I was reading THoney's blog about the whole being single and childless at a certain age. Then Supa made the comment about the difference there is between blacks and whites when it comes to planning for children which brought to mind this blog from Lala (go by and say hi!!)
I was given permission to steal this blog a loooooooooong time ago on 360 so I am assuming that that permission is still standing!!! LOLOL (SHE DONE DISAPPEARED ON US PFFFT)
Sooo, without much further ado, Lala's Wrapped in my Arpon Stringsss....
CLICK PLAY:
Apron Strings - Everything but the Girl
By the way...the above...IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE MOVIES!!!
There must be something in the water...
I mean...along with the flowers pregnant women are blossoming EVERYWHERE!!!
There are about seven women at my job who are walking and wobbling around, sporting that special "glow" that comes from being happy that you are bringing life into fruition...sporting the latest outfits that high fashion has to offer for the "expectant mother"...happy that they can FINALLY put their ETERNAL dieting to rest...for AT LEAST A YEAR!!!
And I have about six girlfriends who are walking around craving pickles, starch and chocolate and cursing folks out at the drop of a dime...complaining about the DAMN HEAT and asking me if I have any clothes I can give them...cause you know, I'm a big girl...I can assure you...there's NO SPECIAL GLOW GOING ON THERE!!!
Notice the difference between the two scenarios?
Now...all the women on my job are White...all of my friends are Black (yeah, just like in the show "Friends"...where everybody BITCHED because there were no Black friends...I don't know about you, but I have found that like tend to hang with like)...
That difference hit me today, when I was talking to my co-worker Alice, who is about five months pregnant...and I was congratulating her and joking saying that "I didn't want to come right out and ask if you were pregnant...because somebody asked me that one time...and by the way...I WASN'T PREGNANT...AND A BITCH WAS PISSED"...so I had gotten confirmation from other co-workers before I approached her to offer her my congratulations...
Alice was "tickled pink" LITERALLY by what I said...and her smile could have lit up the whole world...as she ate her SECOND Dove Bar of the day (Doctor's orders she laughed) in COMPLETE CONTENTMENT and gabbed about how her and her hubby were trying to wait before they spent MASSIVE amounts of money at the "Baby's Room"...and how all of the grandparents were OVER THE RAINBOW...already starting college funds for the future "President of the United States"...
And as I listened to her happiness today...my mind wander to my girlfriends...all single Black women...all who are struggling...all who ALREADY have children by males who aren't "carrying their load" so to speak...
And I felt so very fucking sad...
Because, when I think about it...I really haven't been friends with ANY WOMAN who has had children...where the gestation period was one of joy and happiness...and that includes my own Mama...
When we think about all that we lose as Black women out here struggling to make ends meet...I wonder do we ever think about that...
I have never known a woman who had a happy pregnancy, now don't get me wrong...they were HAPPY about the baby...but not happy about the personal situation they were in...Because they were too busy dealing with stress...
The stress of having ANOTHER baby with a man/husband who has NEVER acted right...I got one friend whose man did a disappering act that would have made even HOUDINI proud...and I mean...for the past five months...that nigga has been GHOST!!!
The stress of having ANOTHER mouth to feed, when the mouths that you already have to feed are RESENTFUL AS HELL (and by the way, the SHOULD BE...because every dollar you give to the new child..you take away from the ones that have been here)...
The stress of having that precarious balance beam called your "lifestyle"...totally upended because you moved to the suburbs to give your children a better life...but now that you're pregnant again...you have to move BACK TO THE HOOD...in with Mama...
The stress of dealing with Mama...who has NEVER had the opportunity to know what "empty nest syndrome" truly means...who raised her kids...helped you raise your kids...and now you want her to help you to raise SOME MORE????
The stress of dealing with bullshit jobs who really could give less than a flying fuck that you're pregnant...you're a C.N.A./L.P.N./Customer Service Rep./Cashier/Administrative Assitant WHATEVER...and your ass can be replaced at the drop of a dime...and your Manager/Supervisor/Satan dosen't mind letting you know it each chance they get...
The stress of knowing that you've been flying without a net for years...and NOW that you just found out you're pregnant...your transmission in your car...JUST WENT OUT!!!
Oh...and the stress from dealing with the stress...which means that you're probably also going to deal with hypertension and gestational diabetes, which means you have to be on bedrest for the last eight weeks...
And if you're thinking about signing up for Public Aid...
GOOD LUCK WITH THAT!!!
When I found out this weekend that my girlfriend Keisha was pregnant...YOU COULD HAVE KNOCKED ME OVER WITH A DAMN FEATHER...I mean, Keisha ALREADY has four children...who were raised by her Grandmama, who JUST PASSED (GOD BLESS HER SOUL)...so Keisha...REALLY don't know nothing about raising kids (raising hell, THAT'S A WHOLE DIFFERENT STORY)...
This is just a snippet of our conversation...
"Keisha...you JUST HAD A BABY by this man...who ain't been doing what he's suppose to?"...
"Girl," Keisha said taking a pull from her drink..."Shit happens, you just got to deal with it."...
WHAT IN THE HELL?
(I always had a REALLY sneaking suspicion that the MAIN reason Keisha got pregnant by this man, is because he's half greek with light green eyes...ergo, her child got that "good hair" and pretty eyes...)
WHAT KIND OF GHETTO ASS SHIT IS THAT?!?!
And I mean, her babies' daddy...OH, HE'S A REAL WINNER...I mean, truly, everytime I read the metro section of the newspaper, I expect to find a story about how this "independent pharmaceutical salesman" was found shot to death over in K-Town somewhere...
SIGH!!!
By the way...I won't tell you about THE OTHER KEISHA I know who is 17, a high school dropout...AND PREGNANT (yet, I will never forget the arguement I got into with her Aunt a couple of years ago, when I suggested that they put Keisha on some birth control, before she started bringing babies up in there that she can't take care of...BUT NO...I WAS WRONG...Now everybody wants to kick her out the damn house and call her a HO???!!!)
It's always been my assertion that in order to make the BEST possible future for your child...you have to do a bit of planning...
Planning on having the proper mate...
Planning on having the proper amount of education so that you can get the proper job...
Planning on having the proper amount of savings sacked away so that when you do the bullshit "Family Medical Leave Act"...you can actually BOND with your child, instead of worrying about if your electricity is going to get cut off in the next three months...
Hell...I even feel that you should PLAN on when you actually get pregnant (I WOULD DO WHATEVA IS NECESSARY TO ENSURE THAT I DON'T GIVE BIRTH TO A GEMINI)...and work VERY HARD WITH YOUR MATE TO MAKE THAT MOVE, RIGHT NOW BABY!!!
Oh...and that thing about planning...you actually have to make the plan...a reality...
SIGH!!!
So, I listened to my co-worker Alice today as she waxed poetically about becoming a mother, choosing the colors for the baby's nursery and the excitement that she felt every night when her hubby laid his head upon her stomach and talked to the baby...
And I was so happy for Alice...
And so very sad for my friends...
All of them...
i wrote a blog about this a while ago
ReplyDeleteabout cultural differences
in fact, i have a draft about this in another blog im writing to be put out soon
i was watching a video show and there was a clip of a white woman going insane when she found out a family member was pregnant, she was ecstatic. my mother was like- thats nuts
i was like why?
they asked if i was like that when i was pregnant
actually, yeah
all 3 of mine were planned. the last wasnt planned exactly THEN but my husband and i had been together 3 years or so and had always planned on having a child we both wanted a girl
so i was happy with mine and never have regretted it
i regret things not going well, worry about being able to care for them etc
but in america people, esp black ppl, see kids as a burden. as something they have to spend money on
kids are an investment. we dont value human life, we dont value the investment we put into them
we see our raggedy homes, our crappy cars and our bills and feel like the kids are takihng from us having nicer stuff
we dont look at the kids as being a priceless investment and thatt hey are something to show for our work and effort
and thats why so many turn out WRONG because we invest only enough to get them grown,not enough for them to become successful productive people. so it DOESNT pay off for us. they dont become doctors and lawyers etc. they dont eventually have the money to help us in our old age and so on
the best gift you can give your child is a good mother, i read that once
ReplyDeleteif people want to get knoked up at random, thats cool. on them, there are no guarantees that being married will make it work,i am proof of that
BUT, i get child support. a decent amount. my kids all have insurance till they are 18. my husband pays my car and insurance (but its part of my child support, thats how i arranged it)and he payspart of the little ones tuition
so even divorced, the selection of a partner is very important
i had my laast one 8 years after the one before her because i wanted to be ready. we had a house, cars, i had a degree, my husbands job was secure and he was able to support us all.
at the very least, make an ATTEMPT to do shit in a way that MAY work, but to get knocked up by some random creature with no job, money, benefits, goals, values etc- thats insanity
same with men. my exes dont want to be with me,but both say i am an excellent mother and feel they made a good choice. if you are going to be investing so much money into a child, make sure it wont be wasted because the other parent isnt worth shit. i wouldnt sleep with a man who i wouldnt want to father mychild. i wouldnt have a child by a man who i wouldnt want to raise that child if i were to die
we dont value human life enough to go into the creation of one thoughtfully and prepared IMO
Nothing is ever guaranteed.... I only had one cause it was hard enough dealing with the crazy husband with no fucking job, the overtime, my in laws and my stepdaughter (who passed away when my baby was just two).... lawrd...
ReplyDeleteConversely though... I know some white folks who aint had it easy in their marriages or pregnancies too... it's not just black women - even if it seems like it.
I have two pregnant co-workers. One is white (married to a black man) and her first child is only fourteen months old. The stress of the job, dealing with a toddler and work is wearing her out (she's a paralegal). The other... the black girl - she's a mid-level associate, she got married last May, she's a step-parent to his daughter and they just buried her mother-in-law... but she seems to be doing well.
You never can tell...
DON'T I know it.
ReplyDeletehow true, how true. Thats all one can ever try to do, is make decisions that will yield the best possible outcome if things weren't to work out.
ReplyDeleteit'a about having a life plan, and growing up around people with a life plan.
ReplyDeleteyes indeed!!
ReplyDeleteWell I can honestly say that my son was planned by The Universe cuz I had been told that I would never have children...which suited me just fine...shit...I was only 17 when I received that news...and at that age, I was a newlywed and a college student, and didn't want kids anyway!
ReplyDeleteFast forward to 22 and finding out that I was pregnant...My then hubby(RIP) and I were ecstatic...He wanted a girl...I wanted a boy...I WON! Yeah, it was hard, even with being married, cuz hubby was still trying to get his businesses off the ground, but I was happy as fuck to be getting that shit over with at such an early age...so I could grow up with my kid! We are the best of friends...he's 16 now and quite the little man...every bit his daddy! I know both black and white women who have it hard as hell trying to bring life into the world in uncertain situations...but hey...we all just have to make it do what it do! Somehow...it all just seems to work out...which is always puzzling to me!
it has to work. shhiit
ReplyDeleteu do what u have to, if u wait for things to be perfect it wont happen
u do the best u can, plan as best u can and when u do find yourself pregnant, hope that you have done the best to make it a good situation
This is true...but for so many that find themselves dealing with a 'surprise' the opportunity to prepare simply is not there. The time that it takes to truly prepare for the arrival of a child would have many of us childless...lol! I think if I had been forced to prepare (with my understanding after the fact) I would never have had a child!
ReplyDeleteThats what I was told too. LOLOL Imagine my surprise! Who knew a birth control pill could make one fertile?
ReplyDeleteWords for the wise: Never give birth control pills to a dingbat. LMAOO
Wow ... this is an awesome blog and comments. I always said, that if I got pregnant, I would also work to give my child my all, no matter what I had to sacrifice to give it to them. I came from a single parent household, so I definately understand what its like. Granted, my mother was lacking on an "emotional bond" level, she made sure that I had everything I could want or need. She shole wasn't ready to be anybody's momma, but she did what she had to do. She truly invested in me have what I needed to make it through this life. I mean, a lot of us where "oops', but it still not the child's fault. Sadly, some people never get that part and act as if the child turned their world upside down on purpose.
ReplyDeleteOMG>..i was just thinking about blogging about this myself because i noticed a HUGE difference in the pregnancy experiences of black and white women in my own world, including myself. i think i will blog about that because it has been bugging me as i am now the dreaded single parent which is stereotyped by black women as if we are the only single mothers out here BUT by far we seem to be the last women to marry IF EVER.
ReplyDeletei know when i got pregnant, i was initially over the moon about it though the situation was less than ideal but the stress of it came soon afterwards and honestly, i think it was the reason i had my son at 24 weeks (6 months) and so many black women have babies premature or VERY premature as i did. i blame his father for that stress as well.
my co-workers who had babies and they are all white women, had charmed pregnancies compared to my and many other black womens' experiences. i envied them and i'm sure they pitied me.
damn i think i'm going to have to blog about this because it was heavy on my mind a this past week and it is so ironic to see this blog about it.
you said your mom wasn't all that bonded with you emotionally. how did that impact your development?
ReplyDeletei felt the same way about my mother. so in contrast, i know i lavish lots of love and attention on my child because children do not ask to be here. i can't imagine not being loving toward a child but i have witnessed it, particularly and especially with my own mother. it always puzzled me that she had children when she seemed to always see us as burdons.
I dealt with a lot of confusion and second-guessing, and eventually I have ended up defensive and quick to put someone in their place, and now I have kind of evened out to where I think things over first, before I react, but still able to "bring it" if needed. A parent's love is comforting and lets the child know that everything is Ok, and that momma is on your side. Something as a simple hug or reinforcement of an "I love you" can help prevent a lot of unnecessary trials and tribulations. When i do have kids (adopted or natural), I am determined to be there for them on every possible level that I can in hopes of preventing them with dealing with some of the unnecessary foolishness that I did. When you know that you are loved, and loved by the right people, it will help prevent a whole lot of heartache and pain.
ReplyDeletepeople hate when i say this, but i will
ReplyDeleteaint no such thing as an OOPS baby
if u fuck, u may get pregnant
if u dont want ANY chance at all, dont fuck
for me, knowing that any instance of sex could result in a child, mentally i was always prepared to deal with one
the times when i simply couldnt and wouldnt risk it, i abstained
how u gonna tell a kid - i didnt want u, it wasnt planned
YOU HAD SEX
but people have gotten so far away from cause/effect that they believe conbtraception is 100% and its not and they get upset when the natural consequence of their actions occurs
i dont say this to condemn people, but to say that if we teach ourselves that pregnancy is the natural result and the PURPOSE of sex, then we wont be lookin all dumbfounded when it happens
Good topic.
ReplyDeleteWhen I found out I was preggo, I was fresh out of college with no job prospects, back living at home with mom, and hadn't a penny to my name. At the time I was engaged to be married, so it was not as though I was without the support of the child's father. We had plans on marrying anyway, but the pregnancy quickly pushed those plans forward. We both did what we needed to do to get independent (him finding a better job w/better benefits, and we hurried up right quick and got our own place). So no, I didn't look at my pee stick pregnancy results with a loving glow and with excited anticipation. The same happened with the discovery of pregnancy number 2. By the time I had my third child, I finally succumbed to that loving feeling that most expectant and prepared parents go through. At that point, I'd grown more and learned to accept that the family I'd always wanted was the one I got, and though the timetable was off, I had to embrace my future as a mother. I don't think there's ever a time where one will be totally "prepared" both financially and emotionally for the challenges with having a child. The most careful and strategic of planned pregnancies can go awry at any moment due to illness or catastrophe.
I had to come back and post. My situation was strange, for some folks to understand. When I got preggo, hubby & I had been married for 2 years. Doing pretty good...
ReplyDeleteI mean, we had always planned to have children...but me, being the self woman I am, felt like I wanted to wait for another year or so, so I could be "prepared" (whatevr THAT means). I have a good career & supplemental income...and he had a good job as well.
A baby was the farthest thing from my mind at the time...but onceI started exercising...(belly dance was my drug of choice)...my mojo got stronger...and not too long after. BAM.
I peed o nthe stick that IMMEDIATELY displayed a + sign. And I cried....and NOT tears of joy. I was scared outta my Fuggin mind! so, my frazzled self...ran outta the bathroom, grabbed my purse...and ran off to find 2 more pee sticks that were guarenteed to NOT seal my fate as an expectant mother....but that didn't happen.
Things owuld have been ok, but the news came at a bad time. only 2 days prior to finding out I was expecting, my husband got laid off from his job *ugh*...and that started a very stressful pregnancy journey for me. At least in the beginning. YES, after the initial shock, I was elated to be carrying our love-child. Scared, but deleriously happy...
Nothin is guarenteed. Shoot, we could have not made it thru my pregnancy the way I was acting *lol* but we did...and he is the most phenomenal father.
I think for alot of women, it comes down to the choices we make of who we allow into our lives. Period. If you know somebody is a no-count dude, why lay up with him to begin with? Sometimes we already know how that story will end. Other times, people surprise us, pleasantly...
Like silky said, not every white, married couple...has an easy way to go. And not every Black, single mother has a hard way to go. Life is funny like that...