Monday, August 10, 2009

Let's not forget something...

...I am a victim of domestic violence.

with that being said, for those of you who may know another woman who is too a victim, it is a very hard thing to get out from under your abuser.

I freely admit, for a loooooong time, fear left me standing still. I made some bad legal choices and made things to easy for Mister when we first went to court in 2005. So busy trying not to throw gas on the flames.  see, when fear makes you still, you will do anything not to fan the flames.

so, year after year, court visit after court visit, I have allowed a special brand of fuckery to go on too long.

Now with that said, I am manning up, bit by bit. People always say that Mister has some kind of hold on me and I always deny it. but I guess in some way he does. when one has one's hands around your throat and you see that special brand of fuckery in their eyes that lets you know that they would have no problem snuffing you out.

yea... that will kinda make a bitch be still.

So, I have been testing my waters, bit by bit. slowly not allowing him to control me. since i took control from him by leaving him and getting a permanent restraining order, his only means of control is to fuck with me, make me pay money, keep me in court, delay arrival times... etc...

yes, I will continue to have the email wars with him, because the more I talk back, the more unglued he becomes because not only is he use to me succumbing to his will being done and being silent and I need to change his line of thinking... but also, I get to have documentation of his brand of madness.

No, I do not enjoy this, not one bit. It is nerve racking. but i am not having it this time.

and although I am trying to shatter battered woman's syndrome by being more vocal, I still have to recognize the fine line that he may try to snuff me out.  I can no longer allow him to think that him not bringing her back is going to make me bow down. and I am definitely not bringing him up here under false pretenses and allowing him to think one thing and spring a surprise on him later.  Not only will that make me look bad legally, but that would be just damned dangerous.

So, walk five steps in my shoes and I guarantee you, you would have bowed down too because nobody can say what they would honestly have done in my situation with a man who made his point clear when he wrapped his hand around my throat on five different occasions to the point in which I thought that that was it.


  1. I am glad you have the strength to express this -- as I know it isn't easy. I also know some people don't have a clue about what you have gone through, and what you continue to endure..

    I applaud you for being a power of example and never ever let anyone tell you any different. to do what you have done, to accomplish all that you have in the face of this bullshit -- not many people could have done it, sweetie. And those that like to think they wouldn't be caught in the same trap, or would never do "this" or "that" -- blah blah blah?



    they don't know.

    thank you for being the survivor you are and for showing the rest of us, including me, that you can pick up the pieces of a shattered life and come back stronger than ever. Never ever allow anyone to take that from you, you earned it ways most people will never understand.

    this is from my heart, sweetie...




  2. thank you Eddie, that really warmed my heart.

  3. I love the paper trail of fighting by email

  4. don't owe anybody any explanations! Handle your business and get your baby home...cuz that's all that matters!

  5. I know that. but speaking on it, knocks certain foolishness out of the water. Also, there may be another one out there like me, who don't have the strength.

  6. I wish you never had to deal with that bullshit, probably not more than you do obviously, but I applaud your current attitude about it. I hope whoever needs to hear this is listening and will gain strength. *big ol hug*

  7. Well you don't have to travel alone the rest of the way.

  8. Wow lady, you deserve a hug and an army standing behind you in this!

    I know a lot of people who suffered from this and it is hard to not get emotionally involved if not physically!

  9. ((((hugs)))) I am hoping your story inspires others.

  10. i applaud you for sharing this.. i am also a victim of domestic abuse and you are correct.. no one on the outside can judge you.

  11. Well it's about fucking time.

    Yay for you!!!!!