Thursday, January 15, 2009

I found my high school classmates.... *sighssss*

 
Ok, so someone sent me the link to my high school alumni website on Facebook. You know,  after all those years, all of the insecurities I felt from high school have resurfaced?


Wowwwwwwwwwwwwww

I was the one who was picked on.

Incessantly.

I don't remember much from high school. I think I blocked it all out. For me, it is probably in the top 5 of the worse times in my life.

I was the nerd.

I was the big goofy.

I was the one with no friends. My mom wouldn't allow me to hang with anyone from school. I believe I mentioned before, about the not knowing my phone number policy.  To my mother, all of the girls was a slut and streetwalker.

I was the one with the most unfashionable clothes everrr. My mother bought all of my clothes 2 or 3 sizes too big so as to not show my shape. When i say too big, I mean, I can pull down all pants without unbuttoning or unzipping them.

No insults were too severe.  Every insult was worth feeling like the shit for my classmates.

and i retreated. and for that, I was picked on and taunted even more.

I was the girl with PROBLEMS.

Every time I tried to reach out and make friends it would either backfire or they quickly kept their distance.

I was the one that they would befriend long enough to find out about me and then they would go tell everyone and they had more material to pick on me with.

I was the one the girls would keep their distance from because I was their biggest insecurity:

the tide turning and them being picked on too.

I didnt know that at the time, but I recognize it now as an adult. I am very wary of possibly reopening that wound, but would sure love to get out and meet with folks.

33 comments:

  1. EXACTLY why I am going thru the "Reunion anxiety" now!! But my curiosity is getting the better of me...and I just HAVE to see somma these people, and know this is gonna be my only chance...

    My insecurity wasn't quite to your extent, but I had alot of "color" insecurity. Too much to blog here. So I'll jsut *hug* ya

    ReplyDelete
  2. you should go for it. i found that some of my classmates from high school actually are cool ppl in their adult years. you know, maybe you can learn some new things that will connect you. maybe not. i didn't necessarily hang with the clicks but i did have a good group of friends so i was blessed in that fact. it was hard but high school is a necessary evil.

    ReplyDelete
  3. P.S. You are a BEAUTIFUL, INTELLIGENT, GROWN WOMAN, MOTHER...you've got it all! No need to be insecure...that is the past. Life is short, Lisa...

    I'm not saying go all willy nilly and kick it hard with everybody...but allowing a little room for some friendship blessings in your life....shouldn't be that hard, right?

    ReplyDelete
  4. yanno, i thought about you and your blog and *RIGHT* after I commented to your status message on facebook, someone sent me a link! LOLOLOL

    Ohhhhhh, and lets not start on the color taunting. I thought I was all that cuz I was light skinned with *good* hair. I wanted to be white. I talked white. *sighsssssssssssssss*

    ReplyDelete
  5. one would think that. but, I am one of those type of people, you shit me once, really, really good, and it is a WRAP. LOLOL I don't forget easily.

    I guess for me, I was riddled with problems growing up and 18 years later, I am STILL riddled with problems. LOLOL It is almost as if nothing has changed. I would rather have my shit totally together before I go reuniting with folks and here I am, damn near in poverty. Yanno? If I am gonna make that comeback, I would rather it be in a way that my shit is TOTALLY together yanno? Not damn... she still got problems.

    For example, one of the girls (who wasnt quite so bad) has invited me to her birthday party in which many of them will be there. BUT, it is far out and requires a vehicle to get there. and I will be double damned if I have to ask one of them for a ride.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hopefully we have put all that behind us, correct?

    ReplyDelete
  7. we who? I would have thought that yes, after all this time, it is behind me. but i am looking at these people and i remembering who said and did what.

    Resurfacing is more like it.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I know eveyone remember a girl like this and I know everyone remembers how that girl was typically treated.

    ReplyDelete
  9. fuck them. i dont keep up with anyone from back then because WHY? I didnt like em then, dont care tolike em now and am content to continue without them. And I dont want or need their validation so I dont have to show up and go "haha, see Im hot now and ur not"

    Kinda like what Im sayin in another blog, that shit was so long ago. U remember the shit, it hurt But then u keep on moving.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I went to C.V.S., class of 85...

    I was the freak with the mohawk who listened to Depeche Mode, The Cure...and wore her clothes from the thrift store...so, of course, I was a loner..

    I was also the freak who didn't mind beating the cowboy shit out one of the "Gucci Girls" (yes, that was the actual NAME of those hos' club), or any other bitch that cut her eyes sideway at me or tried to poke fun at me..

    So, when they sent me the invite to my high school reunion, I politely told them to take it and shove it up their ass...and when the host tried to give me that..."what's in the past is the past, b.s.", I hung up the phone...

    Same thing goes to the mofos on Facebook who try to connect with me from H.S....

    I'm not bitter...and I don't have any insecurities (PLEASE...I RELISHED NOT BEING A PART OF ANY OF THOSE CROWDS)...I am, however...a vindicitive bitch...and I don't need to be in the position to re-enact the end of "Carrie" for NOBODY!!!

    ReplyDelete
  11. bottom line, Lisa...if you WANT to go...then GO. Who's to say you don't have your shit together? and who SAID that them folks gotta be all up in your business enough to know if you've got it together or not? *pffft*

    Just becaue you don't have a ride, doesn't mean that you are less of a person. Shit. EVERYBODY has hards times. No shame in that.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Yeah, i hear u. I hate the thought of going because I didnt do what I wanted to do, NOT so much as compared to THEM, but its hard to see upfront people wh did fulfll their dreams when u didnt.
    As far as teasing and bullies, why would I want to hook up with folk who were ugly to me? Or care what they think of me now?

    ReplyDelete
  13. OK ...same thing here as far as the insecurities.

    *see my latest blog

    DAMN FACEBOOK!!!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Thankfully there is no alumni group for my high school class on Facebook. I wouldn't join if there was. I didn't have any friends back then either. I was unpopular as well, and frequently the butt of jokes.

    ReplyDelete
  15. the site in on ning. there are thousands of alumni groups on there.

    ReplyDelete
  16. i will be back. i gotta get up now. LOLOLOL

    ReplyDelete
  17. keep saying it. it will sink in EVENTUALLY. LOLOLOL

    ReplyDelete
  18. ding ding ding ding

    and there was so much expected of me, i think that is whats the hardest thing to swallow.

    ReplyDelete
  19. it's not too late to fufill those dreams...some things take more time than others for different people. At least that's how I look at it.

    I was looking at pictures of folks (quite a few inthe classes below me) living in these huge, beuatiful houses...with a rack of kids...partying it up with their gorgeous "better half", enjoying the perks of owning their own business and working from home...and here I am...STILL RENTING. DRIVING A 1997. STILL WORKIN FOR THA MAN...and a whole slew of other stuff. But I'm still striving for all those things thatI wanted to accomplish.

    It's not over just because a reunion occurs PRIOR to you "getting yours". Feel me?

    ReplyDelete
  20. Either way the cut goes I have no interest in those people, I had nothing in common with them then, and even less in common with them now.

    ReplyDelete
  21. man, the pictures are making me SICK!!!! lmaoo

    ReplyDelete
  22. oh, i feel you there. believe that. I know I am still striving. I sometimes HATE that I am a late bloomer. here I am, graduated the top 10 in my class, went to college and flunk out and just now getting my degree and my career together.

    I know, i know, better late than never, and i have many achievements to be proud of and to look forward to, but when I see this kinda stuff, I think about everything I have regretted (past tense cuz I had to learn from what I regretted) and I still occasionally give myself a big kick in the ass.

    ReplyDelete
  23. i haven't read all the comments but i am a lover of facebook, and you can choose who you connect to and who you don't

    ReplyDelete
  24. Sistah I just feel like I can do whatever I want to do. As long as you're still living then you can do it. Damn what other people have.

    ReplyDelete
  25. i dont care about the ppl i didnt like or who didnt like me
    but the majority ofmy friends are doctors etc and i am PO
    but THATS not what bugs me, its that they did what they wanted to do and set out to do and I didnt. not like Im comopeting or that they would look down on me. They'd be understanding. Its just like ID ONT WANNA BE REMINDED THAT I DIDNT MANAGE TO DO WHAT I WANTED!!!!!! And when u see that they did, u cant pretend to yourself "welll, life doesnt work that way". Thats what my mom likes to say.to make me feel like my life doesnt suck compared to theirs.
    BULLSHIT
    Plenty of ppl set goals, and achieve them.Most of my friends did. I didnt. Im not jealous, envious of their success. Which means I am happy they succeeded but sure wish I had too

    ReplyDelete
  26. rom the accolades it seemed U were pretty popular they normally don't vote for the nerds for most athletic or most talented sweetie and U won both!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  27. I swearssssss it is true. Yeah, I may have been those things, but....

    awwwwww fuckit, maybe it was all in my mind! LOLOLOL

    But seriously, I was on the outside looking in. when I think about it, yeah, there were a few people that I was associates with at best. Friends? Naahhhh. We didn't talk on the phone. we didn't go anywhere. I really did get teased relentlessly. *shrugs shoulder* yanno, the greetings that I have been getting, is really shocking to me cuz I am like REALLY??? LOLOLOL Either I am crazy (*gets shoe ready*) or they have a really bad memory.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Kids are cruel, but girls can be right uhhhh bitches... when it comes to childhood and high school and I'm sorry that you were the brunt of their maliciousness.

    I hooked up with some old school mates through Facebook just recently and I look younger than them, slimmer than a lot of them (it's way funny to see that the "hot girls" in school are now frumpy, fat and old) and happier than them.

    I shouldn't gloat, because I got on with pretty much everyone at school (class clown gives you a lot of leeway), but I gloated anyway.

    Do you go to hell for that?

    ReplyDelete
  29. nope, because some people reach their peak at 17 which is just really really sad

    ReplyDelete