Day 3: What I need to Forgive Myself For: My Pride

*sighs*

My pride has always been a major source of contention with me. I've found out recently that not being able to ask for help is a form of self-centered behavior. Im almost in tears writing this because this is one of those subjects that I keep near to my heart.

Today I once again found myself without a sitter so I can go to work... so I had planned on taking MiniMe to work with me. No biggie. I've done it many times before and I will do it again... well today, MiniMe had other ideas... she came up to me while we were at church and asked if she can go with her 2 favorite people from church for the day... and then I asked... well... were u invited?? And she says well they aren't doing anything Mommy! But still were u invited?? And boy did she maneuver herself right where she wanted to be. LOL SMH It worked out in her favor... but Im always drilling the point in to her of not inviting yourself places with people, if people want u to come along they will invite you, u don't want to wear out your welcome nor do u want to be burdensome. I really sometimes despise when MiniMe bounces up to people begging or asking for something. Im always worried that people are going to think Im putting her up to it.

Ive been willing to compromise what I know isn't right as a mother to keep from asking for a sitter. How awful is that? Each time I get to that point God saves me.

I guess a the problem has always been with me, but I was always able to work out my own issues and handle me and mine since I had two jobs. Im not able to do that anymore now that Im a single parent.... I guess it wouldn't be so bad if people were a little bit less obvious about hiding their disdain... when you can see someone trying to figure out how not to help while trying to figure out how not have it come across that they dont want to be bothered.

then to00... i could just be paranoid...

Ohhhh can't wait for this segment of begging to be OVER WITH..

Day 2: What I Love About Myself

I thought about so many things that I love about myself as I was thinking about what to blog about... Superficial things such as my hair and looks, more personal stuff like my ability to change and my humor, something spiritual such as my growth as a Christian. Then when I really thought about it and the events that have taken place recently, what I have discovered that I love most about myself is that I always honestly try to do the right thing no matter the circumstances.. Even if I have stand alone in righteousness I will stand alone if necessary.

For many of you that have followed me over the years, you know the story about Mister and I. To narrow it down a smidgen, he owed me a great deal of money in child support arrears. Child support has been intermittent and I consider myself blessed when I get a payment! Ive gone as long as 6 mos and although I do realize that some custodial parents do not see a dime in payments, but my financial struggles are in fact my own. Being that I work, I never qualified for any kind of governmental assistance, not even a dollar in food stamps and rent and my daughter's tuition is literally ALL of my take home income. Paying bills is a juggling act.

I say all of this to say.. that thru the whole custodial mess, I tried my best to be fair because it was the right thing to do. I could have been ugly about it, I could have tried to keep my daughter from him, but that wasn't my place. I could have done a whole laundry list of things to harm him like he had done me but I didn't simply because it wasn't the right thing to do. The right thing to do was to make sure I did my part that my daughter had a relationship with her father. The whole issue of child support reared its ugly head one day in court when he wanted a reduction and I told him he didn't have to pay anything if he didn't wanna and that it was between him, God and our daughter. It was at that moment that I was finally free from being his victim. We finally agree upon a reduction amount and this man had the unmitigated gall to then go before the judge with our agreement and asked not to have pay for the summer months since she was with him. The judge said UNH UNH what you pay for your other child you will pay the same amount for THIS CHILD. LOLOL I had to laugh cuz I do whole heartedly believe the judge was positively FLOORED by his audacity. Here I agree to a $150/month reduction and he still goes and asks to pay even less.. LOLOL SMH

People and family talked about me so bad. Called me stupid. Said he had a hold on me. Nobody seemed to understand my need to not rock the boat nor my need to try and do the right thing. But God understood.

*AGAIN*.. LOLOL I say all of this to say is that my child support arrears were wrapped up in Mister's Chapter 13 bankruptcy case and his taxes were suppose to be garnished to go toward his bankruptcy and I wasn't suppose to receive payment until his lawyers decided to pay the state of Illinois. Well.. apparently, Illinois put a lien on his taxes and garnished them before the Bankruptcy Court or his lawyers could get their fingers on a dime.

Child Support Arrears will be PAID IN FULL. In Jesus' Name.

You can't mess with a child of God. What God has for me is FOR ME!! Not anyone else. It is rightfully MY MONEY. I chose to do the right thing in my dealings with him, despite his abuse towards me, despite all of the horrible and hideous things he has done to me, despite him not being a willing participant in financially taking care of our daughter, God once again poured His Grace into my life. It wasn't for me to take revenge against Mister for our God is a JUST GOD and only He alone can serve justice.

Thank you God. Just Thank You in Advance for Your Constant Grace & Favor.

Amen.

30 Days of Blogging Day 1: What I Hate About Myself

Sooo Ive decided to partake in this Daily Blog for 30 days on writing 30 different pre-chosen truths about myself. Although Ive given up Facebook & Twitter until Easter, I will be posting links via blogger to my page... I dunno why I am having such a difficult time this year with my total fast... but here we go...

Day 1: What I Hate About Myself

I really do despise my inability to be disciplined in all aspects of my life... Not praying like I should, Studying the bible like I should, staying on top of my homework like I should, keeping my household intact, not being able to focus, sometimes unable to keep my trap shut because I have that ever elusive point to prove. This particular inability of keeping my trap shut has caused me much strife in my life and in some cases has ruined friendships and I am steadily working on and praying for me to discipline my tongue.. Anyhoo, I cant even do this 40 day fast I put upon myself, still smoking, still drinking coffee.. just big ol *sigh*... I lasted 6 whole days... SMH I am keeping off of Facebook and Twitter, well for the most part... I am discovering that not being able to post my daily thoughts is worrying me beyond belief... Im trying to keep a journal, but I seem unable to do even that on a consistent basis. But the one thing that I seem to be disciplined about is getting my sleep. It use to be that sleep was an escape from darkness and depression, and PRAISE GOD that is no longer the case, but now I just seem tired all of the time. And thats driving me to distraction because I am feeling like Im being lazy. Someone told me to get some vitamins, B12 & prenatal. Ive done so today and Im praying this works. I do know that for most of my life Ive always felt tired. Just tired. Dont know if it is me, if Ive been conditioned or have conditioned myself to be sleepy. But what I do know is that beating myself up about it is not going to solve this problem.

30 Days of Blogging

Sooo What's New With Me???

Not a whole lot...

Well.. maybe more than that...

I am moving soon! HOOORAAAAAY

*jumps up and down for joy!!*

I am just tooo excited for words.. I have been in this too small 3 room apartment now for 5 years.

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

FIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!!!!!

I don't think you understand. When I first moved in it seemed nice and cute for MiniMe and I's first apartment by ourselves. But somewhere down the road I, scratch that.. WE outgrew it tremendously!! For someone who complains about money woes.. I surely have accumualated alot of JUNK. Starting first with MiniMe's corner of the living room that is her play area...

Long time ago.. it looked like this....

And then it started looking like this..

Don't look at me in that tone.. See.. what had happened was.. I started going to school full time while working full time and somehow or 'nother it all got away from me. I am a particular cleaner.. and like thing just and so.. and as my available time got less and less the more I let stuff go. I am the type of person that if I don't have the time to clean it how I want it cleaned with all the bells and whistles that are peculiar to me.. I won't attempt to tackle it, then soon or later.. what you see above is the end result. Not to mention that I simply ran out of space, out of ideas to accommodate the foolishness, out of wherewithal to fix it and simply out of energy to even make an attempt. I would get overwhelmed just looking at it and then would simply disassociate myself from it and pretend as if it didnt exist!!

and being that my child is a natural born slob.. *big ole sigh* But thats alright.. Ive fixed her... she is left with only this...

What didn't make it got tossed. 6 bags worth of foolishness is sitting in the alley. I REFUSE to carry this mess to a new 3 bedroom apartment. REFUSE I SAY!! By time I am done packing and purging.. scratch that.. PURGING AND PACKING.. in that order thank you very much.. Im not going to have much left!! FOR REAL FOR REAL!!

In other news... I had the biggest AHA moment of my life... satan is the FATHER OF ALL LIES. his trick is to deceive you.. he can't MAKE you do anything but if you allow him you can be deceived and I am naturally a person who cannot stand and absolutely ABHORS being lied to! I was like UN UNHHHH the heck you say! I am a child of the Most High God! I am VICTORIOUS! I am MORE THAN A CONQUEROR!! You needsssss to get back under my feet where you belong! so TAKE THAT!!! and just like that.. IT'S GONE.

Depression?

GONE.

Darkness?

GONE.

Lust?

BEEN GONE.

Fear, doubt, worry??

Yep.. thats GONE too!!

Cigarette smoking??

GONE!

Sleepiness, lethargy and tiredness..

GONE GONE GONE!!!!

If I thought I was delivered before I am really DELIVERED now!

Boooyaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Somebody queue the shouting music!!

#VictoryLap

DUN DUN DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

...now.. about that bedroom... smh

Green, Red, & Black: Seeking Deliverance AGAIN.

Sooo MiniMe came bouncing off the plane and the first thing she says is guess what Mommy? Daddy is getting married next month and now Imma have 2 Mommies!!!!! And guess what Mommy? Im going to call her *MOM*

*blank stare*

Now... that was a lot to digest within the first 5 minutes from picking her up from the gate..

Just when I think its all good.. that Ive got my issues under my feet here we go...

Lets just start with me saying and admitting that Im green with envy. yep. surely am. Envious because I want to be married SO BAD. Sooo tired of being BY MYSELF. Being the only one LOOKING OUT FOR ME (in the flesh I mean) Not understanding how it is soooo easy for men to just find another one, hook up and be married while we women just dangle on endlessly in singlehood..

RED with jealousy.. yes.. Im jealous.. My daughter will be calling another woman MOM and I can do nothing about it but be the bigger woman & put my own personal issues aside and tell her to make sure she loves her, treats her nicely and be obedient and in so many words not to be the evil step child. But danggit.. that doesn't mean I have to like it. But I guess Imma have to get use to it.

BLACK with anger. just soooooooooooooo much ANGER. Incomprehensible how ANGRY I am. Not because I want him, or mad that he is moving on... but just angry at myself for feeling like this. Angry because I thought I was past this and I knew it was gonna happen but I feel as if someone suckered punched me my knees. Angry that he gets to be blessed with marriage, and has had new children and yet has continued to do wrong towards me. I am pushing on 6 months without child support and he is going to be married? Really? He has continued to try and be a thorn in my side. Keep in mind.. this man is HIV positive and so my understanding is befuddled at the moment cuz I am simply just not understanding. ANY OF IT.

HOW IS HE ABLE TO DO THAT?? HOWWWWWWWWWW?????

You ever notice how people who perpetually do wrong and hurt others continue to live a blessed life? Everything always works out for them. ALL THE TIME! Liars, cheats and thieves seem to live a blessed life.

Lets see... he lives in a 4 Bedroom house, me.. a 3 room tiny apartment. I'm on the bus, He has 5 cars to his disposal. He just started going to school and already has a job in his field. Me? been in school got my bachelors, post bachelors certificate and working on my masters and still cant find a job in my field? When does this end? Ive worked my behind off and Ive yet to see a payoff.. and I'm not understanding ANY OF IT!! Its pissing me off to no end.

I know I'm not suppose to question God. I know I'm not suppose to compare my blessings to another's. I know God has a perfect plan for our lives but my flesh wants to see him SUFFER! I want to see justice be served on him because his character is reprehensible. A liar, cheat, thief, manipulative, conning, mean... just doggone mean... and I'm not understanding ANY OF IT?

I found this out Sunday morning before church after I picked up MiniMe from the airport. The closer I got to church.. the angrier I became. MiniMe is just chit chatting away about her *new* family... wishing she could live in Ga.. blah blah blah and Im like nooooooooooo this can't be happening. Im always afraid that she is going to tell me one day that she wants to live with her father. I honestly feel he is quietly manipulating her to that. He isn't going to come right out and say don't you want to live with Daddy? but he is very under-handed in that regards.

Lets think about this.. if you were a child where would you want to be? Living in a cramped up apartment, on the bus in the cold, no siblings or cousins to play with at your leisure? Or inside of a nice home, with her own bedroom, never having to run for a bus again, or sit in class with Mommy, or being left at school till forever before being picked up , not having to feel the rejection of a grandmother who would rather be holed up in her room than be bothered with you, not having a host of relatives and being able to always have some kind of company to keep you entertained??

I sat in church and could feel my heart hardening again. I couldn't praise. I couldn't worship. Pastor spoke a sermon that talked directly to my spirit and all I could do was cry. Cry cry cry cry... couldn't remember what he said exactly, but I know he was speaking to me...

Have I said Im not understanding? So at this moment, on top of praying for my heart and emotions to line up with my spirit, I'm praying for divine revelation in this matter because again...

I'M NOT UNDERSTANDING ANY OF IT!!!

And then.. I can't help but wonder if he has some new tricks up his sleeve.. that whole play on the southern notion that a 2 parent family is better, I can give her this,that and the other and she can't... Dear God.. He better not go there, please and thank you. But he is very capable, manipulative and mean enough to do just that.

Love the HELL Out of 'em.... AGAPE

I sought counseling yesterday in regards to my mother... It is something to have to confess with your mouth (or email) that your heart is hardening and you are having feelings of hatred towards your mother. But Ive learned that to confess that which you are ashamed of means that the devil can't hide... The devil loves and will hide in your shame and he will manifest that shame in you... However, I was nervous as virgin in a whore house!! smh LOLOL

So anywaysss....

I was told that it was alright if I chose to distance myself from my mother & protect my daughter from her toxicity.. I can still obey the 5th commandment and Honor & Respect her from a distance and that being a child of God includes loving those who are our adversaries. I have to find the strength thru the God that is in me to just keep loving her.. Praying for her... I am commanded to do so...

So the next time she comes with foolishness I have to find a way to tell my mother that she is sick and needs to get help. I have to find a way to tell her without being LISA and by using the Spirit of God that is within me to say I am going to pray for your deliverance. And to say I command your demons to leave you in the name of Jesus. I have to fully realize that she is sick.. realize with my spirit and not my flesh. My flesh tells me that crazy people play sane everyday and that in so many ways they make a conscious choice to be that way. I can no longer think that way, but I have to allow myself to be guided by my spirit. The spirit that is within me that contains my joy, love, peace, the love of God, gratitude, deliverance and all other things that are so good and lovely.

The joy of the Lord IS MY STRENGTH and I shall no longer be swayed.

I was given some versus that in less than 24 hours time has become my life line. I have to stop seeking a fleshly love and desire a love that nourishes my spirit.

God's Love & Ours 1 John 4:7-21 (NIV)

Beloved, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. this is how God showed his love among us: he sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we love God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Beloved, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us. We know that we live in him and he is us, because he has given us of his Spirit. And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, "I love God" yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen cannot love God, whom he has not seen. And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother.

Not only love her.. I also have to have faith in God that He is a miracle worker and will heal my mother and our relationship.. Still not holdin my breath.. but I still gotta have that faith and I gotta admit.. thats a hard one... but I have to be obedient.

Faith in the Son of God 1 John 5:1-12

Everyone who believes that Jesus is the Christ is born of God, and everyone who loves the father loves his child as well. This is how we know that we love the children of God: by loving God and carrying out his commands. This is love for God: to obey his commands. And his commands are not burdensome, for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith. Who is it that overcomes the world? Only he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God. Thisis the one who came by water and blood-- Jesus Christ. He did not come by water only, but by water and blood. And it is the Spirit who testifies, because the Spirit is the truth. For there are three that testify: The Spirit, the water and the blood and the three are in agreement. We accept man's testimony, but God's testimony is greater because it is the testimony of God which he has given about his Son. Anyone who believes in the Son of God has this testimony in his heart. Anyone who does not believe God has made him out to be a liar, because he has not believed the testimony God has given about His Son. And this is the testimony: God has given us eternal life, and this life is in his Son. He who has the Son has life, he who does not have the Son of God does not have life.

~Be Blessed~