All I Can do is keep Pushing AHEAD!!!!

Last time I wrote I was conquering my internal battle with loneliness...

Well all I can do is finish the story that started with this...

http://sistahgurl.multiply.com/journal/item/217/I_feel_as_if...

Halfway through the journey I was here...

http://sistahgurl.multiply.com/journal/item/221/Fighting_my_Internal_Warfare_of_Loneliness...

and so it continues...

On March 30th, I was suppose to be traveling out of state to see The HIM.... a supposed to be a much anticipated trip considering we hadn't seen each other since October...

Let me start my saying that I had a funny feeling when I booked the trip, just a funny feeling. Somehow I knew I wasn't going to see him. A friend of mine who I was talking to about that can testify to that... things between us had gotten a little strange.. misunderstandings coupled with convos by text (never again), our daily convos got strained to say the least...

It could have been a self fulfilling prophecy.. I can always tell when people's behavior changes towards me that something is up.. it could be the smallest thing that I pick up on that later leads to bigger things.  So then on occasion, I would ask if everything is alright between us and that would seem to strain things more...

Soooo 6 days prior to me leaving I am told by him that he will not be able to see me that day. He said that his daughter got a letter from the college she would be attending in the fall saying that an informal parent/student meeting was to occur on the day of my trip. OK. I aint gonna lie, I was maddddd disappointed... my word, then I got to thinking about it, and being that I am fresh out of college and many of my friends have kids going off to school and one thing I would bet my last dollar on is that colleges do not send out *initial* letters 7 days prior to an event at their school, at minimum a letter of that nature will come at least a month in advance, a follow-up letter may come 7 days prior but most definitely not the initial letter. So I waited. One thing I knew for certain is that if he has a day off, or anything good happening about his daughter he is going to talk about it during his daily status update... 

As the day approaches I am making my mental plans. I had a plan B well in place prior to his news as to what I would do for the day and I started finalizing those plans. I said to myself that once I get off the plane, his update will have posted and I will see whats really up. if he says he is going out of town to the school for the day and happy he isn't at work then I know he was telling the truth, if not, Imma find out once and for all whats going on... Unfortunately that wasn't the case. i got off the plane and went and got my rental car. As i waited, I checked Facebook and low and behold a very neutral status update, Nothing about the job, nothing about being off, nothing about traveling out of town.  Soooo the first stop I made was to his job.. No worries, no scenes, thats sooo not my style but I had to follow my hunch and I needed to see if he was lying to me... Drove around the parking and immediately, like within 30 seconds I saw his car.  took a picture of it and sent it to him with the message saying that I was very disappointed in him, that if he didn't want to see me he should have just said so ,that not to worry I am not on some stalker tip, just followed a very strong hunch and ummmm I guess I negative thought my way into this scenario too!!

lemme backtrack for a sec...

After he told me that he would be able to see me I told him that I knew that, that i had a feeling that was going to happen and that I had already had other plans in mind in case this didnt happen. He got a little pissy with me and said that did I ever think that maybe I negative thought my way into this happening??? *blank stare*

Oh.. we on some mind game shit I see.

So of course this is the first thing that came to mind as I saw his car. his reply to my message was to of course say well yeah.. it seems kinda stalkerish... *rolls eyes* but I should know him well enough to know that if he didnt want to see me he would have told me, but he only went in to work to do his morning work and then his daughter came and got him and he left his car there cuz he had to work that night and it didnt make sense to go all the way home. blah blah blah....

ok... so I am marinating on this, i didnt reply and I figured at some point he is going to slip up on facebook. Just so happens, he comments on a friend's status update who was complaining about working a 12 hour day and he say yea I feel ya bruh.. just left my real job and on my way to my second job. 

BINGO.

he doesn't of course know that I know that.. I know he is on that well I haven't given her a reason to doubt me trip.. I am sure he feels that I have no proof therefore he didn't lie... I never did reply to his response and I haven't heard from him since. I know he lied, he knows I know he lied but doesn't feel like there is proof warranted for him to come clean about it.

At the end of the day what I am most hurt about is that the lie was unneccessary whatever the reason... and please believe I have evaluated every reason possible.. I know he had called off some days prior to this day and maybe couldn't afford to take the time off, or it could be .. it could be a myriad of reasons including his not wanting to see me for whatever reason, or maybe he got spooked once I finalized my plans to move in the same city as he, or maybe he thought I was going to come there expecting something or trying to push my way into his life, shit i dont know..  I had hoped I had stressed my point enough that I wasn't moving their for him because that would have been a dreadful mistake, but moving there because of the friendly suggestion HE MADE about how I may be better off financially there because the cost of living is cheaper, the schools are good and I wouldnt have to pay for a private education for MiniMe and would be able to afford a car.  People talk stuff all the time but when things come into fruition.....

I dont know and I am trying my best not to dwell on it too much. I am very hurt by it all, because at the end of the day I expected NOTHING from him, ESPECIALLY not a relationship. I did however expect friendship, honesty, integrity and to treat me with decency. Neither of us were in a position to be in a relationship and I was ok with that. I was happy in knowing that their was nothing wrong with me, that a man would find me desirable and embrace the things about me that I can't stand about myself. but now I have to wonder how much of this was a game for him... How much of it was he sincere about.. I guess what really chaps my hyde is that he knows my whole past and the people I am surrounded by and he turned out not to be much better. I opened myself up to him and gladly gave him parts of myself that I haven't given to any man in years, not even Mister and it wasn't appreciated enough to be told the truth. to know of my financial struggles and not so much as offer to help me recoup my traveling costs since now I had to rent a car as I traveled about the city looking at apartments.  Had he offered when he broke our plans, I would have never gotten suspicious. Thats the funny part about it. LOL

As someone said in a comment on facebook, people will do what they do because at that moment, they feel their actions are justified...it only makes sense to them... or something to that effect.. I guess he did what he had to do. *shrugs* I dunno. 

i still have plans to move there.. that has not change. My move wasn't about him, it was about me. One monkey doesn't stop a show. I hate that i will know no one now, but it is what it is.. I have survived worse and i will survive this too.

The tears have finally stopped, still trying to get back to my happy go lucky self. its bad when the customers can see my sadness, this was a friendship (or so I thought) that was over 2 years old. we talked almost daily for almost two years and I miss that. I will have to admit I miss him, or at least who I thought he was. The problem was is that I put too much stock in him I think, that is why I am sooo gravely disappointed. I forgot he was human, with his own selfish needs  and wants, like many of us. 

I guess I am not suppose to admit to any of this because that would mean he got me right? LOL and a man loves to know that he got you like that. I would hate if it came down to being about playin games cuz if he didn't know anything, he knows I am not a game player, Im just not good at it. LOL

I dont know if this is something that can ever be reconciled, only time can tell that.

IF I am wrong.. then it is pretty safe to say that I have made the biggest fool out of myself EVERRR!!! LOLOL

I am hoping that as I put fingers to keys, that I can finally lay this down and let it go... "releasing it thru the pen"