time I wrote I was conquering my internal battle with loneliness...

Well all I can do is finish the story that started with this...

http://sistahgurl.multiply.com/journal/item/217/I_feel_as_if...

Halfway through the journey I was here...

http://sistahgurl.multiply.com/journal/item/221/Fighting_my_Internal_Warfare_of_Loneliness...

and so it continues...

On March 30th, I was suppose to be traveling out of state to see The HIM.... a supposed to be a much anticipated trip considering we hadn't seen each other since October...

Let me start my saying that I had a funny feeling when I booked the trip, just a funny feeling. Somehow I knew I wasn't going to see him. A friend of mine who I was talking to about that can testify to that... things between us had gotten a little strange.. misunderstandings coupled with convos by text (never again), our daily convos got strained to say the least...

It could have been a self fulfilling prophecy.. I can always tell when people's behavior changes towards me that something is up.. it could be the smallest thing that I pick up on that later leads to bigger things.  So then on occasion, I would ask if everything is alright between us and that would seem to strain things more...

Soooo 6 days prior to me leaving I am told by him that he will not be able to see me that day. He said that his daughter got a letter from the college she would be attending in the fall saying that an informal parent/student meeting was to occur on the day of my trip. OK. I aint gonna lie, I was maddddd disappointed... my word, then I got to thinking about it, and being that I am fresh out of college and many of my friends have kids going off to school and one thing I would bet my last dollar on is that colleges do not send out *initial* letters 7 days prior to an event at their school, at minimum a letter of that nature will come at least a month in advance, a follow-up letter may come 7 days prior but most definitely not the initial letter. So I waited. One thing I knew for certain is that if he has a day off, or anything good happening about his daughter he is going to talk about it during his daily status update... 

As the day approaches I am making my mental plans. I had a plan B well in place prior to his news as to what I would do for the day and I started finalizing those plans. I said to myself that once I get off the plane, his update will have posted and I will see whats really up. if he says he is going out of town to the school for the day and happy he isn't at work then I know he was telling the truth, if not, Imma find out once and for all whats going on... Unfortunately that wasn't the case. i got off the plane and went and got my rental car. As i waited, I checked Facebook and low and behold a very neutral status update, Nothing about the job, nothing about being off, nothing about traveling out of town.  Soooo the first stop I made was to his job.. No worries, no scenes, thats sooo not my style but I had to follow my hunch and I needed to see if he was lying to me... Drove around the parking and immediately, like within 30 seconds I saw his car.  took a picture of it and sent it to him with the message saying that I was very disappointed in him, that if he didn't want to see me he should have just said so ,that not to worry I am not on some stalker tip, just followed a very strong hunch and ummmm I guess I negative thought my way into this scenario too!!

lemme backtrack for a sec...

After he told me that he would be able to see me I told him that I knew that, that i had a feeling that was going to happen and that I had already had other plans in mind in case this didnt happen. He got a little pissy with me and said that did I ever think that maybe I negative thought my way into this happening??? *blank stare*

Oh.. we on some mind game shit I see.

So of course this is the first thing that came to mind as I saw his car. his reply to my message was to of course say well yeah.. it seems kinda stalkerish... *rolls eyes* but I should know him well enough to know that if he didnt want to see me he would have told me, but he only went in to work to do his morning work and then his daughter came and got him and he left his car there cuz he had to work that night and it didnt make sense to go all the way home. blah blah blah....

ok... so I am marinating on this, i didnt reply and I figured at some point he is going to slip up on facebook. Just so happens, he comments on a friend's status update who was complaining about working a 12 hour day and he say yea I feel ya bruh.. just left my real job and on my way to my second job. 

BINGO.

he doesn't of course know that I know that.. I know he is on that well I haven't given her a reason to doubt me trip.. I am sure he feels that I have no proof therefore he didn't lie... I never did reply to his response and I haven't heard from him since. I know he lied, he knows I know he lied but doesn't feel like there is proof warranted for him to come clean about it.

At the end of the day what I am most hurt about is that the lie was unneccessary whatever the reason... and please believe I have evaluated every reason possible.. I know he had called off some days prior to this day and maybe couldn't afford to take the time off, or it could be .. it could be a myriad of reasons including his not wanting to see me for whatever reason, or maybe he got spooked once I finalized my plans to move in the same city as he, or maybe he thought I was going to come there expecting something or trying to push my way into his life, shit i dont know..  I had hoped I had stressed my point enough that I wasn't moving their for him because that would have been a dreadful mistake, but moving there because of the friendly suggestion HE MADE about how I may be better off financially there because the cost of living is cheaper, the schools are good and I wouldnt have to pay for a private education for MiniMe and would be able to afford a car.  People talk stuff all the time but when things come into fruition.....

I dont know and I am trying my best not to dwell on it too much. I am very hurt by it all, because at the end of the day I expected NOTHING from him, ESPECIALLY not a relationship. I did however expect friendship, honesty, integrity and to treat me with decency. Neither of us were in a position to be in a relationship and I was ok with that. I was happy in knowing that their was nothing wrong with me, that a man would find me desirable and embrace the things about me that I can't stand about myself. but now I have to wonder how much of this was a game for him... How much of it was he sincere about.. I guess what really chaps my hyde is that he knows my whole past and the people I am surrounded by and he turned out not to be much better. I opened myself up to him and gladly gave him parts of myself that I haven't given to any man in years, not even Mister and it wasn't appreciated enough to be told the truth. to know of my financial struggles and not so much as offer to help me recoup my traveling costs since now I had to rent a car as I traveled about the city looking at apartments.  Had he offered when he broke our plans, I would have never gotten suspicious. Thats the funny part about it. LOL

As someone said in a comment on facebook, people will do what they do because at that moment, they feel their actions are justified...it only makes sense to them... or something to that effect.. I guess he did what he had to do. *shrugs* I dunno. 

i still have plans to move there.. that has not change. My move wasn't about him, it was about me. One monkey doesn't stop a show. I hate that i will know no one now, but it is what it is.. I have survived worse and i will survive this too.

The tears have finally stopped, still trying to get back to my happy go lucky self. its bad when the customers can see my sadness, this was a friendship (or so I thought) that was over 2 years old. we talked almost daily for almost two years and I miss that. I will have to admit I miss him, or at least who I thought he was. The problem was is that I put too much stock in him I think, that is why I am sooo gravely disappointed. I forgot he was human, with his own selfish needs  and wants, like many of us. 

I guess I am not suppose to admit to any of this because that would mean he got me right? LOL and a man loves to know that he got you like that. I would hate if it came down to being about playin games cuz if he didn't know anything, he knows I am not a game player, Im just not good at it. LOL

I dont know if this is something that can ever be reconciled, only time can tell that.

IF I am wrong.. then it is pretty safe to say that I have made the biggest fool out of myself EVERRR!!! LOLOL

I am hoping that as I put fingers to keys, that I can finally lay this down and let it go... "releasing it thru the pen"

19 comments:

  1. OK. Queen, I've been where you are, and it's fucked up. There is no justification imaginable or otherwise, for this rank mess. What I want you to remember is the bigger picture-a better living situation for you and your child.

    I used the Internet to get to know others when I moved to MN for my son. It's been the best decision! I didn't have a job lined up (just a we'll see when you get here"; a place to live, or know a soul outside of my ex-in-law.

    I stepped out on faith, and it worked. I've been with the same county for 10 years, have a great place to live and now he's 18 and preparing to go off to college. And yes, I've met assholes, idiots and great people. Keep the great ones-you know what to do with the rest.

    Follow-thru on your plans. You've given your two drops in the bucket, now fuck it and get to moving!

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  2. Thats the plan.. Since this has happpened i have been joining networks on online and Ive actually talked to another single mom who lives close to where I will be moving. So, Im still excited about the move and I am right now just waiting to hear from the store that I hope to be transferring to.I am sooo keeping in mind a better living situation cuz the one i am in is FUDGED UP!!! LOLOL

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  3. Sending you a high five! I'm praying for you-I'll also pray not to curse so much! LOL!

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  4. hahahahaha!! its all good suggah!! LOLOL

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  5. please don't over think why he lied, just know that he lied.

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  6. I knowwww.... its still hard for me to fully grasp bcuz at the end of the day I feel stupid for allowing myself to show my vulnerableness to him... it was so very hard to open up to people especially men and I am spooky when it comes to dealing with men in the first place... he knows that about me but still he lied. It doesn't take much for my spooky self to run for the hills! I had hoped that he was better than those around me...

    I had thought we had a lifetime friendship, but I guess it was seasonal and as with all seasonal relationships I learned a lot and there was a lot of good to come from this despite what has transpired...

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  7. friendships are a two way street. don't beat yourelf up because someone else isn't willing to put in the work.

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  8. You said it best when you said one monkey don't stop no show. You do what you feel is best for you and mini me. I have been there and it's the best change I ever made. It's going to work out for you too!

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  9. It doesn't matter what he comes up with as justification...The Universe has shown you all that you need to see about him...sooner rather than later...be grateful for that...go back to the basics...which is to say...focus on what matters most...making a good life for you and your daughter...everything else will fall into place as it is supposed to. In the big scheme of things...he's but a grain of sand....brush it off...keep it moving...((HUGS))

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  10. I agree with quiet2girl2 - don't over think his actions because what he did had nothing to do with you. He was fine as long as the friendship was long distance. Now that it's the 11th hour and you're finalizing your plans to move, he wants to act up. Keep on networking and looking for places to stay in your new location. Most of all, have faith in the Lord.

    I moved to Houston 4 years ago on faith (no job, didn't know anyone) and glory be to God, I'M STILL HERE. You can do it sis. I will send up a prayer for you and mini-me.

    *hugs & abundant blessings*

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  11. Chalk this up to another experience and keep on and keeping on. Be happy he showed you who he is before you invested even more of your emotions, time and eventually possibly love.

    As for your move I'm so excited for you!!!! I moved to the ATL 10 years ago. I had no job lined up, and now look at me. Ok granted I worked for a nut case for 8 years, but thankfully that is over. LOL Focus on your move, getting settled and then eventually getting your job as a para-legal!!! You did not go to school all that time to keep working retail. :-)

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  12. Wow... I echo the sentiments of the other ladies, and speaking as someone who has never let any monkey stop my show... keep your head up!

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  13. Sorry, but I'm gonna say it...

    HE is a lying douche and you're better off without him. He doesn't deserve you, he never did.

    xx

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  14. I think it's wonderful that there are so many women who have stepped out on faith and made a move for the betterment of their family. It's great testimony!

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  15. As human beings we are for all intents and purposes STUPID AS SHIT. Could he have gotten cold feet sure, in this day and age of people not being who they claim to be, craig's list killers and the like maybe he didn't take you at your word. He shouldn't have lied, he probably regrets it and as far as you not knowing anybody there. You are fluent in internetese do a search for like minded folks on the net and get to typing.

    I mean technically I knew people in and around the atl but now that I am back in memphis you would never believe how many folks I already talked to that I found out where in the ATL. He was the bonus to a move that yes he suggested and you found out was gonna be a good idea.

    You know me I'm a fuck whether the glass is half full or empty finish emptying it out and fill it up some more type person. He introduced you to a place that would be good for you financial, schooling, and life wise. If he wants to rub himself out of the equation so be it, fuck the monkey stopping the show it's even more comical when the monkey tries to act like he isn't a part of the show. Cause they always want in later.

    I hope the move works out well, enjoy the sunshine people bring into your life even if they themselves do not remain in it and keep on moving. You have come a long way, probably further then most folks could fathom so why pump ya brakes now? As for Pinocchio, if it's cold where your moving too have him keep lieing so you can chop off then end of his nose for firewood(hell send me some I could always use extra kindling when I barbecue)

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  16. i know ur gonna wanna slap me for saying this but: let it go and focus on urself and what's really important ur child and don't worry about a man! i don't know if u go to church but back in my lonely..and i mean lonely days of break-ups and hit and quits...i had to look @ myself one day and say **** it! i'm tired as hell, all the freaking games and lies! ppl letting me down and me letting myself down! once i just let it all go, changed my number, stop kicking it with dead sorry #*% men and focused on myself and my own issues (*sigh*) GOD sent me that one...and believe me, it wasn't easy but i had finally come to a place of loving my singleness and i wasn't even tryng to deal with him but once it was clear GOD sent him to me...i gave it and honestly, he's so good to me! sometimes we feel like we're not worthy cuz all the drama and bs we've been through but HE knows all that sweetheart and once u put ur trust in him and stop trying to make something happen for urself, GOD can come n and bless u with what he has for you! in the midtime get involved in church, women fellowship and events and keep urself busy with ur lil buttercup...love you, hang in there! *prayers going up* u can do it gurl! TRUST i know! u CAN!!!!

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  17. yes, i did the same thing when i moved out to cali 2 yrs ago! he will make a way...he really will...PRAISE GOD

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  18. Tommie you know I loves you mayne!!!

    @Moni: Oh yesss. I do have a church home after many many many years of searching! I am soooo loving it!!!! Its the one thing that I am going to hate about leaving Chicago!! as for what you said... I am already there!! My first lady gave a sermon on Sunday and upon her husband asking her what made her know he was the right one after dealing with single parenthood and being on the bus herself, she said that she prayed to God for a husband who is searching after God's heart and has God's heart in his and now they have been married for over 25 years!! PRAISE GOD!! I just sat there with tears in my eyes cuz I know there is somebody out there for me and I can stop searching for a fleshly love. Im sitting here crying as I type this cuz it blessed me soo much!! thank you sooo much!!

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