Love the HELL Out of 'em.... AGAPE

I sought counseling yesterday in regards to my mother... It is something to have to confess with your mouth (or email) that your heart is hardening and you are having feelings of hatred towards your mother. But Ive learned that to confess that which you are ashamed of means that the devil can't hide... The devil loves and will hide in your shame and he will manifest that shame in you... However, I was nervous as virgin in a whore house!! smh LOLOL

So anywaysss....

I was told that it was alright if I chose to distance myself from my mother & protect my daughter from her toxicity.. I can still obey the 5th commandment and Honor & Respect her from a distance and that being a child of God includes loving those who are our adversaries. I have to find the strength thru the God that is in me to just keep loving her.. Praying for her... I am commanded to do so...

So the next time she comes with foolishness I have to find a way to tell my mother that she is sick and needs to get help. I have to find a way to tell her without being LISA and by using the Spirit of God that is within me to say I am going to pray for your deliverance. And to say I command your demons to leave you in the name of Jesus. I have to fully realize that she is sick.. realize with my spirit and not my flesh. My flesh tells me that crazy people play sane everyday and that in so many ways they make a conscious choice to be that way. I can no longer think that way, but I have to allow myself to be guided by my spirit. The spirit that is within me that contains my joy, love, peace, the love of God, gratitude, deliverance and all other things that are so good and lovely.

The joy of the Lord IS MY STRENGTH and I shall no longer be swayed.

I was given some versus that in less than 24 hours time has become my life line. I have to stop seeking a fleshly love and desire a love that nourishes my spirit.

God's Love & Ours 1 John 4:7-21 (NIV)

Beloved, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. this is how God showed his love among us: he sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we love God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Beloved, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us. We know that we live in him and he is us, because he has given us of his Spirit. And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, "I love God" yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen cannot love God, whom he has not seen. And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother.

Not only love her.. I also have to have faith in God that He is a miracle worker and will heal my mother and our relationship.. Still not holdin my breath.. but I still gotta have that faith and I gotta admit.. thats a hard one... but I have to be obedient.

Faith in the Son of God 1 John 5:1-12

Everyone who believes that Jesus is the Christ is born of God, and everyone who loves the father loves his child as well. This is how we know that we love the children of God: by loving God and carrying out his commands. This is love for God: to obey his commands. And his commands are not burdensome, for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith. Who is it that overcomes the world? Only he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God. Thisis the one who came by water and blood-- Jesus Christ. He did not come by water only, but by water and blood. And it is the Spirit who testifies, because the Spirit is the truth. For there are three that testify: The Spirit, the water and the blood and the three are in agreement. We accept man's testimony, but God's testimony is greater because it is the testimony of God which he has given about his Son. Anyone who believes in the Son of God has this testimony in his heart. Anyone who does not believe God has made him out to be a liar, because he has not believed the testimony God has given about His Son. And this is the testimony: God has given us eternal life, and this life is in his Son. He who has the Son has life, he who does not have the Son of God does not have life.

~Be Blessed~

An Impending Sense of Doom

Ive been feeling a lil funny lately.. couldn't quite put my finger on it... it started when The MiniMe was left at school past her pick up time and the associated feelings that go along with that cuz Ive yet to find that prized Monday-Friday gig that will eliminate the evening and weekend deal... Which brought feelings of being trapped in this tiny apartment...

Then the situation of being disowned by my mother. Enuff said on that...

Now.. I got the call last night from Mister telling me that his mother (affectionately known as Ma Barker in my prior blogs) had an aneurysm on Friday, had surgery and is currently in a coma and its not looking too good at the moment... not good at all.. he was bawling on the phone.. literally bawling and all ill feelings were put aside for the moment as I felt very very bad for him.. although she was often times the source of Mister & I's dysfunction, cuz she is a rabblerouser, I know that he loves his mama very much... but then too there is that karma aspect of it all....

Be that as it may my daughter and her Grandma Dorthy are very close.. thick as thieves close... See.. MiniMe (Mister's first child as well) was the last grandchild to be born after all of her other grandchildren were already grown.. when her other grandchildren were born she was busy being free from her own six kids and her abusive husband and was running the streets... drinking & partying.. the whole bit...

Anyways.. cirrhosis of the liver and diabetes eventually put a halt to all of that and by time MiniMe came along she had settled down into her seniorhood... she took care of her every day while Mister & I both worked 2 jobs plus took care of her while we both were sleeping and trying to rest... As MiniMe got into toddlerhood.. she would abandon Mister & I for her grandma.. couldnt get that lil rascal to sleep in her own bed cuz she was snuggled up under her Grandma daring for either of us to say anything to her.. pfffft LOLOL

MiniMe had normalcy with Grandma Dorthy and for that I am eternally grateful.

I say all this to say I personally feel some kind of doom. This is happening at the worst time (not that death is ever timely) for me emotionally, due to my own mother, and financially because if I have to make a trip to Georgia due to her death, Im not gonna be able to move to that 3 bedroom apartment in December. I havent yet cried about the situation with my own mother.. I feel a certain coldness... a hardening of my heart if you will almost bordering on hatred and that is bothering me a great deal.. I am praying on it constantly and praying for a revelation in this matter. Cuz the only thing I feel is being revealed to me is to remove toxic people from my life and my mother surely is toxic. Her disowning me if you will is a feeling of relief to be honest. And that too is troubling me.

Also, I now have to be the bigger person, yet again, in regards to Mister. I know I am going to have to be there for him in some aspect as well as for my child... I know he doesn't have the money to send for her being as I haven't received child support in almost 3 months now. And I am not so cold as to demand that he be solely responsible for getting MiniMe there... It is going to be on me to put my ill feelings aside and be supportive when really my flesh wants to bash Mister upside his head with a brick whenever I see him.

*Edit* When I say be there for Mister.. I mean in regards to having my child there with him.. MiniMe needs to be with her father doing this time.. she needs and deserves to have closure in this matter.... I am not going to simply allow her to miss out on her Grandmother's funeral.. thats not even a possibility...

Worst yet... this is going to devastate my precious MiniMe... she hasn't had to deal with death yet and this is simply going to crush her... Please please please pray for my baby.

Im not complaining but...

...I will be soooo glad when my days of rushing are over... running out of the job half cocked to go allllll the way south to get MiniMe... actually made it out of work a couple of minutes early and OF COURSE the train is delayed...

*QUEUES JEOPARDY*

calling when Im almost at her school for them to send her downstairs... of course she didn't have her coat on when I got there.. she is sitting there chillaxxing! Not a care in the world...

COME ON GURRRRRL WE HAVE 4 MINUTES TILL THE BUS COMES WE GOTTA GO! LET'S GOOOOOOO! NOWWWWWWWWW

Get to the bus... he is late...

*taps foot*

get to the train station and runs down the stairs and the train pulls off...

*fuming*

Still gotta stop and get her something to eat and OF COURSE im gonna be late to class.

*AGAIN*

Of course.

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True to Form...

Another Love Letter from Moms and a pendant I gave her was given back. ANDDD she used my government name...

oh... and lets not forget that she told MiniMe when she dropped her off at school this morning to let her know when I find a normal mother. She sooooooo doesn't wanna go there with me.

The 5th Commandment...

For a long long long time.. I would not stand up to my mother or hold my ground with my mother for fear of disobeying the 5th Commandment.. "honor thy father and thy mother". I would not tell her how I felt or the truth as I saw it. I would not tell her the error of her ways against not only me but also against my daughter. I would not tell her how hurt I was over her abuse as I was growing up.

Ive realized that in my silence Ive allowed her to think that her brand of foolishness is alright.

Moms is a vengeful mom. Moms one time threw out $400 worth of blue topaz & gold jewelry I bought her for Christmas because she was upset with me because I had the nerve to be honest with her. How dare I.

Moms is one to take down pictures of me. throw away or give back gifts I have given her. moms will turn the tables in a heartbeat and tell me how Im wrong for being upset at her selfishness.

Moms will send me one way emails bawling me out & then blocking my email address so I cant respond.

I took it all in silence. Never uttered a word.

I am no longer that 10 year old little girl who is afraid to open her mouth. I am almost 37 years old now and it is time for this brand of fudgery to stop.

the cycle of dysfunction, lunacy and sheer madness stops right here. right now.

for years I stayed away from Christianity because while I was growing up.. Moms got *ahem* saved in the Catholic church. The only problem was that she was still a demon at home. She was still abusive, she never changed her ways with me... at any given day, moment or time I was a nasty little bitch. Her moods depended upon what man was messing up at that moment.. She was/is a hypocritical Christian as far as I am concerned and I stayed far far far away & removed from anything that started with Christ.. if that was what Christianity was I wanted no parts of it.

She never seems to realize or fully understand that she treats/treated me exactly as her mother treated her. But she says I should be grateful that I didn't suffer as badly as she did.

*blank stare*

I am praying really hard right now that anger doesn't not take centerfold in my life right now. I am praying really hard for the spirit of hatred to leave my heart, mind, spirit and soul.

My daughter will not know this brand of madness.. My daughter will only know love and happiness and joy and consistency and dependency and reliability. I pray my daughter will be attached and stay attached to me for all of the years of my life. My daughter will not know what the excuse of well "hurt people hurt people". I am hurt.. but I will not under any circumstances hurt her because of my hurt.

For once I stand up for myself and stand my ground and she says I was being disrespectful. and then wanted to know if thats what Im learning at my new church.

*click*

she heard the dial tone to that one.

When I was in Georgia fight Mister... My attorney, a man of God, met her.. having no knowledge of our dysfunction he turns to me and says that he would never put her on the witness stand.. that she is "pure evil" in her soul and said that he would pray for me to break the cycle. Imagine that.. a man who didn't know her from Adam was able to discern her evil spirit.

Well... this is the final straw for me.. Since she has disowned me.. Let her go in peace.

The Cycle of Domestic Abuse...

...almost always start when the now woman was a child.. she is typically one who was raised in an abusive and unloving home.. where pain and suffering equates being loved....

I remember when I was in the throes of dealing with Mister. Moms calls out of the blue in tears apologizing for not showing me what love is.. she felt that i was with Mister cuz I didnt know what love should really feel like.. how love should not hurt.. she knew I didnt know what love should feel like because the only love that she showed was the kind of love that hurts...

and being the abused child that i was.. I didnt want her to feel bad for the abuse I suffered at her hands so I said noo thats not it.. thats not it.. just to make her feel better...

My mother disowned me today.. disowned me by proclaiming our so called mother/daughter relationship as being over..

One thing I can verily say that abusers have one thing in common: and thats the ability to turn the tables and make YOU feel bad for the abuse you suffered through at their hands...

How she gonna disown ME? Im not understanding.. Its downright hysterical when you get down to it...

Disowned because I wanted to go to my class at church on saturday before a planned outing.. and I stood my ground.. and how dare I do such...

Im not mad.

nor surprised.

nor disappointed.

nor hurt.

but simply in AWE of the unmitigated gall to disown ME after how she has treated me throughout my whole entire life.

Just.

Wowwwwww.

A Love Letter From Moms

That is all.