Sunday, October 31, 2010

An Impending Sense of Doom

Ive been feeling a lil funny lately.. couldn't quite put my finger on it... it started when The MiniMe was left at school past her pick up time and the associated feelings that go along with that cuz Ive yet to find that prized Monday-Friday gig that will eliminate the evening and weekend deal... Which brought feelings of being trapped in this tiny apartment...

Then the situation of being disowned by my mother. Enuff said on that...

Now.. I got the call last night from Mister telling me that his mother (affectionately known as Ma Barker in my prior blogs) had an aneurysm on Friday, had surgery and is currently in a coma and its not looking too good at the moment... not good at all.. he was bawling on the phone.. literally bawling and all ill feelings were put aside for the moment as I felt very very bad for him.. although she was often times the source of Mister & I's dysfunction, cuz she is a rabblerouser, I know that he loves his mama very much... but then too there is that karma aspect of it all....

Be that as it may my daughter and her Grandma Dorthy are very close.. thick as thieves close... See.. MiniMe (Mister's first child as well) was the last grandchild to be born after all of her other grandchildren were already grown.. when her other grandchildren were born she was busy being free from her own six kids and her abusive husband and was running the streets... drinking & partying.. the whole bit...

Anyways.. cirrhosis of the liver and diabetes eventually put a halt to all of that and by time MiniMe came along she had settled down into her seniorhood... she took care of her every day while Mister & I both worked 2 jobs plus took care of her while we both were sleeping and trying to rest... As MiniMe got into toddlerhood.. she would abandon Mister & I for her grandma.. couldnt get that lil rascal to sleep in her own bed cuz she was snuggled up under her Grandma daring for either of us to say anything to her.. pfffft LOLOL

MiniMe had normalcy with Grandma Dorthy and for that I am eternally grateful.

I say all this to say I personally feel some kind of doom. This is happening at the worst time (not that death is ever timely) for me emotionally, due to my own mother, and financially because if I have to make a trip to Georgia due to her death, Im not gonna be able to move to that 3 bedroom apartment in December. I havent yet cried about the situation with my own mother.. I feel a certain coldness... a hardening of my heart if you will almost bordering on hatred and that is bothering me a great deal.. I am praying on it constantly and praying for a revelation in this matter. Cuz the only thing I feel is being revealed to me is to remove toxic people from my life and my mother surely is toxic. Her disowning me if you will is a feeling of relief to be honest. And that too is troubling me.

Also, I now have to be the bigger person, yet again, in regards to Mister. I know I am going to have to be there for him in some aspect as well as for my child... I know he doesn't have the money to send for her being as I haven't received child support in almost 3 months now. And I am not so cold as to demand that he be solely responsible for getting MiniMe there... It is going to be on me to put my ill feelings aside and be supportive when really my flesh wants to bash Mister upside his head with a brick whenever I see him.

*Edit* When I say be there for Mister.. I mean in regards to having my child there with him.. MiniMe needs to be with her father doing this time.. she needs and deserves to have closure in this matter.... I am not going to simply allow her to miss out on her Grandmother's funeral.. thats not even a possibility...

Worst yet... this is going to devastate my precious MiniMe... she hasn't had to deal with death yet and this is simply going to crush her... Please please please pray for my baby.


  1. Life always finds ways to test your resolve. As it is said "Your karma is based on how you treat people there is in how they respond to your treatment", hey who knows maybe a better place will open up for you if you are forced to hold off past December. You never know new year possibly new and better beginnings.

  2. Given that she was a good Grandma to MiniMe, definitely respect that relationship and go. Other places will become available. Believe me I know how hard this for you-but these are the things we do for our kids. When she gets older, MiniMe will recognize the sacrifice. Berta

  3. GOOO it is only right that you and Minime pay your last respects to Grandma Dorthy let her say goodbye. Big "girls dont cry" put your issues with Mister aside and go to the funeral IF she passes. Speaking of wich can you talk about a funeral when she passes away geesh stop pouring salt on the lady. And I think a visit to Mister is way past do, if you catch my drift... maybe it'll turn your frown upside down. Have you thought about where your going stay if and when you get Georgia? at a Motel or at Mister's house LOL. Did your mama really say Roberta Lisa Mattews I DISOWN you, you are no longer my daughter I want you out of my life? Talk it out with her life is way to short to spend it arguing and fighting with your mother. You only get one mama so cherish her, everybody is going to have a disagreement every now and again but life goes on please try to talk it put every thing on the table.. how you felt as a child and how you feel as an adult keep in mind that she is your mother( cuz you never grow up to your mother)if you dont talk it out with her talk with someone else talking and writting always help me. still praying for you and yours

  4. She said *we* were finished as she gave me back my keys& a gift I gave her... and pay Mister a visit??? Are you serious??? WHO IS THIS??? LOLOL

  5. it was just the heat of the moment she didnt mean it, heck I have told my mama a lot of things that I now wish I hadnt and she has done the same to me but life goes on you forgive and NEVER forget oh and about Mister I just think that everybody needs somebody and until you find the next Mister you can always talk to him - sincerly anonymous