An Impending Sense of Doom

Ive been feeling a lil funny lately.. couldn't quite put my finger on it... it started when The MiniMe was left at school past her pick up time and the associated feelings that go along with that cuz Ive yet to find that prized Monday-Friday gig that will eliminate the evening and weekend deal... Which brought feelings of being trapped in this tiny apartment...

Then the situation of being disowned by my mother. Enuff said on that...

Now.. I got the call last night from Mister telling me that his mother (affectionately known as Ma Barker in my prior blogs) had an aneurysm on Friday, had surgery and is currently in a coma and its not looking too good at the moment... not good at all.. he was bawling on the phone.. literally bawling and all ill feelings were put aside for the moment as I felt very very bad for him.. although she was often times the source of Mister & I's dysfunction, cuz she is a rabblerouser, I know that he loves his mama very much... but then too there is that karma aspect of it all....

Be that as it may my daughter and her Grandma Dorthy are very close.. thick as thieves close... See.. MiniMe (Mister's first child as well) was the last grandchild to be born after all of her other grandchildren were already grown.. when her other grandchildren were born she was busy being free from her own six kids and her abusive husband and was running the streets... drinking & partying.. the whole bit...

Anyways.. cirrhosis of the liver and diabetes eventually put a halt to all of that and by time MiniMe came along she had settled down into her seniorhood... she took care of her every day while Mister & I both worked 2 jobs plus took care of her while we both were sleeping and trying to rest... As MiniMe got into toddlerhood.. she would abandon Mister & I for her grandma.. couldnt get that lil rascal to sleep in her own bed cuz she was snuggled up under her Grandma daring for either of us to say anything to her.. pfffft LOLOL

MiniMe had normalcy with Grandma Dorthy and for that I am eternally grateful.

I say all this to say I personally feel some kind of doom. This is happening at the worst time (not that death is ever timely) for me emotionally, due to my own mother, and financially because if I have to make a trip to Georgia due to her death, Im not gonna be able to move to that 3 bedroom apartment in December. I havent yet cried about the situation with my own mother.. I feel a certain coldness... a hardening of my heart if you will almost bordering on hatred and that is bothering me a great deal.. I am praying on it constantly and praying for a revelation in this matter. Cuz the only thing I feel is being revealed to me is to remove toxic people from my life and my mother surely is toxic. Her disowning me if you will is a feeling of relief to be honest. And that too is troubling me.

Also, I now have to be the bigger person, yet again, in regards to Mister. I know I am going to have to be there for him in some aspect as well as for my child... I know he doesn't have the money to send for her being as I haven't received child support in almost 3 months now. And I am not so cold as to demand that he be solely responsible for getting MiniMe there... It is going to be on me to put my ill feelings aside and be supportive when really my flesh wants to bash Mister upside his head with a brick whenever I see him.

*Edit* When I say be there for Mister.. I mean in regards to having my child there with him.. MiniMe needs to be with her father doing this time.. she needs and deserves to have closure in this matter.... I am not going to simply allow her to miss out on her Grandmother's funeral.. thats not even a possibility...

Worst yet... this is going to devastate my precious MiniMe... she hasn't had to deal with death yet and this is simply going to crush her... Please please please pray for my baby.

Im not complaining but...

...I will be soooo glad when my days of rushing are over... running out of the job half cocked to go allllll the way south to get MiniMe... actually made it out of work a couple of minutes early and OF COURSE the train is delayed...

*QUEUES JEOPARDY*

calling when Im almost at her school for them to send her downstairs... of course she didn't have her coat on when I got there.. she is sitting there chillaxxing! Not a care in the world...

COME ON GURRRRRL WE HAVE 4 MINUTES TILL THE BUS COMES WE GOTTA GO! LET'S GOOOOOOO! NOWWWWWWWWW

Get to the bus... he is late...

*taps foot*

get to the train station and runs down the stairs and the train pulls off...

*fuming*

Still gotta stop and get her something to eat and OF COURSE im gonna be late to class.

*AGAIN*

Of course.

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True to Form...

Another Love Letter from Moms and a pendant I gave her was given back. ANDDD she used my government name...

oh... and lets not forget that she told MiniMe when she dropped her off at school this morning to let her know when I find a normal mother. She sooooooo doesn't wanna go there with me.

The 5th Commandment...

For a long long long time.. I would not stand up to my mother or hold my ground with my mother for fear of disobeying the 5th Commandment.. "honor thy father and thy mother". I would not tell her how I felt or the truth as I saw it. I would not tell her the error of her ways against not only me but also against my daughter. I would not tell her how hurt I was over her abuse as I was growing up.

Ive realized that in my silence Ive allowed her to think that her brand of foolishness is alright.

Moms is a vengeful mom. Moms one time threw out $400 worth of blue topaz & gold jewelry I bought her for Christmas because she was upset with me because I had the nerve to be honest with her. How dare I.

Moms is one to take down pictures of me. throw away or give back gifts I have given her. moms will turn the tables in a heartbeat and tell me how Im wrong for being upset at her selfishness.

Moms will send me one way emails bawling me out & then blocking my email address so I cant respond.

I took it all in silence. Never uttered a word.

I am no longer that 10 year old little girl who is afraid to open her mouth. I am almost 37 years old now and it is time for this brand of fudgery to stop.

the cycle of dysfunction, lunacy and sheer madness stops right here. right now.

for years I stayed away from Christianity because while I was growing up.. Moms got *ahem* saved in the Catholic church. The only problem was that she was still a demon at home. She was still abusive, she never changed her ways with me... at any given day, moment or time I was a nasty little bitch. Her moods depended upon what man was messing up at that moment.. She was/is a hypocritical Christian as far as I am concerned and I stayed far far far away & removed from anything that started with Christ.. if that was what Christianity was I wanted no parts of it.

She never seems to realize or fully understand that she treats/treated me exactly as her mother treated her. But she says I should be grateful that I didn't suffer as badly as she did.

*blank stare*

I am praying really hard right now that anger doesn't not take centerfold in my life right now. I am praying really hard for the spirit of hatred to leave my heart, mind, spirit and soul.

My daughter will not know this brand of madness.. My daughter will only know love and happiness and joy and consistency and dependency and reliability. I pray my daughter will be attached and stay attached to me for all of the years of my life. My daughter will not know what the excuse of well "hurt people hurt people". I am hurt.. but I will not under any circumstances hurt her because of my hurt.

For once I stand up for myself and stand my ground and she says I was being disrespectful. and then wanted to know if thats what Im learning at my new church.

*click*

she heard the dial tone to that one.

When I was in Georgia fight Mister... My attorney, a man of God, met her.. having no knowledge of our dysfunction he turns to me and says that he would never put her on the witness stand.. that she is "pure evil" in her soul and said that he would pray for me to break the cycle. Imagine that.. a man who didn't know her from Adam was able to discern her evil spirit.

Well... this is the final straw for me.. Since she has disowned me.. Let her go in peace.

The Cycle of Domestic Abuse...

...almost always start when the now woman was a child.. she is typically one who was raised in an abusive and unloving home.. where pain and suffering equates being loved....

I remember when I was in the throes of dealing with Mister. Moms calls out of the blue in tears apologizing for not showing me what love is.. she felt that i was with Mister cuz I didnt know what love should really feel like.. how love should not hurt.. she knew I didnt know what love should feel like because the only love that she showed was the kind of love that hurts...

and being the abused child that i was.. I didnt want her to feel bad for the abuse I suffered at her hands so I said noo thats not it.. thats not it.. just to make her feel better...

My mother disowned me today.. disowned me by proclaiming our so called mother/daughter relationship as being over..

One thing I can verily say that abusers have one thing in common: and thats the ability to turn the tables and make YOU feel bad for the abuse you suffered through at their hands...

How she gonna disown ME? Im not understanding.. Its downright hysterical when you get down to it...

Disowned because I wanted to go to my class at church on saturday before a planned outing.. and I stood my ground.. and how dare I do such...

Im not mad.

nor surprised.

nor disappointed.

nor hurt.

but simply in AWE of the unmitigated gall to disown ME after how she has treated me throughout my whole entire life.

Just.

Wowwwwww.

A Love Letter From Moms

That is all.

The Mother...

I write this totally pissed.. moms moms momsssss boy I tell ya...

It is suppose to be that we are taking MiniMe and a friend of hers to the apple farm this Saturday.. and since it was Halloween eve.. there would be special halloween stuff going especially with the hayrides and corn maze...

We go every year.. and usually we go pretty early so The Mother can leave early and retreat to her *sanctuary* where it is she gets comatose on her prescription drugs.. cuz yanno.. after all.. it IS her only day off since she has church on Sunday..

Well this year.. I asked if we could go a little bit later so I can go to my class at church first before we head out.. that way we are not there all day waiting for it to get dark for the corn maze & hayride, she would get to sleep in.. blah blah blah.. i tried to show how it could benefit her as well as me wanting to go to class at church.. well.. a phone call today changed all of that.. silly me to think we can do things that isnt exactly her way for once.. and what was I possibly thinking that should would dare be out all out of the night (till 8pm) and the later it is the more people and whine whine whine moan moan moan... good grief give me a freaking break already... and then she has to get up earrrrrly in the morning to take her friend to church whose walker she has to lift and after being out alll day into the night her back is gonna be hurting and she isn't going to be able to lift the walker into the car...

I gotta admit.. the lady in the walker bit pissed me off... I mean this same lady in the walker was the reason she couldnt watch MiniMe for countless Sundays cuz MiniMe wouldnt have a place to sit cuz the walker is in the back seat... oh and the church ladies are riding with her and whatever shall she tell one of them that she cant pick them up for church because she would have the MiniMe in tow and lets not forget the countless Sunday Masses she missed when MiniMe read or performed during family mass at her school.. I dont think this is what God intends when He wants us to serve Him and the church.. yanno.. all my freaking life... yeah Im pissed and trying to stop cussing (bad combo) Ive had to deal with SO MANY OTHER people, places things and situations coming before me and now us.. first it was the married boyfriend who with us off and on for year whom she finally married.. then it was the many boyfriends in between and lets not forget the beer, lithium and sleep combination that I had to endure.. dammit

When can something be about somebody else besides her?

Ive done had enough of her.. really I have... and she wonders why I wanted to move out the state.. silly me for thinking she was going to change and we would have a relationship once I moved back here... silly me.