I am tired.... (edit in comments)

<disclaimer: this is a pity blog>

I am tired of writing these kind of blogs... but i am tired. 

for my drugs and crime class, i have to go to an AA, CA and a NA meetings.

I already took MiniMe to the AA meeting, it was a meeting just for women so I was like, that ought not be too bad, it will be only women and maybe a kid or two. who knows.  BUT, i know they held back because of the kid being present.

Now for the cocaine and narcotics meeting, i had no intentions of taking her.  trying to get to meeting classified as "open" is tricky, cuz they only come up at certain times of the month and there is only ONE narcotics meeting that i can actually get to effectively by bus this month and it is at 9pm. 
 
so we talking about a late at night meeting of former/current drug addicts at a halfway house that is 1.5 hours away on bus and train.

all i am thinking about is the kind of derelicts that are hanging out there.

and coming back on a Saturday night with a kid.

my mother was suppose to watch her and she calls me and asks me if my friend would watch her for 20 bucks. and i am like she makes over 40K, she could care less about 20 bucks.

my mother says that she had her adult only card game at church and she is in too much pain to have to keep up with a kid. all she wants to do after her game go home, pop some pills and go to bed. did i mention this is at night and taylor would be sleep?

i am not begrudging the fact that she is in pain, but it is not like taylor is that kind of kid and I DID ask her in advance.

so i asked my friend and she said i was REALLY asking alot. 
\
i cant ask my god-family cuz they tired of being the only ones helping.

in my delerium, i seriously thought about leaving her here by herself. i can't believe i am saying that outloud. but i REALLY didn't want her to go to this meeting and I really HAVE to go for class, i have to write a paper about all three.

and no, i am not gonna leave her here, but i seriously understand WHY some single mothers judgement have gotten clouded and have done so.

i am tired of blogging depressing shit. crying, being depressed. wishing i never came back to chicago.  every time things start looking up... man oh man

its like my a different friend said depend on myself.  do what i have to do. even if that means taking my daughter to cocaina dnd narcotics meetings.

i am really trying hard to keep my head up. i really am. but it is getting hard. the closer i get, the hard it is for me to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

i have cried, i have blogged, now i have to get us ready to go.

*trying really, really, REALLY hard to keep my head up*