Friday, September 25, 2009

I feel as if...

....I am walking around with a hard dick 24 hours a day... 7 days a week.  That is the best way I can describe this feeling. I can only imagine what a man feels like if he was in a constant state of arousal.  Now, as a rule, I AM a horny individual.  Maybe it is because I have never been in a relationship in which the sex was a constant everyday affair.  Well, there was one, the man I was engaged to, my first real and true love, we screwed like rabbits on the regular.  Every time we saw each other, we were either disrobing or were getting ready to disrobe. LOLOL  Everything we did led up to us getting it on. LOLOL

But I digress...

So although many would say that I am in a constant state of arousal is because I don't have regular sex, ummm no. I don't think that is the case.  I believe I am just a horny individual.  I really am starting to believe I am a closet nymph. LOLOL

I said I wasn't going to blog about this, because I am afraid to jinx it, but at this point, I need a different outlet. LOLOL I know he may be about sick of me at this point LOLOL, cuz I have to admit, I am kinda sprung. (I will never admit just how sprung I am. LOLOL)

There is this guy that I have been talking to for a couple of years online. I have kept him at bay all this time, I knew I liked him, but ummmm, I just kept him at bay. and that is all Imma say about that!

Anywhooo, the opportunity presented itself to finally meet. He came to Chicago for a function and I got my chance.  Time was sparce and definitely of the essence.  The attraction was instant as we locked eyes for the first time from across the street. If I believed in the foolish notion as love as first site, that is as close as I can describe it as.  He says.. it was the dress. LOLOL

But, he has liked me (according to him), for quite some time. I gotta admit, he gave one hell of a chase and was mighty damn patient for all of the no'ss that I gave him. LOLOL Poor thang.

I was so very nervous. Good grief. Nervous about what I knew I was about to do, nervous about meeting a perfect stranger and taking him to my house, my spooky behind was scared that he was not going to be who he portrayed online.  But he is. My comfort level was instant, which for me, is unheard of. Absolutely, unheard of. We embraced, he kissed me on the cheek and I know he was ready to pounce me right then and there downtown on State Street.  But, I can't put it all on him, I was too. I was just nervous as shit. Cuz this is not how I get down. LOLOL  Cannot say that I have been EVERRRR down this particular road before.

So we make it back to my place, he says I took a step towards him, I say he snatched me in his arms.. Well, it may have been a combination of both. LOLOL He kissed me one of those kind of kisses that makes a girl tingle down to her toes and got me instantly wettttt. Well, I already kinda was on the way to my place. shhhhhhhhh don't tell him that though. LOL

Needless to say, the deed was done, took two hours though. LOLOL Now before I proceed I must say that I have had some damn good dick in my day. I'm just sayin'. Cuz in a minute, ya'll gonna think I haven't. LMAOO

I will admit, that I have not had a man be so attentive in bed.
I mean, I have had attentiveness, but never, not once, on this level.  Every spot that needed to be kissed was. Every spot that needed to be licked was.  Every time my hands reached out to grab something out of sheer ecstasy, he grabbed my hands and held them and somehow, all the while, he never stopped kissing me.  He kept looking me in my eyes and I kept looking away. I felt as if his piercing gaze was trying to look into the center of my soul and shit, I was already naked, what more did he want? LOLOL  I found myself all of a sudden being attentive to his needs, kissing him wherever I could and found myself aggressively mounting him, something I never do. Not necessarily my favorite position but I rode him like my life depended on it.  I made the mistake and looked down into his eyes, looking at me with those piercing hazel eyes and next thing I know, the tears fell. I mean, I cried and he held me and wiped the tears from my face and asked if that was a reaction to an orgasm. yeah.. sure buddy, that is what it was. LMAO

I thought of doing things that I don't do. Had to stop myself from doing them (those of you who have followed me and seen comments on blogs and I even wrote a blog about it knows what it is I am speaking of) because doing so would be the equivalent of handing him my heart on a platter and the expectation that comes with that and ummm no, ain't quite ready for that. Me and those damn principles (or is it foolish notions?) of mine.

Now that the deed was done I am now wanting to know as much about him and remember as much about him as I could.  Did so by reading every archived message, reading everything he has ever posted on his pages, everything that I could find about him, I read it. See, for those two years, I kinda made myself ignore him cuz that was not something I was trying to get started. I mean, we talked on an almost daily basis, we were each other's confidants of sorts.  At one point, there was a hiatus of over a month, and when I thought really hard about it, i remember making myself invisible to him because I could not deal.(nope, he doesn't know that)  He has always, as a friend, been very positive, always telling me to keep my head up, always encouraging me to push it through school, that there are brighter days ahead,  always listening to my woes when everyone else was sick of hearing about them including myself. Why anyone would pursue someone who was the mess that I was at that time is beyond me. LOLOL

As he walked away from him that evening, I fought tears (he don't know that either LOL) as I kept trying in vain to convince myself that he was just a good screw. Period. End of discussion. He is like that with every woman he is with. I bet he has a dozen and two women out there tripping over themselves for him!!!! That I am nothing more but a good screw for him that he just made sure he would get the opportunity to do again if he did it right the first time.  Yeah, I can usually convince myself to turn feelings off and this time I have failed miserably.   And then the follow-up conversations began and he started to tell me everything that he like about me, including my goofyness (why i dont know LMAO) and that is what did me in and put me on this damn cloud. At one point, every time I talked to him, I would blush profusely and would subsequently walk around with this STUPID LOOK on my face. LOLOL Great Scots, my face got sore from smiling so much.  The kids at work looked at me in wonderment, because usually they fear me a little bit, cuz yanno, i gotta stay in those kids behinds on the regular, and they are like we are scared of you because you are smiling at us so damn much. LOLOL And I am like yeah, whatevah... do whatevah... lalalalala LOLOL They been getting away with bloody murder, time for me to pull in the reigns on them bad mofos, although I must admit, they haven't gotten like they were. LOLOL I have them trained well as to what to expect when I am on duty.

Right now, we are friends, for I am his friend first and will probably remain that way for quite some time as he makes some very difficult decisions in his life.  I do not know what will become of us, if there will ever be an "us". I have no expectations, I am keeping my hopes in check (barely),  nor am I waiting on him. I do not know why our paths crossed the way it has, maybe there is a lesson involved regarding the both of us. I know for me personally, I have been taught a very valuable lesson and if there is ever another behind him, the bar has been set very high.  I now know what I should feel when involved with someone. I know that there is quite possibly someone out there with the patience of Job who can deal with me.

I know what is getting to me the most, is the questioning of my own personal stability because the feelings have mounted so fast. I am not a fast kinda person. I am usually one of those grow to love someone kind of person cuz quite frankly, a few idiosyncrasies in a man will spook me and I will be OUT! I have always been one to slowly but surely get over myself of a man's faults. I am not saying that he is perfect, but at the same time I am like faults? schmaults? LOLOL They are of no consequence at this point, LOLOL, I mean, it would have to be pretty damn bad for me to be turned off. I am thinking, if he has any, it surely won't be a concern of mine and I will be more than willing to overlook them. LOLOL

I will see him again in 25 more days (don't be mad cuz i know how many days exactly LOLOL) and although I am as anxious as a sissy given a life sentence I have to admit I am terribly spooked behind it. What if what I saw of him the first time was nothing but a fallacy?  What if it is just a case of desires that are resurfacing that I deliberately buried in myself in my quest to be realistic of what may be my eternal singlehood and being happy about being single? What if he is an idiot and I was too blind in lust the first go round to realize it? I mean, wtf is wrong with me for catching feelings this damn fast? And furthermore, how are we attempting to plan the second trip when my first trip isn't completed???

arrrrrrrrrrghhhh, I know I am driving myself nuts unnecessarily. I am trying really hard to let go of many of these *principles* of mine and just go with the flow. REally I am. but it is hard when I am at the point of taking a second pair of underwear with me to work. LOLOL

Now that I have made the biggest and most complete fool of myself by putting pen to paper, maybe now I can rest a little bit better mentally.

All  I know is... we may not make it out of the airport parking lot.


  1. testing one two three dammit. LOLOL cuz yanno, i am having comment issues.


  3. hahahahaha!!!! Stiffy, you are foolish! LMAOO

  4. Yeah I was gonna take out the good 1's too. Extended Pleasure (ribbed)

    Thats for special occasions!

  5. Sup wit ur b/g?

    Is that a pic from Mercury or Venus?

  6. Hey if your gonna fall fall fast, fall hard and don't regret a single moment of it. You obviously needed this type of fling if for nothing else then to experience exactly what it is to be you and enjoying it.

    Mess smess guys don't give a damn about mess, we give a damn about who you are when nobody knows anything but your exterior look and then the lioness who appears when we strip off all the coverings to see the real you.

    As for he had you naked so, for a guy sometimes seeing your desire is the best thing on the planet. yes I'm fucking you, but do you actually want to be fuckin me, are you actually enjoying this or is it just a fucking chore.

  7. I applaude you for being so vulnerable sista. you dont have to be ashamed of what your feeling, be thankful that you ARE feeling. There is nothin better (except Jesus love) than what you are feeling right now.

    WOW!!! I say go with it............stop over analizing it. You never know....this may be the one...........and if it's not, just enjoy it for the moment. and remember...

    It is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all.

    ANd one more thing....

    You don't want to be 20 years down the road saying "What if?"

  8. I am glad you said that cuz right now... I am trying not to fee stupid. at the end of the day, i feel very stupid cuz I am way to cautious and have such a tight hold on my principles that letting go with some of them is very hard for me which makes me end up feeling foolish. The very fact that I have been very verbal and open about how I am feeling is very new for me and I don't know how to take it. Cuz my biggest fear, is that he will take that and make a really big fool out of me.

  9. And i told you that dress was GREAT!!!!

  10. from Saki...

    Your blog won't let the comment I'm putting it here!

    There is nothing wrong with the place you are in right now! Enjoy the moment, and stop thinking so fucking much mayne! Sometimes we women can really ‘over think’ some shit to the point that we talk ourselves right out of the best thing for us at the time. Enjoy what you are feeling…no matter what happens down the road! What matters most is that you can look yourself in the mirror, smile at the memories, experience the tingle of having someone desire you, and like what you see! The dress you were wearing is pretty…and I’m sure he wanted to rip it off of you when he first saw you!

    Honestly, you’ve put a few pictures of yourself up in the time that I’ve known you, and never once have I seen you looking so…happy…content…satisfied…full of a love of life…and that’s a beautiful, beautiful, beautiful thing! You’ve been without the attention of someone that truly appreciated the beauty of who you are, inside and out, for so long, that you’ve gotten used to what that felt like. Now that things have changed, you are having a hard time reconciling your feelings…SO STOP TRYING TO RECONCILE THEM…AND JUST FEEL THEM…AND BASK IN THEM…AND LET FOLKS THINK WHAT THEY WANT!

    I suggest you turn your brain off for a while. I’m not saying don’t be cautious, but I’m saying don’t be so cautious that you miss out on the opportunity to just FEEL WHAT YOU ARE FEELING AND BASK IN IT…YOU DESERVE THAT AFTER ALL THAT YOU’VE ENDURED!


  11. thank you... took me a minute to figure out which and what to wear!

  12. amen to that Saki. I am The Queen of burying emotions. LOLOL and thank you... I feel more alive than i have in YEARS.

  13. Well I hope you are done burying your emotions...cuz that doesn't do you any good! I'm glad things are looking up for you...and I pray that you stay on the cloud for as long as you need to! ((HUGS))

  14. enjoy urself, be careful, protect urself, and know what ur getting urself into...don't be foolish in ur expectations, be real with urself....ur grown ...yes...but don't be stupid!

    *hopefully it's more than just good sex, or maybe that's all u want*...either safe my sista

  15. You deserve this happiness! Share it with him as long as you can. The fact that you're friends first and he knows some of your history means that you know he's there for the real you. Good lovin matched with real feelings will have you smiling and feenin for only him til the next time, trust me.*smile*

  16. I'm happy for you, I agree with my twin, you deserve to be happy. Just be careful. I know will be, but our hearts can slip away from us so easily, like wild horses, get out of control and take off on us. I say us because I think you and I are alike in a lot of ways.

    I'm glad you got a "session" like that, I know you needed it. I think my wariness comes from my own experiences. My very first time was with a man I adored, and the experience was everything I dreamed it could be, magical, emotional...but before he was even..uh...OUT he was telling me how he couldn't be my man. I mean, couldn't you at least let the afterglow subside first?? I guess what I'm saying is be careful about letting him take you to heaven if he's not intending on keeping you there. Its not fair to you, because that puts you in a position where you will be tempted to take what you can get from him (I know I was), and that's not good for you, you deserve better than that.

    That said, I do think starting as friends is an amazing way to start, and the fact that you have been friends so long and he has pursued you so long is a good sign. I really hope it works out for you,

  17. You actually sound a bit like me on the emotional part. I had a wall around my heart that the entire Marine Corps would have trouble making a hole in. Dee walked through the gate with the key God provided her. Further proof we were made for each other. Take your time and be sure. I'm happy that you're happy. I just want you to STAY happy.

  18. for every brick someone takes down, i will put 3 up in its place. we are >here< on that one.

  19. scuse me while I go take a really fucking ICY COLD SHOWER.

  20. I can't really say anything that hasn't already been said. You look GREAT in your dress sis!

  21. Do YOU (and him, too, obviously)!!!!

  22. You can't go wrong with being friends first..Wow..I've been missing all the good stuff..

  23. Water...I need water....cold shower...damn girl. He got a brother? LOL Aint nutin like some straight up freaky lovin'. Mmmmmmmmmm Lucky you. I had me a recent one of those too. Lucky me. LOL

  24. FINALLY getting to read this...and smiling. You deserve it all. Enjoy every moment. Don't overthink it...Just live in it. SO HAPPY FOR YOU!