Monday, January 3, 2011

Green, Red, & Black: Seeking Deliverance AGAIN.

Sooo MiniMe came bouncing off the plane and the first thing she says is guess what Mommy? Daddy is getting married next month and now Imma have 2 Mommies!!!!! And guess what Mommy? Im going to call her *MOM*

*blank stare*

Now... that was a lot to digest within the first 5 minutes from picking her up from the gate..

Just when I think its all good.. that Ive got my issues under my feet here we go...

Lets just start with me saying and admitting that Im green with envy. yep. surely am. Envious because I want to be married SO BAD. Sooo tired of being BY MYSELF. Being the only one LOOKING OUT FOR ME (in the flesh I mean) Not understanding how it is soooo easy for men to just find another one, hook up and be married while we women just dangle on endlessly in singlehood..

RED with jealousy.. yes.. Im jealous.. My daughter will be calling another woman MOM and I can do nothing about it but be the bigger woman & put my own personal issues aside and tell her to make sure she loves her, treats her nicely and be obedient and in so many words not to be the evil step child. But danggit.. that doesn't mean I have to like it. But I guess Imma have to get use to it.

BLACK with anger. just soooooooooooooo much ANGER. Incomprehensible how ANGRY I am. Not because I want him, or mad that he is moving on... but just angry at myself for feeling like this. Angry because I thought I was past this and I knew it was gonna happen but I feel as if someone suckered punched me my knees. Angry that he gets to be blessed with marriage, and has had new children and yet has continued to do wrong towards me. I am pushing on 6 months without child support and he is going to be married? Really? He has continued to try and be a thorn in my side. Keep in mind.. this man is HIV positive and so my understanding is befuddled at the moment cuz I am simply just not understanding. ANY OF IT.


You ever notice how people who perpetually do wrong and hurt others continue to live a blessed life? Everything always works out for them. ALL THE TIME! Liars, cheats and thieves seem to live a blessed life.

Lets see... he lives in a 4 Bedroom house, me.. a 3 room tiny apartment. I'm on the bus, He has 5 cars to his disposal. He just started going to school and already has a job in his field. Me? been in school got my bachelors, post bachelors certificate and working on my masters and still cant find a job in my field? When does this end? Ive worked my behind off and Ive yet to see a payoff.. and I'm not understanding ANY OF IT!! Its pissing me off to no end.

I know I'm not suppose to question God. I know I'm not suppose to compare my blessings to another's. I know God has a perfect plan for our lives but my flesh wants to see him SUFFER! I want to see justice be served on him because his character is reprehensible. A liar, cheat, thief, manipulative, conning, mean... just doggone mean... and I'm not understanding ANY OF IT?

I found this out Sunday morning before church after I picked up MiniMe from the airport. The closer I got to church.. the angrier I became. MiniMe is just chit chatting away about her *new* family... wishing she could live in Ga.. blah blah blah and Im like nooooooooooo this can't be happening. Im always afraid that she is going to tell me one day that she wants to live with her father. I honestly feel he is quietly manipulating her to that. He isn't going to come right out and say don't you want to live with Daddy? but he is very under-handed in that regards.

Lets think about this.. if you were a child where would you want to be? Living in a cramped up apartment, on the bus in the cold, no siblings or cousins to play with at your leisure? Or inside of a nice home, with her own bedroom, never having to run for a bus again, or sit in class with Mommy, or being left at school till forever before being picked up , not having to feel the rejection of a grandmother who would rather be holed up in her room than be bothered with you, not having a host of relatives and being able to always have some kind of company to keep you entertained??

I sat in church and could feel my heart hardening again. I couldn't praise. I couldn't worship. Pastor spoke a sermon that talked directly to my spirit and all I could do was cry. Cry cry cry cry... couldn't remember what he said exactly, but I know he was speaking to me...

Have I said Im not understanding? So at this moment, on top of praying for my heart and emotions to line up with my spirit, I'm praying for divine revelation in this matter because again...


And then.. I can't help but wonder if he has some new tricks up his sleeve.. that whole play on the southern notion that a 2 parent family is better, I can give her this,that and the other and she can't... Dear God.. He better not go there, please and thank you. But he is very capable, manipulative and mean enough to do just that.

1 comment:

  1. I don't know that we're truly meant to understand everything in life that sucker punches us.

    What I've learned after more than a couple of decades of marriage is that married people usually don't want to be married and single people really want to be married. I suppose it's human nature to want what you don't have.