Let's not forget something...

...I am a victim of domestic violence.


with that being said, for those of you who may know another woman who is too a victim, it is a very hard thing to get out from under your abuser.

I freely admit, for a loooooong time, fear left me standing still. I made some bad legal choices and made things to easy for Mister when we first went to court in 2005. So busy trying not to throw gas on the flames.  see, when fear makes you still, you will do anything not to fan the flames.

so, year after year, court visit after court visit, I have allowed a special brand of fuckery to go on too long.

Now with that said, I am manning up, bit by bit. People always say that Mister has some kind of hold on me and I always deny it. but I guess in some way he does. when one has one's hands around your throat and you see that special brand of fuckery in their eyes that lets you know that they would have no problem snuffing you out.

yea... that will kinda make a bitch be still.

So, I have been testing my waters, bit by bit. slowly not allowing him to control me. since i took control from him by leaving him and getting a permanent restraining order, his only means of control is to fuck with me, make me pay money, keep me in court, delay arrival times... etc...

yes, I will continue to have the email wars with him, because the more I talk back, the more unglued he becomes because not only is he use to me succumbing to his will being done and being silent and I need to change his line of thinking... but also, I get to have documentation of his brand of madness.

No, I do not enjoy this, not one bit. It is nerve racking. but i am not having it this time.

and although I am trying to shatter battered woman's syndrome by being more vocal, I still have to recognize the fine line that he may try to snuff me out.  I can no longer allow him to think that him not bringing her back is going to make me bow down. and I am definitely not bringing him up here under false pretenses and allowing him to think one thing and spring a surprise on him later.  Not only will that make me look bad legally, but that would be just damned dangerous.

So, walk five steps in my shoes and I guarantee you, you would have bowed down too because nobody can say what they would honestly have done in my situation with a man who made his point clear when he wrapped his hand around my throat on five different occasions to the point in which I thought that that was it.