Wednesday, August 5, 2009

when do you tell your child about the abuse you suffered at the hands of their father?

28 comments:

  1. 13 is a good age. She is able to process everything.

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  2. When they see him being carted off to jail in the police car you call for him.
    It may in fact be easier if you start with the car he is riding in... if the children are under 7...

    Be and do well.

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  3. maybe never. maybe 20 or 30.. unless it happens to them and you need to share. little girls always love their dads. don't mess it up unless it is necessary. life is fragile enough. there is no reason to share that and fracture it. my opinion. and if you want me to kill the fucker, let me know. z

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  4. lol... THATS what i was thinkin... only said with more words.

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  5. Teenager or when they're grown.

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  6. since i am doing an ugly truth segment today... this is my take on it. if your child witnessed it YES do tell. and that can be either actually there seeing u or seeing this happen to another woman... as far as the age goes that is a tough call becuase u can teach a lesson about hitting or even verbal abuse is never right at an early age. but i don't think u tell the child about dad if there is nothing going just to tell

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  7. the problem is... She witnessed him get physical with his mother... she vaguely remembers him choking me, but I have yet to tell her all the details of what happened. I have a feeling she is going to come home with questions.

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  8. how old than and how old now? it's important information that we need to give advice.

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  9. Never. Or at wait until there of age. (grown up)

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  10. she was 2 when she saw it, she is 6 now.

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  11. all you can do is tell her that he is wrong...and never to let anyone treat her that way lisa... she's too young.

    i'd also say a lil something unpleasant in mister's ear when she isnt looking... that dum fukker!

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  12. the reason why I think she is going to come home with questions is because she witnessed him get physical with his mother.

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  13. ok. well, i spoke to the wife about this and she agrees with me...with a caveat. unless there is ANY reason to help your child with this information (such as abuse, herself), it would just be vindictive of you to share. nothing positive would be gained. in fact, you could take a wonderful daughter/daddy lifetime experience and totally screw it up...forever.

    (and i just now see the ages. keep it to yourself and make something up. six year old children can't process that kind of information)

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  14. Now that she's witnessed him be physical with his mother, you can explain to her that a man should never put his hands on a woman, and especially not his wife or mother. If she asks more questions, then you can answer those questions in a manner that is appropriate for her age group. If she asks specifically about you and whether or not he's put his hands on you, you can tell her as much of the truth as you think that she can handle at her age. The most appropriate time is when she's about 12 or 13, but with questions at this age, and witnessing what she has, you can tell her what she can handle now, and save the harsher details for later.

    Unfortunately, she will make her decisions about her future interactions with her father based on what she has seen him do with his mother, as well as what you tell her about his abusing you during the relationship. That's what makes it such a tough call. She might be afraid of him now, having seen what he did to his mom, but you never know. I say only tell what needs telling, based on what she asks you at this point...since she is so very young.

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  15. the problem with not telling is that the child grows to think this is ok... and the other problem is the mother not doing anything about it which again makes it seem like it is ok for domestic abuse. a child should be giving tools to survive in this world and too often as adults we try to sugarcoat shit

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  16. when they're old enough to understand or if it comes up...be careful to make sure they're not abusing ur child...

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  17. and i agree with sakispeaks also. there is no easy answer...

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  18. if the child has witnessed it first hand...u sit them down and have a talk...depending on their age, use words they understand...u don't have to go into details...

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  19. As someone who grew up in an abusive household, if there's domestic violence, then the child has been touched by the trauma -- even if they haven't witnessed it. Abuse has a -- a pattern, a schema -- that becomes a script for the children to follow. If there's abuse happening NOW, then the child (along with the family) needs help. If it happened in the past, one has to be vigilant about how it affected the child.

    Denying it, or not talking about it, is oftentimes NOT the way to go. But it's hard to say, not being privy to the details.

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  20. When she has matured enough to understand..
    She is way too young!

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  21. I think at this point you just answer what ever questions she has without going into too much detail. The trick will be teaching her that abuse is not something she should take from anyone, not a friend, not a family member, and not a stranger, without saying bad things about her father. good luck

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  22. See this is a tricky issue. If she has not witnessed this, then you wait until they are older. However, if they saw the abuse? Then it does need to be discussed. Eventually it will need to be discussed, so she does not become victim herself in the future repeating the cycle.

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  23. Speaking as a child who watched my mother be hit by a man (not my daddy), unless she's witnessed him abusing you, wait until she's a teenager. She's took young to try & understand. I think I was about 6 when I realized what was happening & was conflicted for a very long time.

    When you tell her (down the road) tell her everything so she has a clear picture, not just bits and pieces. Her father may be the devil to some, but sweet as gold to her. My mother's long-term boyfriend was like a father to me & my sister - treated us like princesses, but his relationship with my mother was not a good one at times.

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  24. Early teens. A daughter may love her father all she wants, but she should understand the father she has not think he's some great protector. I think the whole problem with this issue is folks wanna protect her image of somebody, the truth may hurt at first but it is a lot better then a long term lie, period. If he is an abuser, when she becomes a teen and you are having the talk about sex anyway bring it up. Kids ain stupid and the sooner we remember they have to grow up to be young adults the sooner we can help prepare them for the real world, not the world we hope they inherit.

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