Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Days 4 & 5 of 30 Days of Thanksgiving: Thankful for a Diagnosis

*record scratch*

Say what?? Did she just say she is THANKFUL for a medical diagnosis?

Why YES!! YESSS I am!! 

For YEARSSSSS I have battled this problem of mine. This problem of excessively sleeping. This problem of not being able to hear the alarm clocks. This problem of always walking around chronically tired and exhausted and feeling lazy or unmotivated as if I just did not have the will to keep going. I mean I LITERALLY got out of the bed almost EACH morning counting the hours until I can rush and get back into bed!! Sleep ruled my life and was my idol for a LONNNNGGG TIME! And lets not talk about the 5-10 alarms to get me out of the bed!! 

1st Thessalonians 5:17-18, “Pray without ceasing. In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.”

I Had to Keep On Start Praying... again.

Yes again.  I had gotten to a point in my life that I had stopped praying because I didn't see visible results. If I didn't see something change, then I would quit praying. I had become Saved. I had became a born again believer. I was even Baptized in the Holy Spirit that resides inside of me, but I was still an immature believer. The immature believer is the one who still thinks they need to *SEE* the physical manifestation of their prayers & the power of God working in their life. I didn't see that new job Ive been begging for going on 4 years now. I did not see the financial blessings a new job would provide. I did not see how Im gonna be able to pay 100K in student loans if I did not get the job I desire. I did not get the car Ive been praying God for. I did not get the husband Ive been praying (begging really lol) to God for. All I saw was this life of hard knocks & what I did not have and then I had to realize that God really does work in mysterious ways, and it's not MY place to quit praying just because I didn't think God was listening. 

Focus on the Promise and not the problem so the Provision can be released. 

I had to start back with that. I had to relearn this lesson repeatedly. I had to keep beating this thought upon my head until I *got it*.  
I had to force myself to stand firm upon the PROMISES of God. I had to learn to pray even when I don't see results, because I have God's PROMISE of blessing, provision, protection and guidance. God tells us that He cares in 1st Peter 5:7 and thus wants us to cast our burdens upon His shoulders in prayer. If I believe the Bible, and have that small mustard seed of faith of the Power and Might of God, it is then and only then by faith that I can do what God asks and trust Him.

I  had to REALLY learn that God loves me. That God cares for me. One day, a few years ago, God got me out of bed in the middle of the night and told me to Google
"worrying in the Bible" so I can have a CRYSTAL clear revelation about my needing to let go, let God, and that me worrying is a sin. As if Im throwing everything He has ever done for me back in His face. I am to let my requests be made known unto Him claiming the perfect peace of God that surpasses all understanding. 

This *thing* that finally has a name has a purpose. It's purpose is for me to gain an understanding, regurgitate and beat it upon my head REPEATEDLY if necessary that everything that occurs in my HIS LIFE is entirely a matter of living by faith. I have to pray because I have faith in the PROMISES of God, and it is not suppose to matter to me if I DO NOT see immediate results to my prayers.
  had to learn that according to the Scriptures MY prayers are not in vain. God has a reason and a purpose for everything. It is God's character to work in ways that we do not understand, and the Bible makes that very clear in Isaiah 55:8-9, 
 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.” God works in mysterious ways in man's eyes, but God sees the complete picture. This is why Proverbs 3:5-6 teaches us not to lean unto our own understanding, but to trust upon the Lord. If I don't pray, then I have no way to be able to claim that perfect peace which passeth all understanding (Philippians 4:7). I don't know about you, but I don't want nor can I afford to continue to go it alone in life without God's help. God will always be by my side in this life. If I don't pray, then we are telling God that we don't need His help. We all need God's grace to help in time of need (Hebrews 4:15-16).

The Bible commands me to pray, period. Whether I feel as if God is answering or not is irrelevant to whether or not I should pray.  I had become like many other Christians and did not continue to pray when I did not see immediate results. So I would quit and lived a superficial Christian life attempting to serve God in my flesh. How can I possibly expect for God's blessings to be upon my life if I do not pray?

And then, I had to look back, and really reflect on on how much I have been able to accomplish and what else I have to be GRATEFUL for despite of.. this *THING* that didn't have a name. 

Grateful for being able to finish my Bachelors Degree, 14 years after my first attempt at college. Post-graduate Paralegal Certificate. Four classes left until I finish my Masters Degree. Full-time job. Single mother of an honor roll student. 

Thankful for never killing anyone whilst driving behind the wheel sleepy. Thankful Mister took my car from me not knowing he BLESSED me cuz this sleep thing was REALLY about to take a turn for the worse. Thankful for every time I overslept and stayed out of harm's way because I was not on the road during a major car accident in which people died which is where I would have been had I awakened on time. I cannot tell you how many times that has actually occurred to me!! Dozens!!  I would be sitting in backed up traffic caused by the accident, mad I had overslept and then would realize I would have been there at that vey location had I woke up on time; that could have been ME in that accident. Looking back on such incidents with a renewed mind has me thankful for the realization that God's timing is ALWAYS Perfect and ON TIME!! Thankful to still have a job despite showing up to work late almost EVERY day for 13 years. 

This *THING* that now has a name has forced me to look back, yet AGAIN,  in awe at the awesomeness and in wonderment of God and how He really has been there with me whether I chose to believe it or not.

This *THING* that now has a name has forced me to look at my old blogs and writings about what God had really brought me through alive and relatively (heyyyy lol) in my right and sound mind. 

This *THING* that now has a name and causes me to forget some stuff has made me grateful for forgetting stuff I probably didn't need to remember in the first place. 

This *THING* that has a name and causes me to nod off in the middle of people talking has made me thankful because its a good chance I did not need to hear whatever it is that was being said. 

This *THING* that now has a name and causes me to nod off mid-sentence has made me thankful because I probably did not need to say whatever it is I was attempting to utter from my mouth! 

This *THING* that now has a name has forced me to seek out prayers and scriptures to memorize so as to command that ALL curses of hereditary mental and neurological defects are NOW broken in me AND my child in the name of Jesus!! 

This *THING* that now has a name and causes me first thing in the morning to lay in bed filled with sleep paralysis and sleep drunkenness and the room spinning with dizziness , has forced me to pray at the first moment I become even partially lucid to shout inside my head if I cannot yet speak, 


This *THING* that has a name has forced me to realize that every prayer for my daughter was always answered but none were answered for myself. Yes, He kept me under is loving arms of protection but He has not yet answered the prayers for the desires of my heart simply because, every prayer I ever uttered for myself was a selfish and self-centered one and never did I ask for Him to give me what HE wanted me to have so that I may serve Him in every way possible. 

This *THING* that now has a name has forced me to realize that I had turned my back on God's Calling on my life and His explicit and specific instructions and I wonder why my life is currently in shambles. I was good for saying.. have  your way with me Lord, but not on that ONE thing right there cuz it hurts too much. 

God just said to me, right here as I sit & wrote that last sentence, Daughter, you can run, but ya can't hide, you were gonna HAVE to come back to me. LOL OK God. I hear you. 

This *THING* that now has a name has forced me off work for at least 3 weeks. My job has yet to pay me. They did not put in my vacation time. They have not yet submitted paperwork for my short term disability. I  have not received received a paycheck in 2 weeks. My rent for October & November isn't paid. I have $3.00 to my name and have no idea as to when I will be receiving any funds, but I can tell you what though. I am not going to allow the stress and worry of THIS situation force me to succumb to sleep and be defeated in Jesus name!! I know that my God has a plan for me that doesn't include eviction and He will provide me with ALL my needs!! Whatever it is that should happen, Im still going to thank God anyway while I am IN it!! 

This *THING* that now has a name forced me to take an incomplete in one class and a C- in another last semester, with that incomplete turning into a D+! My first C & D since returning to school in 2007! But thats ok!! God told me Im going to finish! Im not going to be placed on academic suspension! My graduation date for my Master degree IS still going to take place in December of 2013!

And finally, this *THING* that now has a name has caused me to FULLY have a partial clue as to God's longsuffering and patience concerning me. Cuz Imma tell you something, IF I was required to have the same kind of patience for my own daughter that God has for me, this would be a whole different kind of blog!! 

So yes! I am going to CLAIM this thing that now has TWO names. Their names are Idiopathic Hypersomnia and Narcolepsy with possible cataplexy. Yes, Yes I am claiming them. Do you know how often Ive been told not to claim this thing? That Im accepting defeat and allowing this THING to have its way with me?

Thats like a person saying they need to stop cursing yet deny having a foul mouth. 

or better yet.. 

A person going to Alcoholics Anonymous, but denying they are in fact an alcoholic. Whats the purpose of going to get help if you are not going to name and claim your problem? How are you going to get rid of a problem if you are refusing to acknowledge the problem as being there?

Failure to claim a problem for what it is can lead you to praying for the wrong thing. For years, I prayed for will power and for the spirit of procrastination to leave me, only to be left lying in bed, full of will power to get up and run a marathon around the world twice, yet my brain has its finger on the off  button. Can you imagine your prayers being answered to have willpower yet can't move? The best way to describe that is your mind being alert and your body is in an involuntary vegetative state. 

So yes, I have to say , yes I have two sleep disorders!! 
I know you are there! 
I know you have been there for quite some time!
You have had your way with me for 38 years and 11 months & 30 days!
You have made me feel less than, depressed, lazy and unmotivated! 
You have made me feel as if Ive lost my natural mind for years now!
And you have really been doing a number on me and my memory for these last 6 months! 
So I claim you to be apart of my life!! 
I know I may have to get worse before I get better!! 
It may be in God's Perfect Plan to heal me from you. 
It may be in God's Perfect Plan to allow you to stay. 
I know you may be with me for the rest of my life!! 
But guess what? 
I now know WHAT your purpose is in my life!!! anddd


Your purpose is.. 

To keep my eyes, faith, hope and prayers on Him and Him alone!!
I will no longer hope that you will give me a break!! 
You are not going to run my life anymore!!  
Every time you come and try to turn my switch to off in my brain.. 
I will tell u to FLEE in JESUS NAME!
Every time I feel you hanging on to my eyelids like 20 pound weights, I will tell you to FLEE in JESUS NAME!! 
I know there will be times I will HAVE to succumb to you so I can GAIN the strength to make you flee for days, weeks, months or even years at a time!! 

So check this out, every time you come to weaken me, I WILL be strengthened by Christ coming in me and THRU me to fight you some more! 

So Im not only thanking God while Im *in* this disorder, but Im also thanking him *for* this order because it has forced me to turn my direction, attention, focus, prayers, life, faith, hope and joy right back on Him and Him alone! 

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