Saturday, November 15, 2008

I am tired.... (edit in comments)

<disclaimer: this is a pity blog>

I am tired of writing these kind of blogs... but i am tired. 


for my drugs and crime class, i have to go to an AA, CA and a NA meetings.

I already took MiniMe to the AA meeting, it was a meeting just for women so I was like, that ought not be too bad, it will be only women and maybe a kid or two. who knows.  BUT, i know they held back because of the kid being present.

Now for the cocaine and narcotics meeting, i had no intentions of taking her.  trying to get to meeting classified as "open" is tricky, cuz they only come up at certain times of the month and there is only ONE narcotics meeting that i can actually get to effectively by bus this month and it is at 9pm. 
 
so we talking about a late at night meeting of former/current drug addicts at a halfway house that is 1.5 hours away on bus and train.

all i am thinking about is the kind of derelicts that are hanging out there.

and coming back on a Saturday night with a kid.

my mother was suppose to watch her and she calls me and asks me if my friend would watch her for 20 bucks. and i am like she makes over 40K, she could care less about 20 bucks.

my mother says that she had her adult only card game at church and she is in too much pain to have to keep up with a kid. all she wants to do after her game go home, pop some pills and go to bed. did i mention this is at night and taylor would be sleep?

i am not begrudging the fact that she is in pain, but it is not like taylor is that kind of kid and I DID ask her in advance.

so i asked my friend and she said i was REALLY asking alot. 
\
i cant ask my god-family cuz they tired of being the only ones helping.

in my delerium, i seriously thought about leaving her here by herself. i can't believe i am saying that outloud. but i REALLY didn't want her to go to this meeting and I really HAVE to go for class, i have to write a paper about all three.

and no, i am not gonna leave her here, but i seriously understand WHY some single mothers judgement have gotten clouded and have done so.

i am tired of blogging depressing shit. crying, being depressed. wishing i never came back to chicago.  every time things start looking up... man oh man

its like my a different friend said depend on myself.  do what i have to do. even if that means taking my daughter to cocaina dnd narcotics meetings.

i am really trying hard to keep my head up. i really am. but it is getting hard. the closer i get, the hard it is for me to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

i have cried, i have blogged, now i have to get us ready to go.

*trying really, really, REALLY hard to keep my head up*

32 comments:

  1. damn sweetie... i have no words... i hate that you have to take her to that meeting, such real life exposure for such a young, innocent child... but i understand you must do what you have to do... keep ya head up! all of this is almost over, and the light at the end of the tunnel is appearing day by day...

    stay strong, and don't shed another tear over this particular situation...

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  2. Honey i'm so very sorry you have to go through this especially taking minime out that late because i know you don't want to. I pray for your strength to make it through all the time and i know it's hard right now so i will continue to pray with you. Much love and prayers flowing.

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  3. Damn. I wish I knew what to say. I'm too far away to watch her for you. Let's hope she can learn something by tagging along with you tonight. Something to steer her away from that kind of life I meant.

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  4. somebody must have sent up some quick ass prayers...

    Lemme tell ya'll about manic moms and the crew...

    shortly after this blog posted, moms callls me and wants to know if the baby is ready.

    *blank stare*

    and i am like NO!!!!

    she then says after i repeated what she said, that the baby didn't need to be around whatever
    kind of scene that may be.

    and then the friend calls and says that not only will she watch her she will also TAKE me to where i need to go.

    WELLWHYINDAFUCK couldn't you say that the first time? did i really need to hear that i was asking alot?????

    I really want folks to stop thinking that i have other options. it is like folks say no to see if i can ask someone else. there is usually no one else.

    Soooooooo, now the baby is with The Queen's Mother and i have a ride to the meeting.

    and i gotta try and get rid of this really bad about to turn into a migraine headache i have from the crying i have done.

    and to make matters worse, the big mouthed kid is gonna tell my mother that I have been crying.

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  5. Dang, I wish you lived here 3 hours away with these same problems. Cause I would have my niece with me every time you blinked. As badddddddddddddddd as we want a kid in the house * my daughter is 22 only child* any place you need to go, just knock on my door. School is hard, working, and taking care of yourself as well as her. When I was going through the same things, I had baby sitters, I just wish I could use you to return the favor for my days.

    But since you don't live here in Michigan.

    I will say this boo. HOLD ON, DON'T LET GO. HOLD ON TO GODS HANDS, DON'T FALL BACK. YOU GOTTA HOLD ON FOR YOU AND YOUR BABY. ITS GOING TO BE SO WORTH IT LISA.

    AND JUST THINK, YOU WILL LOOK BACK AT THESE DAYS AND NEED A REASON TO CELEBRATE. YOU HAVE TO GO THROUGH WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH IN ORDER TO REALLY APPRECIATE THE FACT THAT YOU MADE IT, AND YOU DID-NT QUIT. YOU ARE GOING TO NEED THESE DAYS TO ENJOY WHAT YOU WILL HAVE LATER. YOU ARE GOING TO NEED THESE CHALLENGES LISA.

    AND WHEN YOU DAY COME, DON'T LET NOBODY STEAL YOUR JOY!!!! NOBODY, YOU HAVE BEEN THROUGH TOO MUCH. DON'T LET NOOOOOOOOOOOOOBODY STILL YOUR STUFF GURL. GOD HAS A REASON FOR ALL OF THIS, CHILE YOU BETTER ASK GOD TO LET YOU PEEK INTO YOUR FUTURE AND START SHOUTING, CAUSE ITS COMING. IT HAS TOO, A BREAK THRU HAS TO COME THROUGH FOR YOU, YOU HAVE BEEN THROUGH TOO MUCH, YOUR TIME IS COMING.

    LACREASE

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  6. that may work in your favor... maybe The Queens Mother will realize that her support and assistance is needed.

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  7. Jesus can work it out is more than just a song baby. *hug*

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  8. this was my thinking when i was prepping myself to take her.

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  9. i wish it too. cuz i know you would be here for me lickity split. i knew you was over here typing up a sermon! making me smile and stuff. good to see you!

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  10. humph,the picture of taylor sleeping at the bus terminal didn't move her none. lmaooo

    if she wants to go on these roller coasters, that is fine, but leave me out of it!!!! i cant takessss no more!

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  11. i KNOW about being tired and not having anywhere else to turn. i know about asking folks for help and they ask back do you have any other options...or..your asking alot.. as IF you would ask if you didnt have to. as IF you would just humiliate yourself on GP.

    i also KNOW that this will pass. and i know saying it now does nothing for you believe me i am crying right now with you cause i remember those days all to well. this will pass and you will do everything you must do in your power. you are a great mother.. and dont let no one make you FEEL differently. notice i said feel...cause we wont let no one say it.. but people are good at making us FEEL like less than a person.
    cree is absolutely right and know that if i were there she would be right here with me and asia... if for nothing else cause i went through it and i remember it and i promised myself that i would always help another...so they wouldnt have it so hard.
    i love you sweetness, sorry for rambling. and i will definitly keep praying for you.

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  12. thank you, *sniffles* feel free to ramble anytime. if you havent noticed, I am THE QUEEN of rambling. lmaoo

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  13. I will be celebrating 18 years of recovery on the 26th of this month. I can tell you that I have seen children at open 12-step meetings and never once was a child harmed in any way, shape or form. In fact, I have seen children grow up in the rooms and all of them know about addiction in a way that gives me hope for the world.

    My point being that had you been forced to take your child to a 12-step meeting, it wouldn't have been the end of the world and there are messages we ALL need to hear at these meetings. I know many women who had to bring their kids to these meetings (because they needed to save their own lives) and had to go to school and somehow *they* did it.

    Just my dos centavos.

    Much Love,

    Eddie

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  14. i wasnt concerned about her being harmed moreso, what she was going to hear. my daughter is only 5.

    my daughter is too inquisitive and and i dont have the gift of gab to answer all of her questions in a manner in which a 5 year old can understand.

    plus, this particular location is in a halfway house, and in chicago, halfway houses are not in the best of neighborhoods AND i am on the bus AND this meeting is at 9 at night.

    but, i thank you much for this info. this gives me a better idea of what i am heading in for.

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  15. Yeah, that strange that they would have an open meeting at a halfway house. Most meetings aren't in good nabes, if you get my drift. LOL

    I know it's always a parent's choice, but I always tried to be as honest as I could with my own son. I also know that being a single can't be easy. When I was in school, I was my son's primary caregiver and it could be tiring.

    But I always had a meeting where I could get some measure of solace.

    Eddie

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  16. I praise God that everything worked out in your favor. He hears our cries and works to make everything work out. Even if you had to take Mini-me with you, He would have had his Angels of protection surrounding both of you to make sure that that the both of you were Ok. I totally understand family letting you down when you need them the most, but I also know about My Father taking care of everything in ways that I least expect or understand. **Hugs**

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  17. I praise God for your victory, Eddie!

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  18. WOW...i've been going through the EXACT same bullshit myself as of late and don't know why I didn't post my crazy blogs about it but GOD I SO FEEL YOU. BUT keep your head up and keep it moving. I know there are times when you just HAVE to vent, cry, whatever...just do it. It's okay to post your "pity blog" as you call it. Sometimes, we gotta do that too. HUGS and prayers for ya.

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  19. I'm glad it worked out for you Queen. God is always there to work it out.

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  20. ok, glad i didn't have to take her, it was all men!!!

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  21. ...everything truly does happen for a reason! and did you see what lala wrote?

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  22. girl, i do know the feeling. its all i can say. i do know.

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  23. i was gonna suggest that she take the kid and an older child and some paper to color and so on while mom was busy

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  24. an older child?? that would imply that i know somebody! lmaoooo

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  25. nah, trying to get blood from a turnip will merely frustrate her more. when the wll runs dry, find a new one. doesnt matter if the well SHOULD be dry, it is.

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  26. yeah, trust me. i'm in the same boat, who has TIME to meet other humans between working and home etc
    and of course the more ppl suggest things ive tried and found fruitless, the more furstrated i get
    I HAVE TRIED EVERYTHINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
    shit,lol
    be strong, or weak.just DO what u gotta do however u gotta do it though

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  27. You know God has your back,and he's in control!
    Don't forget that !

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