Monday, October 13, 2008

I Must have Really been a FUCKED up Person in My Past Life….

Earlier this year, my Godsister Veronica was diagnosed with stage 1 uterine cancer.  (blessing to God, she is now in remission and cancer free) Upon finding out, I quipped to her, well, at least GuGu can’t outdo this one.  To which we both had a good laugh.  You see, my godmother, GuGu, will always outdo whatever ailment that you claim to have.


I can say my finger hurts, she will say her hand and wrist is just a aching something terrible and kept her up half the night.


I could say that I have an ingrown toenail, and she will tell you she got gangrene when her toenail fell off and it kept her up half the night.


I could say my eyeball itches and she would tell you how her eyeball fell out last night and how she had to pop it back in and of course, it kept her up half the night.


You can say and complain about how tired you are and she will tell you how she is 80 years old and still working (as a crossing guard for an hour a day LMAO) and how she keeps on going on even though she never gets any sleep. LMAO


There is a lesson to be had here.


While blog hopping, I always see people attempting to outdo someone else with there woes.  I too am guilty of at least thinking, thats ALL  you got?

Just once in my life, I would like for SOMETHING to come easy for me.  I have been silent for a while, trying to keep my despairs to myself.  Not wanting to send out another blog in which you all are like DAMN QUEEN, can you spare us? LMAOOO A lot of good fortune has been going around Multiply and 360 it seems like lately and dammit, I want a piece of it too.  I am at the point in which it is damn hard for me to read or hear about other people’s good fortunes.  Not that I am hating or begrudging anybody else’s good fortune but I can say that I truly understand the phrase…


“Misery loves company.”


LMAOO I gotta laugh at the fact that I actually said that out loud.


But even more importantly, I had to MAKE myself understand the phrase, my struggles are my own.  Reason being is, I see other peoples *struggles* and I have to say to myself, DAMN, I wish that is ALL I have to worry about.


Sooo, let’s begin.


If you remember, back in August I had to go to Ga for court.  Well for me to finance that trip, I had to take out one of those payday loans, which wasn’t necessarily a big deal.  I have done it before and paid them back in a timely fashion.  Well this time, when it would be time to pay the entire thing back, my student loans would have kicked in.  Well, of course, it didn’t, cuz if it had, I wouldn’t be writing this blog right now.


I was able to extend the loan once by making a small payment on it.  It wouldn’t be due until the time my student loans definitely SHOULD HAVE paid out. 


Well, it didn’t. And when it came time to pay on it to try and extend the loan, I was cash strapped so they sent my personal checks through.  Needless to say, my account went into a big ass hole.  It is a wonder the bank didn’t close my account, but I guess they knew they were going to get their money seeing as I have direct deposit and all.


Before I knew it, my account was $700 overdrawn.  $300 worth of bank charges over $100 worth of debit charges and the rest was the payday loan and the bank charges for paying that as well.


Being able to ACH an account for payment without submitting an actual check must be the best thing that has ever happened to creditors because the bank can’t/don’t deny ACH charges.


Yep, I paid 40 bucks for a cup of coffee.  I don’t carry cash and I use my debit card for EVERYTHING.


This week is the first time I have been in the black in 4 weeks.  While everyone was laughing at me and all my groceries during tax time, lmaoo, that is what held me through.  I was out of staple items, such as bread, milk, cheese, eggs, butter, quick foods and cereal (faints at the thought of that LMAO), I had freezer food and canned goods which means I actually had to cook.  And much to MiniMe’s dismay, we had plenty of leftovers. LMAOOO


I am kinda kicking myself at the moment, because this summer, I spent a good deal of money on some fall clothes for myself in an attempt to replace some of my clothes Mister threw away.  By spending this money, I pushed a couple of bills back thinking that it would be alright because my student loan money would be dispersed in early September like it was last year. 


How wrong I was.  And I didn’t expect to have to buy books out of my own money, furthering the pushing back of bills in addition to the reduced work schedule due to being in a classroom this semester and not having a babysitter to allow me to be able to work every weekend.  Some weeks I get paid for 3 days, some weeks 4 days.  Now my phone is off, my internet service is off, the cable is off, and my rent isn’t paid and no one can tell me when my money will be dispersed. 


Let’s add insult to injury shall we?


The Feds sent me an email a week ago saying that the corrected my FAFSA application. And I am like whaaaaaa???  Apparently, between the school and the feds, they thought I was going to school for a full year as an undergrad.  Don’t know where they got that assumption from because I know I put on my application that my graduation would be in December.  So now, my free money is significantly reduced, which means my refund is significantly smaller and I will in no way have enough to cover everything. Pffftt.  Oh, and with this new Direct Loans shit the feds got going on, the hold up is even longer!!!!


So why am I telling you all of my business? Because number one, I am releasing this through the pen, and number 2, to do what I do best and give a few life lessons (albeit late for me) by sharing my story.


  1. Don’t spend money you don’t already have in your hand.
  2. Don’t rely on the feds for shit. Lmaooo
  3. Don’t use payday loan services unless you know for certain you are going to be able to pay it back with your very next paycheck.  They try and offer you 30 days the same interest as 2 weeks, but don’t fall for it.
  4. Don’t pay 40 bucks for a cup of coffee. LMAO Carry some cash for small items.


Normally,  I do make better financial decisions.  But my need to feel GROWN got the best of me.  I hate walking around looking like a vagabond (in my opinion) all of the time and I went a little over board buying clothes.  Of everything that Mister has done to me, losing all of my clothes, with the exception of what I managed to pack in one suitcase when I left, is the one thing that still hurts me to my heart.  That and my pictures.  It is like the life I had before him doesn’t exist.  Everything that was me before I got with him is gone, clothes, pictures,  books, my African art and sewing machines and material.  But the clothes and pictures, that still hurts my heart.


Yeah, I know that it is only material things and it can be replaced.  But for me, and this is one of those  ‘my struggle is my own’ moments, after being raised looking like a raggedy bum, I prided myself after I became an adult on my appearance via my hair, nails and attire.  This summer going into fall, I had it in my head that I was going to start looking more *grown* and purchased a good deal of clothes and made an effort to get rid of the ponytail.  Working where I work doesn’t help either. LOLOLOL  But now, I am really paying the piper for it.


My point is, I try and do everything right. I pray, I work hard, I don’t expect anybody to hand me anything (mostly cuz nobody has), I have fought tooth and nail for everything that I have gotten and JUST ONCE I would like for some shit to just fall in my lap. ONE TIME I would like to not have the struggle in obtaining anything. But alas, that is not my life and I shall soon stop hoping for that.


(It is Sunday night as I am typing this on Word, so this may go on for a bit. LMAO)


The internet going out couldn’t have come at a worse time.  I had a paper due tonight and managed to send out an email to my mother yesterday saying that I would be over today to finish some research that I needed to do for the paper.  Well, let me start by saying, that when I got there (she was at work) the first thing I happened to notice was that the cordless phone was missing.  In my quest to find it, I realized that she must have hid it. *rolls eyes* And then I look for the keys to the backdoor so I could set the baby loose in the backyard while I work and that is missing too.  So I sit my ass down at the computer and low and behold, the damn internet isn’t working. *sighssss*  So I go into the basement to use the old rotary phone (she forgot about that one) and called her at work.  After laughing at herself that she forgot about the fact that I could use the phone down there and claiming she don’t know what is wrong with the internet and doesn’t know where the keys are to the back door (I SWEAR TO GOD ALMIGHTY I AM UNINVITING HER TO MY GRADUATION) and me being damn near in hysterics and near tears, she says how about you call your grandfather (who lives next door) and ask him to use his computer.  And I say no.  I am not calling.  And she says why not?  And I say, well, I am tired of people making me feel like I am pushing myself on them, trying to use this, run up that (my knock on her as to why she hid the phone) and making me feel worse about my situation. So she says she will call him.  Then she calls back and says he says no because he doesn’t want it to become a habit.


*blank stare*


I have never asked my grandfather for one thing. Not one GOTDAMN THING.


So now, I am thinking to myself, I can’t wait to move the hell away from Chicago!!! Why  the hell would I stay here where I have family (which was my reason for moving back here in the first place) if they are sooooo unsupportive???  Which brings me to me hopefully being able to move east next year. 


Once I got it in my head that I am moving east, I applied online to a few police departments in the DC area (cuz yanno, I gotta make shit happen RIGHT NOW), and got 2 responses sending me a big ass packets of info to fill out and a testing date for October 18th.  *sighsss* My plan was to use that infamous loan money to fly out there and take the tests and now that is on hold indefinitely.  Seems  like I am gonna be stuck here.


And as to me going to school in the spring to take the paralegal classes? Doesn’t look like that is going to happen either, unless by the grace of God I get fired from my job and get unemployment.   There is no way I am going to be able to go to class M-F 9a-1p for 18 weeks because I wouldn’t be able to afford to pay for child care to work a late afternoon shift (2p-7p) and every weekend cuz yanno ain’t nobody gonna help me with that either.  This whole child care thing, really is getting the best of me.  My plan was to take this course next spring, be certified and have a different job by next summer in preparation for moving east. 


I have seriously thought about sending MiniMe to Ga with her father for the spring so I can take this class.  But, I quickly gave up those thoughts for two reasons. One, I don’t wish to pull her away from her classmates right now.  She is in kindergarten and for me graduation means a completion, a new beginning if you will.  First grade: new friends, new school, a new beginning.  Meaning, I want her to finish Kindergarten with the same classmates she started school with when she was three.  I really don’t want her to go somewhere else, in the middle of a school year, trying to fit in with kids who already know each other and have a history together.  I am already terribly afraid of her being a social misfit/outsider like I was and I am not going to do anything to cause it.  Trying to fit in with new kids as well as learning school work is just too much for a 5 year old.  If you don’t know what it is like to always be on the outside looking in, then you won’t understand this.  Second, I don’t feel like fighting Mister to get her back. Enough said.  Looks like Imma be stuck at this job, this hellhole of a store, for longer than I hoped.




Which brings me to, I almost got fired a couple of weeks ago. Don’t feel like writing that whole story out, but to sum it up, it started and ended with my boss telling me the reason why I haven’t been promoted is because I don’t politic.  Well, my response to that was, “that is because I don’t politic with people whose integrity I don’t respect.  If I have to choose between my integrity and a promotion, which do you think I am going to choose?”  Now, why the hell did I say that???  An argument ensued.  I have been trying my best to coast on through.  Being able to think that the end is very near has allowed me to just not give a fuck and *deal* with the bullshit.  Now that I know I am going to be there longer than I had hoped, this job is now insufferable to me.  I know I should be thankful for having a job in the current economy, but in keeping with the tradition of this blog that my struggle is my own dammit, I am ready to move the fuck on like YESTERDAY.  It is a daily struggle not to tell management to stick it where the sun ain’t shining. 


I called my one *friend* yesterday and asked if I could come over today to do my paper and she said she didn’t know what she would be doing, in other words no.  I think our friendship really isn’t going to stand the test of time.  I seldom ask her for anything, I try my best to reserve it for times of sheer desperation (a paper being due I thought may qualify). If I put an amount as to how often I ask for something, maybe once every couple of months.  And it usually isn’t more than a trip to the store (for serious grocery shopping that would be too much for the bus) or to pick up MiniMe for me (and that is only when I would get there at  6:15 instead of 6).   Most of the time, I pay her for her gas cuz I don’t take that for granted.  It is at the point that now, if I call her to just shoot the shit, her voice cringes likes she expects me to ask her for something.  And I am like damn, is it that bad?  I mean, I truly believe it is far and few in between in which I am begging for something but I can only think that her perception is that I am ALWAYS asking for something. We had a conversation about that once and after I broke down how often or far in between it actually is on a case by case basis, she was like you are right.  So I don’t know what that issue is.  Maybe since she finally (after two years of really trying) got herself a good job, she is tired of me and my struggles.


I am currently on 7 pages on word, so I think its time for me to end this.  I must say that I am actually in pretty good spirits.  Some good has come out of this, such as being smoke free for almost 2 weeks and I am not stopped up!  I am doing better at keeping things in perspective, cuz sometimes after reading someone else’s woes or watching the news, I am really glad and grateful for what I do have.


I thank you guys in advance for your support. It is a damn shame that I get more support from my online friends, people I have never met, than I do from people in my face to face life.


  1. That fucker must have been reading my mind, cuz I got this email this morning...

    "Lisa if it ever gets too hard for you, remember you can send Taylor down here for a year or how ever long it takes you to get back up and running. This is not a game and Im not trying to steal her from you, just trying to help you out in a time of need. If we have to we can put something in writing to keep you at ease. So just let me know if you need me."

    *blank stare*





  3. First I want to say to God be all the glory and praise. I say that to say this sweetie. Never feel like your story isn't worth hearing because even if someone tries to come through and out do you you are a testimony for someone. Someone will learn from your story and take those life long lessons and apply them. I have read so many life changing and mind altering blogs and they have given me the opportunity to sit and write down things that have went on in my life (Moni, Gigi and Bebe really have influenced me indirectly to write down my world).

    I have a friend like Gugu and sometimes i don't even like having conversations with her because she can't be sympathetic or empathetic for that matter she always has to "out shine" someone else. I try not to even tell her anything that's going on with me and when she asks i just dull it down because i know she's probably won the lottery or something if I tell her i found 10 dollars lying in the street. (sigh...smh)

    Now sweetpea I don't know what you went through with the Mister and I know you might have gone through a lot of changes. I am sorry to hear that your clothes and your pictures were lost in the end but i will say he can't erase your memories. Even with all those pictures gone you still have that left.

    I don't know what to say about your family (mother and grandfather) treating you the way they have. It makes me really sad that you have to go through this and that you don't have the support you would like from them. It's hard to have to prove yourself to people who aren't going to believe in you no matter what. I just pray you get the strength to continue to carry on. All i could do was hold my mouth agape as I was reading this portion.

    Trust and believe that your time is coming and i know you may have heard it before but you can only struggle so long before those are just lifted from you. But of course as you know nothing comes easy and we have to go through some changes to get to the sunshine. I'm glad you got this out too and are starting to feel better and I pray you continue to release your woes out into the universe so that God can take on those burdens for you and heal you and you can help in the healing of others.

    Now look how God is working .... Mister sent you an email and you weren't even expecting it. God is always on time...not on yours, not on mine but ALWAYS ON TIME!!!

    Love you sweetie.

  4. I know He is, but I sure would like to know what God's plan is with Mister cuz that one floored me! LMAO

  5. I appreciate that! LMAOOOOOOO

    Now don't get me wrong, we laugh about Gugu, cuz she IS 80 and set in her ways, but everybody else??? *whoosah* LMAOO

  6. BIG OL' HUGS. I SO feel you on this. I can't say much through the tears, but know that you are in my prayers.

  7. I really try not to complain about my life because if I just look around I can always find someone who is worse off than me. I recently was feeling sorry for my self because of a financial bind I've gotten myself into but then I quickly decided that some how I'll get through this because I have before and always by the grace of God. I've said this because after reading this I am sorry that things seem to be coming down on you all at once but I do understand how you feel. I admire your strength and courage. You are a very strong woman and you will make it through this little set back, just hang in there it's gonna get better. I believe God has got something really special planned for you.

    God bless you lil sis

    Love u much ((((MAUH))))

  8. Queenie i don't even know him and it floored me too lmbo.

  9. I try not to be that person, but shit, I'ssss tiiiired! LMAO

  10. girl, let me do a gugu
    not to trump u, but because if I could make it ANYONE could
    all ican say is I was broker, as carless with 3 kids, one was autistic and had no fuckin way out
    it was KILLER
    and im not doing GREAT now, but the wolf is a little farther from the door
    and YES, goddayum, why the hell does it have to be an uphill battle for ME? some people have deccent lives, no major tragedies. they go to school, college, get jobs and things go as they plan
    me? the worst luck fucking EVER, everything goes wrong that i try.
    i cried once that i just wanted ONE thing I attempted to succeed, just ONE

    i hated looking like hell too. but i dont give a fuck about anyone and will buy $5 designer pants at Goodwill. I have a ponytail, but i wear it in a bun and IMO it doesnt get anymore adult or elegant or professional than a nice pulled back ponytail or bun. Think Ballerina or Lani Guinier.

    kick and scream and let it out, sometimes thats all ya can do when the shit is wearing you down.
    hate that u aint got no money, sucks ass
    i gave up on cereal and prepared food ages ago, cant afford it. we eat toast and muffins and shit in teh am. im on the way home now to eat some chickensoup i made, i made it because i had to stretch the helll out of what i had there! gone are the days of shrimp and steak

    i dont think misery loves company so much as it is that people hate to feel like everyone else is doing well and they are all fucked up.

  11. my ex took the 3 year old for hte summer last year because he saw that i was going under
    i took advantage of it though it was hard
    and i still sometimes think about letting their fathers keep them a year so I can get on my feet. but its scary to try to trust The Enemy,lol.

  12. You are not alone in your struggles. I'm happy for my friends finding love, but I'm still not there. I'm a single mom working a MORE than full-time job and carrying 10 post-bach. units. I got all kinds of flack for not making church this weekend but after going for 3 weeks straight I needed to keep my butt in bed. God is good and I know he is working in my life and I know he will see me through, and I know He'll do the same for you Sis, just remember Who is in charge. He's got you.

  13. My blog entry was gonna be longer than this, and it kept me up half the night.

    Wow wow wow. You're really not catching any breaks from people who should be giving you support - especially when all you're trying to do is make things better for yourself and your little one. It's not like you're flaked out on their couch eating peeled grapes and watching Oprah in between your little blog entries. You're STUDYING AND WORKING.

    I wish there was something I could do to help. I would have AT LEAST let you use the comp to email your papers and stuff.


  14. Well just know that , blood or not, there are folks that love you.

  15. ***hugs****

    Don't give up... all of this that you're dealing with is going to make you into a most phenomenal woman...

    **more hugs and prayers and love**