Friday, December 19, 2008

Putting my pen down for a while...

Soooooo, today I graduated. and that felt good.

I get back to my mother's house and checked my email and Mister done emailed me that he isn't coming tonight to get MiniMe, he will be in tomorrow evening.

I am suppose to work tomorrow and I gotta call in YET again. I couldn't wait to get through with classes so I could go back to work fulltime and what has happened in the last 3 weeks? I have had to call of on what is about to be my 3rd occassion in 3 weeks. my 3rd occassion of not getting a full paycheck like I anticipated. I had to call my job tonight, bawling in frustration cuz I can't come in tomorrow in the height of retail's busiest season. Somehow or 'nother, he does this shit in some way, shape form or fashion EVERY year.

to add insult to injury, today while sitting my mother's house, I was looking at MiniMe's recent school pic and asked my mother what happened to my school pics when I was 5. She then told me that she got rid of them when I sent her a dirty email during the custody battle with Mister.

*sighssss*

I then asked is that what happened to the jewelry I bought her for Christmas back in 1996 (it was a blue topaz set in 14k gold crucifix necklace with matching earrings and bracelet that ran me about $400) and she said yes. she threw that out too.

the email in question was about how all she could do for me in my custody battle with Mister was pray for me and in a very wordy, queenlike email, I told her she could keep her damn prayers. it was gonna take more than prayers for me to get MiniMe back. there is a whole lot more to this story, but that would require you to read the first blog because I can't begin to tell that story again all I can say is I would never disrespect my mother, however, I am not and wasn't then going to continue to be my mother's punching bag.

I am absolutely stunned that she threw out 400 bucks worth of jewelry. i mean, she has gotten mad before and thrown out smaller gifts but I would never imagine in a million years that she would do that with the jewelry.

I will never buy her anything else for as long as I shall live.

I remember when I was a card, i gave her a mother's day card. Two days later when I got my report card and received two C's she tore the card in half and wrote me a note signing it with just her first name.

So I should have known.

What kind of mother does that? I am asking you????

A year ago, I wrote a blog about my moms, it was a releasing it through the pen moment, in which I said some pretty unfavorable things about her. not disrespectful, so much as venting my frustrations about our relationship.

and in return I got a blog written about me, talking about me like I was the lowest of the low because I vented my frustrations.

Well, if you are gonna sit in judgment of me, then hit the delete button. do me the favor. Until you have walked 10 steps in the abusive relationship that is me and moms, then you have NO idea what I am going through.

It is the holiday time. and I am going to be alone. I gave up my turn for Christmas with my daughter cuz I don't have a babysitter up until Christmas Day.

My relationship with my godparents/family at this point is irrevocable. I sooo want to know what I have done so wrong that they got sooo mad at me.  Most of this has to do with the fact that they think I am using them. That i only ask them and not my mother and that I am lying on my mother.  That is their old-fashioned way of thinking I guess, because they can't fathom a mother who doesn't help their only child with their only child. They said they weren't going to help me with babysitting unless my mother does what they consider to be her fair share.  They do have a point. They are afterall, in their late 70s. Alot of what is going on over there is fueled by the younger Godsister, and that is a whole ;'nother blog right there.

But they ought to know my mother by now, they have known her longer than I have been alive.

I have been through different blogs, reading people's favorite and memorable Christmas's and it is making me sad. Sad because I don't really have those kind of memories. And good Christmas's I had was usually followed by my mother destroying my gifts because of a poor grade or for leaving a fork in the sink.

I am tired of feeling like the party pooper, so I aint been saying much on blogs. My sense of humor has taken a nose dive.

I have been crying for the last 4 hours or so, since I last talked to Misterrr. My poor, sweet baby, keeps saying to me to not cry, don't cry Mommy, it's YOUR graduation day. She keeps coming up to me and hugging me, looking sad and trying to cover me with her blankie so that I feel better.

Although I am thrilled to death about my degree, it too has come with an unexpected price.  Come to find out, the financial aid department overpaid me by 2K. This is gonna really severely impede my ability to get my paralegal certification. I was already gonna owe a grand after the loans paid out, but that will put me up to 3K.

I most certainly understand about Holiday blues. I understand why suicides go up. this is a very depressing time of year for those of us who don't have anyone to share the holidays with. I keep holding out, hoping I will meet someone or make some new friends. Hoping year by year, the holidays will get better for me.  Yeah, they say that it is all about making the best of the situation, I have done that now for quite a while and it seems like every year it is getting worse.

Nobody wants to keep clicking on a person's page and keep seeing the same depressing shit being talked about.  So, I have decided, I am going to put down my pen for now and not blog until things get better and I have more happier things to write about. 

I need to find me somebody to talk to. I know I am not the only one to go through things, but sometimes, it most certainly feels that way.

I know one thing, I HAVE to leave Chicago, for the good of the last bit of sanity I got left.

TTYL

20 comments:

  1. I'm SO proud of you.
    Congratulations on the graduation...

    Me and my ADD are gonna read the rest bit by bit.
    So I'm gonna finish this later.

    But I can understand your feeling for wanting to take a sort of much needed rest and break.

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  2. ((hugs))...girl, you are not alone ...

    I am proud that you got your degree. I know it was a lot of hard work and sacrifices, but it will definitely open doors for you. Give your burdens to God, and remember that He loves you and is there for you.

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  3. whew. i'm glad you let it out. i mean you can only do so much without breaking. my heart breaks for ya. if you need to be offlne, do you my sistren. prayers always and i will keep you in my thoughts.

    stay strong.

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  4. You're never alone, sweetie. Congrats on your graduation, I know that now that you have it, it might seem a little overdone, but take the time to congratulate yourself on that.

    ::smooches::

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  5. Okay first off CONGRATULATIONS ! ! ! ! YOU DID IT ! GO YOU GO YOU ! ! !

    Next. Queen, I say this as bluntly as possible. You have got to get your power back. You give too much of it away.. to your family, to your ex. I know that it hurts that your mom is the way she is. But she has been that way every day of your life. STOP using it as a roadblock for your life and use it as a springboard. No disrespect to your mom, but bump her and the horse she rode in on if she doesn't want to help. Pick a new area and start applying to jobs. Chances are, if you moved to a smaller town, they would have a good public school and cheaper rent so you would be already doing better, plus you are edjamacated now, so find a job thats worthy of you.

    Don't let life kick your tail girl. KICK BACK.

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  6. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    its been a long a tedious journey but God walked with you every step of the way. He will continue to.

    i am having hard emotionally tedious and lonely times too my sweet so i KNOW its easier said then done... but you are NEVER alone..


    and K is right.... get YOUR power back..

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  7. I'm sednign HUGE HUGZ your way Sis.
    I'm an unashamed and unapologetic CRYER...
    It's cleansing, we're created for it, I'm EXTREMELY emotional and I find that CRYING is truly a beautiful and natural thing.
    Just be as mindful as you can of NOT letting that cry hold you back or hurt you Sis.
    Everyone deserves a great cry.

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  8. and i love that picture. you GO girl. If you need to leave chicago, do what you gotta do.

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  9. Congrulations on your degree..God has got you this far and He will continue to bless you and move you on to a new destination. I know how you feel with the holiday blues..I so miss my mom but I know her spirit is here with me but she isnt here physcially. A good cry don't hurt anyone ..let it out and I promise you will feel better..Queen, sometimes a change of scenery and a new place to live does us good..Do what your heart says for you to do..just remember God is with you all the way! ((((hhuuuuggsss))) Proud of you working Mom and raising a child..look at you a damn proud college graduate! Now go keep your chin up and reach your dreams and Live it up!

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    I got this Sexy Comment from Commentsheaven.com!

    hope your weekend is better. (congratulations and know you will have a betta day).

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  11. Congratulations L. Everything is gonna be ok baby. God has your back.

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  12. Hey now dear friend of mine!
    You're much too fine to be walking round with a frown!
    I'm so happy for you and I know that one day soon you're going to be truly happy god has something for you..

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  13. from one woman to another I also have the same issues with my mother. but her animosity and resentment towards me was behind my father.. I have had maby judge me as well on how I do things and all I can say is.. stand strong.. and continue to do goood. I am still struggling with my stuff..it isn't easy

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  14. Congratulations on your graduation!!! Remember never let anyone steal your shine!!!!!!!!!

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  15. ya know, this is YOUR blog, where you are free to do whatever - if folks don't want to read what you have to say, then they can move one - BUT, i firmly believe this is a form of therapy for you, and you need NOT stop blogging -

    let it out Sis!

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  16. Congrats on your graduation & I know how hard it is to deal with bi-polar mother, so I'll just say keep on keeping on!! (((HUGS))))

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