I suppose it all depends on what they do and how that may or may not affect how you think of them. Usually you don't want to have a bad feeling about them (maybe they do something that causes you to not trust their character) and it just doesn't go down easily so that causes you to question the friendship altogether.
Everyone has different expectations and qualifications to what they consider to be "friends". I don't blame you at all and i know what you mean.
I agree with msoptimistic. Not everybody knows how to be a friend, and everybody is a friend differently. I totally understand what you mean, though. Its not easy. Probably why I keep my circle of friends very small...although I am friendly with everybody there are very few who really know ME.
Some people have a different meaning to being friends so you cant expect everyone to act the same or expect the same as you would a person that you know is a true friend. Some people were not brought the same and they have a very different meaning of friendship than what you were taught.
some times the best blogs are one and two sentences - great blog!
But, don't be disappointed... folks don't have a clue about REAL friendship - shit like the net, text messages and emails, have changed the dynamic of friendship and have also made it easier for people to make friends of convenience and to not nurture the friendship...
Girl, let it go... at the end of the day, all you got is yourself! if by chance you run across a genuine secure, and happy person who brings something positive into your life, all i can say is: embrace it, nurture it and most importantly be straight forward! no one has time to read in between lines...
it's important to differentiate between FRIENDS and ACQUAINTANCES - I've learned that most are mere acquaintances who are placed in your life for a reason or a season, the hard part is distinguishing who is what, and the reason or the season... once a person determines what category the person belongs in 'friend' or 'acquaintance' you can than better determine the expectation...
I also think it's important to look at a persons overall body of work... i say that because maybe that particular friend is not in a position to offer support at that time - but in the past they have been there for you... you can't let one disappointment determine the whole friendship, especially if they've always had your back...
it's the ones who have never had your back that you need to watch out for...
Teal, I was most certainly thinking of you when I posted this. About our conversation the other night, girlfriend has struck again.
It started with me asking her simply, what her plans were, to a what do you want Lisa??, to me needing to clarify, or rather, confirm our plans. Ummmm, boo boo, I didnt want SHIT. Not like you think. i have gotten your message LOUD AND CLEAR and the dread in your voice when I just call to say heyyy how ya doin is more than enough for me and I don't ask for anything unless it is in sheer desperation. I have friends who I haven't even met , who have offered to help and here I have known you 17 years. I told her she was part of the reason as to why I was getting the hell out of here, i am tired of people making me feel like shit about what is my situation right now. my problem with YOU is really my problem with myself and that is I have to stop expecting from other what I would give. and that is where I let that convo end.
and then she said, she was just kidding. yeah right.
It is hard for me to understand it. I have been that friend who helped a friend out with their kids, as they worked and did whatever to improve their situations.
I mean, I can see if I wasn't doing shit to improve and get out of my situation. If i was trying to take advantage. and I don't. really.
and please, whatever you do. don't tell me to do shit that is not good enough for you...
i.e. you may just need to put your Taylor in a home daycare.
*blank stare*
nawww, it ain't happening. well I ain't gonna say all of that, BUT, it makes me EXTREMELY uncomfortable. Heart palpitations, the whole bit. I have been in quite a few looking for alternate extended hours and cheaper rates and most are nasty, the kitchen unclean and are filled with uncooth acting kids where they aren't doing anything but sitting there watching tv. lets not mention the stranger factor. does the provider have son's living there? do you have a husband? I know they have had background checks, but if it is a teenage boy residing in the house, prolly not.
and the first time somebody molests her, I will hear, why did you have her there with strangers, what kinda mother are you?
My dear friend, wrote me this, and it is by far the best thing anyone has told me, and me being me should have BEEN got that....
"Lisa, just want you to know I'm thinking about you. It will get easier in a few years, just hold on. As black people we are stronger than most.... so I know you can do it. Some times you have to cut back on what you are doing just so you arent overly stressed...... you are young you can make up for what ever it is you have to cut back with in the future. Stop relying on others, even if they promised you something. Live your life around what YOU can do BY YOURSELF, that way not only arent you let down, but you dont get in a fix, if things didnt work as planned. Remember sweety, LIVE your life,, as if nobody else existed and the ones that do exist arent going to help."
ya see, what I HAVE to stop doing, is expecting from others to do what I would do. That is my biggest downfall.
I try and think about that. Matter of fact, I am constantly aware of it. Cuz, yeah, she has been there, although to me minimally, to her, she think she has done a great deal. LOLOLOL
I say that cuz, with some people, they do one small thing once every couple of months, lmaoo, and they think they have done gone beyond the call of duty. and to THEM, they have. LMAO
Always have my back? naww not even. Remember, I have touched on in a prior blog, people from large families don't understand the necessity of needing to be able to rely on friends. it took me a loooong time to get that lesson cuz they are ALWAYS like, don't you have a fam member who can do that? NO.
You can ask 10 different people what they think a friend is, and you may get 10 different answers! The older I get, the less complicted I expect things to be, you know? Show ur support in the way that someone(universally) needs, versus how "you" think they need (if they have told you their expectations or what they need from you)... "Be the type of friend you want to have"... If that makes sense...that makes it a lot easier to tell folks motives and if their motives arent in line with what you need as a friend...deal accordingly. The tried & true friends will be there when the smoke clears. *hug*
i've been back a few times, and keep getting side tracked - Lisa I think you summed it up well when you said this: "what I HAVE to stop doing, is expecting from others to do what I would do. That is my biggest downfall." friendship is about fair exchange, not equal exchange...
as i read thru this post, i must agree with the majority, people don't know what friendship is - as a young adult my mom would tell me that a person will only have ONE true friend in life - usually that person is someone who has been in your life the majority of your life - i started to feed in to that way of thinking, and then i allowed myself to branch out, and expand my friendship base, in doing so, i realized that what she said was somewhat true (i believe you can have more than one true friend possibly 2, lol), that most of the folks i encountered were acquaintances, there is a big difference...
Friends offer you support in any shape, form, or fashion possible - acquaintances wish you well, and keep it moving... at the end of the day the word (FRIENDS) is over used.
that's always good. women are bad about feeling unloved because "well, i wouldnt do that if I loved you", for example i think if we give ppl the benefit of the doubt and don't think they are lying because they do something in a situation that we wouldn't do we go a lot further toward understanding
Life's disappointments help you to grow to be a better person than those who have disappointed you. **hugs** (I know how you feel)
ReplyDeleteI suppose it all depends on what they do and how that may or may not affect how you think of them. Usually you don't want to have a bad feeling about them (maybe they do something that causes you to not trust their character) and it just doesn't go down easily so that causes you to question the friendship altogether.
ReplyDeleteEveryone has different expectations and qualifications to what they consider to be "friends". I don't blame you at all and i know what you mean.
..and remember that a lot of people simply were not taught how to be a friend or what friendship means.
ReplyDeleteI agree with msoptimistic. Not everybody knows how to be a friend, and everybody is a friend differently. I totally understand what you mean, though. Its not easy. Probably why I keep my circle of friends very small...although I am friendly with everybody there are very few who really know ME.
ReplyDeleteSome people have a different meaning to being friends so you cant expect everyone to act the same or expect the same as you would a person that you know is a true friend.
ReplyDeleteSome people were not brought the same and they have a very different meaning of friendship than what you were taught.
some people just have no idea what it truley means to be a friend.....
ReplyDeletesome times the best blogs are one and two sentences - great blog!
ReplyDeleteBut, don't be disappointed... folks don't have a clue about REAL friendship - shit like the net, text messages and emails, have changed the dynamic of friendship and have also made it easier for people to make friends of convenience and to not nurture the friendship...
Girl, let it go... at the end of the day, all you got is yourself! if by chance you run across a genuine secure, and happy person who brings something positive into your life, all i can say is: embrace it, nurture it and most importantly be straight forward! no one has time to read in between lines...
it's important to differentiate between FRIENDS and ACQUAINTANCES - I've learned that most are mere acquaintances who are placed in your life for a reason or a season, the hard part is distinguishing who is what, and the reason or the season... once a person determines what category the person belongs in 'friend' or 'acquaintance' you can than better determine the expectation...
I also think it's important to look at a persons overall body of work... i say that because maybe that particular friend is not in a position to offer support at that time - but in the past they have been there for you... you can't let one disappointment determine the whole friendship, especially if they've always had your back...
it's the ones who have never had your back that you need to watch out for...
just my 2 cents... more like 5 cents!
Teal, I was most certainly thinking of you when I posted this. About our conversation the other night, girlfriend has struck again.
ReplyDeleteIt started with me asking her simply, what her plans were, to a what do you want Lisa??, to me needing to clarify, or rather, confirm our plans. Ummmm, boo boo, I didnt want SHIT. Not like you think. i have gotten your message LOUD AND CLEAR and the dread in your voice when I just call to say heyyy how ya doin is more than enough for me and I don't ask for anything unless it is in sheer desperation. I have friends who I haven't even met , who have offered to help and here I have known you 17 years. I told her she was part of the reason as to why I was getting the hell out of here, i am tired of people making me feel like shit about what is my situation right now. my problem with YOU is really my problem with myself and that is I have to stop expecting from other what I would give. and that is where I let that convo end.
and then she said, she was just kidding. yeah right.
It is hard for me to understand it. I have been that friend who helped a friend out with their kids, as they worked and did whatever to improve their situations.
I mean, I can see if I wasn't doing shit to improve and get out of my situation. If i was trying to take advantage. and I don't. really.
and please, whatever you do. don't tell me to do shit that is not good enough for you...
i.e. you may just need to put your Taylor in a home daycare.
*blank stare*
nawww, it ain't happening. well I ain't gonna say all of that, BUT, it makes me EXTREMELY uncomfortable. Heart palpitations, the whole bit. I have been in quite a few looking for alternate extended hours and cheaper rates and most are nasty, the kitchen unclean and are filled with uncooth acting kids where they aren't doing anything but sitting there watching tv. lets not mention the stranger factor. does the provider have son's living there? do you have a husband? I know they have had background checks, but if it is a teenage boy residing in the house, prolly not.
and the first time somebody molests her, I will hear, why did you have her there with strangers, what kinda mother are you?
unh unh, no way. i dont see it happening.
ok, i went off on an unintended rant.
My dear friend, wrote me this, and it is by far the best thing anyone has told me, and me being me should have BEEN got that....
ReplyDelete"Lisa, just want you to know I'm thinking about you. It will get easier in a few years, just hold on. As black people we are stronger than most.... so I know you can do it. Some times you have to cut back on what you are doing just so you arent overly stressed...... you are young you can make up for what ever it is you have to cut back with in the future. Stop relying on others, even if they promised you something. Live your life around what YOU can do BY YOURSELF, that way not only arent you let down, but you dont get in a fix, if things didnt work as planned. Remember sweety, LIVE your life,, as if nobody else existed and the ones that do exist arent going to help."
ya see, what I HAVE to stop doing, is expecting from others to do what I would do. That is my biggest downfall.
I just saw that you edited.,
ReplyDeleteI try and think about that. Matter of fact, I am constantly aware of it. Cuz, yeah, she has been there, although to me minimally, to her, she think she has done a great deal. LOLOLOL
I say that cuz, with some people, they do one small thing once every couple of months, lmaoo, and they think they have done gone beyond the call of duty. and to THEM, they have. LMAO
Always have my back? naww not even. Remember, I have touched on in a prior blog, people from large families don't understand the necessity of needing to be able to rely on friends. it took me a loooong time to get that lesson cuz they are ALWAYS like, don't you have a fam member who can do that? NO.
You can ask 10 different people what they think a friend is, and you may get 10 different answers! The older I get, the less complicted I expect things to be, you know? Show ur support in the way that someone(universally) needs, versus how "you" think they need (if they have told you their expectations or what they need from you)... "Be the type of friend you want to have"... If that makes sense...that makes it a lot easier to tell folks motives and if their motives arent in line with what you need as a friend...deal accordingly. The tried & true friends will be there when the smoke clears. *hug*
ReplyDeletei've been back a few times, and keep getting side tracked - Lisa I think you summed it up well when you said this: "what I HAVE to stop doing, is expecting from others to do what I would do. That is my biggest downfall." friendship is about fair exchange, not equal exchange...
ReplyDeleteas i read thru this post, i must agree with the majority, people don't know what friendship is - as a young adult my mom would tell me that a person will only have ONE true friend in life - usually that person is someone who has been in your life the majority of your life - i started to feed in to that way of thinking, and then i allowed myself to branch out, and expand my friendship base, in doing so, i realized that what she said was somewhat true (i believe you can have more than one true friend possibly 2, lol), that most of the folks i encountered were acquaintances, there is a big difference...
Friends offer you support in any shape, form, or fashion possible - acquaintances wish you well, and keep it moving... at the end of the day the word (FRIENDS) is over used.
that's always good. women are bad about feeling unloved because "well, i wouldnt do that if I loved you", for example
ReplyDeletei think if we give ppl the benefit of the doubt and don't think they are lying because they do something in a situation that we wouldn't do we go a lot further toward understanding